Sundance’s Last Post Before Surgery - “Final Thoughts and Stories”

Well, the time has once again come for me to be making my way to the door to go and take care of some b’ness at my Staycation Condo very shortly – i.e. the hospital. . By now, most of you are aware that I’ll be getting “DaVinci’d” on Thursday, July 8th.

As always, the plans seem to change with which the way wind blows. Originally, they were sending me to the other hospital to have a wire cathetered through my chest into my lung. Yesterday, we got a call saying they now wanted to know if I had scheduled a CT and when we could do a PET scan. What?!!!

If there were anything lighting up, then the nodule would not be removed. To which I replied, “then why did we schedule the surgery?” You’d think with the 8-extra weeks I gave them, they would have their act together – and they wonder why we lose faith in the medical profession. One hand does not talk to the other:(

Besides, last time the tumors lit up and it turned out to be false, why would I believe what the scan showed this time. They’ve been wrong with needle biopsies on my liver and PET scans on my lung before.

I told them to keep the PET, I could not afford that test and no longer believed in the accuracy, – and they waited too late and should have been thinking about this many weeks before I filed for leave and told my manager I was going to be out of work. They agreed to this.

So, now they want to do a CT and see how big the tumor is and then decide to whether to insert the wire or not. I suppose I can’t argue with that one and am scheduled for that Wednesday afternoon after I do all the pre-op. I wish I could just skip that one. The doc and his office all acknowledge that they understand the financial difficulties I’ve been going through – yet at every turn, they are trying to add on more tests and more expenses. Dr. D even asked me how I was going to pay for all of this? I just smiled and told him, “We’re working on it” LOL:) We’re just going ahead with the surgery and everything and they will just have to work with us on another payment plan.

I’ve got my concerns and apprehensions about Round II with the new and improved robot. I’ve only got two arms and he’s got five, LOL:)

You know, I never take surgery lightly and am not flippant about it for any reason. . For me, it is always a time of personal reflection – where I’ve been – where I’m at – and where I’m going.

I liken it to pulling out the power plug on your computer and the screen goes dark – when you turn the power back on and “reboot the application”, you just hope that the files on your hard drive “initialize cleanly” LOL:)

I’ve had a lot of pain the last few weeks – sitting, laying down, sleeping and even standing can be such a torture now – the pain is like having a knife stuck in your ribs and then twisted.

It’s hard to find a position to get comfortable. Probably the tumor pressing on a nerve or something back there – it’s about the size of a golf ball about now, so there’s not much room to spare – don’t know how much the pleura will expand, it’s sort of like sticking a big rock into a balloon, you know?

I had to call Dr. D’s PA this week and request some Tramadol, just because I was getting to where I could not function anymore due to the pain. Face all contorted, body writhing in pain – people at work began to notice I was not right. I was embarrassed, but tried to remain stoic and paint a picture of being ok, but it’s just too far gone to fake it any longer. The body is hard to lie to, instinctively it knows something is wrong.

So, I got a small scrip to take the edge off, so I could hold on for the next few days until surgery gets here.

Apparently, “now” the doctors are concerned and think from my description and all the locations I’ve told them I hurt, that it might be cancerous and could indicate some spreading. That's why the now want to do a full CT scan: Chest-Abdomen-Pelvis.

I still tend to think it's not malignant, and that the tumor has just gotten too big and is now causing me this pain – the last 3-weeks things have really escalated. But, we’ll see what the biopsy reveals – this is the only tried and true test that I believe in.

Stay tuned…

I’ve got a couple of other updates for you.

About the magazine article – it’s between Frankie Valli and me, as to who is going on the cover! He’s a “Legend” and I’m just one “in my own mind”, LOL:)

Place your bets on who will win – I’ve been counted out before and have beaten the odds:) I threw some of my Texan Charm and Southern Mojo on her, so we’ll see how it turns out. The magazine and the articles are really professionally done and so they will do a real nice job with it – can’t wait to see how it all turns out for the final product.

I have spoken with the Foundation President about our group and told her the Semi; Colons are a bunch of fine and wonderful folks, who would benefit so much from having a copy of their magazine.

I explained that it would be an “investment” by their foundation, and that the money spent would be of tremendous value to our community, and that they could feel good knowing they helped out so many people in our global community with their part in this humanitarian project.

She told me that the St. Paul Foundation considers it an honor and privilege to help us with our project! So, the magazines are not going to cost one cent, the Foundation is paying for the extra copies. These are limited run editions and are only published one time a year, due to the cost of publication, so this is a pretty big deal for me and then, and all of us too.

I could not be more thrilled with how this turned out. It’s a tremendous feeling to see this “small grass-roots” effort come together for this project and blossom into a successful venture.

Our friend, Don (coolvdub) has graciously offered to help us with some of the shipping and handling charges for those members, who are having cash difficulties – he wanted to help people that wanted copies to get copies – I’m honored to have him onboard helping me with this.

As you know, I don’t offer to give you a gift and then charge for it – goes against my very principle of who I am. I like to give and not take, but, you guys being the great people you are, have also offered to cover S&H for your magazine. That’s great if you want to do this, but not necessary if you cannot. My only motive here is to just give you a copy – I just wanted to share this moment in time with you.

So, really this is turning into a community project and it’s got that kind of feel now – and it feels really good, doesn’t it? It’s giving me a buzz, I can tell you that. I’m just so proud to be working with all of you on this project.

So, while I’m out with surgery and recovering, I’m going to appoint Don as our “treasurer” and he has offered his PayPal account if any donations want to be made. At the end, he would forward me a check of what we collected and I’ll put in my portion of the costs as well to buy the mailers to put the magazines in, and for the postage to get it to your addresses. One way or the other, those that have requested copies will receive them. Magazine should be published in late August, and I would begin shipping them out thereafter.

And, I’m still going to work on my book. I’ve been busy trying to close out my work and home life, so I have not had much time to really sit down and work on it. Working through the chapters in my mind. And a title or two is bouncing around in my upstairs belfry as well. It’s going to take me awhile to write it, but you guys really helped me validate that I could write something that people would be interested in. It was your encouragement that put me over the edge and made me think I could do this and have it published and maybe make a difference for someone out there. I’ll be able to cross this off my “Bucket List.” LOL:)

Ok, enough about business – let’s just sit back and talk about life and I’ll share a few stories with you – I love a good story, don’t you? Stories are like the fabric that weave our collective lives together and form a tapestry of our experiences, unique and common to each of us.

I always fancied myself a pretty good storyteller (life has given me a lot of good material). So, I’ll tell you a few stories as we sit here and pass the time in the “waiting room.” Can you sit here with me until they come to get me?

Here’s an easy one to get us warmed up…

I was about two years old and had gone to see my pediatrician for a check-up. Good ol’ Dr. Gardner, who delivered me, btw. I was always a very inquisitive child, who always had a lot to say, LOL:) No surprise to any of you that know me:)

That day, the doctor turned to my dad and he told him, “Your son has got more questions than answers.”

Four decades and some change later…not a lot has changed…except, I think I know some of the answers to the quiz now, LOL:)

Here’s a good one – you’ll love this one…

Recently at work, we had to do a seminar where we grouped together. Then, the moderator would begin to list qualities like Honesty, Thoughtfulness, Attention to Detail, etc.etc.

The idea was if you thought those qualities suited you, you would then go to that corner of the room. This went off for several rounds and when it was finally over, we were in the final groups that best represented our traits and what we had to offer.

Now, guess which group that I ended up in?

That’s right! The group that liked to “Build Relationships.” LOL:)

Stop the presses, right? For any of you that know me or have read my posts, you know this is the essence of me and who I am. Relationships to me are the “Straw that stirs the Drink.”

It’s learning those little factoids about one another, that personalizes the relationship and makes it human – makes it real. Then, somewhere along the way, you give it back to that person and they realize that you were paying attention the whole time.

There is a certain warmth that comes from this, when you know that your life and what’s going on in it, is relevant and important to someone else, as well. This is probably not news to you, but it has been a revelation for me, since meeting all of you.

We share a bond, we share thing and we do things for one another, that no one else in my life has done or is interested in doing – that’s why you mean so much to me – that’s what makes you who you are – that’s what makes all of you so special.

Here’s another good story – 34 years in the making…

Recently, my dad had some long time friends of his (and now mine) come up here to see him and to see me – it had been 34-years since I last saw them. When I was a boy, we often used to go their house and he and dad would play the guitar and sing all nite long; those were really special days and I got to hang out “with the big boys.” Those were nights when my dad showed his human side, let his hair hang down, and stopped watching the clock – they were simple times – they were the best of times. (Circa 1968-1970) was what the calendar showed:)

Anyway, I had been in contact with his wife and she had known about my illness and trials – I told her I was all grown up now and wanted my “15-minutes” to sing songs with the band now, LOL:)

Not long after, dad emailed me and told me they were coming up for a couple of days and to come by “both nights” so we could enjoy their company. It was so great seeing them both again after all of these decades. Funny thing about friends – it’s been said that true friends are friends where you “pick it right back up where you left off” as if time did not matter – just like you were talking with them just yesterday or last week.

It was just like that! My heart filled with joy – he sang songs to me that I had not heard in over 40-years, that he used to sing to me on those nights we’d visit. What a great stroll down memory lane, but still making new memories today.

Well, he gave me my 15-minutes and more…we all round-robined and went around the circle singing songs and them playing the guitar and singing, just like the old days – no TV’s, no modern day crap-ola, just sitting around the living room building memories and having fellowship – what a throwback – what a concept – what wonderful evenings!

It’s the simplest things in life that are still the best – they don’t cost a lot of money, or take a big production – it just takes people giving from their hearts and making memories that will carry us a lifetime…how I hope we have another night or two like this while we’re all still together on this earth.

And he’s a storyteller – he knows how to tell a story – he knows how to deliver a line – he knows how to make you smile - you love it even though you’ve heard it many times before. He’s just a good ol’ boy:)

You know I’ve often talked about TIME – a lot of you might roll your eyes at this, but I’ve learned to be a patient mine and bide my time and then seize the day when I see it arrive. I doubt seriously if I would have survived this long, if I had not learned “Patience and Time” – those are arts that are all too quickly overlooked in todays’ “hurry up and wait society.”

But, I waited 34-years to see these good folks again.

I’ve been at my cancer journey now for 6-years.

And it took me 3-years out of my life to create, record, and send out my DVD to Jerry Douglas and Alison Krauss and write “THE PROMISE.” (Please check it out on my expressions – greatest story of my life).

So, Time and Patience is the key to Life – all good things come to those who wait. We have to dig in and “Never Give Up” as our compadre Bruce, likes to say:)

And now, for something completely different…

I’ve got something else to give you before I walk away from here – could not leave until I left you another little gift of expression. On my expressions page, I left you a song to listen to while I was gone.

It is titled, “Walk Through This World With Me”, sung by George Jones.

Listen carefully to the words…it’s a love song, and for me, it expresses how I feel about what my life was prior to finding this board – and what it has become, after I found YOU. It’s a very deep and personal message from Me to You, through George Jones.

Just a little goodie for all of you wonderful folks – I hope that you enjoy it and I think the words will resonate deeply within your hearts, as they have in mine.

I’m learning from ol’ George how to peel back the layers of our souls and reach that area of our anatomy, where our emotions and feelings reside. Once you get inside there, anything is possible.

Once we crack open that hard outer shell that surrounds and protects us all from day-to-day life, we release those inhibitions that let ourselves to be free and to allow ourselves permission, to experience the raw feelings and emotions that make up each one of us – that sort of release that we’re sometimes afraid to expose to the outside world – but are able to do so, among friends and family in a community such as this one.

The “Connection” I like to talk about lives there. It’s very hard to get there, when we’re adults, but when we pop the cork on that bottle and it begins to flow, it is an alive feeling that lets you know how human we really are underneath all of the façade that we build up to survive on a daily basis.

Whether it is Laughter or Tears, one thing is for sure – it is real – and it is wonderful – and the feelings inside there are powerful and mighty.

And now, I’ll close this post with one last little story…

I’ve been watching some biographies that I’ve recorded. I’m always fascinated by how someone’s life turns out – who they were and what they became – and what they overcame along the way.

I was watching the bio of the Mary Tyler Moore show the other night. In their last scene together, they were all saying their goodbyes to one another (right after their group hug and centipede walk that was so famous).

And then, Mary Richards said something so poignant and heartfelt, it resonated such a strong, emotional response inside of me – I wanted to share that with you now.

Mary turned to the group and said, “What is a family anyway? They’re just people who make you feel less alone, and really loved – and that’s what you’ve done for me. Thank you for being my family.” -- Mary Tyler Moore as Mary Richards

Ditto!

And with that, I’ll leave you all now – better for knowing you and having you be a part of my life. I’ll be thinking about all of you and will see you when I get back from the “Dark Side of the Moon.”

“Sundance has left the building…”

-Craig