CSN Login
Members Online: 6

Two weeks ago today

Caregiver1963's picture
Caregiver1963
Posts: 46
Joined: Jan 2010

My dear husband died. For some reason today was particularily hard. I had company and we went out for a nice lunch but as soon as they left I started crying. It doesn't help that it is a dark gloomy day today in the northeast. All I kept thinking about today is what John and I were doing last year at this time. I know that there is no fix for my grief- but it at least helps to put my feelings in writing
Mary

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

My heart breaks for you...I remember those first few weeks...all full of reflection....and memories.
I used to sit here on the computer and look at pictures of Bill..taken just last summer...fishing and enjoying himself....now just over a year later he is gone...well at least physically.
Be kind to yourself...remember your not alone in the process....we may not know each other but we all feel the same way....we have a connection.
Pat

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Mary
So sorry for your recent loss of your husband. I lost my dad to ec in March. Yes it does help to put our feelings in writing, that is why I come here daily, and why I have a journal. It takes at least 18 months to grieve and mourn. Give yourself a break. Know that we will see our loves ones again, and there we will spend eternity together! Peace be with you at this most difficult time. Come back and visit us often. We will always be here for you.
Tina

Caregiver1963's picture
Caregiver1963
Posts: 46
Joined: Jan 2010

for your words. I am sorry that we have experienced losses recently. I know with time memories will be less painful
Mary

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry Mary that you have lost your husband. Many of us here have also suffered that loss. My husband died 10 months ago following a 6 year battle with colon cancer. Crying goes with the territory. We never know what will set it off. They tell me time will help and I do think it is getting easier, but I still find myself tearing up and crying at times. You are right, there is no cure, no words to help, but it does help to know that we are not alone. Take care, Fay

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

You said that we never know whats going to set us off...,for Mary it was going to Home Depot....for me...grocery shopping...still today going to the grocery store...I have to pause near the OJ..Bill drank Tropicana daily....it was like his little tonic...he liked it and felt that it was good for him...never went a day without it and to this day I cannot buy it...still brings a rush of sadness when I see the containers...
This grief thing is an odd bugger.
Today has been a bear for me....this funk just hanging around...nothing particular...just a cloud....good thing my berevement group is tomorrow...I need it!
Take Care Gal's...
Pat

Caregiver1963's picture
Caregiver1963
Posts: 46
Joined: Jan 2010

To share with those who know how you feel.I hope everyone has a good day today. I am slowly getting more involved with daily routine activities. And looking forward to getting connected with the bereavement services through hospice. Pat- did hospice connect you with your bereavement group?
Mary

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Yes my hospice sent me information right after Bill passed and also followed up with a call...I did take advantage of the meetings...and did get something out of them....my only problem is that the age of the group..well they are all quite a bit older than I am...and so our common ground is limited....they are all retired and have sort of formed a network of sorts...I tried to look past that and just listen and learn...today was actually the first week I missed...now with working there are things I need to do in my limited off time and I just could not take the time to go....but I missed it...I will make the time next Monday for sure.
My berevement counselor has great insight into the grieving process...she was the one who pointed out that I may have been spending longer at work than I truly needed too as a way of avoiding going home...I thought about it and she was right....its super busy...but not every night....tonight I clocked out at 11:15...instead of 12:30am....I was really proud of myself for doing it.
Establishing a normal routine is tricky...its a new normal we are making...and it takes time....after 3 months I am pretty much in a routine...but every now and again something triggers me....but I get though it!
Keep posting we are all here to listen/read!
Pat

Caregiver1963's picture
Caregiver1963
Posts: 46
Joined: Jan 2010

Thank you for the information. I better get in touch with hospice as they haven't contacted me yet! Good job finishing up work earlier last night! You and everyone else who are posting are inspirations to me! I have decided to return to work this Friday and work a partial day. I notice I am more focused this week- able to write some thank you notes and get some paperwork done so I think I am making progress.
Have a good day
Stacey

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Sorry I thought your name was Mary....anyway..good luck on going back this Friday...my first day back was flooded with visual triggers...silly stuff..equipment..wheelchairs...weird with the wheelchairs seeing as Bill only sat in one..one time...and seeing as your husband passed in your facility....its going to be rougher for you...your in my prayers.
Be gentle with yourself....good luck with the Hospice...Bill passed around midnight on april 21 and they were calling me before noon the next day....i actually got three calls...his nurse...the social worker and the berevement team.
Funny thing happened today....for the first time since Bill passed...I watched the news at noon time....he did it everyday when we were home and I just couldn't watch it up until today...guess your mind only gives you what it knows you can handle.
Keep the faith....
Pat

Caregiver1963's picture
Caregiver1963
Posts: 46
Joined: Jan 2010

It is Mary. I shouldn't try to write thank you notes and these updates at the same time!
One day at a time
Mary

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Pat and Mary,
I was off today, and went to the counselor for the second visit, she is very compassionate and really a nice person, I hope that she can help me direct my mind, When I came home I had the energy and strength of superwoman, I went down the basement and threw everythinbg out, big giant heavy things,I carried them up the steps and out to the garbage like it was nothing, I am thinking that it was some kind of reaction to the session, I don't know just guessing. But i had superhuman strength and energy, now I am exhausted, and my back is bothering me.
I have to work tomorrow, 7 hours on my feet, tired just thinking of it, I work in a store, and not allowed to sit.
Well have a good day tomorrow,
take care
karen

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

No problem Mary/stacy ;)...I have been feeling a little schizoid my self lately...maybe I need an alias.
Wow Karen..that counselor must have really pushed the right buttons....I did all that heavy dumping about a month after Bill passed....I was angry and took it out on the house....omg..the things I tossed....some of which I have had to replace....so much for the knee jerk reaction.
Got a bit of a surprise at work...they are talking about moving me into a day position....thats a good thing for me....I have had thoughts of taking some courses at the local college....and its just easier in the evening...we shall see....the process continues..
Really good night at work tonight..census is down...good for me...bad for facility....off tomorrow....going out to dinner with Bill's son and his wife to catch up...looking forward to the diversion.
Keep moving forward..
PAt

Caregiver1963's picture
Caregiver1963
Posts: 46
Joined: Jan 2010

Hope you had nice dinner tonight, Pat and that you had a good day at work Karen. I picked up my husbands ashes today.I wasn't sure how I would feel going back to the funeral home.I did ok though and felt good after leaving. The staff there were wonderful and I had 2 family member's with me for support. One more day off from work tomorrow and then back to work Friday. Haven't heard from Hospice yet and didn't get a chance to call them- will have to call tomorrow- though in some ways it seems like I shouldn't have to be calling them to ask for bereavement support. The social worker who works with the neuro oncologist my husband has wants to meet with me Friday- maybe I will have her help me with the bereavement group options. I think the bereavement group will be good for me- I am on 47 so I am not sure how likely there will be many people my age there.
Have a good night everyone!
Mary

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Pat and Mary,
Pat you are right she must have done something, because I also emptied the house about a month after he passed, this was different this was super human strength, I have to tell her. Who knows, all I know is my back is strained today, but I feel much calmer, go figure. Hope you get the hours you want, going back for some courses is always a good distraction. The counselor says we have to have a network of people, friends, family, people who also lost a spouse, it is easy to say, but not easy to do.
Mary, I also had to come home to my husband's ashes, it wasn't easy for me, we got him a beautiful urn, and he sits on the night table, with a wonderful picture of him on top, so I know he is with me all the time. You are very young, but bereavement groups are good, I also go to them besides the counselor. Also going back to work was a little scary for me for some reason, but after i was there for a few hours i was o k, i think it is the anticipation of how everyone is going to act.
take care
hugs
Karen

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Mary.. I am sorry your Hospice is not stepping up....I guess they are all run different....the oncologist office should be able to guide you in the right direction.
Picking up the ashes was a tough one for me too..but once I had them I felt comfort...I have tucked them away now...I had a small amount kept out of the urn and took those to Bill's favorite place and spread them there...it was something he wanted me to do.
Hope things go well for you on Friday...I know that they will...we are all strong women...but do allow yourself to grieve during the process of rejoining the work force...I tried to hide from the grief and it was worse when it found me.
Karen...the cleaning tirade that I went on after Bill passed bothered me at the time...I felt like I was removing him from the house..yet again....and I was doing it out of anger...but I sorted it out and remembered something he told me...that no matter what I do after he was gone...he will always be in my heart and thats the important thing...stuff is just stuff...and I did get a huge feeling of accomplishment and emotional freedom after having done it.
I had a nice dinner last night with Bill's son and his wife...it was just the three of us and it was nice and quiet....but yet another little trigger popped up in the resturant...they were having one of those..buy one..get one free dinner things...so Jimmy and Debbie shared their's and I was the odd man out...felt strange..sitting a table for four with an empty chair...I missed him...I got though it...but it was sad....just another speed bump I think.
Ok..on with my day..back to work and all the craziness of that.
Take care..
Pat

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

You said it. Will we ever get used to that? It is hard to be that extra person. I know there are things I am not invited to because of that. I don't mind being left out. I just hate the reason. Sitting next to that empty chair is difficult, but I appreciate those who try to include me. I do a lot of lunches with just the ladies. My family usually includes grandchildren which makes it easier. Next month we are going to a volunteer firefighters fundraiser. I bought a table for 10. With grandchildren and an in-law we will fill it. Fay

Caregiver1963's picture
Caregiver1963
Posts: 46
Joined: Jan 2010

Went pretty good. I worked a half day which was just about right- and I have been encouraged to do only 1/2 each day next week. I anticipated how I would react when people offered my condolences and that really helped. I met privately with a member of my husband's neuro oncologist team today while I was at work- we talked about my husband and cried together. I told her I can't imagine how hard it must be to take care of people with a diagnosis for which very very few people survive for any length of time. She said they feel that when one of their pt's dies they know they did all that they can do to treat the pt but at the same time it is never enough- they wish that they could do more.I was so grateful to have such a compassionate team taking care of my husband. I had sent a thank you note to the medical team earlier this week to thank them for the care they gave my husband - and she said they were moved by my comments. She said that the team would like me to let them know any suggestions I may have to better care for their patients- how often does that happen when a medical team wants the caregiver's feedback? She told me that it was an honor and privilege taking care of my husband and supporting me though the process.
I felt a peace that I haven't felt in a longtime after my meeting. Thank you for letting me share.
mary

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

It sounds like you had a really good start in your recovery..and your oncologist sounds like a kind and warm practioner...the oncologist Bill and I had the displeasure of meeting..after his diagnosis was totally opposite from your experience..she was cold and distant...we felt that she was that way because he flatly refused her offer of pallitive treatment..so we sort of dismissed her and she didn't take kindly to that...I guess she wanted us to hang on her every word in hopes of finding a cure or at least more time....we both knew that was not to be...his PCP had given us the honest truth about the situation and prognosis and that is what gave us the strenght to do what we did.
Its great that your facility is working with you by allowing flexible scheduling...your really lucky in that regard...seems like your going in the right direction.
It is important for practioners to get feedback from patients and family...and by giving it your sort of paying if forward for those to come along behind you...its a wonderful thing.
Each thing we do during this process is beneficial to us....each step chips away at the pain and helps us find our new normal.
Feel free to share anything here...it too is helpfull.
have you gotten anywhere with the hospice berevement follow-up?
Take Care..
Pat

Caregiver1963's picture
Caregiver1963
Posts: 46
Joined: Jan 2010

I left a message at Hospice but still haven't heard back from them. I was never that thrilled with the hospice we had and I was planning to switch to another hospice the day before my husband died. So my plan is to call this other hospice and access the bereavement services they offer. It sounds like your experience with your husband's oncologist was like mine with hospice- I found the nurses cold and I felt I had a better grasp on hospice philosophy than they did! Probably not the right folks to be working in cancer and hospice care. Anyway, I have decided that I need to focus each day on things that I am grateful for- and today those things are having all you nice people here to communicate with and with having the time I did have with my husband!
Mary

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

I came to find this out and was amazed with the difference's...you would think there would be continuity...scary...we were so lucky..Bill's primary nurse...was an angel...she was also a real "in your face"type...with me...I tended to try to wear my "nurse" hat way too often and often times I was making medical decisions from emotional feelings...Ruth had no problems setting me straight and she was 100% right...and Bill loved her...they used to sit and drink iced tea after the official visit duties were done...she was a real hoot...I still see her when I go to my meetings.
I had 31 fabulous years with Bill....I miss him something awful...but he taught me to stand on my own...that is priceless now.
I like this board too...lots of caring and exchange of ideas...
Take Care
Pat

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hope everyone is doing o k, I was until today, this weekend i was real busy with my sons and grandkids, sat and sun, then today i just got worse and worse as the day went on, and now i just want to run away. Maybe it is because august 6 will be 4 months that my Johnny went away. I miss him so much tonight, it hurts my heart, I hope that i wake up feeling a little better tomorrow. this is awful. I am keeping myself busy working 3 days a week, friends the whole bit, but I don;t know if I have the strength to get through this,
Sorry to depress everyone, but i feel pretty lousy tonight.
take care
karen

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

I know how you feel....the highs and lows of this thing are crazy....and the lows sort of sneak up on you.
Things have been going well for me...maybe too well...working full time...no time to sit and be sad...but out of the blue come the tears..and I have noticed lately that I am running that "tape" in my head..the one that plays out Bill's last night...I don't know why I am doing it but its ticking me off....I know I need to keep moving forward and its these speedbumps that seem to keep me tied to the past....I dunno...just need time I guess.
Try to just think of some good times that you and Johnny had...make those a focal point...it was odd...I sailed right though the three month point...maybe because I have made myself so busy...I bearly have anytime off...I maybe running a bit...but for now its working to a point.
This is a safe place to moan and groan all you need to....no one will judge you ! We are all sailing on the same ship.
Stay focused...Pat

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I hope today is a better day. We do have the strength to get through this or to learn to live with it. I'm not sure we ever do really get through it. That would suggest that there is an end point when we will be all better. This weekend will be the tough one for me. The family will be up and we are going to a fundraiser on Saturday. Sunday is Doug's birthday. He would have been 64. I am glad we will all be here, but I suspect it will be hard when everyone goes home. It is the sharing that I miss most. Each of the months we mark off, each of the first holidays, hurt. I have accepted that and allow myself to wallow occasionally. Then I pick myself up and go on. I have decided that wallowing and an occasional crying time is ok. It helps me cope. This is my grief and I can handled it in whatever way I want. I'm dating myself, but I remember a song from my youth that said, "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to. " That is how I feel sometimes. No apologies. That is just the way it is. Fay

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Leslie Gore....I remember that one....guessing I am old too....
Hoping things go well for you this week-end...I will be keeping myself busy with cleaning out my kitchen...its finally get gutted and re-modeled and I am so excited.
I had one of those moments we all speak about today..well this morning actually...my door bell rang at 7am...it was the little old lady down the block...coming to ask where Bill was...because she had not seen him in awhile...been over three months and she is just noticing..anyway I told her the story and got teary while telling her.... she expressed her sympathy..than went on to say that she knew something was wrong because Bill would have never let the grass get in such a bad condition...lol....I had to laugh...its true that the grass is in dire need of life support and I have had zero time to tend to it....but really did she have to include a critque of my yard in her condolence call ;) ...it was priceless.
Anyway on with my day.
Pat

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

I am feeling a little better, went to gym today and really let off some energy, but i think i have to do that every so often to release the pressure, like a pressure cooker.
Boy that little old lady was funny, especially at 7 am, I think I might of took a fit, waking me up so early, but i am not an early bird. So you are doing your kitchen over, that is good, something to do that will need your attention. good thing.
Fay hope your weekend is o k, being with your family will be good, it is when they leave, and his birthday is not easy, it wasen't easy for me either. but like you say we will get through this one thing at a time.
I have work tomorrow, so I better get to bed, i have been staying up later and later, bad habit,
Take care everyone,
hugs
karen

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Hi Karen...I really need to try a gym to let off some steam...been thinking about it...putting it on my "to do list"....
Yes I am over the moon excited about finally getting the kitchen redone....it was yet another thing that we just never got around to doing....problem is now that I will have an awesome kitchen and I do nearly no cooking..thats something that I have yet to get over....I had a boatload of pots and pans....threw most of them out...I just don't need them...but anywho the kitchen will look like I am a gourmet...Bill would love it...
Well that be that...didn't see anything from Mary today..hoping she is doing ok...
Take Care
Pat

Caregiver1963's picture
Caregiver1963
Posts: 46
Joined: Jan 2010

Good to read that everyone is hanging in there- one day at a time is my new motto! I am finding it good to be back to work and it is certainly a distraction for me during the day. Found out this week that the next bereavement support group won't start until September- oh well it isn't really that far away I guess. Started a journal this week which I think is a good plan.
Karen- good for you for doing the gym and you Pat for re- doing your kitchen. A friend recently wrote to me that it is now time to take care of me. It is so true for all of us to do the things we are doing to carry on and take care of ourselves. My big accomplishment and treat to myself today was paying off my car loan!
Stay cool!
Mary

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

We were all csught up in the disease and than the grief....and now while the grief is still ever present....now we must live...taking care of ourselves has to be our guys legacy left for us...
WTG on paying off the car...thats an awesome feeling...Bill and I settle a law suit some 2yrs ago and paid off all our debt it totally rocked to be debt free...I tend to be high maintaince and I think he worried that I would get into trouble with the "buy now pay later" thing after he passed...and while I did go a bit stupid iniatally after his death...I reeled it in ans continue to use my head.
Journaling helped me too....I used to write as though I was talking to him...referencing the days events and such...letting him know that I missed him...it helped..I think I am done with the group for the time being...I seriously have no time lately...I have the option of rejoining...so if it gets rough around the holidays there is always that option.
Ok I am pooped...tomorrow will be day 8 in a row and still have Friday...off the week-end....and than the kitchen re-do...I am seriously over scheduled ;)
Pat

Subscribe with RSS
About Cancer Society

The content on this site is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition. Use of this online service is subject to the disclaimer and the terms and conditions.

Copyright 2000-2014 © Cancer Survivors Network