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Sometimes its the oddest thing that derails me...

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Ok..so I am doing really good....working...planning for the future...even working on pre-planning my own end of life stuff..seeing as I have no children....planning the cruise....felt solid and in control....
Well this past Monday our usual meeting facilitator was on vacation and there was a fill-in..who just happened to be the Chaplain who ministered to us during Bill's last 6wks....Bill liked the man...and Bill was so not a "religous" guy...but he connected with him...just seeing him brought back all the grief of Bill's death and I spent most of the meeting in tears.
I wanted to go back to the days he visited us...mainly because Bill was still with me....I know thats crazy....but its how I felt..one of the last times he came to visit sticks in my mind...Bill sitting out on the porch on an awesome sunny day...drinking Iced Tea....talking with the chaplain....I can see it plain as day..Bill was happy and content and comfortable...I want that day back.
I did thank him during the meeting and told him how much Bill liked him and wanted him to know that at least where we are concerned...he made a difference and was greatly appreciated.
He even made me feel good during the meeting....noteing that with my being a nurse and being able to go back to that field....I should be very proud of myself and at the end of the meeting I was feeling better.
Its just that when these moments come...I get so angry at myself for succuming to the grief.... but I can't help it...still a process I reckon...but man I miss him so much.
I know this is just yet another speed bump into the future...I will get though this..I know I will.
Pat

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Pat,
I just read something that made me think of you. It is from griefshare.com and it talks about someone having Fear, depression, anger, loneliness, despair--these emotions come and go with dizzying unpredictability. Your life is like a roller-coaster ride that you
can't get off.

Stay on the ride. You cannot hurry the grieving process. Each time one of these
emotions comes flooding back, it is a sign that you are recovering.

So after I read this I felt a little better. I too feel anger and loneliness so we have to just go slow with this whole grief thing. I want you to check out the song by Danny Gokey called I will not say goodby. This song I really connected with. Its says everything we are going through. Check it out.
Haley

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Hi Haley...after reading your post I went running to ITunes and listened to that song and man...did you call it right.
I have made a gazillion changes in my life since Bill passed.....but one thing remains solid...I won't say good bye....even at his viewing..I only said "see ya later"...and I will.
This roller coaster is getting to be a bit much...but its all part of the process.
Thanks for the suggestion...I actually brought the whole album...I like his music...truth be told I never heard of him.
Thanks again.
Pat

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Pat and Haley,
Guess what I bought the song to, it is perfect and i listened to it today alot, I don't know how good that is for us, but it just says it all, Had a terrible few days, my grandchildren were over the other day, and i pass my bedroom and see my 11 yr old grand daughter sitting on the bed either talking or praying to Johnny's Urn with his picture, It broke my heart, then the next day my son sent me some photos that he had taken at parties, and there was one photo of Johnny that got me like a knife in my heart, He was looking directly at me in my eyes with a big warm happy smile, this photo is different from the rest as they captured something in this one, it looks like he is right there, so I haven't been right, had to leave work early yesterday, crying and couldn't get a hold on it, terrible night and today was a tiny bit better, but i have that anxiety back again.
Dont know what we are going to do, it this how it is going to be, what is the point, how and why do we have to live like this
Take care
Hugs
Karen

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Karen I have asked myself that several times but the answer is our family that is still here. We must go on and you know that our men would not want us to fold up and give up. I do love the song and I think for me it is a statement to how we feel about the loss of our best friends and soulmates. The more I listen to it the more I think it gives me strength to keep going. Yes we are angry, sad but we are better knowing our loved ones. I guess for me that is how I see it. Haley

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Karen..I think this is what we are going to have to live with...no getting away from it....Cancer took our guys..thats a given...the grief is real...and its sneaky too....one minute I think I am doing ok and out of the blue comes a flood of misery and I go off into a ditch.
Nothing we can do is going to make it go away...the way I see it...is that its now part of our DNA.
I had a weird chat with a family member on my unit last night...his Mom is there on hospice and he was asking about her appetite....which is lousy..and he said..."oh well I guess your not concerned anyway..because she is on hospice" I just about flipped...and started to rant..that even though she is on hospice we still monitor her intake....it was sort of like..oh well she is dying anyway! My reason for mentioning this is to point out that the oddest situations bring up the pain...just like talking about hospice.
We will never be over it..but we do have to go on...and it can't derail the rest of OUR lives.
I have had a rough week...work is crazy and I am putting in very long hours...and when I come home and he is not here to vent too...it kills me....he was always my sounding board and I miss him more than I can say....I hate coming home to and empty house...I miss his presence...but there is nothing I can do to change that...all I can do is to live the best possible life...in his honor!
It will get better for us...it just has too! Hang in there and be kind to yourself....this grieving thing is a long process and we are still learning to crawl.
Blessings...
Pat

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Just checking in. The wireless service here is really spotty, and I have been really busy with the conference activities. It is great being with friends but bitter sweet at the same time. Doug and I had come to this conference every year since 1986. Occasionally it really hits me that he isn't here. I brought one of his collections that will be on permanent loan to the groups museum. Also, when we got to some things, I am the only single person. Our friends have really made an effort to include me, though. They are wonderful. My granddaughters are having a ball. Last night they went to the Pirates baseball game with a bunch of kids and some adults. They had half price tickets and were given towels. Today is the banquet. That will really bring back memories. They are good memories, though. This has been good for me. It still hurts at times, but grieving is a process as we are all learning. Hey, I am proud of us. We are hanging in there and stepping out of our comfort zones at times. Take care everyone. Fay

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Pat Hailey and Fay,
I am feeling a little better today, I was in the house all day, so hot out, wanted to clean or do something, but wound up doing nothing, I am not used to that, I was kind of drained, maybe from the stress from the week, I don't know. My grandson has pink eye so they couldn't come by this weekend, I do have some days when I feel stronger, I just feel so lonely, I have friends and they are good, but I just miss him so much. thanks for all your support, sometimes I fall apart.
Take care
hugs
karen

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Karen....I think falling apart is just part of the process....and actually a means to an end....each time we lose it..we come out the other side slighty better...least thats been my experience.
Had a odd thing happen just last night...work has been nuts...very long nights... and I am so not a night person and its been exhusting....anywho....last night driving home...one of those funky periods hit me out of no where and the tears came flowing out...worked though it and than found a message on my cell from Bill's daughter...she was in a crisis...and needed my help...I took care of it and went home...made me think that the funk was somehow related....he was in my mind....with sort of a warning of some sort...least thats how I thought of it and it made me feel good.
Fay..sounds like your having a nice time with family and friends....we are all traveling though uncharted territory here...but I think we are all doing remarkedly well all things considered.
Keep the faith ladies....we are the champions ! And we got this way because of the men that we chose to marry !
Pat

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

I am feeling a little better today, don;t know why, you are probably right pat, it probably makes us a little stronger each time. It is so hot here today, I decided to stay in with the air conditioner and do some cleaning, well that never happened, I just hung around and read a little and was on the computer and just kind of relaxed most of the day. I guess we need it sometimes.
I do believe that he came to you, to let you know something was wrong, I really believe in that, I know that they are always with us,
Don't work to hard, very hot
take care
Karen

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Pat,
You are so right when you said " we got that way because of the men that we chose to marry." We are very lucky to have had such loving and strong men to help up keep going. I am so sad he is gone but am so lucky I had 24 years with him. I wouldn't have changed a thing in my life with him. I just have to remember that when times get hard. We all just need to keep going one day at a time. Haley

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Karen,
I do the same thing. I tend to fall apart during the weirdest times and can't figure out sometimes what triggers it. I know that the grief share class I am taking and talking with all of you is getting me stronger. Thanks to all of you for the encouragement. It has been so hot here this last whole week. Hopefully it will get cooler soon. Karen sometimes I don't do anything and enjoy just hanging around. Today I went to the movies and saw grownups with a friend of mine that lost her husband 12 years ago. We had a great time and she commented on how much I laughed. I did notice I felt better after laughing so much. This is the first time I have laughed that much since Sonny died 6 months ago. I have made up my mind to try new things and not be so quick to say no I don't want to leave the house. I guess we have to take one step at a time. Keep your head up Karen we are here for you. Haley

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

After a crueling night at work...here I am....just got home and its 2 am....now back in the day this would never have happened....I always rushed out of work to get home to the big guy....now there is nothing to rush home too so I rack up the overtime.
Had a funny thing happen though on the way home...stopped at a light...and bust out laughing...at the thought of me...the "9pm to bed gal"..out running the roads at 2 in the morning....lord how I have changed and now I think nothing of it.
Its been hot as heck here too....which made me think about Bill...had he lived longer and gotten into this heat it would have demolished him respiratory wise...so glad he passed while it was still cool and he got to hang outside in his garden.
Haley....the laughing thing totally rocks....it shows your healing....finding your new normal...the getting out of the house thing is what pushed me to get re-employed....structure and purpose..and its worked wonders...the paycheck ain't bad either...
Ok..enough rambling keep moving on ladies..oh and Karen...get the house work done...it cleanses the soul ;)
Pat

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Pat,
That is great that you are staying up longer and past your bedtime you made before. The paycheck is great for you and does get you out of the house. I am very glad to see you are racking up the overtime. It will help you lots. Get to bed so you can up and ready to go another day. Thanks for the encouragement. You keep up the good work!!! And check out this movie " grownup". Haley

jat123
Posts: 6
Joined: Jul 2010

I lost my man to liver cancer on 6/29/10. We were together for 8 yrs. He was only 58. I am devastated. The loneliness and emptiness is unbearable. I don't want to live like this. Some days I can channel my anxiety into my housework and I force myself to get thru the day. But I can't stop crying. Friends are wonderful but once they go home the horrible feeling in my gut is back. I have no family nearby and I'm unemployed right now. He was such a dominant presence in this house and now it is dark and eerily quiet. At night I am up every hour. I am going to try some grief counseling but I am afraid that too will only be a temporary fix. I can't expect my friends to constantly keep me company and I don't want to be a pest calling them all the time. I worry and fret over everything and don't know if I can cope with life alone. I know that everyone here is probably going thru the same feelings so I'm hoping this discussion board will help.
Jill

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Welcome to the club that no one wants to belong too....my deepest sympathy on your loss...My Bill passed on April 21 2010....lung cancer.
All I can really say is be kind to yourself....there is no quick fix...nothing can make it right.
The grief is normal and varies from person to person...friends and family while great...cannot fill the void left by losing our guys...
Bill and I were together 31 years....we were inseparable...together practically 24/7....and I miss him something awful....I lost half of myself when he died.
I guess I am lucky...we were working with Hospice for the last six weeks of his life and they offer berevement counseling..which I am taking full advantage of..my meeting was today as a matter of fact and yet again I broke down...its a process.
I just sat here looking at some of his pictures and cried like a baby...today is not a good day for me...the oddest things send me off into the ditch...his daughter is having major personal problems and I was with her all afternoon...I am exhusted...and than I come home to an empty house....he should be here to help sort out the problems she is having..... but he isn't.
But all my days are not like today....I recently went back to work...I am a nurse...it was rough at first...but truthfully working has been a lifesaver...it gives me focus and direction.
This board has been a godsend...all the gals here are in the same boat we are and share their feelings without constraint...you can come here and vent..and believe me when I say that some mighty helpful tips are to be gotten on how to handle this thing...
Our guys were our lives....but now its our life that we need to focus on...living the best life we can...in their memory..we loved them and cherished them....now we need to honor them.
Visit often and post frequently..this is a safe haven...sometimes it helps to have a new view of situations.
Pat

jat123
Posts: 6
Joined: Jul 2010

Thank you for posting. I am also sorry for your loss.
I wish I could find a job to divert my constant grief. But thank you for mentioning that your hospice offered bereavement counseling. I have to look into that but our hospice left the day Frank died and did not even call since. So much for being there for the caregiver.
I am feeling that I am always being left behind. I met Frank after my mom died. She was my best friend and I had a real hard time after losing her. A few years after that I lost my dad. Now I've lost Frank. I thought we would grow old together. I don't understand why God wants me to be alone. I just want to be with my parents and Frank.
I hate feeling so helpless but I hate going anywhere alone. I hate taking care of this house alone. Everytime something goes wrong I feel useless and stupid.
Everyone says it will get easier but my future looks really bleak and I have nothing to look forward to.
Jill

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

So sorry for your loss, I lost my Johnny April 6th after a sudden short pancreatic cancer 3 weeks, and he was gone, I know how hard it is we were together 44 years, he was only 60, it is terrible, the first few months i was in the fog, didn't really know what was going on, now it is starting to become reality, I am also going for grief counseling, I tried bereavement groups and I didn't get anything from them, so now i am going to one on one, this is not an easy road, we will be on a roller coaster ride for who knows how long. We will have our decent days and our bad days, I miss my husband every minute of every day, but I keep trying to take each day at a time, that is all we can do. We can't change what has happened, although we would love to, but it is not possible. I have taken up yoga and have been trying to go to the gym, to let some frustration out, it helps.
God bless
take care
Karen

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

I am so sorry that your hospice didn't really follow-up the way they should....mine was and is great....after Bill died all of our team called me and have kept in touch...their basic deal is a 12 month follow-up...for the remaining family members.
You seem to have had your share of misery..I don't think God wants you to be alone....but though this grieving process I have questioned many things.....most things don't make sense to me..its just the way things are.
Its tough not having something to divert the grief...like a job...but even before I returned to working...I tried to keep busy....just tried to not just hunker down in the grief...its hard to do..impossible at times but mandatory in the big picture...we have to establish a new normal.
When you mess up on things your not being stupid...your learning...doing things you never did....running your own agenda...its all you can do....but more importanly its what you have to do.
I am getting used to going places alone and doing things alone...for me it is getting easier...I find that when I am doing something for the first time alone...I keep Bill sort of in the back of my mind..so in essence he is with me..just not in the physical sense.
Like I said before this is a process and its painful...but the basic fact is that..this is our life now....and there is nothing we can do to bring back the love of our lives....so we must move forward...I don't think it will ever get "better"....better would be to have Bill back...thats not going to happen....he is gone..at least physically..so moving forward is the only option.
My berevement counselor told us yesterday that one way to jump start the healing process is to change our physical environment...something so simple as to change around the furniture in the house....like if your husband always sat in a certain chair..in a certain place....move that chair...so that the painful memories associated with that chair are minimized...and it no longer is the chair that he sat in..its just a chair...I did that..I shifted around the living room....it became less painful....and it became my new environment which was not associated with the grief of Bill passing.
Most important is to not think of yourself as stupid...try finding some empowerment in the little things you do and do well....
Basically it is just going to take time...no magic pill....grief is a horrific....painful..but manageable with some planning ahead..recognizing your triggers and having a plan of attack.
I have added a picture of Bill to my page here....thats him..just one year ago...all healthy and doing what made him happy...I find comfort to remember that just one year ago...before cancer took him...that is who he was...he is not gone..least not his soul..he is still with me.
Try to stay here on the boards...there is strenght in numbers and everyone here is right along side you in this painfull process.
Please keep in touch and keep us posted on your progress and yes...there will be progress...albeit slow !
Pat

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi
I went to a grief counselor today, one on one counseling, and it seemed to be good, I was comfortable with her, and she seems to really understand what i am talking about. There is no magic pill....... it will take the rest of our lives to deal with our losses, we will never get over it. I passed the funeral home that Johnny was in today and the park that we walked around every day for excersise, and i was not good by the time I got to the counselor, but she understood.
That makes sense pat, moving the furniture around, I hope my counselor can give me some tips and hope. I feel so alone, so lonely, even though i have family, and friends it is not the same, this is so different for me, we were never ever apart, not even for a day, my eyes hurt from crying today, they ache, I hope they are not all swollen tomorrow for work, that won't be good. Oh well, I went to yoga this evening, that it good, it helps you to relax, i never went before, but i think it is good, the meditation is helpful. I am glad that i thought of it,
Well take care
Hugs
Karen

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Glad your finding your way....it is rough !
Yesterday was a funky day for me...been having some issues with Bill's daughter and its wearing me down....and with dealing with her...it keeps Bill upper most in my mind...I want to be able to talk with him about the problems and I can't.....the girl is a trainwreck and nothing I do or say seems to really get though and I see major heartache for her down the road.
I was supposed to see her last night and I bailed out...I just couldn't handle it...I had two days off and spent most of those two days with her so I got zero mental rest....now today I am due back to work and I don't even feel like I had time off.
Another reason for my funk...is fatique...working some long hours...the counselor believes I am putting in the long hours deliberatly (sp)....to avoid going home and I think she is right to a point...yeah there is alot to do..but I think I am drawing it out...that worries me.
The furniture thing did help...you should try it...it seems so simple yet its so effective...
We just need to keep moving on....but I agree that this is a lifelong process....
Pat

jat123
Posts: 6
Joined: Jul 2010

Thanks for your advice. My brother and sister in law are coming next weekend to help me move some furniture around and to help me get some things done that Frank didn't get to finish.
I wanted to ask if you ever feel angry that this happened to your husbands. I'm not sure if I'm mad at God or Frank. To tell you the truth, I never treated him like he was dying until the the last couple of weeks. He had some symptoms like the horrible itch and fatigue and later the jaundice but he was only really sick for less than a month. I thought I could make him better. I just couldn't accept that he was dying. I guess I'm also mad at myself. We never had any closure, never talked about what was happening. I still can't believe he is gone. It's like a tidal wave came in and swept him out of my life. I feel sick trying to keep my grief in when I'm out or around people and when I get home I start sobbing. Is that feeling ever going to go away?
Jill

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Pat, you are right, you are working so that you don't have to go home, but you will wear yourself out if you keep it up, I am sorry that you have your hands full with Bill's daughter, is she depressed over the loss of her father, or is there other problems?
I worked today, long and boring day, felt like it would never end, was happy to come home.
Have been going to yoga class, think it is good for me, mentally, it helps you to relax your mind, that is something we need to do.,
Jill, I am very very angry that this happened to Johnny and me, and I am angry at everybody sometimes, it comes and goes. I also never treated Johnny like he was going to die, he also didn't beleive it, even though they told us in the hospital there was no hope, it just didn't sink into our minds. We never actually said goodbye, we never talked about him dying even when we knew, I don't know why, we just were acting like it wasn't happening. I can't explain it. maybe the counselor can. I wish I could give you some hope but I don't really know what is going to happen to us. All we can do is try, and try, and push ourselves.
God Bless
Hugs
Karen

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

When we found out that Bill was terminal...we both sank...but than Bill being Bill started with the idea that no one has a time card tied to them and no one can say when someone is going to die....yes we both saw the writing on the wall....but we chose....ok..he chose to just keep it in the background of our lives.
The doctor told me that we only had a couple of months max....this I never told Bill...but he knew....we talked alot in generalities about my future....money and all and he was happy that I would be ok.
We never actually said good-bye...not the words...but the feelings were felt...he even mention about what he wanted me to do....to go on and be happy...so he knew...so I guess we had closure.
But I think that anybody who gets the diagnosis..knows the deal even if they don't express it..when Bill came home from the hospital he sat and ordered bulbs for next season..which I thought at the time was the saddest thing I ever saw....but he also drew a sort of map in the book...telling me where to put them....so he knew he was not going to be here to plant them...they know !! Maybe its just easier to not have the painful conversation....talking about it does not make it go away....time better spent being happy and content.
Although I never thought I could save him...I did everything I could to extend the time we had.
This whole thing is gut wrenching.....but I have to say that minus a few meltdowns I think I am handling things well....
Last night was tough...a new patient on hospice....family sitting with him....the roxanol....the 02...the whole scenerio was playing out right before my eyes....but the one thing that I was focused in on was making sure that the man got the roxanol.....I kept him comfortable....because I know how important that was to me....that Bill stayed comfortable....but the night was rough...but its all part of my job...and I didn't breakdown.
Karen....yes Bill's daughter is my biggest issue....her problems started two years ago and continue to this day....it was easier when Bill was here if for no other reason than I had someone to vent too...I don't think she is depressed about her dad's death....sad for sure...but her life issues are swallowing her up...I am sorting it out and I am finding that I think that...albeit painfull I am going to have to cut the cord...she is draining me both emotionally and financially with no end in sight...and in her quiet way...everytime she comes to my home she makes mention of the changes I have made...with the undertone of "would Dad like it? "....thats getting old fast..because this is now my life I am living....its a work in progress!
Ok enough rambling....lets just keep moving forward ladies...what other choices to we have?
Pat

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Just want to say hi to everyone tonight, I worked today, and am very tired, after work 7;00 i went to a yoga class didn;t eat dinner until 9;00, so now i am wiped out, have to work again tomorrow, so i am going to try to go to bed soon, hope that i sleep as i haven't been sleeping all night lately.
Good night
Karen

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Just want to say hi to everyone tonight, I worked today, and am very tired, after work 7;00 i went to a yoga class didn;t eat dinner until 9;00, so now i am wiped out, have to work again tomorrow, so i am going to try to go to bed soon, hope that i sleep as i haven't been sleeping all night lately.
Good night
Karen

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Pat I hear you with the whole hospice thing and how clients can remind us of what we went through with our husbands. I told another staff that I just hired that yes sometimes it gets hard because I feel the pain over and over again but I know that I am helping others and with that its helping me. Is it very hard sometimes YES IT IS but I think I need to focus my energy on others to take the pain away from me even if it is for just a little bit. Hey stand your ground with that step daughter. You are the boss not her and if you have to remind her that she is an adult and cut that cord. You need to make sure you take care of yourself. Take care Haley

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Pat I hear you with the whole hospice thing and how clients can remind us of what we went through with our husbands. I told another staff that I just hired that yes sometimes it gets hard because I feel the pain over and over again but I know that I am helping others and with that its helping me. Is it very hard sometimes YES IT IS but I think I need to focus my energy on others to take the pain away from me even if it is for just a little bit. Hey stand your ground with that step daughter. You are the boss not her and if you have to remind her that she is an adult and cut that cord. You need to make sure you take care of yourself. Take care Haley

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Karen....hope you got some sleep...its vital to us..you know ?
I am going to check out that yoga thing...it might work for me....work tonight totally rocked and I was able to get it all wrapped up and out the door by 11:15 pm...I was floating with happiness...when I went in to today I had a chat with the boss and let it be known that I was unhappy/frustrated with not being able to get in a groove...and low and behold tonight felt like I had been there for years...thinking that Bill had some thing to do with it...setting my mind at ease....its about time :)
On the way home it occurred to me that the 21st had come and gone and I had not had a meltdown....its been over 3 months now....but it seems like yesterday...lord I miss him !
Haley...your so right about the step-daughter....she is playing me like a cheap fiddle and I am about done...she seems to feel that I am working now so I have more surplus of funds...maybe I do...but its mine to do with as I please and Bill always said I was high maintainence....its time to get out the scissors I reckon and cut her loose...hey..how are things with your little girl? haven't seen you write much about her...thinking that things are falling into place for her.
Haley...if you don't mind my asking...are you in the health field too ?
Ok...off to bed....today totally rocked
Pat

Caregiver1963's picture
Caregiver1963
Posts: 46
Joined: Jan 2010

As a new widow ( my husband passed away July 11 at the age of 49 brain cancer)your comments give me hope that I will start to feel better and that the feelings I am experiencing now are normal in the grieving process. My mother and step father have been staying with me the past 2 weeks so I have been busy and distracted for most of the time. Today after they left it seems to really have hit me that I am alone. Even though for the past few months I have been alone at home since my husband had been in a nursing home- it feels different now. We knew that there was no cure for my husband's cancer- but didn't know until this spring how much time he had left. And when we learned that he had 6 months or less it was at the same time he lost his ability to speak. I feel like there were so many things left unsaid by my husband. He also lost the use of his dominate hand. And that he couldn't communicate to anyone what he was feeling still to this day is probably the most painful thing that I observed and I can only imagine how more painful it was for him.
But I made sure to tell him everyday that I loved him , missed him not being at home and was so happy to be his wife. I only hope that he felt that I did the best for him over the 18 months of his illness.
I am a nurse as well and work at the facility where my husband received his care. So when I return next week to work I know I will be flooded with reminders of the Dr visits for my husband and I will for sure run into the staff who took care of him.
Thanks for letting me share today
Mary

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

I cannot imagine your grief....especially since you work in the same facility...you will need the support of your fellow nurses...and I am sure you will get it...we nurses are a great bunch..aren't we ?
My husband passed on April 12 of this year...Metastatic Lung...with mets to the bone...he was six weeks from diagnosis to passing it was a rollercoaster ride that I wish on no one.
Your husband was so young...cancer is such a demon!
I am sure your husband knew you loved him and knew you cared totally about him and what he was going though..our spouses just know these things....and most times words are not needed...its a heart thing!
Going back to work was hard for me....all the associative triggers.....02..hospice patients...hospice meds...even something so benign as name brands of wheelchairs...everything set me off the first few days...but it got better.
The big thing I have noticed is that I have a very different view point now of family members....more compassion...I know what they are going though.
Its been three months now and I am finding it easier to cope on a daily basis...it will never be the same...just a new normal...allow yourself time to heal and don't try to rush the process to avoid the pain....just allow it to be what it wants to be....the pain is part of the process.
It "alone" part of it really bites....its painful to come home to an empty house...but you will find ways to work around that too...in time!
I am going to a berevement group run by the hospice that took care of my husband it helps to sit in a room with others going though the same thing you are..guessing there is just strenght in numbers.
Be carefull not to isolate yourself...be among people as much as you can...I found that journaling helped me.
Keep in touch with us here on the boards....Haley....Karen and all the rest here know exactly what your going though....we are all members of the worst club known to man...but we are all strong...loving women !
Blessings...
Pat

jat123
Posts: 6
Joined: Jul 2010

Pat, Karen, Haley - I hope someday I will be able to comfort others like you do instead of drowning in my own grief. I never had any nursing abilities until I had to take care of Frank and then found I could do things I thought I never would be able to. It is such a tough job and I commend anyone working in that field.
Mary - I know how you feel. When everyone left after Frank died I was terrified to be alone. The silence and emptiness is unbearable still. It is almost a month that he is gone and I am still terrified. It does help keeping in touch on these boards. Everyone is very compassionate and understanding because we have all been there. Take care...Jill

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi everyone,
Mary I am so sorry for your loss, he was so young, my husband also passed from cancer pancreatic April 6, I am sure that your husband knew exactly what you were doing for him, like pat said sometimes words are not needed, my husband and I also didn't discuss him dying, it was like it was not happening, it was a nightmare, bad dream ours only lasted 6 weeks, 3 in the hospital,
It is good to go back to work, but in your case it might be a little more difficult, you will have to be strong, but it will be the best thing to do,
I want to thank all you nurses for all the good you do, the nurses were so wonderful with Johnny and me, you are special people.
I wish that i could make everyone's pain just go away, but we have to go through the emotions, Mary it is like a roller coaster, some days are better than others, for sure. and unpredictable, but I also journal, and it does help, I write to Johnny every night about my day, and it makes me feel like he is right next to me.
See Pat, they hear everything, and help us as best they can, i believe that, your husband helped you, they are a breath away, a thin curtain seperating them from us.
It is very hard to be alone, I have the TV on or the radio all the time, backround noise i can't stand the silence. Try to be with people even if you have to push yourself, I always have to push myself but i do, or else i would always be alone. Alone to much is not good. I go to yoga, it is good for your mind, meditating and quieting your thoughts, all we can do is try to help ourselves,
God Bless
Hugs
Karen

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Hey ladies....just home from work....late night again...oh well...my hospice patient is still hanging on...his family stays with him 24hrs....so sad....I did take a leap of faith and let them know that I have real recent experiences with what they are going though...they seemed to feel a bit more comfortable..knowing that I come from where they are...
This thread is really taken on a life of its own and thats so neat....bunch of loving strong women facing the biggest hurdle of our lives....but proving to ourselves and the world that having had those guys in our lives made us really strong....
We will face off with loneliness....grief....core rocking sorrow....but we will all come out the other side....ready to face the next chapter of our lives.
Well bedtime for me...before my head hits the keyboard ;)
Keep the faith..gals...
Blessings To All..
Pat

Caregiver1963's picture
Caregiver1963
Posts: 46
Joined: Jan 2010

for your support and advice- I felt so much better after posting and then reading your reponses. You have all given me strength by your comments. I am waiting for a call from hospice to see what sort of bereavement support they can provide. I also am fortunate that I was connected with our employee assistance program person at work when my husband became ill and he counselor has been communicating with me via email since I have been out on leave. I met a friend for coffee this morning which was nice. Tomorrow will be the second week anniversary of my husband's death~ 2 of my aunts are coming to visit me for the day and we will go out to lunch. I actually had the concentration to watch a movie on TV last night- which is progress for me!
Everyone stay cool and keep the faith
Mary

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi everyone,
Just want to see how everyone is, today was so hot, it is terrible, This is a good thread, we are a good bunch, we have to try to be here for each other, I kind of feel like I know everyone personally, Mary I am glad that you were able to watch a t v movie, a little at a time, try to keep busy, but it is hard with this heat, it kind of keeps us grounded to the house and air conditioner.
Pat you must be a wonderful hospice nurse, you sound like a very strong soul, people need someone like that when they are falling apart, Johnny had wonderful hospice nurses, they are special kinds of people.
Well I have to go walk these dogs, I was thinking of volunteering in an animal shelter a few days a week, but my sons are saying that i will bring all the animals home and they are probably right, I will have to think about it, and find one that is near me,
Well have a cool day tomorrow
Hugs
Karen

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

It is good to see that those I have talked with before are still hanging in there. I am sorry that several new ladies have joined our group. Hello all. I am back home after a road trip across the country. I had never driven that far before and I drove our 26 ft. Motorhome all the way from CA to Pa. A friend led the way in her car. It was a good trip and I feel good about the accomplishment. It has been 9 months since I lost my husband. Coming home to this empty house still hurts. Not being able to share my accomplishment and adventures is the hardest part. My mother has now been diagnosed with endometrial cancer. Due to her age (almost 92) and her dementia, treatment is not recommended. My sister is caring for her which I very much appreciate. Cancer truly does bite! Yet, I have these four beautiful granddaughters, two of whom made the trip with me. They are amazing. Life really does throw us both cherries and the pits. Take care everyone, Fay

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Just wanted to tell you that your in my thoughts...after dealing with Don's death and now walking though it again with your Mom....
But you have a good support system and they will be there with you....she is 92? bless her heart.
Sometimes I wonder why HE puts so much on our plates...but than its not our place to question I guess....at the end of the day we just seem to be able to weather the storms and move on to the next hurricane...the human spirit is amazing.
Blessings.
pat

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

I am so sorry fay for your added problems, you would think we had enough to deal with and then something else, I don;t understand,I went to a tibetan museum today which was wonderful, then we went to a nice italian restaurant, and while we were waiting for our dinner what do you think happened, mine and Johnny's song came on the radio, I thought i would die, it was so strange, I almost couldn't stand it.
Take care
karen

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Ladies
I just wanted to thank all of you for posting all of your stories, experiences, and knowledge. We lost my dad to ec this past March, mom is having the most difficult time with this. I have been printing your posts for her, and she loves them! You all help realize that she is just like all of you, that she is not alone in this grieving process. You also all help me. Thanks again, and I look forward to reading more of your posts!
Tina

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