Frustrated...She won't talk or complain

Ginx525
Ginx525 Member Posts: 16
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My mother has rectal cancer along with a myriad of other health issues. Her diagnosis is fairly new...about a month now...and she is now living with me.

I am frustrated because I can not get her to tell me if she is feeling bad. I ask when I see her grimace in pain or if she is looking particularly gray that day and all I get is "nothing's wrong". I am her caregiver and she won't let me help her. I sat with her this morning as I always get up and take her a cup of coffee first thing each morning and I tried to explain to her that I couldn't do what I need to do to take care of her if she doesn't let me know what is going on with her.

I am so afraid that she is in denial of some sort. I have noticed when we are in the doctor's office if he asks her a question that she doesn't want to answer she won't look at the person who is talking to her, she won't answer them, and sometimes will bring up something completely random and start talking about it.

She is a very quite and introspective person most of the time anyway but this just seems different to me. Any suggestions or has anyone else dealt with anything like this?

Comments

  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    #2
    Talking
    I am my husbands care giver, I think he does not want to talk about it, but everytime he coughts or anything I go "Are you alright" , After reading your post I wonder now when I ask him this if he wants to say "NO I AM NOT I HAVE CANCER" but he will say he is ok.
    When we go to the doctor if I notice something or he does tell me something happened (like his mouth was numb) . I asked the doctor. I try to take mental notes and when he does not ask about something I jump right in and ask. As caregiver it is hard to know what to do , when to do it. All I can say it watch if you see something that does not seam right, when you take her to the doctor ask them.
    I hope this is of some help to you
    Jennie
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #3
    you are doing the right thing
    Gin, I've been taking care of my mother for a year and a half (after each chemo or complication from ovarian cancer), and there is A LOT of internal processing that must be done. For our mothers, it's a no choice situation. It sounds like you are willing to respect that, but you are also right to be the one to initiate honest conversations about what you need from her.

    At my insistence, my mother and I have agreed that her self care is a huge job, and that she must allow me to help. When I'm not there and I check in with her by phone, she proudly goes over the things she did that day in the self care column, and I feel genuinely excited. I guess I'm suggesting a positive conversation about your mother's difficult new job of being a cancer patient.

    Denial is good medicine. With someone as smart and perceptive as you riding shotgun, I think it's okay to allow the comfort that denial brings. Little by little, your mother will come to terms with the truth, whatever that turns out to be.
  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312
    #4
    Barbara53 said:

    you are doing the right thing
    Gin, I've been taking care of my mother for a year and a half (after each chemo or complication from ovarian cancer), and there is A LOT of internal processing that must be done. For our mothers, it's a no choice situation. It sounds like you are willing to respect that, but you are also right to be the one to initiate honest conversations about what you need from her.

    At my insistence, my mother and I have agreed that her self care is a huge job, and that she must allow me to help. When I'm not there and I check in with her by phone, she proudly goes over the things she did that day in the self care column, and I feel genuinely excited. I guess I'm suggesting a positive conversation about your mother's difficult new job of being a cancer patient.

    Denial is good medicine. With someone as smart and perceptive as you riding shotgun, I think it's okay to allow the comfort that denial brings. Little by little, your mother will come to terms with the truth, whatever that turns out to be.

    I can relate
    My husband is very stoic and like Jennie, I am constantly asking - ARE YOU OK? I don't know what else to do. During his treatment, I felt like I was constantly pushing medicine or food, or Ensure or SOMETHING at him. It was miserable for both of us, but I just had to keep doing it because he is very unorganized and would never have been able to keep up with it all.

    Looks like we are about to do it all over again (biopsy 8/23, doc thinks it recurrence - throat/lymph), I am scared and do not want to go back to the stress and worry - but we will do what we have to, to get him well.
  • Ginx525
    Ginx525 Member Posts: 16
    #5
    kimmygarland said:

    I can relate
    My husband is very stoic and like Jennie, I am constantly asking - ARE YOU OK? I don't know what else to do. During his treatment, I felt like I was constantly pushing medicine or food, or Ensure or SOMETHING at him. It was miserable for both of us, but I just had to keep doing it because he is very unorganized and would never have been able to keep up with it all.

    Looks like we are about to do it all over again (biopsy 8/23, doc thinks it recurrence - throat/lymph), I am scared and do not want to go back to the stress and worry - but we will do what we have to, to get him well.

    Thanks
    I know she is having a hard time with it all it is just that she seems to be overly complacent with it all. Too calm. Too ok with everything.

    And yes I have caught myself asking too many times the "are you ok" question or "are you hurting"...but on the other hand I can't get her to say anything unless I ask, ask and ask again and then I MIGHT get a "I just don't feel good." Not only does she not complain about how she feels, she doesn't complain about ANYthing. I just don't know how she can be so...so...oh, I don't know. I just know it is frustrating.

    And yes I am venting.
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    #6
    Ginx525 said:

    Thanks
    I know she is having a hard time with it all it is just that she seems to be overly complacent with it all. Too calm. Too ok with everything.

    And yes I have caught myself asking too many times the "are you ok" question or "are you hurting"...but on the other hand I can't get her to say anything unless I ask, ask and ask again and then I MIGHT get a "I just don't feel good." Not only does she not complain about how she feels, she doesn't complain about ANYthing. I just don't know how she can be so...so...oh, I don't know. I just know it is frustrating.

    And yes I am venting.

    Gin
    Gin,
    THe hardest part of being a mother is to show that you are in pain to me. I Am like that with my adult children. Maybe this is her was of cotroling her feelings? I would never want to say or do anything that would leave a lasting inpression on my love ones.
    When my dad died I cried but not in front of my children, when my mother died I did not cry in from of them. I wanted to but to me it would show that I was weak. Or this was how I was raised. I am not sure. Maybe your mom is taking this all in and trying to make her self understand what is going on . To control her angry so that she does not p put it on you by saying the wrong thing.
    I think your mom is trying to share you , that she is still protecting you.
    Jennie
  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111 Member
    #7
    Gin:
    I see your mom has rectal cancer. My hubby has colorectal cancer (transverse) colon, Stage IV, mets to liver and lungs. On the colorectal board there are lots and lots of people with rectal cancer, in fact most have rectal cancer, so if you have any questions about rectal cancer, please come on and ask away. The colorectal board is extremely active with almost as many posts as the breast board.

    Get you mom up and moving. Get her out of bed. Is she currently undergoing treatment? Many of our members are extremely active, they have all stages of cancer. As an aside, even with Stage IV, my hubby continues to work full time and I have gained tons of info from fellow members. Both patients and caregivers are very welcome.

    Take care - Tina

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