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thanks for peptalk

melbas2
Posts: 108
Joined: Aug 2010

Thanks so much for getting back to me on this. Trace (my husband), does try to understand, but yeah, a bottle of water and a bowl of pudding is not all I need right now. He works out of town Mon - Fri, and when he's home on the weekends, I try to make everything as normal as possible. I either sleep too much, or not enough, I don't go to breakfast with him anymore, he doesn't know me anymore. When I'm on the toilet (which is a bunch right now), screaming with pain trying to have a BM, he wants to know what I'm doing in there. So he left this afternoon, and I turned to my trusty stool softeners. I gotta get relief some how. Melodie

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mp327
Posts: 3106
Joined: Jan 2010

Hi Melodie. It was really difficult for my husband when I was going through treatment. I believe that men, in general, just don't handle this stuff very well. There were many times when I could have used a hug or just have him lie down next to me and talk, but that rarely happened. I don't know how it is at your house, but at my house, I'm the one that does most everything, since my husband has a full-time job. All of a sudden, things were not being done--meals, laundry, cleaning, yard work, errands. I think he felt overwhelmed at times. I'm not sure he "blamed" me, he just felt inadequate because he couldn't do everything. He certainly didn't enjoy trying to cook anything because he really doesn't know how! I also think it's hard for men to see someone they love be in pain. It's easier to walk away than to witness it. I think once you are done with your treatments and start recovering, he will not be so distant. Hang in there!

sissy310
Posts: 300
Joined: May 2010

I agree with Martha...men just do not know how to handle this. Usually we are the ones who are the caregivers and take care of things like this and they get lost (and I would venture frustrated and angry) that they have to now be caretakers. But this is the way it is. I have let go of the cleaning, the laundry, the little stuff that I used to do. My son Brandon was even upset with me because he was so used to the big meals he got every night when he returned from school (for a couple months before diagnosis and treatment).

I'm sorry you are having such horrible BM's. Stick with the stool softeners. Continue taking them faithfully every day. It took awhile for mine to kick in but once they do it makes it easier on your bottom. I have the opposite issue right now so I have to take immodium and other stuff. When your hubby is gone is there anyone there to help you a little bit?

Hang in there, keep communication open with him and hopefully he will come around. It took Rich a few weeks to understand and comprehend that things had to change a bit for a little while. Now he's more on track with things and is pitching in and doesn't expect much from me which helps me focus on my own healing. I know I cried a couple times apologizing to him for being such a slug and I think that he realized that I didn't want to feel like this, this is my normal self and he softened somewhat realizing that its a partnership, not a one way street. Hang in there and come in here and vent if you need to. We're always willing to listen. Be well< Marilyne

SueRelays
Posts: 489
Joined: Dec 2009

Hi Melodie!

Nothing new I can ad....but I feel for you!
My boyfriend used to get upset that I wouldn't take a pain pill whenever I would basically crawl from the toilet to the bed, until the pain subsided. Well, it would be OVER by the time I could even swallow it.....and it's a little hard to time a BM beforehand with pain killers, trutfully i don't even know if they would work. But I used to get so mad at him telling people....She won't take any pain meds. Geez, I don't want to be all drugged out on top of everything else...THANK YOU VERY MUCH :)!
It's tough, and truthfully, I'm glad it was me, and not him! I don't think I could take him if he was in that much pain. Men ( sorry guys) just can't take it!!!!
I hope he has maybe someone to talk to. Has he tried the caregivers board? Maybe talking to another guy about this would help???

sissy310
Posts: 300
Joined: May 2010

Oh Sue, I can relate to this about the pain pill. IT takes what, about 20-30 minutes for the pill to get into the system and maybe 10 minutes for the pain to subside from potty to bed. And I had to laugh at the timing the BM with the pain pill...who knows when that is? I have no set system for going (except in the morning, it's like my body says hey, you got up, time to go!) after that it is a crap shoot (pun intended).

I too feel for you Melodie. It's difficult. My husband this afternoon said to me "so, don't you think I did a good job during all this treatment? (I finished treatment today, my last rad was this morning) and I was about to say something I knew I would regret so I simply said "yes, dear, you did well, thank you very much" -- sometimes its just easier to fib and let them puff up and feel good about themselves. lol. Hopefully they never have to go through what we went through.

Keep posting Melodie when you need pep talks or just to vent. The forum is wonderful for that and the individuals on here are loving and knowledgeable. I do not think I would have gotten through my therapy without them.

melbas2
Posts: 108
Joined: Aug 2010

Man, it's so much easier to deal with this when you have an outlet for your worries and questions. Trace is the type of man (or maybe they all are) who does not know how to express his feelings without seeming angry. I did slack off from everthing, laundry to cooking...not to mention sex. We are also in the process of trying to find aplace to live, which is hard with him gone Sunday thr Friday. When he gets home on
Fridays, he wants a hot meal, closes the blinds and makes the living room a man cave, breakfast on Saturday, then I do his laundry for the week while he naps on the couch. Sundays, he wants to go out to breakfast (I'm still eating semi-soft foods) , and he naps agan till it's time for him to go. I have a little help while he's gone, but this week, my great niece was born, so Rose has her hands full of grandbabies, and my other sister, Cindy has just put her dad into assisted living, and they are trying to get her father in law in one as well. So for the most part, I'm doing this on my own. I think I found a house, am going to see it tomorrow after rad, I can do the packing, but i'm counting on friends and family to do the actual move. The apartment live in has 17 stairs, which kick my ass just going up and down, not to mention trying to get boxes and such down. Wish me luck! They just repositioned my rad, and now 've got that new area to deal with. And I found out you can never trust a fart!! LOL, Melodie

mp327's picture
mp327
Posts: 3106
Joined: Jan 2010

I'm sorry you are having to deal with so many things right, especially those that are requiring so much of the energy that you just don't have right now. I hope the house works out for you so you can quit having to climb all those stairs. How unfortunate that your family members and friends have so much going on too that they can not be totally there for you right now. If you belong to a church, is it possible that members there could give you a hand with the moving? I have found that people really do rise to the occasion when they know someone is in need. And yes, you can NEVER trust a fart from now on! :)

SueRelays
Posts: 489
Joined: Dec 2009

You got it Sissy!!!
And I love the pacifier line :)......it is easier!!!

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