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So glad I found this discussion

panks
Posts: 36
Joined: Feb 2010

Was just siting here thinking I needed to quit posting on caregivers because I lost him in March, and really hated the thought of it, the sight has been such a blessing for me.My role in life has changed now and I am my own caregiver and I really am not liking it much. Even though Dale was sick I always felt better knowing he was here to talk to about the important decisions, and now it is all on me, I feel so lost, and kind of angry at the world right now,I feel overwhelmed at all the decisions I have had to make so fast without having the time to just sit and grieve. I'm still in the stage where I let the phone calls go to voicemail just so I can hear his voice.Please someone tell me it gets better then this.

Panks

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

I have continued to post on the caregiver post hoping that I might make things a little easier for others. In doing that, I help myself, too. I can't tell you it gets better. I do think it has gotten a little easier for me. I still am finding my way. I find making decisions a little easier. I am still lonely even in a group. I think we have to accept that grieving will take time. Doug and I knew each other for 45 years and were married for 42. He will always be a part of my life. I wouldn't want it any other way. Adjusting to life without him here is not going to happen quickly. I didn't plan for this. I will be ok, though, and so will you. Hang in there. Fay

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Panks,
Thanks for adding me to your friends list! You and I are in the same boat girlfriend. It has been a hard 2 months for me, mom, and my brother. I do my best to lean on our Lord. I give it all up to him. I have a very strong faith, I am the "rock" of our family. I have to minister to my family daily. I know dad is in a better place. I am thrilled that he is no longer suffering or in pain. I look forward to the ressurection and to seeing him again. I told you before Dale and Ray (my dad) are having a blast, trading nascar stories, trading cancer stories, boasting about how wonderful it was to be married to their wives for so many years. Mom and Dad celebrated 51 years on January 24th. We will see them again, and we will all live together in eternity. Jesus has made that promise to those of us who are saved and believe in him! God Bless you through this long journey of grieving and mourning. Come on, we can do it together. Hugs to you.
Tina

panks
Posts: 36
Joined: Feb 2010

Funny Tina that you would call yourself the rock. That was what Dale kept saying about me. I heard him say so many times that panks is my rock. Panks isnt just my screen name, it is my nickname. It is two months today that I lost him, and honestly I'm still trying to find a little bit of peace in this world without him.

Panks

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

It will be seven months for me tomorrow. Doug was my rock for 42 years. We don't move on from that easily or quickly. I do feel some peace, but I still feel lonely like I am missing a part of me. I will try to stay busy tomorrow. I have a massage in the morning and will work helping to set up our church rummage sale in the afternoon. That seems to be the key for me. I am trying to get more structure in my life. We will find our way. One step at a time. Fay

panks
Posts: 36
Joined: Feb 2010

Fay,

I hope you dont mind I added you to my friend list.I have so many family and friends to support me here and I love them dearly, but there are so many times I feel like as much as they love me they just cant understand what I am going through, even though they really do try. Sometimes you just need someone that knows the pain you are going through.. I really hope you managed to get through the day today. I truly know that no matter how busy you kept yourself today tonight you will cry.

Panks

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

My massage therapist who is a good friend and a cancer survivor told me I seemed a little down this morning. All I had to say was, "It's the 20th. Seven months. " Neither of us could get our minds around that. It really doesn't seem like that long. I got through the day pretty well, though. Our younger son emailed me to see how I was doing first thing this morning. I, too, have a lot of support, but you're right. Only a few who have been through losing their husbands understand. Sadly, a number of us are in our church. They have been helpful in assuring me that my feeling are normal.
I appreciate you adding me to your friends list. We are all in this together. This board helps us all. Fay

mdnikki
Posts: 34
Joined: Apr 2010

I lost my mom May 8th but was still posting on the other caregivers and emotional support boards. I didn't realize this board was here. Geez, now I am wondering if I should move my posts. I suppose they won't be encouraging to those still in the battle.
Glad to find this place...

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1154
Joined: May 2008

a little easyer i am 1 yr and 1 month into this journey. But i cry almost every day at times and then other times i am ok. I know it has been rough for me to be alone and make it on my own but we can do this we have no other choice but to go on the pain is there always . I still don't know what to do sometimes but i seem to manage somehow i love this board and i have been on the colon cancer site alot when angel got sick. but things have changed alittle .I am thankful for all my responses it means alot that i am not alone in having lost a loved one. and we are all dealing with the same stuff just different times.

take care

michelle

panks
Posts: 36
Joined: Feb 2010

Its only been two months since I lost Dale and it hasnt gotten any easier for me yet. But i am functioning. I put the house up for sale and got a contract in 5 days. I have way to many emotions right now, Im excited that I wont have this really large mortgage and electric bill, and 2 acres of land to keep up with and at the same time I feel like Im leaving another part of him behind in the past.. I miss him so bad. He was my guiding light, and now I am navagating life on my own, he always said I was a strong woman, and I think I am finally learning that he was right, because we do what we have to do, and as previous caregivers we always did and just didnt realize at the time just what strong people we were, we just always thought we were just doing what had to be done..I am so glad that I found all of you, I just wish it had been under better circumstances.

Panks

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

I am still posting on the caregiver and emotional boards as well. We can offer insight and ask for support there as well as here. We're not limited to just one board. This one doesn't get as much traffic as I would like, but we do learn from and support each other. Welcome, Fay

SamsWife
Posts: 51
Joined: Sep 2007

Hi~

I'm finding that I too tend to gravitate to these discussion boards - I havent' posted much because my situation is different from most people here and I find that I just don't know what to say - actually - I do know what I want to share about my husband (he passed away March 1) but none of it is very nice. Some of you have read my posts and are familiar with my situation. I guess I just wanted to share my thoughts as I read this thread.

I was just feeling that I wish I could grieve for my husband - that's just one more thing he took away from me and my kids - he really neglected us emotionally and mentally when he was alive and, despite that, we were still here for him. We hurt for him and we loved him through his illness, cared for him, etc. etc. As time goes by, we just find out more and more how much he truly never valued or appreciated us. It's a very strange and empty feeling (and creepy I might add) knowing that the man I spent half my life with and tried to build a family with - I really never knew him - our whole marriage was a lie. Our friends and everyone just feel so betrayed by him - the only person that really has any good feelings for him is his mother. She doesn't know all of the things that have become known about Sam - it would just hurt her too much. It's very difficult for us to be with her because we can't really have a genuine realtionship with her because she doesn't know the truth. She constantly comments on what a good man he was, and how much he loved us and wanted to be with us. It's such a long, bazaar story, it would just go on and one here. He, in every sense of the word, was a psychopath. I always knew he wasn't a very nice person but I truly never suspected the depth of the things he did and the person he truly was. Very creepy.

Anyway ~ I just wanted to say that I think the level of grieving that you all are experiencing is a truly beautiful thing - I know that sounds really strange - but it's indicative of the relationship and the love you shared with your loved ones that have passed. Please forgive me for sounding insensitive - I'm truly not - I know you're hurting and that's not beautiful - but the love you shared is. That's what life is about. My kids and I just feel empty when we think of Sam. I wish he could have loved us enough for us to miss it. I do tell the kids that if they feel that they had some genuine moments with him to hang on to those - I'm sure they were real. The doctor has told us that there truly are very few 100% evil people in the world.

I wish you all peace and comfort through these hard times.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

SamsWife, I do understand what you are saying. I feel so very blessed to have found Doug fairly early in my life. I won't say we had a perfect marriage. I will say we had a wonderful marriage and friendship. The last six years were especially bitter sweat. We grew even closer. I even told him toward the end when he told me he was sorry for putting me through his dying, that losing him wouldn't be so hard if he had been an s.o.b. Yes, grieving is hard, but loving him was the best thing that ever happened to me. We built a wonderful life and family together. I am sorry that you didn't have that.

You and your family are grieving. We grieve over many different things. You are grieving for the husband you wished you had. Your children are also grieving for what they missed in a father. You don't have to grieve for the man himself. You, too, are dealing with a new normal and a new understanding of your life going forward. I hope the members of your family who are having difficulty dealing with this are getting the help they might need. Grief counseling might be very helpful. Please take care of yourself. Fay

SamsWife
Posts: 51
Joined: Sep 2007

Hi Grandmafay,

You're exactly right - we most definitely are grieving for the husband and father we missed out on having. The kids are really doing fine - which I think is an indication of the lack of relationship between them and Sam. We've known how to live without him for a very long time. They've all expressed that although they're sorry that he suffered and died, we're a much happier family without him. Sad but true. I think I'm just still in shock sometimes - sometimes I just can't believe all that we've been through!

Anyway - thank you for your kind comments and it warms my heart to think of the relationship you and your husband shared - stories like yours restore my faith in marriage! I really want to have a good marriage some day - I'm going to keep hoping that some day I'll get to experience that - just someone to wake up with and simply enjoy the day and each other.

Lots of love,
Tina

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