CSN Login
Members Online: 20

Good results........why do I feel bad?

Tina Brown's picture
Tina Brown
Posts: 1054
Joined: Nov 2009

Just got back from the hospital after having my results. It is 10 weeks since the end of my treatment. CT showed all cells in the peritoneum had got smaller, lymph nodes clear, liver clear, bowel clear, pancreas clear, kidneys clear, gall blader clear. Small amount of fluid in pelvic area and tiny amount in right lung. I had 3 chest drains there so there is a thickening but it is not cancerous. My CA 125 is 34. (It had come down from 65) My onc said I looked well and after a physical exam pronouced me healthy and fluid free in my stomach. They don't need to see me again for 2 months and I will have another CA 125 test.

Why do I feel so bad???????????????

I was a wreck when I came out of the hospital, crying and feeling down. It was a good result - I know. What I don't get is, why can't I see it and celebrate it?

I think when I am at home I forget I have cancer and everytime I go back to the hospital it makes it all real again. I survive as an ostrich and pretend everything is well which is all well and good but when I get a reality check it knocks me back.

I think my onc said I had a "partial response" so I'm not NED yet. Lets hope the chemo continues to work & my numbers drop for my next result.

Tina xx

minky1225
Posts: 71
Joined: Jan 2010

You have what most of us refer to as "Waiting for the other shoe to drop." We cannot as humans always take the good with the bad, but we try our hardest. The hospital visits always open old wounds and make us remember how ugly this "C" word can really be. As a reminder, I am just an outsider watching this all take place to my Mom. I cannot even imagine being the patient:(

It doesn't take much to figure out how strong and courageous a woman you really are... It's okay to feel down. That's what we're here for:)

There's a certain beauty to a good night's sleep and a different mindset tomorrow.

NCEllen's picture
NCEllen
Posts: 117
Joined: Nov 2009

You have a great result! Those little chemical guys and gals are marching around and still chomping! It's hard to always be up, so allow yourself to have some down time and know it's OK. I have my '125' test on Friday. It will be a year this July that I finished up my chemo and I've had good reports in the past. I'm worried about this one though. Those down days still really get to me. What we want to hear is 'see ya next year for a routine check-up'. And some day that day will be real for all of us. Maybe my chemo pac-mans are still working for me too. I keep prayers going strong in my heart for all on this board. Hugs to you, Ellen

Tina Brown's picture
Tina Brown
Posts: 1054
Joined: Nov 2009

Thank-you for replying. All of you so make sense with what you are saying. I think I will accept things for what they are.

I am a "fatelist" (where I believe our lives are pre-ordained and everything happens for a reason) So one day soon when I have gotton over this I will be able to find some meaning to it all.

Many thank again for all of your kind comments

Tina xx

sanam's picture
sanam
Posts: 112
Joined: May 2010

I am sooo happy for your good results.
Don't blame yourself for the feelings.Let it be and then let it go.
You deserve to be happy.
Love and Hugs

nancy591's picture
nancy591
Posts: 1059
Joined: Sep 2009

My therapist likens it to post traumatic stress disorder. I understand exactly what you mean. You feel fine at home and can forget about. Going back to the doctors office makes you realize you are really not 'ok'

I remember once telling my sister I pretend that I am like everybody else but I am really not. I remember crying. The emotions still come and go. One day I'm talking about my treatment and the challenges that lay before me. The next day I can be crying about those same challenges.

You will endure and carry on. What choice do we have?

BonnieR's picture
BonnieR
Posts: 1549
Joined: Jan 2004

Hi Tina, as everyone else has said this is a normal reaction and it shall pass. But if you are wanting it to go away sooner than later, anti depressants don't hurt for awhile. Saying prayers of praise for your good news along with prayers of peace and tranquility.

Hugs Bonnie

kayandok
Posts: 1223
Joined: Jun 2008

the huge gap between "fighting for your life" and "enjoying life" is enough to turn anyone into a wreck. Go easy on yourself, Tina, you will bounce back, you wait and see.
Love,
kathleen

Tina Brown's picture
Tina Brown
Posts: 1054
Joined: Nov 2009

I think you have hit the nail on the head Kathleen. I can't move from one to the other and I feel stuck in still "fighting for my life" and don't/can't imagine anything different.

Thank-you so much, everyone for your kind words. My mum is in heaven and I know she is looking after me. I feel her presence so much at the moment and I keep finding feathers where ever I go. (Was told once that white feathers are a sign that an angel is watching over us)

I will try to move onto "enjoying life" when I feel stronger.

Love Tina x

Hissy_Fitz's picture
Hissy_Fitz
Posts: 1869
Joined: Sep 2009

You look great! Is that your post-chemo hair?

I had a hard time, just going from treatment/doc visits/blood work every three weeks to every four. I would happily have my CA 125 checked every week, just for reassurance.

I agree with everyone else....while you are in treatment, you are doing something, and afterward, you feel so alone, like you are naked and vulnerable. Is there such a thing as chemopsycotherapy?

Carlene

kayandok
Posts: 1223
Joined: Jun 2008

My goodness, you have every kind of treatment/therapy known to man, in the US, so there must be someone that does chemopsycotherapy too!!!! LOL Anyway, if they don't, Carlene, start a therapy group. You would be great!

eward
Posts: 210
Joined: Feb 2010

Tina,
That is such great news! May you continue to have positive check ups and results. I have read that it is common to have a "down" period after treatment ends. Are you part of any support groups? This is the worst thing ever, but you ARE doing well. So far, so good. Surround yourself with love and activities you love.

My mom's CA has come down from a whopping 3800 to 3200 then 2500. Her lung fluid seems to be stabilizing. We think. It is a guessing game at this point. I am finding encouragement in her downward trend in the CA. It isn't where the Drs want it at this point, but it is better to trend downward than upward!

Much love and positive energy being sent your way,
Eileen

Hissy_Fitz's picture
Hissy_Fitz
Posts: 1869
Joined: Sep 2009

Eileen....

My CA125 was 4000 before surgery. Leesa's was 10,000. Mine went down to 2200 after surgery, then UP a couple of hundred points after my first chemo. Talk about freaking out! But after that it fell steadily.

A downward trend is an excellent indicator. I hope your mom's continues to fall.

msfanciful
Posts: 580
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Tina,

I think minky said it all. "Waiting for the other shoe to drop."

We all experience this sensation, because let's admit this is a roller-coaster ride of a life-time.

I'm with you went to my oncologist; cat-scan results showed all my lymphnodes are down to normal size again, my ca-125 numbers are still a 3. I'm definitely in remission and I too will not see her until 2 months from now.

I think for me I feel this downward type of foreboding sometimes is because I know I am dealing with stage IV ovca and until divine intervention happens, this is battle I will have to visit from time to time for the rest of my life. I would love nothing more for this nightmare to be over and resume my old more now appreciated life but it is what it is and so now I think our goals should be to make this a learning/growing experience and to truly live life to the fullest.

That's all I've got and of course knowing God has a plan for us all. This is why we are still here I believe Tina.

So pull yourself up and run, because of you I started speed walking again. (After 3 years!) So see you don't know how much you encourage people.

Love you,

Sharon

Tasgirl's picture
Tasgirl
Posts: 85
Joined: Jun 2010

Hi Tina
Congratulations on the positive results. I kept my head buried in the sand the whole time I was going through treatment and even now I say it was a journey I had to take. I very rarely say the C word...With PPC the fear is always the fluid building up again - as you know I am paranoid about that....
I have my oncologist appointment and blood test at the end of July and I hope to hear the words that I am still in remission. I finished my treatment March 2009 after a full abdominal hysterectomy in October 2008. I was VERY lucky that my Doctor listened to me when I went to him with vague symptoms and he sent me for tests straight away - and was diagnosed with stage 3 PPC which as you know is supposed to be rare.
After treatment I had a goal that I had focused on the whole time during chemo - running my 10th marathon which I did 3 weeks after chemo finished.
You also have a goal to achieve in July so look forward to that...
Jenny xx

Tina Brown's picture
Tina Brown
Posts: 1054
Joined: Nov 2009

Where would I be without you guys? You all give me so much. Each & everyone has something different to say that really makes sense. In my head I know you are all right and that my news is as good as it gets. My onc doctor talked about trends and my CA 125 have always gone down (even after my treatment ended) so I think that is the best sign.

Sharon, I am so pleased you are enjoying power walking. This will give you such a sense of well being.

Carlene, no this is a photo of my hair after I had it cut short & it was taken the first day I had chemo. My hair is still very short but it is growing like mad. I am looking forward to the day I can look like this again:)

Jenny, you are amazing to be able to run a marathon 3 weeks after chemo.

Much love everyone Tina xx

Christine B.'s picture
Christine B.
Posts: 137
Joined: Sep 2010

Hi Tina and all,
I was looking at past posts in an effort to get a handle on being close to remission, but not quite. What's the saying?....Close but no cigar. I found this post from you, Tina, and I feel like we are in something like the same boat. I know that you finished your latest chemo, and I hope and pray for very good results for you.
It has been since March 16th that I saw both my gyn/onc and chemo doctors and they agreed that after my ct scan showed I had responded well to treatment: still a few small tumors in the abdomen and a CA125 of 22.7 that should I take a break from chemo and recheck blood in 3 months. I have an appt. with the chemo doctor May 31st, so that's about 2 months. I know that this break is good for me, I needed to give my body a rest since surgery Sept. 10 that repaired an intestinal blockage with a colostomy and removal of omentum, and six chemo treatments that were hard on my platelets. I know I have come a very long way since then and I'm feeling very well being off chemo, up to walking 3- maybe 4 miles daily and following a good diet. I know I'm giving my body a chance to get strong before going back to battle if I need to, but I still feel like I should be doing something to get rid of the beast completely. I put in a call to the gyn/onc on Friday to ask him if we can check the CA125 this month rather than waiting until the end of May.

Some days I am living and enjoying the moment. Some even looking to future plans. But some I still pray and ask God to get me to my birthday Nov. 7 when I'll be 55 and be able to disability retire with my medical and know my husband and son will be okay.
Well, I got some of it out. Thank you all for "listening".
Chris

kikz's picture
kikz
Posts: 1275
Joined: Jun 2010

in what they are saying but also I find that I am sometimes afraid to be too happy. When I tell people how good I feed and that I am NED, I am almost compelled to tell them.....but you know there is a big chance it can come back. We are told good news but no one can tell us the news we really need to hear. YOU ARE CURED, NO MORE CANCER EVER AGAIN! Until that happens I'm sure we will all continue to wrestle with up and down feelings but for the most part I think we all do pretty darn good with our feelings. We are a tough bunch and I am proud of us all.

I am happy for your good news and hope you continue to hear more of it.

Karen

Tina Brown's picture
Tina Brown
Posts: 1054
Joined: Nov 2009

I love reading all of your posts because you all sound like ME. I too find myself telling people that "yes I have finished my chemo.............for now" and they look puzzled. I think I am afraid to relax and think "I will never need chemo again" because if I prepare for the worse then I won't be shocked or upset if I have to have chemo again.

We are a tough bunch. Well we are women and women are good at being tough :) I have a new out look on life these days and I think about my cancer as a "chronic" condition that can be controlled with drugs - chemo. However, I am trying to be too strong and this is wearing me out. So I will take some advice that one of you mentioned and I might have a little "meltdown" or a "cry" because that help me to remember that I am human and its OK to be sad.

Tina xx

Cafewoman53's picture
Cafewoman53
Posts: 735
Joined: Jul 2010

I think the only way to stay strong is to have little meltdowns every once in a while. And yes you had good results but you can still remember a time when you had no need for results. a time when you were healthy and had no need for the hospital.
I don't get my chemo at a hospital but after two major surgeries in eight months I got nervous and teary eyed just taking my step-mom for some tests at the hospital.
Celebrate your results, I love your blue hair by the way !
Colleen

LaundryQueen's picture
LaundryQueen
Posts: 682
Joined: Mar 2011

Enough said.

Subscribe with RSS
About Cancer Society

The content on this site is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition. Use of this online service is subject to the disclaimer and the terms and conditions.

Copyright 2000-2014 © Cancer Survivors Network