Ok..so I am doing really good....working...planning for the future...even working on pre-planning my own end of life stuff..seeing as I have no children....planning the cruise....felt solid and in control....
Well this past Monday our usual meeting facilitator was on vacation and there was a fill-in..who just happened to be the Chaplain who ministered to us during Bill's last 6wks....Bill liked the man...and Bill was so not a "religous" guy...but he connected with him...just seeing him brought back all the grief of Bill's death and I spent most of the meeting in tears.
I wanted to go back to the days he visited us...mainly because Bill was still with me....I know thats crazy....but its how I felt..one of the last times he came to visit sticks in my mind...Bill sitting out on the porch on an awesome sunny day...drinking Iced Tea....talking with the chaplain....I can see it plain as day..Bill was happy and content and comfortable...I want that day back.
I did thank him during the meeting and told him how much Bill liked him and wanted him to know that at least where we are concerned...he made a difference and was greatly appreciated.
He even made me feel good during the meeting....noteing that with my being a nurse and being able to go back to that field....I should be very proud of myself and at the end of the meeting I was feeling better.
Its just that when these moments come...I get so angry at myself for succuming to the grief.... but I can't help it...still a process I reckon...but man I miss him so much.
I know this is just yet another speed bump into the future...I will get though this..I know I will.