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Tired of trying to stay one step ahead of the monster

luckyducky9752's picture
luckyducky9752
Posts: 1
Joined: May 2010

HI All,

I know that most of you have really been through worse. I probably seem like a whiner.

My back ground is that I am 57, and my youngest is 30 now.

My family of origin's leading cause of death is cancer. My parents both but most importantly, my mother worked in X-ray when she became pregnant with me and through my first trimester.

It was discovered that I have unexplained hemataurea at 19 and was told I probably shouldn't marry or have children because I would likely die of kidney cancer. (didn't happen, although they (drs) still go into panic mode when they see that I always do have blood in the urine.

I had 2 cervical pre-malignant tumors that although required 3 mo paps for a long time never came back.

Soon after my youngest was born I went for treatment of hemorrhoids and they found polyps. Both of my aunts died from colon cancer since then. So I have had colonoscopy's often depending on how many polyps they find. Last time there ware 2 aggressive but pre malignant. This type had recently been reclassified and no protocol established for resect, so not done. Was supposed to follow up 1 year later.

About a year and a half ago I had severe pain and went to the ER where they determined that it was my gall bladder appeared to be full of small stones and the wall calcified. Long story short when I had the surgery it no stones, super concentrated bile and the surgeon said histology, on a scale where over 5 is malignant, it was 5. Gall bladder cancer is extremely rare and fatal. Got behind on colonoscopy due to this surgery. The surgery for that was last August. My primary has been watching my thyroid due to appearance of nodules. My urine showed macro blood in the urine and sent me to urologist and there were 2 pylops that were advanced enough that he sent a frozen section to pathology. But no cancer. Going for follow up on that next week.

The radiologist spent close to an hour on my thyroid ultra sound and it was purple for a week after but have not followed up with my primary on that. People with thyroid cancer die from other causes?

Trying to decide between drs for one at UTSW Dallas and one here coloscopy this week and...bleeding

I am so tired of running from this and just feel like giving up.

I have stage 3 Parkinson's, diabetes and go to a counselor regularly,

Thank you for listening. Is there any one else like me here?

AnnaLeigh's picture
AnnaLeigh
Posts: 177
Joined: Jan 2010

I don't think anyone on this board would consider you a whiner. You have a right to your feelings and after all of the years, procedures, and the complicated diagnosis you have been through, there always comes a time when people are exhausted and tired of trying to unravel their health problems.

While I am a caregiver to my husband, and have not had to face this problem myself, I do experience all of the emotions right along with my loved one. We try to take each problem one-at-a-time so as not to get overwhelmed by the whole ordeal. We certainly have had times when the "whole picture" was just too much to endure and had to back up and remember to only think about the current problem of the day or only address the current problem of that afternoon. Sometimes we even break down the problems by the hour !!

You have faced many health problems in your life and I am sure you will eventually ride this dilemma out, with time, until you feel you can go on to face treatment again. Do you have any activities that you love to do that will offer some relief from the constant thoughts about your health? Getting a little breathing room and clearing your head with other activities may put a fresh face and attitude to the situation. Too much concentration on what is going wrong muddles our brain and does not allow new thoughts, solutions or attitudes.

We wish you peace in what ever you decide and what ever comes your way.

Hondo's picture
Hondo
Posts: 5736
Joined: Apr 2009

Never give up hope, I too have had a hard time but mine is with NPC cancer coming back three times, I like you am tired and fell like giving up sometimes. But then I see the face of my grandchildren and my Wife and say hell no I am not giving up, they need me too much. There are many in your family who need you too, so don’t give up keep fighting and what ever the outcome at lease you will know you did all you could do.

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