Aug 12, 2010 - 7:00 pm
I lost my husband on 7/17 to colorectal cancer after only 9 months. Prior to his cancer diagnosis he had suffered a stroke 9 years ago that left him wheelchair bound. I was his main caregiver the entire time. My entire life had become about him and giving him the best quality of life possible. I didn't mind for a second. I know he would have done the same. He meant everything to me.
Although his prognosis at dx was poor he was doing very well, handled all treatments really well, much to the Dr's surprise, had minimal side effects, tumor markers had returned to normal and CT/PET scan showed good response to treatment. Suddenly in a 4 day period he deteriorated dramatically and passed away.
I miss him terribly. I've gone back to somewhat of a daily routine, work etc, but feel like I am watching myself from the outside instead of living. Little things remind me of him and break my heart. I replay that last week over and over in my head. I have a very difficult time understanding why this terrible disease exists ad HATE it for what it does to all of us.
Does it get easier? Will the time come when I can think about him with joy and not heartbreak? will I remember the good times instead of the bad? I want to, I want to enjoy the memories of our life together and not dwell on the bad times, but I don't know how to ge there.