Emotional support needed
Comments
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Welcome Ellie
Hi Ellie
Well, this forum is certainly good at trying to help out folks who are affected by Cancer.
Once you get some more information about your mom's cancer, you can post any questions that you have and we'll try to help you walk through it and give you some ideas on what you might expect or experience.
And I think that it's just WONDERFUL that you've reconnected with your family and are building relationships after so many years apart. Having a close knit family in your life is something that anyone wants - and it's better late than never - so happy for all of you guys.
Support from some people in your family might be difficult - they have no experience or just do not how to express their feelings and give you what you really need right now. The only advice that I can offer is just to take everyone at face value and try not to be too mad at them. I’ve found that some folks can only give what they can, and others cannot.
I’ve been down this path, so I do understand what you are saying.
A lot of times I’ve found that at first, people are “there” for you, but if the situation is not cleared up in a timely manner “for them”, then they become less supportive. It just seems that this is human nature.
You can always come here and talk with all of us – we’ve been down the cancer path and all that comes with it, as both patients and caregivers. We recognize that it’s not an easy road to walk down, but here in the community, you will certainly not walk alone.
This place provides a different type of comfort that is different than any other place you’ve been. The people here provide the difference and are familiar with what you are experiencing and this can definitely help you negotiate your journey and help to lighten your load.
Many folks here have successfully fought cancer and are living longer lives with the available medicines and treatments available. Don’t give up hope for your mom. When you gather more information about what the doctor’s plans are, you can post those and we’ll try to see how we can help you.
-Craig0 -
Hello
Welcome to the board. Ask away when you have more information on Mom. Don't worry about terminology, we will know what you are talking about. We were all once in the same position, not know what was what. I am the caregiver for my husband who is Stage IV. Your emotions are all over the place right now, we have all been in that spot at one time. Take a deep breath. Come back and let us know of any treatment plan and you will get responses on our experiences.
There is also a discussion board called "Emotional Support" if you are in need.
Take care - Tina0 -
Hi
Hi, Ellie.
Welcome to the board! I'm so sorry about your mom. I know it's a tough thing to deal with. I'm glad that you've gotten closer, because that's what family is all about.
I'm sorry that you are feeling a lack of support. People really do react to these things in different ways.
Please come by as often as you need a hug, an answer, or just someone who will listen.
*hugs*
Gail0 -
Welcome
This is a good place to come and vent and get some support. But you might also want to consider talking to clergy, a therapist, or finding a cancer support group in your area too.
I am very happy to hear your family has become close before your mother had to deal with this. She is lucky to have your support now, rather than going through this alone.0 -
Something in your post
Something in your post compelled me to respond (with my first post on this site). I spent an hour typing up a truly fantastic message(big smile) and then pressed a button to post it and......it's gone. So, here's a second try and I'm just gonna "think out loud".
My dad is 56 and has been fighting cancer (colorectal, mets to lungs and pelvic area) for almost 7 years.
I don't think it matters how old a parent (or child) is; Parents are supposed to lead us through life, fight the "monsters", and provide support. My dad (and caregiver mom) can't do that anymore because they need to focus on him. Since my dad's diagnosis, I find myself scared, vulnerable and needy of that support from other people. I truly don't know if it's harder on him or me that our "roles" have changed.
It wouldn't matter if my dad were 110 years old, I never want him to not be part of my life. It doesn't matter if he's lead a good life or a bad life. Him being sick makes me face the reality that someday he won't be here physically, whether it's because of cancer or something else, and that makes me sad. In fact, it really stinks!
I am truly blessed in that I have great support from my family and friends. However, you are so right that unless someone has been through it, they don't understand. At first, my friends/family were calling and saying "Let me know what I can do". Then they sat back and waiting for me to tell them what I needed because they didn't know what to do. Everyone needs and wants different things for support. Even what I need changes over time, sometimes on a daily basis.
I had to learn to ask for specifically what I needed. Sometimes I might say to my husband or friend "I can't talk about it right now, but let's watch a funny movie together." Or I say "I need to talk about everything, but I don't want advice or analysis. Just listen and nod your head". Other times I say, "I am going to go in the bedroom and cry for about 30 minutes, and then I'll come out and I want everyone to carry on as if it never happened". It's important you get the support you need so you can be there to help your mom.
So, my advise is tell others specifically what you need and encourage them to do the same. It takes away the guesswork that can drain energy and lead to people feeling alone when they truly aren't.
And...typing this post was very theraputic for me too, so joining a site like this is a great start! Good luck and treasure each day of the renewed relationship you've created with your family.
-D0 -
thank you for your postdrookID said:Something in your post
Something in your post compelled me to respond (with my first post on this site). I spent an hour typing up a truly fantastic message(big smile) and then pressed a button to post it and......it's gone. So, here's a second try and I'm just gonna "think out loud".
My dad is 56 and has been fighting cancer (colorectal, mets to lungs and pelvic area) for almost 7 years.
I don't think it matters how old a parent (or child) is; Parents are supposed to lead us through life, fight the "monsters", and provide support. My dad (and caregiver mom) can't do that anymore because they need to focus on him. Since my dad's diagnosis, I find myself scared, vulnerable and needy of that support from other people. I truly don't know if it's harder on him or me that our "roles" have changed.
It wouldn't matter if my dad were 110 years old, I never want him to not be part of my life. It doesn't matter if he's lead a good life or a bad life. Him being sick makes me face the reality that someday he won't be here physically, whether it's because of cancer or something else, and that makes me sad. In fact, it really stinks!
I am truly blessed in that I have great support from my family and friends. However, you are so right that unless someone has been through it, they don't understand. At first, my friends/family were calling and saying "Let me know what I can do". Then they sat back and waiting for me to tell them what I needed because they didn't know what to do. Everyone needs and wants different things for support. Even what I need changes over time, sometimes on a daily basis.
I had to learn to ask for specifically what I needed. Sometimes I might say to my husband or friend "I can't talk about it right now, but let's watch a funny movie together." Or I say "I need to talk about everything, but I don't want advice or analysis. Just listen and nod your head". Other times I say, "I am going to go in the bedroom and cry for about 30 minutes, and then I'll come out and I want everyone to carry on as if it never happened". It's important you get the support you need so you can be there to help your mom.
So, my advise is tell others specifically what you need and encourage them to do the same. It takes away the guesswork that can drain energy and lead to people feeling alone when they truly aren't.
And...typing this post was very theraputic for me too, so joining a site like this is a great start! Good luck and treasure each day of the renewed relationship you've created with your family.
-D
This really touched me. "I had to learn to ask for specifically what I needed. Sometimes I might say to my husband or friend "I can't talk about it right now, but let's watch a funny movie together." Or I say "I need to talk about everything, but I don't want advice or analysis. Just listen and nod your head". Other times I say, "I am going to go in the bedroom and cry for about 30 minutes, and then I'll come out and I want everyone to carry on as if it never happened". It's important you get the support you need so you can be there to help your mom. " I'm going to try and remember those when I need something in the future!
mary0 -
This comment has been removed by the ModeratordrookID said:Something in your post
Something in your post compelled me to respond (with my first post on this site). I spent an hour typing up a truly fantastic message(big smile) and then pressed a button to post it and......it's gone. So, here's a second try and I'm just gonna "think out loud".
My dad is 56 and has been fighting cancer (colorectal, mets to lungs and pelvic area) for almost 7 years.
I don't think it matters how old a parent (or child) is; Parents are supposed to lead us through life, fight the "monsters", and provide support. My dad (and caregiver mom) can't do that anymore because they need to focus on him. Since my dad's diagnosis, I find myself scared, vulnerable and needy of that support from other people. I truly don't know if it's harder on him or me that our "roles" have changed.
It wouldn't matter if my dad were 110 years old, I never want him to not be part of my life. It doesn't matter if he's lead a good life or a bad life. Him being sick makes me face the reality that someday he won't be here physically, whether it's because of cancer or something else, and that makes me sad. In fact, it really stinks!
I am truly blessed in that I have great support from my family and friends. However, you are so right that unless someone has been through it, they don't understand. At first, my friends/family were calling and saying "Let me know what I can do". Then they sat back and waiting for me to tell them what I needed because they didn't know what to do. Everyone needs and wants different things for support. Even what I need changes over time, sometimes on a daily basis.
I had to learn to ask for specifically what I needed. Sometimes I might say to my husband or friend "I can't talk about it right now, but let's watch a funny movie together." Or I say "I need to talk about everything, but I don't want advice or analysis. Just listen and nod your head". Other times I say, "I am going to go in the bedroom and cry for about 30 minutes, and then I'll come out and I want everyone to carry on as if it never happened". It's important you get the support you need so you can be there to help your mom.
So, my advise is tell others specifically what you need and encourage them to do the same. It takes away the guesswork that can drain energy and lead to people feeling alone when they truly aren't.
And...typing this post was very theraputic for me too, so joining a site like this is a great start! Good luck and treasure each day of the renewed relationship you've created with your family.
-D0 -
Welcome drooklD! I am gladdrookID said:I work in IT, so I should
I work in IT, so I should know better. Guess we all need "reminders" from time to time. LOL.
Welcome drooklD! I am glad you had the patience to re-type your message, I found it very insightful. I have found that many people want to help us, but the most helpful ones to me are those that offer something specific - can I bring you dinner, drive you for treatment, help in your yard, etc. I have always found it hard asking for help. Good for you for letting people know what you need. Take good care!0 -
Thank youSundanceh said:Welcome Ellie
Hi Ellie
Well, this forum is certainly good at trying to help out folks who are affected by Cancer.
Once you get some more information about your mom's cancer, you can post any questions that you have and we'll try to help you walk through it and give you some ideas on what you might expect or experience.
And I think that it's just WONDERFUL that you've reconnected with your family and are building relationships after so many years apart. Having a close knit family in your life is something that anyone wants - and it's better late than never - so happy for all of you guys.
Support from some people in your family might be difficult - they have no experience or just do not how to express their feelings and give you what you really need right now. The only advice that I can offer is just to take everyone at face value and try not to be too mad at them. I’ve found that some folks can only give what they can, and others cannot.
I’ve been down this path, so I do understand what you are saying.
A lot of times I’ve found that at first, people are “there” for you, but if the situation is not cleared up in a timely manner “for them”, then they become less supportive. It just seems that this is human nature.
You can always come here and talk with all of us – we’ve been down the cancer path and all that comes with it, as both patients and caregivers. We recognize that it’s not an easy road to walk down, but here in the community, you will certainly not walk alone.
This place provides a different type of comfort that is different than any other place you’ve been. The people here provide the difference and are familiar with what you are experiencing and this can definitely help you negotiate your journey and help to lighten your load.
Many folks here have successfully fought cancer and are living longer lives with the available medicines and treatments available. Don’t give up hope for your mom. When you gather more information about what the doctor’s plans are, you can post those and we’ll try to see how we can help you.
-Craig
Thank you for your reply. I was afraid that no one would. I have a part of me that when I ask for help that I am being selfish.I'm not good with expressing myself .Called my mom this morning, she doing ok. Sometimes I worry about my dad. Retired buisinessman, 83 also, always had life under control and when it wasn't , he would just take charge. He and mom have been married 61 yrs known each other since high school. He's the one who had bad health, so he had everything prepared, we all thought he'd be the one in trouble. This has really sent him for a loop. In real critical situations he can't make decidsions.It's heart breaking to see him going through such pain.I've always been a Daddy's girl so I'm no help, thank God for my sister. I just help by listening to his stories,Days I'm there I take over moms care, so he can take a bresk and do other things. I appreciate all the times we have together because I know we're making memories.Every day is a good one. Keep in touch and I hope all with you is good.0 -
Straight up advicedrookID said:Something in your post
Something in your post compelled me to respond (with my first post on this site). I spent an hour typing up a truly fantastic message(big smile) and then pressed a button to post it and......it's gone. So, here's a second try and I'm just gonna "think out loud".
My dad is 56 and has been fighting cancer (colorectal, mets to lungs and pelvic area) for almost 7 years.
I don't think it matters how old a parent (or child) is; Parents are supposed to lead us through life, fight the "monsters", and provide support. My dad (and caregiver mom) can't do that anymore because they need to focus on him. Since my dad's diagnosis, I find myself scared, vulnerable and needy of that support from other people. I truly don't know if it's harder on him or me that our "roles" have changed.
It wouldn't matter if my dad were 110 years old, I never want him to not be part of my life. It doesn't matter if he's lead a good life or a bad life. Him being sick makes me face the reality that someday he won't be here physically, whether it's because of cancer or something else, and that makes me sad. In fact, it really stinks!
I am truly blessed in that I have great support from my family and friends. However, you are so right that unless someone has been through it, they don't understand. At first, my friends/family were calling and saying "Let me know what I can do". Then they sat back and waiting for me to tell them what I needed because they didn't know what to do. Everyone needs and wants different things for support. Even what I need changes over time, sometimes on a daily basis.
I had to learn to ask for specifically what I needed. Sometimes I might say to my husband or friend "I can't talk about it right now, but let's watch a funny movie together." Or I say "I need to talk about everything, but I don't want advice or analysis. Just listen and nod your head". Other times I say, "I am going to go in the bedroom and cry for about 30 minutes, and then I'll come out and I want everyone to carry on as if it never happened". It's important you get the support you need so you can be there to help your mom.
So, my advise is tell others specifically what you need and encourage them to do the same. It takes away the guesswork that can drain energy and lead to people feeling alone when they truly aren't.
And...typing this post was very theraputic for me too, so joining a site like this is a great start! Good luck and treasure each day of the renewed relationship you've created with your family.
-D
I to am not computer literate. I liked what you said about being up front on what you need from people around you. Have you always like that or is it something that came out of your situation? IT's true about wondering who it's harder on when roles have changed. I think right now it's harder for mom. I find a sense of myself being there for her. I really don't mind taking care of her and dad. Better to be there to help than know about problems and not bbe able to do anything. At least I don't feel totally helpless. Yes it really does stink! I think on the whole that it's just not the cancer but that because of age that even if she wins .sooner or later I'm still going to lose. You sound like such a strong person, I thank you for your support and I am looking forward to having more conversations with you.0 -
THank youKathryn_in_MN said:Welcome
This is a good place to come and vent and get some support. But you might also want to consider talking to clergy, a therapist, or finding a cancer support group in your area too.
I am very happy to hear your family has become close before your mother had to deal with this. She is lucky to have your support now, rather than going through this alone.
Everyones response means so much. Makes you not feel so alone. MY clergy is aware of my mom.I wish I could find a group in my area but as of now none exsists. Im hoping that being able to vent will take the pressure off of me and in return will take it off the people around me. As hard as it can get at times mom and dad will never go through it alone. And I truley feel blessed to beable to be there. You responded to me and I am most grateful, but I wonder how you can do so and not being asking for in return.0 -
gracie2010unknown said:This comment has been removed by the Moderator
It has helped already in so many ways. Righr now we are in a holding pattern. Mom will see doctor in 6 months. Nothing right now can be done. Just watching her numbers. The reaction she had fron chemo shut down her respirtory system. Mom used to smoke about 40 yrs. ago and she always had lung problems. One problem we have is mom is a retired nurse, so she only lets us talk to doctor so much. Not sure if it's to not worry us or if she's trying to protect dad. I think there is a small spot of self denial. What she doesn't know she wont have to deal with.0 -
Thank youEltina21 said:Support
Hi Ellie,
My prayers are with you and your family. I am new to this site as well and I have found wonderful support. I am sure that you will too.
Peace and Blessings,
Karen
Thank you for your prayers. Yes I have found wonderful support. If I can help you in return , just ask. Funny, the only thing I pray for , for myself is PEACE OF HEART. I pray you find the same.0 -
THank youkarguy said:Welcome
Welcome,and I'm sorry that your mom has cancer.Feel free to ask questions as soon as you get more information about your mothers situation.meanwhile I'll pray for her,and you.
Thank you for your prayers. Right now we are in a lets just see pattern. She sees doctor in Oct. Says right now nothing to do. Just watching her numbers. She is just under the care of her family dr. Now she has to see cardiologist on Tues. Something they saw when she was doing theraphy. She's never been sick like this in her life, now I guess it's pay back time. Thank you again for your prayers.0
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