Aug 17, 2010 - 1:21 pm
OK Guys, this is my first post on this website. I just joined because I have been struggling as of lately. I feel like I am not the same me that I have known for 27 years.
First, I am 27 years old, and was diagnosed with testicular cancer last March. The cancer spread to the lymphnodes in my abdomen, which required two very large surgeries (RPLND). I was in the hospital for two months over last summer. Since then, i have not gained back my weight, and have been struggling with almost every ailment under the sun (or so it seems).
Here is my issue, I can not seem to stop dwelling on the past. Not only that, but I feel like I am not over it. The surgeons now want to remove my gallbladder after finding gallstones, but the surgery will be so complicated after the last two previous ones that I don't want to do it.
To keep things a little bit shorter, Ever since last summer i keep expecting the worst. I used to be a random, spur of the moment kind of guy who takes chances at everything. But recently, I have become cautious and hesistant to experience any type of joy. I find myself much more happy and "safe" at my house, even though I may really enjoy myself when we go to a friends house.
I have even noticed that when my wife is happy and comes to me with good news, I am responding with "are you sure" or some other negative pessimistic response. I HATE IT. I dont even know how my wife is still with me. i wouldnt want to be with someone this miserable. I find myself not smiling or laughing much anymore. All in all, i feel like the hospital has drained the happiness from my life.
Recently, I have been trying to read a lot of Zen books (as i am not christian for a multitude of reasons) trying to focus on the positives in my life.
AND THIS IS THE KICKER. I remember being released from the hospital and finding joy in EVERY aspect of life. I remember feeling the sun on my skin and thinking "i love life". I remember driving home and seeing birds flying out of trees and smiling, seeing couples walking on the road holding hands, and all of this made me smile and feel warm inside.
but recently i seem to find only the negative in everything around me. rather than seeing the happy birds singing on the road, im focusing on the homeless guy asking for money and it breaks my heart. or im yelling at the bad driver in front of me for going to slow. what am i in a hurry for anyways? im only on my way to work
Anyways, if anyone feels like the cancer has blocked your ability to feel goodness, happiness, or love please tell me what you have done or are doing to make this better. i need to escape this world of pitty and sorrow but i dont know how.