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looking for someone to talk to who lost a mother

jminc
Posts: 3
Joined: Jun 2010

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 6 1/2 years ago, and she passed away may 22nd, 2010 i am 25 and it has been very hard because i also lost my father 2 years ago in a accident which was a complete shock since he was completely healthy. I was just looking for someone to talk to who can relate to losing a mother?? I feel like no one understands me including my fiance. Everyone wants me to just go out and act like nothing happened. I loved my mother so much she cared for me like no other, my sister is 13 years older than me but we are not very close. She is married and has children and I'm not married and have no kids yet, i just graduated college and she was not there for graduation. I feel like i lost my whole life and my best friend. I am still in shock that she is gone because she was such a fighter, she didn't think cancer would take her life, I also have mixed feelings about hospice and think they gave her to much pain medication which i think sped up her dying process. Even until the very end my mother was only concerned about my well being. I just hope i can meet someone on here who i can talk to and can relate with me.....

anthonya
Posts: 11
Joined: Jun 2010

I was extremely close to my mother. I lost her to cancer in late May of this year.

I understand your pain. It is something that will be with us forever. But we can minimize the pain as we move forward by keeping in mind that as their children, we are extensions of their lives and legacy. We can honor their memory by moving forward at a pace that is healthy for our recovery. Our mothers would want this for us.

a

Cindy Bear
Posts: 564
Joined: Jul 2009

Hello. I am so sorry for your loss. I too am an orphan. I lost my father in 96 to lung disease and my mother last year to Stage IV uterine cancer. The anniv. date 6/19 is coming up. We never thought she would get cancer. Healthy, strong little lady, no real health issues other than High BP. Never smoked, rarely touched alcohol. Four months into treatment she was gone. It was like being hit on the head with a sledgehammer. I continue to run the gamut of emotions. Anger, at fate, and God and the sloppy medical care she received. A one size fits all cancer conveyor belt. Angry at her for leaving us. If only she had been more assertive, when she first started having symptoms, maybe she would be still be here. The guilt, I should have done more, coulda, woulda, should. The grief. I still wait for the phone to ring, every Sat. we would talk. I Can't bear to turn the TV on between 7-8pm. She never missed Wheel of Fortune or Jeopardy.
People mean well, but I bit my tongue alot. Things they said, "The lord works in mysterious ways," it's for the best, when your time is up, your time is up. I found myself saying 'it is what it is and what happens happens" I still say it all the time. It's became a sort of mantra. My mother wasn't the same after cancer. We lost her twice. First at diagnosis, and then when she actually died. She was frightened, of the cancer, of dying of the treatment and of the treatment ending. "what then, what if, what next...' I am 48 , alot older than you, and it's not easy. But you will find the strength and courage to go on and it will get easier. Be good to yourself, take care of yourself. Hugs, Cindy

michelle1966
Posts: 2
Joined: Jun 2010

I'm sorry for all of your losses. I, too lost my mom. She passed away on 7/7/07 from Stage IV Colon Cancer. She was just 60. Her anniversary is quickly approaching, and I'm finding myself crying more than I have in quite some time. I thought it would have been a little easier...after almost 3 years. It still feels as if I lost her yesterday. Take it one day at a time...and know you're not alone. BIG HUGS...

AKAngel's picture
AKAngel
Posts: 74
Joined: Mar 2010

I think that's the biggest comfort of these discussion boards; that we can reach out and find people that have been through the same hell or something very similar. I am very sorry for your loss of your mom, and being without your dad too. I just lost my mom on 6/13/10 after a short battle with liver cancer (she was diagnosed just a year ago). She was doing really well until late December when her body decided to reject her treatment and allowed the cancer to feed and grow on the medicine trying to destroy it. In that case, it was like 'ok, well I guess God does want you and there's no stopping Him.' She realized that she couldn't win, and didn't want to keep on trying all sorts of treatments out there that would continue to destroy the little bit of life she had left, so she made the decision to just accept. It was the hardest thing to go through just seeing my mom suffer, not only with the pain, but struggling to remember and trying to act like a regular human being. She was a fighter, and to the end of her conscious mind, fought if she didn't want water, she wanted juice, or didn't want to take her medicine, or whatever. My dad and I weren't a 100% pleased with hospice, in the fact that yes, it does seem like they just want to medicate and keep your loved one in a daze...when all you're trying to do is get the time with them to enjoy every last second. It's one of the many reasons I do hate all the drug companies out there. They produce so many side-effect inducing medicines and take no responsibility for it. Sure your pain is gone, but by the way, here's constipation and memory loss and confusion, just so you can't feel the pain. Oh, thanks. But hospice isn't to blame for that, after all, they function as a 'comfort care' facility. If that means the person isn't aware of the world but isn't in pain...well, that's a level of comfort, if not the most 'comforting' aspect to everyone that's not the patient. But on the up side, they do offer grief counseling for a year afterwards, and I plan on taking advantage of that as much as possible. But my dad grieves differently, and doesn't want counseling at this time. It is heartbreaking watching him come to grips with the fact that his wife of 36yrs isn't there for him anymore. Her memorial mass is next week, and he's working on a pictorial to display at the mass, and he has cut out all these pictures in the shape of a heart...it just goes to show how much he loved her, I mean, heart-shaped pictures...who expects a man to do that? It makes me so sad for him, being so lost without her.
But yes, there are many of us this year who have lost our moms.....we are all here for each other in a way that no one else could be.
Prayers and hugs to you during this most difficult time.

j_waffles
Posts: 22
Joined: Jun 2010

Jminc,

You're right. Not many can understand. I'm 27 and lost my mom very suddenly to a heart attack in April 2010. She was my biggest supporter in my own battle with cancer, and we were VERY close. In fact, I was with her when she died. A lot of my friends have no idea how to console my pain. There are nights were I randomly burst out sobbing in bed and I have a very heavy heart.

I'm finding my ways of coping, which includes going on with my own life and getting closer to my younger siblings, who still need some life-guidance. People have found my strength through it all to be very encouraging, even though they don't see my bad moments at night. I'm willing to give some of that strength to you, if you want to talk.

Love4Cora
Posts: 7
Joined: Feb 2010

I lost my Ma 2/26/10 at 1:46 p.m. to her 2 year battle with Cervical Cancer. The last time I visited this message board she was in hospice care at home and her body was shutting down. I love my Ma more than I can even express. I couldn't imagine life without her and here I am without her. I'm 34 yrs old and she was 57 yrs old. I hoped to spend old age with her until we were both old ladies. I didn't believe that cancer would take my her from me. But it did.
I have mixed feelings about hospice as well. I mostly didn't like the nurse that was assigned to us. She wasn't sympathetic and oftentimes cold when she visited. The pain meds didn't work well for my Ma. I still remember her crying to me in pain. She was on around the clock morphine, ativan etc. On her last week, she slipped into a coma until the day she passed. For 5 days I watched her when she couldn't talk or move anymore. I stayed up cried and tried to tell her everything I wanted to say including how much I love her. I mostly kissed her as much as I could.
I get so sad I can't pick myself up.

augigi
Posts: 89
Joined: Dec 2009

I can't help much, because I just lost my mum this morning.

Luckily I was with her, and holding her hand when she passed away. After 3 days of struggling to breathe, it was actually a relief that she could rest peacefully.

I feel a bit numb though - I can't believe my mum is really gone. Until diagnosis last year, she's the strongest woman I ever met, and she could do anything. I have a dad and siblings, but I was always a mummy's girl and lived at home until I was 28. I took off work since December to care for her at home and we got to say everything we needed to say.

I just can't imagine life in the future without her holding our family together, without her calling me, and advising me about things.

35 years wasn't enough time. I feel ripped off.

viol3ntviol3t's picture
viol3ntviol3t
Posts: 4
Joined: Aug 2010

I know exactly how you feel. My mom passed away May 6th with penumonia. She had lung cancer, along with spots throughout her body. I was there when she passed also, after struggling to breathe. It was so terrible to see her that way, when I knew what an independent, full of piss and vinegar, full of life. I felt so devastated to know that she finally passed, but it was a relief that she wasn't in pain anymore, she was finally at rest. I think that's one of the only things that holds me together.

I also was VERY numb, and still am to a degree. Just walking around in a daze, thinking how the hell can this be real? I never had a father in my life, or a father figure, so it's been really hard, and I have felt so alone. My boyfriend has never lost anyone, so it's hard for him to understand what I'm going through.

I too can't imagine living the rest of my life without her, it doesn't seem real. One of the hardest things for me is not being able to call her when I'm upset, or need to talk. It's so hard, because she's been all I have for so long.

I'm 29, and it wasn't enough time for me either. Add me for a friend, and please feel free to write. You are NOT alone, dear.

susan smiles
Posts: 12
Joined: Jul 2010

Dear jminc, Hi, I want you to know that, I know exactly how you feel. My heart goes out to you and your loss. I took care of my Grandmother, who was my Mother. She had cared for me all my life, I felt like she was the only person in the world who loved me.
Watching her die from cancer was one of the most painful things I've ever been through.
Are you a Bible reader? It was the only source of comfort for me. Learning about the condition of the dead and the future hope they will have, really helps cope with the intense pain you are going through right now. Jesus compared sleep to death. In John 11:11-45 gives the account of Lazarus, who was a good friend of Jesus, and teaches us the condition the dead are in. I really like verses 33-35, it talks about how Jesus mourned his friends death, and yet he knew that he was going to resurrect him. There are 9 accounts in the Bible where people were resurrected on the earth, all of them were awakened.The Bible talks of the near future, where Billions of people who have died good and bad will come back to life on the earth. How would you feel if you could see your Mom again and hold her?
I can't wait to hold my Grandmother again, to learn all the wonderful recipes and wisdom she died with. This is my favorite verse Revelation 21:4&5 "And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away." "And the one seated on the throne said :Look! I am making all things new, write because these words are faithful and true." I hope this will help bring you some comfort, please let me hear from you. Sincerely Susan

Cameron615
Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2010

My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in the late summer of 2008, right when I had just graduated from law school and was finally ready to start my career and be an adult. As soon as she got sick, I moved back home to help take care of her and now I'm 27, unemployed, and motherless. She died on June 15th, so you have a month on me. I also have a hard time relating to people now...everyone I've talked to has lost their mothers when they were in their 40s or 50s. After helping them plan their weddings, try on wedding dresses, advise them on morning sickness, attended the birth of their grandchildren and been there for a million of life's moments where you need your mother. I won't have mine for any of these. Like you, my mom was my best friend, my great adviser, my link to womanhood and motherhood. I found a book at Barnes and Noble that might help, called "Motherless Daughters" (depressing title, huh?)which addresses the very specific feelings that daughters feel when we lose our moms. The only advice I can give in my limited experience with this is to take as much time as you need to be sad and treat it like a physical trauma too--get lots of sleep, exercise, healthy foods. The night my mother died (she never gave up or acknowledged she was dying either), my grandmother looked at me and said "I'm so sorry this is happening to you now, but you're finally a real adult. A lonely adult." As much as I want my Mom to hold me and tell me everything's going to be ok, I think my grandmother is right. Mom is gone. I am a lonely adult. And it sucks.

Ell_Marie
Posts: 4
Joined: Feb 2010

Though I haven't actually lost her yet, I soon will lose my mother too. The nurses here said it could be within the hour, and based on the site of her and her breathing, I know they are correct. My mom was diagnosed with stage IV melanoma in February, and it has been the fastest deterioration of a mind and body I have ever seen. I have three sisters-- and as much as 35 years feel ripped off, or even 27, we are all even younger. I am 22 (just graduated), my older sister is 24, and my youngest is 19 (she is about to become a college sophomore). My mom was everything to each of us. We were her life -- she devoted everything to us and was the best possible mother I suspect anyone could have. I used to talk to her every single day. For the past four months, she has already felt as though she has mentally passed away. I revisit voicemails from December and January, hear her angelic voice rambling on about motherly things that somehow annoyed me at the time (what I'd give to have just one of those voicemails now), think about how absurdly healthy she was all her life, and wonder how some evil sickness could transform her into how she is now...and soon, take her life. I know there are no answers to the inevitable and endless questions that I have about this, or the anger and unfairness I feel. But I suppose we can all take comfort in the fact that my mother, and all of our mothers, can rest in peace now. And soon, when we are ready, we will be able to celebrate the wonderful lives they lived--and the lives they gave us. We will be with them again someday, and though I won't have a physical mother with me at my wedding, when I have my first child (all she wanted was grandchildren), and the countless other milestones where I/we will surely feel an enourmous void, we can perhaps find solice in knowing that a mother's love never ever leaves you....and she will be with you always, loving you always, and you yourself carry on her legacy. Peace and love to you all.

Love4Cora
Posts: 7
Joined: Feb 2010

I've been doing ok the past couple of weeks. My days were going along and I had some laughter in between. But then I the 26th day of the month came and it hit me my mom passed away 5 months. It feels like it's been 5 years as the pain in my heart is hard to describe. So I'm reaching out to all of you and in hopes that we find some comfort in our stories. My mom was in a coma for 5 days before she passed and I still keep thinking about the last time she was able to tell my borther & I she loved us. She could barely talk and breathe but she still managed to give us the softest kiss in our foreheads.
I also think about how I'm 34 and still have the rest of my life to live withour her. How can this be? She was just here a few months ago.
My mom was my best friends to we were really close in age so we did everything together. She was only 57 when she passed, Even going to the mall makes me sad. That was our favorite thing to do was shop.
The hardest part of all is forgetting her cancer battle. I took all of February off from work to take care of her when she was sent to hospice. The cancer had spread all over her lungs and she struggled to breathe. I still remember her slouched over the hospital bed fighting to breathe.
She is and always be my angel.

How are we all going to do this? Live without our moms. She was my life and reason. Now I have to look for a different meaning to life.

Much love to all of you. Thanks for sharing.

makeupgrl28
Posts: 1
Joined: Aug 2010

I am very sorry about your mom. I lost mine 2 months ago to cervical cancer. I know how you feel about people thinking you should just go on. it's not that easy. My dad is still living, but i lost my brother 13 yrs ago. now i am the only child my dad has left. my husband dosen't understand how i feel. i am 28yrs old. I have 2 children. It was very hard to explain this to 2 little kids. my mom was diagnosed in Jan. of this year and passed away june 1st of the same. I took care of her day and night for 5 mths. when you watch someone youlove in that kind of pain, it is not easy to just go on. My mom is all i can think about. I understand completely how you feel. I know that we don't know eachother, but if you want to talk I would like that.

Love4Cora
Posts: 7
Joined: Feb 2010

I'm having one of those nights where my sadness hits me like a freight train. So I decided to log on and was very glad to read your response. I will be 35 yrs old this month. I have a brother as well and he's a year younger than me. I can't even imagine not having him too. My mom was my life. We were the closest as can be. She is my heart and soul. I try to rememmber our life before cancer but all I think about is her struggle. The times when she was in hospice and I got mad at her for not being able to walk. I though she stopped fighting but now I realize she just couldn't anymore and that she was dying. My mom was in a coma for a week before she passed and I cried and mustve kissed her a million times.

Yes my mom is all I think about too. My email is symph875@yahoo.com, I would very much like to talk. Since we share similar pain maybe we can help each other.

My pain covers my entire being and realizing she's gone. I have to live the rest of my life without her and that what scares me the most. How are we suppose to do this?

ydeluis01
Posts: 9
Joined: Jul 2010

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my mom to a very short battle with lung and cervical cancer. My mom and I used to have saturday as our girls day. We would go shoppig and have lunch just the two of us every saturday. She Lived with me and my husband and i still can't bear to go in her room for long periods of time. I still catch myself picking up the phone to call her while i am at work to tell her something and then i remember she isn't here with us. I hope this emptiness in my heart starts to heal a little soon. I miss her more and more each day and wonder if I will ever understand why god took her soooo soon but I know that he felt it was her time to go with him and I know that she is with my dad now. I lost my dad to lung cancer almost6 year ago. I am sorry for your loss as well. I will keep you in my prayers.

Tina

eagleswing
Posts: 1
Joined: Sep 2010

Hi jminc,
My prayers go out for you. I am sorry for your loss. You are very young to be without your mom. I was 29 when I lost my mom. She was my best friend too. She was the glue that held our family together. No one loves you like your mother. I thank God for the wonderful mother He gave me for those years. My email is eagleswingsis40@hotmail.com
I still miss her and it's been 19 years. I missed her love and wisdom when I was raising my kids. The one good thing that came out of the pain of her loss was that, when the foundation was yanked out from under me, I came to the end of myself and to the beginning of God. I started reading the Bible, joined a Bible Study and sought truth and answers. Within a year I recieved Jesus as my Savior. So, in a round about way, my mom led me to the Lord. Kind of funny, because I had an amazing experience at her grave sight shortly after her death. I was pouring out my troubles with my stepdad to her, it was a cloudy, windy day. When I cried out for wisdom the clouds immediately seperated, the sun came out, and I felt like she was saying, "I gave you God." email me if you have ???.
Hard things in life also change your perspective. They help you see the big picture. Make you take life a little more seriously. The year my mom died, life was like a soap opera so I stopped wasting my time watching them. I realized life is short so I decided to homeschool my kids so I could have more time to enjoy them. I taught them God's truth and kept out lots of junk that competes, in our world, to replace truth.

cubzz17
Posts: 1
Joined: Jan 2011

I lost my mom to spinal cord cancer in May 0f 2001. To this day I still miss her so much it hurts. I've had relatives and friends keep telling me that it'll be ok, with time the pain of her being gone won't hurt as much. Well, I hate to say this but the pain is still here and I miss my mom more now than ever. It still hurts to talk about my mom, I still get tears in my eyes when a conversation is about here. She was strong and she wasn't afraid of dying, the only request she had was that she wanted to pass away at home, so that's what my dad and I did-we brought her home. Between me and the Hospice nurses we took care of my mom until her final days. I have so much guilt over her passing away, see I had stage four Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma and I barely made it through that and my mom was with me every step of the way, I had started to notice once I got better that my mom didn't look to well herself. I think she knew that she was sick but didn't want to go to a doctor in case I got sick and needed her again. I got better she got worse, I was the one at her bedside who told her it was ok that I'm ok and that she can let go now. That was the most painful thing that I've ever had to do. I'd give almost anything to see my mom again or even better to have her back.

nstar
Posts: 1
Joined: Apr 2011

Greetings

My sincere condolences about your loss. I can relate to you completely. My father passed away in 1999, when I was 11. My mother died in December 2010 from ovarian cancer. I feel lost, confused and dejected. I have an older sister (who is 25), but I do not get along with her at all.
I know exactly how you feel.
I would like to listen to your woes. In that way, it is therapeutic for me too, as I am going through a similar situation.

tanker sgv's picture
tanker sgv
Posts: 128
Joined: Nov 2010

Nstar, ur story has hit home with me. I lost my dad in 9/18/98 & my mom on 11/19/10. I'm 27 and my whole world is upside down. Glad to see u found this place with that said sorry u had to find this place. Feel free to ask me anything of just to vent. It is so hard not to have parents to seek guidence from. Not sure what else to say because our situations are so similar

DaughterDearest's picture
DaughterDearest
Posts: 22
Joined: Dec 2010

Unfortunately, I too can relate to everyone here.

I lost my mom to cancer in 2003 (I was 19). And now in May of 2010, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. Almost a year later and he's NOT doing well...so I know I'm going to lose my father soon, too. :-(

I was best friends with my mom. Losing her was absolutely devastating. I'm close to my father, as well, so this is Hell all over again.

Like someone else here said, I FEEL RIPPED OFF!! I only had 19 years with my mother, and 27 years with my father. WHAT? WHY?? I know people in their 50's who still have both parents! This just isn't fair! This stupid cancer crap has just torn my happy family apart. We WERE happy, gosh darnit!! :-(

My parents aren't going to be there for my wedding. They're not going to be there to see their grandchildren... :-(

UGH, I HATE YOU, CANCER!! HATE! HATE! HATE!! UGH!!

Sorry guys, I'm just so angry at cancer. It has taken all of my grandparents, aunts, uncles, my mother...and now soon-to-be my father...

Mind you, with all the bad, I do have to look at the good in my life, too. I have a wonderful brother, an extremely loving and supportive boyfriend, caring and supportive friends/co-workers...

Life will go on and I will eventually find a new "normal". Just have to keep on truckin'.

I had such a wonderful family and it has completely ripped us apart. :-(

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