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question for ya

wendybia's picture
wendybia
Posts: 73
Joined: Jan 2010

hey all....i usually go to the breast cancer board but saw this board and thought to stop in...so let me ask you
i'm single...was diagnosed with breast cancer 10/2009.....had unilateral masectomy in Dec with immediate DIEP reconstruction...i don't need chemo am doing hormone therapy for the next 5 years....my body is a scarred mess....one incision from hip bone to hip bone and a scar on my breast that looks like a football, with a funny looking nipple right in the middle....when do i tell anyone that i may be interested in my story ??????

24242
Posts: 1417
Joined: Mar 2001

You know the world is changing so fast and people looking for people including having health bagage. I fell for a woman who had MS in early years of my sisterhoodship. It didn't matter to me then but as time went on it was her control issues because she had no control over her health that became the problem. WE also didn't raise our children the same so that became a deciding factor.
I have a partner so easy for me to say right. Woman are looking for LOVE and sometimes experience makes us the best lovers. I know I am so different than the woman my lover met and believe you me it is a wonder we are together for it has not been easy.
Honesty is what people want and until your comfortable and ready to jump then be happy in the moment. If it scares them away they are not for you. My lover and I have finally come to terms with all of it and believe you me feel like we were being honest for the first time in 17 years. Laying your cards fully on the table can only lead to something that is GREAT. Being open to the possibility.
Tara

whistlestopgirl
Posts: 28
Joined: Nov 2009

In my opinion you don't need to share that info right away. First see if there is even a mutual interest in one another. Then if that is the case and you want to begin really dating than you should be up front about everything. However like Tara said if they can't deal with your scars, then they are not for you anyway. I feel if someone only thinks that shallow and can't see past someones scars than they would not be someone I would be interested in anyway. My partner has several scars from different surgeries however I feel it only makes her more beautiful in my eyes since each scar is a battle she has fought and won. Even when her hair fell out she still was beautiful to me since the beauty never fades when you really love and care about someone. I guess what I am saying is if someone can't look past things like scars from the beginning than what would they be like in the future if something happened to someone they loved. I truly think most women really won't care about your scars as much as they would about you as a person, but if any do think that way then truly who wants to get involved with someone so truly shallow. Anyway that is throwing in my two cents for whatever it is worth

wendybia's picture
wendybia
Posts: 73
Joined: Jan 2010

Most days I'm ok with it but sometimes....when I get out of the shower and look in the mirror it's overhelming...I don't mean just the scars, it's the scars though that take me there. Life will never be the same again...I'll never be the same again and so far I don't really like the new normal. Here come the tears...see ya and thanks. Wendy

24242
Posts: 1417
Joined: Mar 2001

Hugging you...

Wendy,

You know what is worse than bad scars and disformed chests is a bad personality and it sounds like you do not have one of those. I too struggled with this thing called normal but not just from surgery but most of my life since never wanted to embrace this gay thing so the scars truly were nothing when I thought about the big picture. My partner and I have almost split a few times and that certainly is what scares me it is just having to go out and meet someone. I never was very good at that never able to read the signals.
I have thought maybe I should get reconstruction for my wife but she assures me that isn't necessary for that matters little to her. Nothing about our relationship is the same and we have had to fight long and hard the past 14 years for the love we so easily forget.

I want you to know that somewhere along the line we realize that we are much better people for have survived such an experience and hopefully have learned so much more about ourselves than we did before. With new health problems I feel sorry for my girl because this is not what she really signed up for and wonder when our lives will truly begin. Then we both look at each other and finally the spark is back in our eyes and that spills over into all the doubt moving us forward instead of staying stuck in it all. She told me that it could be a whole pile worse and we have to remember that more than anything.

Wendy it is normal to feel as you do and I only hope that you can let it go sooner than later and get out and enjoy yourself first. Being open to the possibilities is trul the key.
It is true, people can tell when we are just not available.
Tara

whistlestopgirl
Posts: 28
Joined: Nov 2009

Wendy,

Just know we are here if you need an ear to listen or a word of advice. You have been through alot and just like any of us who have had our worlds turned upside down by cancer you never do feel life is like it used to be before the diagnosis. However take things one day at a time. I know that sounds like a slogan, but it is so true. Each day brings something new, and we always have hope that something new will be good or positive. Anyway sending you best wishes.

Diane

wendybia's picture
wendybia
Posts: 73
Joined: Jan 2010

now it's lymphedema...been in therapy all this week and will be next too....once you get it you got it...no turning back...i'll be stuck wearing a compression sleeve and freakin' glove the rest of my life...every day....how attractive...how nice to always have that reminder of my cancer right there in my face...ya know there's this bar not far that i go to sometimes, because nobody knows me there so for a little while no one asks how ya feelin'....you look good...i'm just some normal chick sitting having a beer...this just sucks and i needed to vent....thanks, wendy

TraciInLA's picture
TraciInLA
Posts: 1836
Joined: Jul 2009

I don't post here often -- I'm active on the breast cancer board -- but just wanted to send you a cyberhug, Wendy, and tell you, YOU LOOK GOOD!

No, seriously...I'm right there on that barstool next to you. If one more person tells me I look good, I'm going to hurl. It's like they don't believe I still feel like cr*p, my hair's grown back, so I must be all better, right? Grrrrrrr...

I'm so sorry about the lymphedema, Wendy -- will you really have to wear a compression sleeve every day for the rest of your life? Or only in certain situations?

Have some pizza with that beer -- you deserve it.

Traci

wendybia's picture
wendybia
Posts: 73
Joined: Jan 2010

don't be jealous traci... i look goooood in it...lol
sucks but yes everyday...a day time sleeve and a sleeping sleeve...should be great for cuddling...seeing the therapist everyday this week and then just checked every 6 months...i must say my breast looks better...she massages the scar tissue to help with fluid flow and my scar looks much better.....still ugly just not as ugly lol
i just needed to complain...i hate complaining to my friends i don't want them to feel sorry for me and nobody likes the complainer but sometimes you just have to let it out so i did here...God gives me strength and i make it thru' all this crap.
i'll definitely have pizza with my beer and lift my glass to you....cyberhug right back at ya...wendy

jamie-d's picture
jamie-d
Posts: 7
Joined: Jul 2010

HI THERE, YOU, I AND HER ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL. THINK POSSITIVE AND POSSITIVE WILL COME YOUR WAY, THAT'S WHAT THEY TELL ME ANY WAY :) I SHOULD TAKE MY OWN ADVICE, ALL IN ALL WHEN SOMEONE LOOKS PAST A SCAR OR WAR WOUND, AND JUST LOVES, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL AND GIRL THERE ARE A LOT OF US OUT THERE. YOU HAVE TO COME TO TERMS WITH IT, AND START TELLING YOURSELF AND BELIEVING YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. EASIER SAID THAN DONE, I KNOW, BUT ONCE YOU START TO GAIN THAT CONFIDENCE WITHIN YOU, IT'S BEAUTIFUL... SMILE FRIEND...
SINGED, THE NEW GIRL

congoody
Posts: 74
Joined: Jan 2010

Hi Wendy,
I remembered this post when I was reading about "dating after cancer" on the Livestrong web site - they have a great section all about starting new relationships after a cancer diagnosis - helped me a lot -
good luck - Connie.

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