CSN Login
Members Online: 13

depression

andyw
Posts: 7
Joined: Mar 2010

i am crying all the time and dont want of get out of bed anymore. i am cancer free, but i just pace around the house. i used to love to cook and that is not interesting anymore. i am afraid to go out in the heat because of sweating. i watch other people mow and cry that i cant do it.
i am a man and am used to being strong

DJG1
Posts: 122
Joined: Jun 2010

Andy, I an not cancer free so i can not relate, however if you are cancer free you can relate to me. Being strong has nothing to do with what sex you are, nor does mowing the grass make you any stronger. Take a look outside and instead of feeling the heat, let the sun fill your body, look at the green grass and not the brown grass. Live life with the glass half full, not half empty. You can do this. If you had cancer, then you are a warrior, you can do anything. Good Luck

sweetblood22's picture
sweetblood22
Posts: 3230
Joined: Jan 2010

Hi there. I just wanted to let you know that I can relate. I finished treatment over a year ago and still can't eat normally and have my peg tube. I am only 93 lbs and still in a lot of pain and I am not able to work. There are days I don't get out of bed either. My doctor even doubled my lexapro dose but I am still miserable that I can't eat and taste normally. It's hard somedays. If you ever need to vent please feel free to private message me. I wish you the best and hope you will heal soon, Andy.

Sweet

dennis318's picture
dennis318
Posts: 349
Joined: Feb 2010

We Missed you....You computer take a poop Sweet...LOL

dennis318's picture
dennis318
Posts: 349
Joined: Feb 2010

I understand your feelings, I too deal with depression everyday, getting up and taking a shower, I had throat cancer and woke to a trach installed in my throat, you want to know what depression is, a year ago I was whole, working out in a gym, not a care, and never took anykind of drug, Well Andy, I was dealt with stage 4 larynx cancer. Today, i amd glad to say 1 weigh 152....i gained 12 pounds to people who cared, I just got word I got my dissability, Thanks Sweet, I was approved, but my first check doesn't kick until Novmeber, I have a Wife and Kids, who didn't realize what cancer was and didn't seem to care...I puked and went to radiation by myself...I worked everyday, and threw up in there restroom, I have Past the worst, and finally have some meat on my bones, yes I still get dpressed, Yes I miss my family that live 650 miles away and just saw them in the last 2 years.....you may think your life sucks, there's the next person, like me, it's like a light bulb, I can be great one second and my Light turned out in another, I can't figure out why this happpens, raduation, chemo, I'm right there With You Andy and Many Others that have to deal with this thing called Cancer. You Cry, Get Angry, Because your the only person that is going threw it, I hate it with a passion and feel like a piece of meat, wating for the next professional, I want this trach out, I want to be normal, I want to work 40 hours....So Andy you will go outside again. Take Care Bud...Dennis in TN

denistd's picture
denistd
Posts: 483
Joined: Apr 2009

We have all suffered with depression because of this cancer scourge, I have been on medication for depression now for thirty years. When I was diagnosed with it I got really depressed, but I knew the depression and how to avoid feeling bad, it's not something I can explain in words. I can control and overcome the bad moments, I live my life as normally as I can. I do not buy this "new normal" thinking, I am 95% of my "old normal" there are things I don't do anymore, but that would probably have happened anyway due to aging, but I play golf, I fish, I enjoy my semi-retirement. See a therapist, he/she will be able to deal with this better than I can express. I drive 2 days a week for NAPA, of the ten drivers that work there 4 of us are cancer survivors and have a great time together, all suffered with depression. Dennis, you say you were stage 4 laryngeal cancer, what treatment did you have? Denis

dennis318's picture
dennis318
Posts: 349
Joined: Feb 2010

radiation...30....chemo 3......tumor on larnyx that was missed by 2 doctors, who did all the test. By the way they have come to terms my radiation isn't healing because i was over radiated, Now I have a Left side larnyx that doesn't work, the tumor is gone, and a airwave that like to open and close on it's own....YOU TELL PLEASE>>>LOL. the doctors can't. Thanks denistd

dennis318's picture
dennis318
Posts: 349
Joined: Feb 2010

I know there going to install a CD Changer on my butt....Next, I hate Cancer!...Dennis

Scambuster's picture
Scambuster
Posts: 975
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Andy,

Many of us have been where you are. it is OK and quite normal and very common after what you have been though.

I want you to do 2 things please :

1. See you doctor and ask for a referral to see a Psychiatrist - no argument and don't take no for an answer under ANY circumstance. A good Psych Doctor will sort you out and you get on the road to recovery very quickly.

2. I want you to start to reprogram you thoughts and the best way to do that is to start doing positive affirmations. These are very powerful and proven and will help you turn things around and get your life back. For these to work you need to repeat them as many time as you can every day - hundreds of times a day is best. Write them down and maybe go for a walk and say them over and over. Please try this for 21 days and then get back and let us know the result. You will be surprised. There is a skill to creating affirmations that work. They should be in the 'present' and have no negative words whatsoever. I am giving you a few to start with Andy.

a) I am a worthwhile person; I attract joy into my life.

b) My mind is clear - my body is healthy.

c) I am open and receptive to all the good and abundance in the Universe.

d) I feel happy and attract happiness and joy into my life wherever I go.

You can do a search and find many more. It may feel silly at first Andy but let the results be the judge. I also can recommend and excellent book by Louise Hay called 'You can heal your life'. It is worth having in your bookshelf.

It's now up to you Andy to do these two very important tasks and start your journey to recovery and find a much place to be in. Think within a few weeks you will look back and wonder what you were doing.

One of your new buddies
Scambuster

D Lewis's picture
D Lewis
Posts: 1518
Joined: Jan 2010

This is amazing stuff. It really works. You are my hero.

Happy Deb

rose_hadds's picture
rose_hadds
Posts: 34
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi saw you recommended Louise Hays Book - I am reading it right now. Th affirmations I am working on. The depression following treatments surprised me as through tx I was okay. I am trying daily to be positive and see the glass half full. I just find somedays difficult to deal with. I am trying to accept and be honest with myself but most of all love myself for the wonderful person I know I can be. The depression and anxiety is difficult to express to my family as they really do not understand, They see me as done treatments and wonder why I am not happier.My first scans since treament ended are coming up and I am petrified of recurrence. Does this get easier. Will there be days that cancer is not my constant thought pattern.

micktissue's picture
micktissue
Posts: 432
Joined: Dec 2009

What you are going through is normal, given how cancer has so radically changed your life. It is going to take a while to embrace this 'new normal'. Yes it sucks. The alternative is something you might ponder. For me dealing with fatigue, mucus, feeding tube (I love to cook and eat too), and not being able to work is far better than death.

I also want to challenge you about what being a strong man means. That you are posting here is a sign of strength. Yes you might not want to get out of bed but somehow you reached out. That takes courage. You have just fought the toughest battle of your life. You are cancer free *because* you are strong. Andy, the battle took a lot out of you that needs time to replenish. Don't give up now! Try little steps - get out of bed, go to the door, and stand outside for 10 minutes. Stay active in spite of your depression.

Do you have family and friends? TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL! Definitely talk to your Drs and get a referral to someone you can talk this over with. Talking this out with ANYONE is good, but a pro would be better.

Please visit this site often and continue to ask for help. Hang in there.

Best,

Mick

stevenl's picture
stevenl
Posts: 587
Joined: Jan 2010

Hey Andy,

I started back to work on July 7th and I work out in the heat. I had to admit to myself just yesterday that I am not able to take the heat yet. I am a Bricklayer, never been sick a day in my life until the c. I was so depressed yesterday that after I went and talked to my bosses yesterday, I just sat around feeling sorry for myself. 1st time in my life that feeling has ever overcome me. I am 4 months out of treatment and thought I could handle it. But, today I got up and did what I could outside. I guess what I am trying to say is you are not alone. This crap is hard, physically and mentally. Italked with my wife and I agree with scam and mick, you need to talk to someone. Hang in there and keep posting. Wishing you the best,

Steve

rose_hadds's picture
rose_hadds
Posts: 34
Joined: Jul 2010

His Andy - i just finished treaments 9 wks amd also sufering depression along with some anxiety. This is normal for many of us and you need to see someone. Admitting it is the first step. We are all strong or we would not have been able to make it through tx. I remind myself everyday how strong I am. Do you have a good support group. Tell them how you are feeling...be honest - it helps for them to be aware. I am having some better days and some still get me down. None of us asked for this cancer **** and its aroller coaster ride for months on end. Unfortunately just becasue tx have ended does not make it over. We have to learn to live with it as part of our life...that is hard. the follow up appts for years to come...wow ....I see a counsellor and she really helps I am also on anti dpressants...helping some - I still get sad but not as much.

So see someone....accept youself and most of all love yourself

micktissue's picture
micktissue
Posts: 432
Joined: Dec 2009

Hi Andy. Just checking in on you. Can you please post so we know you're ok?

Best,

Mick

wife of chris
Posts: 5
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi Andy, I did not read what everyone else wrote but I am sure it was all positve. I am coming from a different point of view. It is my husband who is sick and very depressed. He had open heart surgery in 2005,in 2006 had a part of his lung removed. In March of 2007 cancer. He was stage 4 tonsil cancer. I am not sure he really wanted the treatment but we have a 4 and 6 year old. He did not have the option. He received very aggressive treatment. Hidesight is 20/20. I am not sure I would have pushed the way I did if I knew what he would be dealing with now. He really does not complain alot but when he is on the bedroom floor in the middle of the night crying, that says it all. His teeth are all falling out, his jaw in infected. He has neoropothhy in his legs, no taste. He was always the person that cooked. This is not meant to depress you futher. It may sound that way. Tonight I watched him swimming and laughing with his kids. If ever agreed it was worth it, even if it is just for the small momments. You just need to hand in and find what makes all of it worth it.

Hal61's picture
Hal61
Posts: 656
Joined: Dec 2009

Hi Andy, I'm about four months post treatment, and I have more emotional issues than--as my mom used to say--Carters has little liver pills (lots in a bottle). I won't list them here, but they are now accompanied by an insect-like whining in my ears, tinnitus.

I've recently been visiting a psychologist, and he advised I read the Alcoholics Anonymous big book section on believing in something greater than yourself. I'm not an alcoholic, but the life affirming part of the big book is helpful, and is much like Scam's positive mantra. Just opening yourself to the idea by daily affirmation can create an path to a kinder, and more accurate, understanding of your place in the world.

So now I pray daily. It doesn't matter who or what I pray to, only that I begin to appreciate that he/it may exist. It helps me.

On a more mundane level, I try to keep up my apartment, my nutrition, and not let the details of a normal life get ahead of me. I've also began to read popular literature, paperback best sellers, and go through them like popcorn. They too are good therapy.

The people on this board have many things in common, but the thread that binds is a willingness to perservere, to get up each day and hope and try for a better result. It's a humbling experience, and I will pray today that it embraces you.

Hal

D Lewis's picture
D Lewis
Posts: 1518
Joined: Jan 2010

Hal,

I re-read the entire Harry Potter series during my treatment, reminding myself yet again that the books really aren't that good. I think the author lost her focus, after becoming wealthy. Read a classic! I.E. any of the essays by Ed Abbey describing how he got hung up trying to hike through plunge pools in the Grand Canyon.

Deb

debbiejeanne's picture
debbiejeanne
Posts: 2227
Joined: Jan 2010

Andy, this is normal. I suffered w/it terribly. I wouldn't leave my room for 3 days at a time. It's impossible for someone who has never been depressed to understand, just as they cannot understand what we've gone thru fighting the cancer. Several people have said that once the trmnts were over, family and friends felt the cancer was over. They didn't understand all the side effect, which, I actually feel is much, much worse than the trmnts themselves.
Like someone here said, I also have suffered with depression for many, many years. The cancer certainly made it worse. Quite a bit worse. The good news is, it gets better. You need to hang in there and quit beating yourself up. Depression, like cancer, doesn't discriminate angainst ANYONE!! Yes, even a very strong man can suffer with depression. You are still as much a man now as you were b4 the cancer. Be kind to yourself. We tend to be our worst critic. So ease up on yourself, try the affirmations someone mentioned and learn to like yourself again. I pray God will help you and you will always b n my prayers.
God bless you,
debbie

zorra
Posts: 7
Joined: Aug 2010

Andy,I too am cancer free and deal with depression.Like others on this awesome site
I am still dealing with the effects of radiation and a trache every day.I am bipolar and until my 40s I was manic most of the time with bouts of depression,now it's reversed depressed most time with bouts of mania!Iv'e learned to control a small part of it and stay on 2 anti-depressants. Cymbalta is my magic pill...it not only helps with mood but physical pain also,you might give that a try. I started on 30 mg went to 60mg and am now on 90mg I felt the most change at 60 mg.Hang in there Andy...you are not only a strong man you are a warrior for going thru what you have.We have to grieve for what we've lost,I am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.God bless you.
Bev

dennis318's picture
dennis318
Posts: 349
Joined: Feb 2010

Hope this letter finds you doing better, i too same thing Andy, It seems to be getting better, I have to let the little things in life run off my back, it will eat you up, i still deal with my trach, i have 2 more weeks and we will see about removng this bad boy for good, i hate it, it makes you gag, catches mucus, and is a pain., I know some have one permanetly, and are greatful for it, i can't accept this for a fix, the doctor said I should be able to be alright without it in, and breathe ok. The depression for me, I can be fine and with in 30 seconds fall apart, and down and out, Is it a imbalance, a radiation after effect, what is it. got my dissability, I don't want it, but i have to keep my lights on, I work a few hours a week, I can't sit at home, I'm 52, I am not whole, but i am not giving up, Andy, there are days i would end it, this is not a drama attack, you pic yourself up, find something to occupy yourself and get over the hill till the next hit. you are not alone buddy, male or female, your no less, have yourself a good cry, more people should, best to all, Dennis in Tennessee, We are a Family, with the same problems to share.....give us a update on yourself.

luv4lacrosse's picture
luv4lacrosse
Posts: 1369
Joined: Jul 2010

Real men admit when they feel sad, bad, indifferent etc. Real men also let others step in an take over when the need arises. Dig way deep inside, find the one little thing that makes you feel good right now and cherish it. I know it is hard.

Hang in there!!

Best

Mike

cwcad's picture
cwcad
Posts: 117
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi there! Hang in there!! There really is a better time ahead. How long it takes is just as dependent on you as is the treatment you employ.

I understand the crying. I have been there and to be honest still doing it from time to time when things go on over load. I feel better everytime it happens. I don't like it one bit but that is ok too. We don't have to like everything that happens to us.

Keep in contact with a phycologist to help you through the lowest time. Unfortunately it does get worse before it gets better. Knowing that does help after a while. Take anything you do as a positive. I got down to being happy that I could wake up to endure another day of being miserable. After that it got better for me. My suggestion is to keep your eye on the prize. Beating the cancer. No matter what it is all worth it to fight for life every day. The sicker I became the more I realized how life is a gift.

ellenf01
Posts: 3
Joined: Aug 2010

I'm a therapist, and firmly believe in the ability of human presence to lessen pain.

I also agree with some of the others - if you are willing to give it a whirl, a good psychiatrist can help you find a med regimen to put an emotional "floor" under you while you weather this storm.

There is a good book by Irene Pollin called "Medical Crisis Counseling" that can help you make some sense of what you are going through, as well.

Finally, learn what you can from this situation. What is your ordeal trying to teach you? Do you need to readjust how you define yourself? Are you more than just a body? What is truly important about who you are? Is it time to re-define your assumptions about yourself and the world?

Look within and see the new meaning that has come to be. Then celebrate!

Michelle H
Posts: 7
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi Andy, i just read your post and hope things are getting better for you. I too have suffered from depression and anxiety since going through my treatments of which I just finished this past week. It got really bad about half way through and I had to get on depression and anxiety medications to get myself through. I'm still on the depression meds for now.

For me it was like I couldn't get through the day and I felt completely hopeless. I would have little panic attacks where my body would get hot and my limbs would get all tingly feeling. It was aweful but somehow with the help of meds, prayer, and lots of support I was able to get through it. Even getting out of the house for a walk helped lift my spirits. And reading.

Hope things are getting better for you Andy. My thoughts and prayers and with you...

Michelle

Subscribe with RSS
About Cancer Society

The content on this site is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition. Use of this online service is subject to the disclaimer and the terms and conditions.

Copyright 2000-2014 © Cancer Survivors Network