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One Week gone by...

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Today is one week since my Best Friend left me....and today I begin my offical transition to being alone with myself and our memories.
Today Bills daughter is going home...she does not want to and neither do I..she is concerned about me and so am I.
But truth be told....I am now craving some time to be alone with my thoughts...I need to start to get to know me....without the Cancer in my world.
I am starting with a Hospice berevement group on Monday...so thats a good thing.
I have pondered several choices about my future because I am scared to be alone right now...and the weirdest thing happened when I pondered about asking Bills daughter and her children to move in with me....I actually felt him telling me not to do it....to just give myself time to re-adjust and establish a new normal...he knew me so well that he knew a different living arrangment simply would not work for me.
I need to stay here in our home....and start a new life...memories will never leave my soul.
I have gone though a whole laundry list of "shoulda's and what if's" replayed the whole horrific story to see if there was anything different I could have done to alter the ending....I simply don't think there is anything...guess its just natural to think about it though.
Guessing all I need now is just time to heal...can't turn off 34 yrs in a blink of an eye...
Pat

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Pat,
Glad to see you posting. I know the feeling. Every 9th of the month, I think it has now been x amount of days since dad has passed. All of these feelings of being alone, being scared are normal. My mom is going through the same feelings. She was married to dad for 51 years! She says the nights are the hardest. No, there is not way you could have done anything different. You did all that you could do. You did all the right things. The best thing you did was get his family together to see him on his last day. We all go through that though. Mom and I do too. My dad had told us as soon as he got mets to his liver that he was ready to go. It was his time. He knew. Now we know. The idea of having your daughter move in with you sounds real good to me. Sounds like you both need eachother. Hang in there, it has only been a little over a month for us, but it does get easier. Let us know how you are making out.
Tina

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

It is so hard. For me it is the 20th of every month. I hate those anniversaries. You have made it through the first week. Now you will get through the second week. Then the first month. It's hard, but somehow we do it. I think it is a good idea to wait before you make any big decisions like changing your living arrangements. Right now you just need to concentrate on you. I keep reminding myself that I need to face life as bravely as Doug faced death. That is what he wanted me to do. For me, it has been six months. I still feel that I am just putting one foot in front of the other at times. The memories, the love, is still here, but I still feel very lonely. You're right, a long time loving partnership can't be and shouldn't be, turned off in the blink of an eye. It will always be a part of us. It does get a little easier with time, not better, but easier. Take care, Fay

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Double posted

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Many thanks to you both for the words of encouragement....this site really eased some of my issues while caring for Bill.
Today has been a roller coaster ride of emotions..one minute I feel in control of myself and than something will trigger something and I go to pieces. The lonliness will be the worse..but truth be told..due to the illness and the meds and their side effects...the last three months..Bill had been here in body only...he tried so hard to maintain normalcy but just couldn't..but I was lonely even then for the man I married..the worst part for me was watching him just slip away.
His daughter and his grand-daughters did go home after some conversation....it killed me to let them go...his daughter carries so many of his mannerisms...that it was like still having him here...but I couldn't ask her to change her life just to make me feel better....this grieving thing is something I need to go though.
So tonight will be my first night alone....I do find comfort in that he passed just as he wished....I gave him that....my last gift to him...letting him go in peace.
I surely wish I had, had more time..but it never would have been enough.
I just pray that tommorrow will be a better day.
Thanks again so much for your kind thoughts and prayers.
Pat

Menaff
Posts: 9
Joined: Dec 2009

It looks as if we lost our best friend on the same day. What a roller coaster of a ride since Oct. My husband of 28 yrs., was given six to eight months in early Nov. And I watched him slip away the same way you speak of. I am grieving something terrible. I am not alone as our daughter had a baby boy last Tues. and they came home to stay with Mom for a while. I don't know which is worse being alone or not being able to be alone. I have cried the whole day today. I also talked to my step daughter today, we were here until the very end. A bond I guess no one can understand but the two of us. I want to know why I was so stupid not to have read more into the symptoms he was having and not to have taken him to the Dr. Oh God, now the pain is excruciating. The loss is unbelievable. And what to do? April 21, 4 months to our anniversary.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please don't feel guilty. I am sure you did the best you could do at the time, and that is the best we can do. It is ok to cry. Grieving is hard and we need to do it one day, one hour, and one minute at a time. Hang in there. Time doesn't make things better but it does get a little easier. Take care, Fay

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1160
Joined: May 2008

I am sorry for your loss, I was married 35 yrs and watched the colon cancer take him in a bad way . i am further down the road its was a year on april 15th of this year that angel left. It is hard but i get up everyday and go on, but i am still very lonely for him and miss him so much. Take care

michelle

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

You continue to inspire me. Thank you for posting. I hope all is going as well as can be expected for you. Fay

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1160
Joined: May 2008

Thanks for asking As a matter of fact i will be driving for the first time to california from az angel and i have taken that dr atleast 50 time we are from ca so now i will do this alone a little scared but i should be ok If I dont break down but just had the car serviced so i should be good to go. It takes about 6 hrs on the i-10 there is just not to much to look at for hrs Best to keep my eyes on the road anyhow.

I hope you are doing well too, And i feel the same, you all inspire me also.

huggs michelle

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Those firsts can be really hard. I only drove my motorhome by myself about ten miles, but I really felt like I had accomplished something. I now keep a book in my car to take into a restaurant if I decide at the last minute to eat out by myself. I am learning how to be alone, but it is not easy. I wish you safe travel. Fay

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