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My mother

devoted daughter
Posts: 4
Joined: Apr 2010

I lost my mother to colon cancer 2 weeks ago. I am having such a hard time dealing with it. She lived with me for 8 years. I was also her primary caregiver and she wanted to die at home so it was nice to have the days to let her know how much we loved her but so hard watching her die. She is now in a better place and not suffering. But I not only lost my mom but my best friend. My house is so empty without her. I have had few good days but these past few have been so hard. I feel like I am losing it. I just get so sad.

AKAngel's picture
AKAngel
Posts: 74
Joined: Mar 2010

You have my deepest sympathy for your loss. I'm living with my parents, and my mom's cancer is slowly taking her away from me. I don't know when I will be in your shoes, but we all feel it's not far now. While you were her caregiver, was she under hospice care at all? My mom is, and they have counsellors for grieving and such. I was thinking that maybe you need someone physically there for you that you don't feel bad about burdening with your pain. I get that way with my friends and family, who just want to be there for me, but I feel I'm just repeating myself and that they can't help me deal with this. Of course, you do have all of us here on the board...but no one here can hand you a tissue or even give you a hug or hold you while you cry. Find someone professional to help you; if you can't afford it, there are hotlines that are toll-free I'm sure that have a willing ear on the other end. Also, try posting this under the Caregivers board too, I know others out there will be able to give support too.

devoted daughter
Posts: 4
Joined: Apr 2010

Thank you so much for your support. We had hospice for 10 days. They were wonderful. I received in the mail yesterday some support from hospice which I will call. I was just feeling extra blue yesterday and came across this website. Mom had not been sick a day in her life till 6 months ago when she was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. We thought we had her for 2 more years and then the journey began and chemo didn't work and she had a few set backs and went down hill so fast. Then the next thing we knew she got a throat infection and then hospice was called and we were on the code 7 group--7 days to live. What a shock. She ended up lasting 10 days. She lived with my husband and I for 8 years and she was such a blessing to us. She was our only family so it amde it hard. At work and with firends even though it still has only been 2 weeks you don't want to bother everyone by repeating yourself. But I find myself wanting to talk about it adn then I hold it in. I know time will heal. It helped yesterday reading others stories and what they have gone through and relating to their feelings. Thanks for listening.

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

I lost both my parents to long-term illnesses and my only sibling to suicide, after surviving testicular cancer, myself. It seems like, just when "we" think we have endured enough, life decides to add one more crisis. Sometimes, I feel like a centipede waiting for yet another shoe to drop!

Love, Courage, and Peace of Mind!

Rick

devoted daughter
Posts: 4
Joined: Apr 2010

You are definitely a survivor. You have had a full plate. It is encouraging to hear you doing good despite the hourneys.

mazzsun
Posts: 5
Joined: May 2010

Rick,
Thanks for the centipede comment. It is the only thing that was able to make me smile today! : ]

I joined this site today looking for support since my mother's death almost a year ago. I finally didn't know where else to turn. She died of sudden onset stage IV lung CA. I struggle every day to get by. She was my best friend. Your letter has given my some courage to move forward a little bit.

Thanks!

Janice

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I am really sorry that you lost your mother . My husband lost his battle to colon cancer six.months ago. It is so hard to lose someone, and watch their body deteriorate. My husband also died at home. I choose to concentrate on the good memories of those last few days, the friends and family visits, our pastor playing his guitar for Doug, Doug's sense of humor and ability to laugh, holding hands, saying andas hearing "I love you." I wasn't always able to do that, but time does help. Sometimes grief still overwhelms me. It happened more often in the early days, though. Your grief is still very new. Give yourself permission to continue grieving. It takes time and we each do it in our own time and way. Your real friends understand that and will be willing to listen. Take care, Fay

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Dear Devoted Daughter,
So sorry for the loss of your mom. I, too am a devoted daughter. I recently lost my dad to esophageal cancer with mets to the liver on 3/9/10. He was my best friend. I was always my daddy's little girl. I can totally relate. It is very very hard. I have to give a lot of credit to my faith in God. That is what got me through this 16 month battle. As us both being caregivers, we did all that we could for them. We made every phone call, we asked every question, we made every appointment, we found out what the best treatment would be, we supported them throughout their treatments, but....when that day came when my dad said, this is it I am weak, I am in pain, I am suffering, I do not want to do this anymore, please....let me go, I had to respect his wishes. I had to give him my blessing. That evening, he too passed peacefully at home. We know that they are in a much better place, no more pain, no more suffering, no more tests, no more treatments. And please believe that we will see them again and spend all of eternity with them. We have to look forward to that time. We have to celebrate their lives. We have to remember all of the good times and all of the good memories. Know that it is ok to cry, and grieve. There is a wonderful country music song by Keith Urban (i think) called "Cryin for Me". Listen to the words. I am not cryin for you, I'm cryin for me. I think this means I am cryin for me because I am still here on earth without you. You are the lucky one in heaven. Hope this helps. Wanted to let you know you are not alone. Let us know how you are doing.
Tina

devoted daughter
Posts: 4
Joined: Apr 2010

Thanks so much for your email. It was so encouraging. I am doing ok. I have alot of good days but then I have some sad ones and I am realizing I need to let the tears flow. Then I remember the good times and they make me smile. My faith in our Lord helps me be strong and go on.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Thanks for checking back in with us. I am glad you are able to smile at the good memories. That's a big part of what keeps me going. Blessings, Fay

mazzsun
Posts: 5
Joined: May 2010

I'm very sorry for your loss. I Lost my mom, my best friend 9 months ago to sudden onste stage IV lung cancer. From the diagnosis until her death I had 3 precious months with my mother. For that I am very thankful. In the end I was glad to let her go and suffer no more. I do miss talking to her every day. She lived a mile from my house and life is not the same without her. Although each day is a challange I do manage to get by. Every day I pray and thank the lord for the time I had with her. I am starting to heal, but it is a slow process. When I get really sad, I try and think of all the things I am thankful for and that my mom wouldn't want to know that I am grieving. She would want me to move on and remember her for the many happy times we had together. Keep strong, and try and stay positive.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Grieving is a necessary part of living and loving. We each have to do it in our own way and time and it does take time. Tomorrow is another one of those days I wish I could forget. It will be 7 month since I lost my husband. It's hard but I will keep busy and spend time with friends. I was blessed with 6 years after Doug's diagnosis. Time to make memories, say everything we needed to say, and even time for a new granddaughter to be born. The good memories are helping me move forward. My husband did not want me to grieve either, but he knew I would. You don't love without grief.take care and I'm glad you have found us. Take care, Fay

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