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my mom died 8 days ago

sst_jet
Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2010

Wow. After reading this through... it's pretty depressing. I just thought I'd put in a disclaimer, so if you're looking for warm, inspirational stories. This one isn't it. :(

My mom died (at age 62) from bile duct and colon cancer 8 days ago. She was diagnosed 11 months ago, and she "perfectly health" except for the cancer. (So the doctors told us.) Three weeks ago she went into the hospital with severe abdominal pains, the next week she was moved to a hospice facility. Then she died after a week of being there. (We had gone shopping and out to lunch the week before she went into the hospital.) Two days before she died she was sitting up in a chair laughing at the doctor and making jokes. I wasn't there when she passed away. After sitting with her for a week, I went to work a half day. She passed away after I was at work for 2 hours. I'm only 26 and she was my best friend. She was the glue that held our small family together, and I feel most of that pressure has been put on my shoulders. I feel lost and unbelievably sad everyday. I just returned to work yesterday, and I'm so sick of hearing people say how sorry they are for my loss. And then that makes me feel guilty for feeling that way. I realized last night that I will never get to have another conversation with her about our tv favorite shows again, and it was a whole new gut wrenching blow. It really is the little things... and I can't wait to be able to take a deep breath without feeling like I'm missing half my heart.

I guess I just needed to say it "out loud." Everyone says they are there if you need to talk, but I don't think anyone (my friends/family) want to hear how absolutely devastated I feel. Does anyone else feel like their friends just try to make you "feel better?" I don't think anyone can make me feel better, and it's annoying to hear them try. Am I insane for feeling this way?

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

Jet, you're as normal as the sunrise, and in the world of grief, the little things are the killers! But you have a challenge that's bigger than losing your beloved mother. She went so fast that you haven't had a chance to process hardly any of it, which is why you feel so crazy. Step up your self care, sweetie. See if you can get some grief counseling, too, because your heart/mind is dealing with the most sudden, traumatic event of your life.

Your mother was probably such a character! I suspect that she waited for you to go to work to leave the earth world. Don't feel guilty, there is nothing to feel guilty about.

I admire your honesty. You don't want to feel better, you just wanna cry, and that's okay, too.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I lost my husband after a six year fight with colon cancer in Oct. 2009. Everything you wrote rings a bell. Yes, I got and still get tired of hearing people say they are sorry for my loss, But I still say the same thing to others. I don't think most of us know what else to say. The truth is I am sorry for others losses. I know that the words don't really help, but over time I have found that just knowing people care does help a little. Your grief is still new. I won't tell you that time will make it better, but time has at least made it a little easier for me. Right now it is so raw that you can't really believe that anyone else understands how much it hurts. Remember that many others have experienced losses, too. Their experiences are not exactly like yours, but they do have some understanding of what you are going through. It might help to find a grief group or a grief counselor. Don't be afraid to talk to friends or family either. I have found that talking or even keeping a journal does help. Allow yourself to grieve in your time and in your way. Come here and to the grief and bereavement thread to share your grief. It does help and many here are experiencing similar feelings. You are not alone. And yes it is the little things that really hurt, those every day things you used to share. I still hear a joke and miss not telling it to my husband. I miss sharing my accomplishments or my problems. I even miss telling him about the deer I see on the road or in our yard. I can't tell you how many times a day I think of him and think how much he would like something or not like it. It is not easy, but our good memories help us keep moving forward. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take care of yourself now. Fay

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

I would not know what to say to some one , other than sorry for your loss. I would rather have them say something than turn and walk away for fear off hurting you.
I lost my father and mother to cancer. Now my husband has it. I can not tell you how many friends we have lost because they are afaird to say anything. It is hard but it will be (I want to say easier but that sounds so shallow) . Time will pass and you will want to remember all the things you shared. My daddy died 16 years ago, Now I will see my son cock his hat on his head like my daddy use to do and I snicker, cause it reminds me that My daddy is with me. Same with my mom she passed in 2007 . She could take any food she had and make something great out of it. I find my daughter does these things too. In time the memories will take a different direction in your heart.
You just need time to heal. Don't turn your back on your friends. Maybe they did not know your mother, maybe one day you will be able to share the things your mom would do and how she like something better than other. Just time will put things into place and you will see your mom is still and always with you.

ms.sunshine
Posts: 710
Joined: Mar 2010

I'm the same way. Some people want to be surrounded by others and don't want to be alone when grieving, while others like me withdraw from the world. I don't want to be around people, not for awhile, and that is ok. No reason to feel guilty.

Nat1000's picture
Nat1000
Posts: 40
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi Jet Sweetie,

I'm a mom with breast cancer, & I have a daughter that's 30yrs. old. And we are close, like you, and your mom were. It breaks my heart to hear how sad you are, & if I were your mom, I would hate for you to feel so bad. So I'm trying to get my daughter ready, for what your going through. But I don't really think you can be prepared for such a devastating change in your life. You need to let yourself grieve, & do it for as long as you need. Why do you feel the pressure has been put on your shoulders? Do you have any siblings, or aunt's , or a dad, or even a close friend that you can talk to?

I don't know if I can help you feel better, about not being there when she died, or the way you feel about your last days together. I can only tell you how I'd feel if I died tomorrow. I would not think twice about you not being there when I died, in fact I'd rather you weren't, because I wouldn't want you to see it. When we die, we aren't alone. God is there with us, and it's not scary at all. And I would want you to remember us having lunch, and laughing together. I would be so grateful that we got to be together, and happy. Those things would be my wish.

When those people tell you that they're sorry, it's because they don't really know what to say, so they say that. Even though it's a stupid thing to say, they mean well. I will pray for you, & my daughter tonight to have the strength that I know you both have. God will answer me, & you. In fact I feel that he already has answered us. can you feel that feeling I just had, of weight being lifted from your shoulder's?

I hope I don't sound like some crazy old lady, but after reading your post I felt I should talk to you. God Bless you honey.

Nat

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

I have been tired, having difficulty with sleep with my stomach feeling tight and pressured. Yesterday, I mowed the lawn and needed to nap for two hours. I did manage to enamel my basement door. I could not understand why I felt such dread combined with fatigue, until I remembered that it was the 4th anniversary of my mother's death. I'm waiting for my migraine symptoms to kick in as I type this.

Love, Courage, and Peace of Mind,

Rick

Nat1000's picture
Nat1000
Posts: 40
Joined: Aug 2010

Rick, I'm sorry to hear about your heart ache, and your body, due to your mom's death. Were you two really close? That was a stupid ques., because I have a son & we are. I am so worried that my son(he's 37) will feel like you, if the cancer takes me. And I don't want either of you to hurt, because your mom isn't hurting. She went on the greatest adventure of her life, to the most wonderful place in her life. After reading what you've been through, and have accomplished after your cancer, your my new hero. I'm sure she was very proud of you. I hope you feel better today, & God Bless.

Nat

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

My mother was the last remaining member of our immediate family, my brother died in 1994 and my father died in 1998. I was my mom's care giver during the last five years of her life. She inspired me to begin work on my second masters degree, but never lived to see my diploma. She was the strongest person I knew, having survived the deaths of her own parents, all of her siblings, her youngest son, and her husband. Mom and I were the sole "survivors" and on August 5, 2006, there was only me.

Love, Prayers, and Peace of Mind!

P.S.: My stomach is better!

KC13167's picture
KC13167
Posts: 215
Joined: Jun 2010

Jet, What a horrible situation you have found yourself in, through no fault of your own. I believe that everything happens for a reason, in this case, it may well have been orchestrated my your Mom and God. I must say, I agree with Barbara; I have seen patients wait until their family member left the hospital room before they died. I have witnessed this as my youngest child died after my father had visited him but before my husband and I made it to the hospital that morning. My paternal grandmother died in the very early hours of a cold winter's day, while I was at her side. She and I had had many conversations about her life and the effects that the loss of my grandfather had on her quality of life. She wanted to be with him in Heaven, Most of our family members wanted her to stay here with us, Grandma choose to go to Heaven to be with him and I gave her permission to do so. A few moments later, with just the two of us in the room, she peacefully died as I held her hand and talked to her about all of the fishing and boating that she would soon be enjoying with Grandpa. It's almost as if the individual who is dying knows that this particular loved one would not be able to handle the family member dying while she was in the room. Part of me has always felt that it is a very tender, soft gesture, the last gift that they can give you, a person they love and are still trying to protect; the last overt, loving gesture that the ill individual gives to the healthy individual.

Give yourself time to grieve. Take time for yourself; walk, read, cook, clean...do whatever it is that you feel that you want to do. There is no right or wrong in this process. Try your hardest to stay involve other people, try to not block yourself off from others. I find that during these so very low points in life, that I am most likely find more people offering random acts of kindness. I will pray for you. Please, let me know how you are getting along. Kellie

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