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just a process ? right?

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

I have been really focused on trying to maintain a positive attitude while moving though this maze call GRIEF...
Now today for no apparent reasons....no triggers...not working today...lots of down time...and out of the blue comes the cloud...
Bill and his death are right up front in my mind...every place I look brings another memory...I know this is normal and I know that I am moving forward....but I simply don't understand where this comes from.
I am not stressed out...my life is basically set...all the planets are in alignment..so why do I still have these dips?
It makes me wonder if the counselor is right...that in essence I am still trying to hide from the finality of it all...in spite of knowing it in my head...guessing my heart has yet to get the memo...and now today with having so much down time...its hotter than blazes out and I was hunkered down in the AC with my Kindle...but I am thinking that I am leaving the door opened for the grief to creep in..because I have not kept busy...so I am hiding/running from the memories.
I am really ok..just so darn confused....ahhhh..this too shall pass...I guess I just wanted to pubically acknowledge that I am still a work in progress....I am far from done dealing with losing the best part of myself....cancer bites !
pat

Caregiver1963's picture
Caregiver1963
Posts: 46
Joined: Jan 2010

Hi Pat,
Someone from our palliative care team reminded me once that grief is work. I have to keep reminding myself that when memories of my husband right now are mostly painful but that with time the memories will comfort me and make me smile. Although I it doesn't feel comfortable to experience the pain it is part of the process. Earlier today I was at Home Depot and got hit with the memory of the many times we would be at Home Depot together on the weekend getting things for the house- my first reaction was to tell myself to not get upset but I did end up allowing the feeling of sadness to occur.
Mary

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

I am home. I had a good trip. Proved to myself that I could drive the motorhome in various weather conditions. I enjoyed visiting with my granddaughters as we traveled. The conference went very well. Then a couple of miles from home the tears started to fall. It hit me that Doug would be proud of me but I couldn't share my success with him. I felt his presence several times, but it is not the same. Yep, it is a process and I am still working at it. We had been going to this conference since 1986. We shared so much there and made many friends. It was good to see them. The memories are good, and they do help. Fay

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Today was not good for anyone i think, the heat kept everyone in the house, and that is not good, staying in all day, plus i picked up some 8mm film that i had transferred to a dvd and watched it, heart wrenching is all i can say, I also feel like i am running, but if i stay still to long, it isn't good for me. not yet anyway.
Fay, glad you are home, and had a good time with your granddaughters, those are special memories, and boy I hope that I get some strength from you with my driving, I am insecure, because i haven't driven in a lot of years, but i keep trying and going, I have to build up some confidence again.
Take care everyone, stay cool
Karen

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Fay glad you made the trip with no problems and may I say that you totally rock....driving that motorhome is something I doubt I could do...Bill and I once had a small trailer for camping and I once tried to back that monster up....not good...darn near took out a tree....from then on I left the driving with the trailer to him..not that he was much better..but I let him think he was ;)
I am feeling better today....I think that the issues I am having with his daughter have reached the point that its affecting me way too much.
She is in dire straights...thats a given...and we had helped her so very much over the last two+ years....I think she just got used to it...mind you during that time she did nothing to improve her own situation...but now with Bill gone the task became mind alone and I know that I need to shut it down....and I know she will be hurt..but truth be told there is nothing else I can do....anytime I do help her out...I feel resentment after doing it..towards her I mean....and if I am feeling that way..well it must not be the right thing to be doing...so my plan is to quietly step away...not from the relationship..least I hope not...but from the $$$ support..it simply can't go on...how this shakes out is yet to be seen.
Karen...Its been unbelievably hot here too...did get out for some errands yesterday but stayed indoors most of the day...today I am only going out to go to my Weight Watchers meeting...I am doing really well with that and I am proud of myself...the weight lose started when Bill took sick...lets say that I really needed to lose some weight...now I am just continuing the process in a healthy way.
Karen..watching that DVD is not a bad thing...my counselor calls that sort of thing...deliberate greif....forcing your self to revisit the past in an effort to come to terms with it...I did that by going to the beach...its painfull..but when you come out the other side...its one more thing that you have faced off with and survived...all part of the process.
Ok on with another HOT DAY here on the jersey shore!
Take Good Care ladies
Pat

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi everyone,
I meet with some friends today in SI, we went to the tibetan museum it was really nice and quite spiritual, then we went to a nice italian restauant to eat, while we were waiting for our dinner, what do you think happens, mine and Johnny's song comes on the radio, I couldn't believe it as it is an old song, what is that, I know that he was with me, but come on. It wasen't as hot here today as yesterday, a little better,
take care
hugs
karen

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

Hey, Karen, after seeing all the poor and crazy drivers out there, I have decided that I am better than average. I bet you are, too. Pat, I wasn't willing to pull a trailer either. That is why we got a motorhome. I also try to avoid backing. When my granddaughter reserved our space at the RV parks she always asked for a pull through one. I can back if necessary, but I don't like to do it. Fay

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