My daughter is a spoiled ...., anyone have any advise
Comments
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I don't have any children
I don't have any children yet Meena, but, I am sorry that your daughter is acting like this. Maybe it is her way to shield herself from what is happening to you again.
It could be her anger at cancer for hurting her Mom again.
Just a thought...
Good luck and I am always praying for you!
Hugs, Debby0 -
Thank you, Debby. I thoughtDebbyM said:I don't have any children
I don't have any children yet Meena, but, I am sorry that your daughter is acting like this. Maybe it is her way to shield herself from what is happening to you again.
It could be her anger at cancer for hurting her Mom again.
Just a thought...
Good luck and I am always praying for you!
Hugs, Debby
Thank you, Debby. I thought about this at first, so thats why i kind of hung in there, but really I think this is the way she is and she is not going to change She will tell me things she needs at the grocery store, even though she drives and could go herself. Just here venting, i guess.0 -
Vent anytime!meena1 said:Thank you, Debby. I thought
Thank you, Debby. I thought about this at first, so thats why i kind of hung in there, but really I think this is the way she is and she is not going to change She will tell me things she needs at the grocery store, even though she drives and could go herself. Just here venting, i guess.
Meena, you vent here any and all of the time if you need to! You have already been thru so much that I can't imagine what you are going thru now.
My advice to you, if you want to take it, is to stop doing everything for her. Think of yourself first now and yourself only.
Learn how to say NO and mean it. Or, just simply ignore her. I know she isn't a child, but, she is acting like one considering what you are facing.
If she doesn't accept that, have a long and serious talk with her about your feelings and what you are going thru with the recurrence. She needs to be made aware that she should be doing for you now, not you doing for her.
Take care Meena,
Sue
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compassion chipmeena1 said:Thank you, Debby. I thought
Thank you, Debby. I thought about this at first, so thats why i kind of hung in there, but really I think this is the way she is and she is not going to change She will tell me things she needs at the grocery store, even though she drives and could go herself. Just here venting, i guess.
Meena,
I have come to the conclusion that some people simply are built that way.
They are missing the part that is necessary to show compassion. I saw how
some people reacted to me.
Please try not to let that bother you too much, it bothered me at first a lot.
Then I decided to look at this as an opportunity to see who people really are.
Some are just too frightened, some just have bad case of compassion fatigue,
and the list is long.
I say it's time to be selfish for you. Not to butt in but (no pun intended) she's
old enough to understand what you are going through. You were there for
her and now she needs to be there for you.
Ayse0 -
Word of advice
I found people like your daughter believe the world revolve around them. This selfish attitude is just in her. So it time for you show her just how it feel when a person think only of themselve. You and husband need to show her better then telling her. Let her sink or swim. Now is the time for you two to think of yourself and your needs. Maybe she come around or maybe not but in the end it her lost. A parent love can't be replace and alot people wish they had loving parents.
Good luck on your treatment and I will be praying for your family.
Barb0 -
I am sorry Meena that youbjmom1 said:Word of advice
I found people like your daughter believe the world revolve around them. This selfish attitude is just in her. So it time for you show her just how it feel when a person think only of themselve. You and husband need to show her better then telling her. Let her sink or swim. Now is the time for you two to think of yourself and your needs. Maybe she come around or maybe not but in the end it her lost. A parent love can't be replace and alot people wish they had loving parents.
Good luck on your treatment and I will be praying for your family.
Barb
I am sorry Meena that you are having to put up with this. You admit you spoiled her, but, what parent doesn't spoil their child.
As someone else wrote, you really need to have a hard talk with her. Make it really clear how her actions are only making your life worse and that is NOT what you need now.
Praying for you every night Meena!0 -
Thank you for all your wisebjmom1 said:Word of advice
I found people like your daughter believe the world revolve around them. This selfish attitude is just in her. So it time for you show her just how it feel when a person think only of themselve. You and husband need to show her better then telling her. Let her sink or swim. Now is the time for you two to think of yourself and your needs. Maybe she come around or maybe not but in the end it her lost. A parent love can't be replace and alot people wish they had loving parents.
Good luck on your treatment and I will be praying for your family.
Barb
Thank you for all your wise words, i guess it is the MOM in me that keeps enabling her. I feel better just getting it on the posts! I have run into quite a few selfish people in my family since I have been diagnosed. In fact, no one has been over to visit or do anything for me.0 -
Ofcourse it is the mom inmeena1 said:Thank you for all your wise
Thank you for all your wise words, i guess it is the MOM in me that keeps enabling her. I feel better just getting it on the posts! I have run into quite a few selfish people in my family since I have been diagnosed. In fact, no one has been over to visit or do anything for me.
Ofcourse it is the mom in you that keeps enabling her. But, now is the time Meena to put a stop to it. She is an adult! You need to just focus on YOU! She should be able to fend, if that is a word, for herself.
I am sorry that you haven't had a lot of support and help from others. You are such a good, kind soul that you deserve it.
I am glad if any of us can help you in anyway.0 -
Daughter
Hi,I am saying this because at one time my daughter and me could not stand each other.We loved each other but could not get along.I had to really open up to her about how bad it hurt me.And I told her I wanted and needed us to be close.That was 12yrs. ago. Now we talk about everything.She was their for me more then anyone eles when I went through Breast Cancer.I Pray you can reach her.You already have to much to deal with.Love and Prayers. Pat.0 -
Everyone else wrote exactlyppurdin said:Daughter
Hi,I am saying this because at one time my daughter and me could not stand each other.We loved each other but could not get along.I had to really open up to her about how bad it hurt me.And I told her I wanted and needed us to be close.That was 12yrs. ago. Now we talk about everything.She was their for me more then anyone eles when I went through Breast Cancer.I Pray you can reach her.You already have to much to deal with.Love and Prayers. Pat.
Everyone else wrote exactly what I would say Meena. I pray also that you can reach her. But, if you can't, take care of yourself!
Big hugs,
Angie0 -
Ok I have two daughters oneAngie2U said:Everyone else wrote exactly
Everyone else wrote exactly what I would say Meena. I pray also that you can reach her. But, if you can't, take care of yourself!
Big hugs,
Angie
Ok I have two daughters one almost 20. crappy year and all. she comes home from college with a bit of a tude, but knows the line. she steps over it, I'll tell her to get her head out of her ****, grow up and help me. YOur daughter is po'd that life is not revolving around her, plus doesnt want to deal with what is happening to you . but it will be better for you both in the long run that she see the light. YOU need all the support right now. When I went through treatment I said "its all about me" and it unfortunately was as I was pretty sick. As time goes by it's less about me as I am feeling better, but I realize that sometimes it is still about me, there are 4 of us here and everyone gets their share. INCLUDING me. sometimes I see the push to have things the way they were, but I wont let it happen. For goodness sake you are having such a tough time! I dont mean to sound crass but this stuff makes me nuts. Marshall all your energy to take care of you and fight this disease. she may have a fit, but ignore it. Sorry for my 2cents, but we here have been worried about you and want you well.0 -
No magic words
I just hope your daughter realizes that the person that would do anything in the world for her needs her help. So far through this, I have found that some people just don't get it, and other people just don't have the emotional strength to be able to help. I would keep gently trying; directly but gently state that you love her and need her help. Sorry you have to go through this.
Bob0 -
Meena, you should not beHubby said:No magic words
I just hope your daughter realizes that the person that would do anything in the world for her needs her help. So far through this, I have found that some people just don't get it, and other people just don't have the emotional strength to be able to help. I would keep gently trying; directly but gently state that you love her and need her help. Sorry you have to go through this.
Bob
Meena, you should not be dealing with the demands of your daughter now. You need to just concentrate on your chemo and your health.
Spoiled or not, she is acting horribly considering the circumstances with you.
Please try to make her see what is really going on with your health. And, if that doesn't work, ignore her demands of money etc. After all, she is 20!
Sending you love and prayers,
Lex♥0 -
I understand. I have a 21
I understand. I have a 21 year old daughter living at home with her 4 month old baby. I mentioned to her yesterday to pick up the babys stuff before my housekeeper came ( I am afraid her price is going up). She told me that it wasn't her problem. We think there may be some mental issues. But with everything that is going on right know we are just riding the boat God has given us. But yes I DO understand. Hang in there0 -
Hi MeenaMenda said:I understand. I have a 21
I understand. I have a 21 year old daughter living at home with her 4 month old baby. I mentioned to her yesterday to pick up the babys stuff before my housekeeper came ( I am afraid her price is going up). She told me that it wasn't her problem. We think there may be some mental issues. But with everything that is going on right know we are just riding the boat God has given us. But yes I DO understand. Hang in there
HI Meena. Forgive me for weighing in, I'm not a BC patient or a regular visitor to this board but this really burns my butt... Yes you have created a monster. It's starts when they are young, you give in to them because it's "Easier" than dealing with the tantrums etc. I am not judging you, please believe me, It happens all the time. I've seen it in my own family. The boards are filled with parents dealing with "grown" babies. Is she still going to college? you say she does work waitressing (which I'll assume is part time) Well if you are still paying her car and her cell phone that needs to stop today... You and your husband need to have a stern talk with her. Also, she has to start pulling her weight or move out. Does she pay room and board?? I think it's time for some tough love Meena.0 -
Cindy Bear you took the words right out of my mouth!Cindy Bear said:Hi Meena
HI Meena. Forgive me for weighing in, I'm not a BC patient or a regular visitor to this board but this really burns my butt... Yes you have created a monster. It's starts when they are young, you give in to them because it's "Easier" than dealing with the tantrums etc. I am not judging you, please believe me, It happens all the time. I've seen it in my own family. The boards are filled with parents dealing with "grown" babies. Is she still going to college? you say she does work waitressing (which I'll assume is part time) Well if you are still paying her car and her cell phone that needs to stop today... You and your husband need to have a stern talk with her. Also, she has to start pulling her weight or move out. Does she pay room and board?? I think it's time for some tough love Meena.
It is time to use the word "NO!" and stick with it. Stop doing her wash, cooking her meals, cleaning her room, paying her bills. She is a spoiled baby in a adult world. But she is not alone, probably most of the young ones she works with are just like her. My daughter is a single adult working for a living at a fine dining national chain of restaurants as a server. She is one of the old ones, mostly early 20's, part-time college, mommy & daddy paying all bills and they take their paychecks and buy Coach purses. What a shock when they finally (if ever) are on their own and they discover that they have to actually pay bills and buy food. You are not doing her any favors by keeping treating her like a little girl. She has become mean and selfish.
Stop it now, let her rant, buy earplugs. She should have been taught compassion for others when she was a baby, some people lack it regardless, but I think it's a matter of education right from the cradle.
Ignore her and if you're lucky she will give you the silent treatment and then you won't have to listen to her. Tell her if she doesn't like it, move, but for now you are too busy taking care of you. You haven't got time for her now.
Your husband will have to be the enforcer because you don't have time for that now, you are in the fight of your life. Be kind to yourself and again BUY EARPLUGS.
What's done is done and you can't change history, don't beat yourself up. But make today a new day and help your adult baby to grow up. You will really be doing her a favor.
Hugs, Judy :-)0 -
I have read all your posts,Cindy Bear said:Hi Meena
HI Meena. Forgive me for weighing in, I'm not a BC patient or a regular visitor to this board but this really burns my butt... Yes you have created a monster. It's starts when they are young, you give in to them because it's "Easier" than dealing with the tantrums etc. I am not judging you, please believe me, It happens all the time. I've seen it in my own family. The boards are filled with parents dealing with "grown" babies. Is she still going to college? you say she does work waitressing (which I'll assume is part time) Well if you are still paying her car and her cell phone that needs to stop today... You and your husband need to have a stern talk with her. Also, she has to start pulling her weight or move out. Does she pay room and board?? I think it's time for some tough love Meena.
I have read all your posts, I know that a couple of you have been through similar instances...maybe not with a daughter, but with a family member or friend. I think our relationships with our mothers were different. I NEVER would have been nasty to my mother, (she would have smacked me across the face!! lol), especially if she were ill. She is in college, this is her 3rd year, but is off during the summer. She is waitressing at a busy restaurant. Thanks again0 -
Don't forget the Mother's Curse..meena1 said:I have read all your posts,
I have read all your posts, I know that a couple of you have been through similar instances...maybe not with a daughter, but with a family member or friend. I think our relationships with our mothers were different. I NEVER would have been nasty to my mother, (she would have smacked me across the face!! lol), especially if she were ill. She is in college, this is her 3rd year, but is off during the summer. She is waitressing at a busy restaurant. Thanks again
It works, many have chickens come home to roost when they have kids. But if she doesn't get it now, she will certainly get it down the road and then will be full of remorse and regrets and hopefully will have the courage to tell you and apologize.
I think each generation gets away with more than the previous, but this particular one seems to have it all...it almost makes me jealous of having so much and not working for it...almost.
Hugs again, Judy :-)0 -
Ahhhhhhhh, sweet Meena, mymeena1 said:I have read all your posts,
I have read all your posts, I know that a couple of you have been through similar instances...maybe not with a daughter, but with a family member or friend. I think our relationships with our mothers were different. I NEVER would have been nasty to my mother, (she would have smacked me across the face!! lol), especially if she were ill. She is in college, this is her 3rd year, but is off during the summer. She is waitressing at a busy restaurant. Thanks again
Ahhhhhhhh, sweet Meena, my fellow warrior. My ♥ is soooo with you! My feeling is that you are "simply" venting~ which you have the right and need to do! At this point in your life, I honestly don't know if you have either the physical or emotional strength to re-train a 20 year old! There is no need to play the blame-game, or have a do-over, a what-if, or even an I wish. It seems unlikely that she is going to have a lightbulb moment any time soon and simply become a compassionate young woman.
So...YOU are going to have to take care of Meena! With your husband by your side,of course. I would not be at your daughter's beck and call~ when she whines or calls and "needs" something from the store, simply be unavailable. This is not the time to get yourself riled up even further. Take a deep breath and simply say "Sorry hon, I can't". No need to say why ( it should be obvious) or that you wish you could , or that you'll do it later. Just, NO. She may be inconvenienced, but she will truly get over it and take care of it herself. If it is something she needs/wants bad enough. If she were a minor child, or in some way disabled, that would be a different story. But she isn't, is she? As you admitted, what she is is spoiled.
I am a great one for putting shoes on the other foot. So, Kindred Spirit, pretend YOU were reading this as a question from another one of our pink warriors...what advice would you give?
As long as your daughter is just being a brat and whiney, but can do things for herself, I suggest you have to ignore it~ if you know she is not going to do things for you, don't ask her to or assume she will! You will only get more discouraged and disheartened. And you already know that she can push your buttons. Don't let it happen! Take care of YOU!
Here's my mantra: Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At. Negative emotions zap strength, and you need strength to fight this beast.
My ♥ is soooo with you. We are connected in doing battle. Perhaps now is a good time to get some Positive Imagery CDs and learn to focus on Meena while of course still loving and caring for your family. Just to get things in a better balance...
Hugs,
Chen♥0 -
Been ThereSkeezie said:Don't forget the Mother's Curse..
It works, many have chickens come home to roost when they have kids. But if she doesn't get it now, she will certainly get it down the road and then will be full of remorse and regrets and hopefully will have the courage to tell you and apologize.
I think each generation gets away with more than the previous, but this particular one seems to have it all...it almost makes me jealous of having so much and not working for it...almost.
Hugs again, Judy :-)
I had a very angry teen who grew up to not give a hoot about much of anything. He was a teen when I went through my battle with breast cancer and he just got worse. There comes a day and I often told my son this but there does come a day and one hopes it never happens where a mother has to choose between her child and her health. I told my son since a very young age he better hopes his mother never gets to a point and no child should ever allow this point to happen but stress and being up all night worrying can only make one sick with time. I finally had to make that choice and my son left home at 17.
I just knew there was nothing I could do but draw the line and if he didn't want to contribute like the other members of the family did then he could find another place to live. If he went to school he could stay but would still have to live by the rules. He left.
My health improved amazingly enough even though the worry was still there.
Tough LOVE really does work if your willing to wait and let it happen. Doesn't work if just bail them out of trouble because they called. Mine knew not to bring his crap home to me.
When do we truly become the #1 in our lives that we truly should be...
Tara0
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