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lost my love, my life

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

My husband John passed away on April 6, 2010 from pancreatic cancer, he was sick for 7 weeks total and now he is gone, It started with what he thought was a stomach virus, felt bloated and didn't want to eat, which was not norma;l for him, he was a big guy who loved to eat, we went to our MD who thought he had a stomach bacteria infection pylori, he gave him antibiotics, and within the next two days he was getting worse, so I forced him to go to the gastro, who gave him an endoscopy and said you have an ulcer, but just to be sure lets take a sonigram, and when he returned with the results, I could see in his face that it was not good. He set up an appointment for the next morning for a cat scan, after the scan that afternoon we got a call from the doctor and he said come to my office pick up the scan, go to Sloane Kettering, or Presbyterian now, thaey will admit him right away. We were caught in a whirlwind that just never stopped until April 6th, He was admitted to Sloane, they took 4 liters of fluid from his gut that night, that was the bloating he felt, the next few days were horrible, then the blood clots got into his lungs and his blood pressure went all the way down, he was put in ICU, where they tried everything they could, so many different things, but they couldn't get his body to keep his pressure up on its own, then his kidneys started to act up. Finally they told him they couldn't do anything else for him, the cancer was in his pancreas, liver and his gut, how could this be, he was walking 3 miles a day a week berfore this started, he was eating, happy. and now he is gone, I don't know if I can live through this, we were married 43 years, I don't know how to live without him, my heart is broken, We were very close and always together, I am trying to keep my head above water, because I feel it is sink or swim and I know if I sink I will drown. I am so sad.
Karen

Cindy Bear
Posts: 560
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi Karen. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved husband. I can't imagine how devastated you must be. Please know that you are not alone, there are wonderful, caring people on this site. I came here Last July after my beloved mother passed from Stage IV uterine cancer. I was angry, bitter, cynical, you name it. I was still reeling from the shock of finding out my mother had cancer, that she was Stage IV and that 4 months into "Treatment" she was gone. It's a long story and I've ranted on these boards a few times but her medical team really let us down. My mother was a victim of agism, her symptoms all poo-pooed as arthritis, age related asthma (the cancer had spread to her lungs) etc. Like your husband she had quite a healthy lifestyle. She loved to walk and work in the yard, she ate well. Never smoked, never took HRT and rarely touched alcohol. Genetics? Stress? she was a Type A for sure, a widow who never missed Jeopardy, wheel of fortune, Bingo or Sunday mass. I know losing a mother isn't like losing a spouse but you will get thru this. Put one foot in front of the other and keep breathing. I have found coming here often and listening to other people's stories and advice has been a tremendous help to me. My SIL's husband is right now battling stomach cancer It is stage IV. He was told last year he was terminal. He went through so many treatments (chemo pump, rads, now he has a stent and he's very medicated and in pain. The chemo seemed to work well for awhile and then all the cancer came back. I know you don't think so now, but in some ways I think you are lucky that your husband didn't suffer for months and months. Try to take some comfort in that . Hugs, Cindy

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

thank you cindy for the support, I hope you are right, I know I am in a fog right now, it is all bottled up inside, I think I am in some sort of denial and shock, These horrible stories are just so much to digest, until you have direct contact with this sickness, you don't realize what people go through. So much pain from sickness, its just not fair. I just can't get it, I wish someone could explain to me what just happened to our life. I guess you are right I could not see him suffer any more, I am sorry for your loss, I can't understand all the suffering. and why? I am trying so hard to keep going for my kids and my grandkids, I think that it is just going to get harder and harder to deal with this every day that passes.
God Bless
Karen

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Hello Karen....
First of all my deepest sympathy for your loss...I am right in the same place you are...my Bill started showing illness in January...chalked it up to "just getting old" he was 70yrs young.
Long story short got him to go to the ER the first week in March...next day they found metastatic lesions on his spine and subsequent lung mass.
The only treatment at that point was pallitive and he choose to opt out of it...and just go home and live for as long as he could.
Took him home and got him on Hospice..best move we ever made.
His condition declined rapidly but with constant care and 02 support he was holding his own...
His doctor told me that he had "a couple of months" at best...he never knew that...as a matter of fact..he placed an order for some flower bulbs..to be planted next season...he was hopefull and an eternal optimist.
On April 21st...he had a reunion with his estranged children...that night he was so happy and content...that very night...he passed away in my arms..while I was putting him to bed...it was so fast but totally painless...
The anguish I feel right now is right to my core....we were married for 34yrs and in that time I can count the times we were apart overnight....and this past year due to my retiring early...we were together 24/7...and now he is gone.
I try to find solace in that he did not suffer for long and that he was the master of his care.
I cry alot but the tears don't last long because my mind goes to the fact that he was able to choose his final days.
Having him home during the final weeks gave us time to share and we both understood each others feelings...he was sad to be leaving me behind and I was sad to be losing him....but I also know that had he gone on longer he would have lost all independence and that would be unacceptable for him..
Try to quiet your thoughts and reflect on your life with your husband...with the focus on the living....know that he would have wanted you to go on....we can live though this....the wonderful men in our hearts taught us that....we owe it to them to keep going...knowing that I was a real homebody..Bill told me get out and be with people...get a little job to keep me active....I promised him I would and I will.
Cancer is a demon...but its becoming more common and so many people suffer with it....its sad.
We need to keep those guys in our hearts and show them that they left strong ladies behind...
I feel a connection with you...the time line being so close...lets keep in touch...ok ?
Your in my thoughts.
Blessings to you...
Pat

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Pat first of all let me say I am so sorry for your loss. I think for me I at times think I am the only one going through this horrible pain loosing my best friend but you and other have reminded me I am not alone. It is sad but a little comforting knowing others out there are going though what I have been through and can help with encouraging words and ideas to keep on going. You are so right when you told Karen we owe it to our wonderful husbands to keep going and I thank you for reminding me through what you said to Karen I do need to keep going and so do you and others facing this. Thanks and blessings to you. Haley

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

I do feel we have a connection, I was in the same boat as you, always together, never apart, only to have my children, I hope I can be strong, I don't know if I can, I am trying so hard, I went to a counselor today, and my insides were shaking when I left her office, I had to relive the whole story for her, and it hurt so much, this wasen't such a good day today, I wish I could think straight so that I can think of our life and all our happiness, but I just can't focus on anything yet, My mind is congested, I am going to try to go back to work on friday, I don't know if that will be good or bad, I will try. I want to be a strong lady, I don't know life without him, I hope I find strength from somewhere. My son was here today to help me with some things, he came with my 2 young grandsons, so I am really tired tonight, I will write again, please keep in touch with me.
god bless
karen

Menaff
Posts: 9
Joined: Dec 2009

My husband of 27 yrs. passed away on this day. And I was here in our bedroom when he left this world. I was in denial while it happened but thankfully his daughter was here with me and knew it was the end. I am devastated about his loss and yes I was strong when he was here and now I am the exact opposite. I feel like I can't go on. What happened to my independence, where did my positive attitude go? I want him back so much. I watch the memorial video that was put together for the service and cry, cry, cry. I watched it for hours today. God please remove the pain from my heart. And give me the will to go on.
He would never have wanted or expected me to be so weak. I wish that more had been said, but you want to be optimistic and not speak of the end. I knew when hospice came that was the beginning of the end. They only came one time and he was gone. Please God give me my life back. Please give me peace. I have never felt so helpless. Thank God for my kids because they have been great and supportive of my ups and downs. And thanks to all our friends for all the prayers that were sent our way. I know that prayer helped me get thru the illness now I need them to get me thru this part. I always thought we would have more time. He was 63 and me 53. Too young to be a widow. Too young to be alone. Thanks for listening.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

My husband was also 63 when I lost him 7 months ago. I am also 63 so I am not as young a widow as you are. Yet I still feel it is too soon, and I hate that word. We do need to find ways to move forward. It sounds like you have a strong support system. It is ok for you to lean on them a bit. Grieving is hard. It takes time. You will find your way. One month is a very short time. You are still in the fog of grief. It is real. I, too, have been supported by prayer and have a strong faith. That doesn't relieve our hurting, but it does tell us that we will see our loved ones again. We know that we are not alone in our journey. Crying is good, but you may want to stop watching the video for a few days. Only you can decide if that is a good idea for you. Each of us must grieve in our own way and time. Know that there are many on here who have some understanding of what you are going through. I will say a prayer for you. Fay

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi
I am so sorry for your loss, it is the hardest thing that I think we will ever have to do, dealing with this grief, it is unpredictable, you never know how you are going to feel when you get up out of b ed, and through the day I have ups and downs, I also agree with grandmafay, maybe it would be good for you to not watch the video every day, it might be to much for you, It is very good that you have a good support system, I do to,. although it is not the same, but at least there is someone to lean on. I have a journal, and I am trying out some bereavement groups, I am not sure that they will do anything, but I will give it a few trys, I hope that you find strength from god, I am trying to find strength also, It is a very hard journey we are on now, but I believe that we will be with them again, that is how I am getting through the days.
Take care of yourself
Karen

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

I hear you and agree that I too was kind of in denial about my husbands cancer. I always thought he would get better but he didn't and after battleing it 10 months he left me and our four kids. We were married 25 years and I am 46 and yes I said the same thing you did that I was too young to be a widow. He was 26 years older but he never looked his age I think the kids made him younger and kept him so busy he didn't even think about his age. Our kids are 22,19,17, and 10. I think the kids help in someways and also make it harder for me in others. I don't have the energy to sometimes even get up and when I do I feel guilty cause I don't have the energy to help them with their grief. It is hard enough to go through it myself let alone help all four with their different grief issues. The 12th of May will be 5 months and I can't believe it has been that long. It still seems like yesterday I lost him. Hang in there and keep going. Haley

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Haley,
This is just so terrible, you are young and 4 children that has to be so hard for them, My sons are married and have children of their own, so they are grieving, but they have to think of their families and what is happening at their house. So I am pretty much on my own, no sisters or brothers, good friends, but friends can't replace the void in our hearts. A lot of times I don't even want to see anyone, so I make up stories that I am doing something else. June 6 will be 2 months that johnny passed, I still have that tightness in my body, the anxiety.
Well I am going to write in my journal,
Take Care
Karen

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Wow, you have described what I went through again and again. As grandma Faye says" it does get easier." I think just getting up every morning is an accomplishment for us. I think most of my friends have no idea what I am going through. I do have three friends that lost their husbands and it is these girls that I can talk to somewhat. Karen we are all going through somewhat the same things you are going through so don't feel bad in expressing your thoughts fears ete... I might not be able to help much but I can listen. I think this will make us all stronger it will just take a lot of time for all of us to heal. I enjoy journaling but don't have a lot of time to do it. I think I will make sometime daily to do this. It can be very healing. Hey you are in my thoughts and prayers. Haley

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Haley
Thanks for the support, I am trying to take one day at a time, some days it is a drop easier than others. But I still mostly have the tightness inside of me. I find a little peace in feeling that John is here with me, just can't see or hear him, but I know that he is with me, I sense his presence, and anything I need to do, I get direction from him. I miss him terribly, and some days I am so miserable, mad, sad, everything, but we have to go on. until it is our time to be with them. But I know that John will stay by my side until I go with him. Well I have to work tomorrow, so I better get ready for bed.
God Bless
Karen

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Karen I know exactly what you are going through. I just lost my best friend and husband Sonny on January 12 of this year to esphageal cancer. We were married almost 25 years and have four children. After the chemo, radiation, the 10 hour surgery and three weeks in intensive care he started on a down hill slide. 5 times in and out of the hospital for the doctors to tell us on a thursday there was nothing else they could do. He went home with us and died 4 days later. He was 26 years older then me and always worried about me having to deal with him growing older. I never worried about that just knowing I was in love from the first moment I met him to the day he took his last breath. Our boys ages 21,18,17 were right there with me while I was holding my husband when he died. It was like I was in a fog. Our youngest is 9 and she was in school. I couldn't deal with telling her so our 18 and 17 year old sons went to get her. They brought her back to say goodby and I couldn't even get up to help her deal with her daddy dying. Luckily one of our closest friends was there and helped my daughter go up to my husband to say goodby then he took her home with him and his wife for three days. It has been three months and I still can't seem to breath at times. I also feel like I am just treading water and I am to so sad. I feel your pain and all I can say is I know my husband would not want me to just close up and waste away. It is so hard just to get up and get my daughter ready for school. I am blessed to have three strong and caring sons that have stepped up to help me with their little sister. I keep feeling like I don't know what to do and really who I am without Sonny. It is very scary at times but I have tried to keep busy with work and that has helped a little. I really don't think my friends really get it. I am 46 and am a widow. That is so weird for me to even say. I know several people that have lost their husbands but most of the ladies are 80s and up which is hard for me to talk to them. One thing you and I both can say is we had a great marriage and loved great men who we will never forget. Be strong and keep going.

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Haley...my heart goes out to you and your children....Bill and I never had children of our own..when I married a man with 5 children I made that choice....its a choice I now regret...Keep your children upper most in your daily thoughts...they are still here on earth and need their Mom...I am sure that Sonny would have wanted it that way....
This Cancer thing is horrific...my first thoughts when I heard the DX was why him? He was a good man and didn't deserve such a thing...but their is no answer for such a question......and truth be told he never asked why him?
I am so early on in the game right now...tomorrow will be a week...everyday I try to do a little something to try to keep my world from spinning off its axis...just to keep me on the long road back....I miss him terribly but I know that he would not have wanted me to shrivel up and stop living....
Today we go to pick up his remains....on one hand I am dreading it....but on the other hand I am looking forward to it...I will have him back..just in a different form.
Stay strong...stay focused..its what our men would have wanted...right?
Blessings..
Pat

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Thanks Pat I know after a week losing my husband I was still mostly in shock and not wanting to really except he was not going to be there for me anymore. My kids talk daily about their dad and I really think it helps us all deal with the pain of losing him. I am pushing them to do the things we did as a family like going to the desert. We have been twice since Sonny has died and it has been so hard for all four of the kids. I even bought my daughter who is 10 a new quad. She like it but has been the most vocal about not wanting to go back to the desert without daddy. This breaks my heart but I know I have to keep pushing to do family things even if their dad is gone. Hopefully it will get easier for all of us. Yep we need to stay strong. My thoughts are with you tomorrow.

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

I also have my husband home, It gives me a little peace knowing he is home again, like you said in a different form, but it is still him, My husband would not of wanted me to shrivel up, but how do I stop it from happening, I am trying so hare, but I am afraid that I can't do it. I want to be strong, this experience made me a different person, I am still in shock and denial, I miss him so much, I just wish he was here.
God Bless
Karen

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Karen,
You can do this!!! I know it is so very hard but you are strong and you need to stay this way. I also wish Sonny was here with me. The one thing I have to keep telling myself is that in one way I wish he was still here but in a larger way I don't wish the pain and suffering he had to do. So I am so glad he is in no more pain. I know all of our husbands would have a fit if we just gave up so we have to fight this feeling. I have had people tell me it gets easier as time goes by but I don't want to hear that. I am going on four months without my husband and at times it does get a little easier for me to go to sleep at night. I have a very intense job as a program director of an adult day health care and an administrator of a board and care for elderly which keeps me super busy during the day. I can manage the day it is the night time that I have such a horrible time with a good portion of the time. I think just getting to talk with other people who are going through the same thing helps keep me grounded. Having to go through this life without our best friends is an experience we don't want but we have to handle. For me having people like you guys helps keep me going. Take care and remember YOU can do this.

Haley

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Haley
Thank you for the encouragement, I hope you are right, I am pretty scared, I depended on Johnny for a lot of things, we were always together, I am pretty lost, I am trying so hard to stay strong, but I feel it is all fake, and I am going to fall apart when the reality sets in. I feel like I am caught in a whirlwind and my feet can't touch the floor, I feel like he is still here, my brain dosen't want to believe it is true. But I know it is, I listened to the message on his cell phone tonight, it was hard to hear his voice, I felt like he was standing right next to me. I am going to a bereavement group on Monday, I am hoping they will help me figure this out, I am like a robot rigjht now, get up walk the dogs and so on, just like a robot, going through the motions of the day, I am on auto pilot, when does this stop.
Thanks for listening
Karen

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

Haley, I am very sorry that you lost your husband. I don't have any words of wisdom, but a couple of things you said really hit home for me. I lost my husband six months ago. I am a 63 year old widow. Believe me that word hits many of us hard at any age. Also, one book I read refers to the "fog of grief." it was nice to give that foggy feeling a name. I would also encourage you to talk to those 80 something year old widows that you know. I belong to a church with many elderly widows. Some of them have said things that were very helpful. Whatever age we are, losing a husband is hard. They have survived that experience, many of them for many years. They have cried and grieved and learned how to move forward. Take care of yourself and your children. Seek counseling if you need to not only for yourself, but also for your children. Fay

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

It is so terrible what we went through, and your young daughter, I am so sorry for your lose, I just don't understand, there is so much sickness around, and you don't really hear about it until you are involved. So much sorrow, and hurt, it is so unfair. You are to young to be a widow, I don't know what we will do now, I know what you are talking about, when you say you can't breath, I get that all the time. You have children at home, you have to be strong for them, they need you. They will help you to go on, I hope I get strength from my sons, they are married with there own children so it is different, they aren't always around, it is very lonely, even with my friends around I still feel abandoned. Johnny was a great man, and I love him very much, and will never ever stop.
Take Care
Karen

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

This time is so hard for you and I am very sorry you lost your husband. It has been six months since I lost my husband of 42 years to colon cancer. The first few weeks after his death, I really struggled. I asked myself many of the same questions you are asking. I won't tell you that it gets better,but for me it has gotten easier. I know that my husband's greatest concern was leaving me. I told him often that I was a strong independent woman and that I would be ok. It is not easy to live that statement, though. He faced death so bravely that I feel that I have to face life without him bravely, too. This weekend I participated in our Relay for Life. It wasn't always easy, but it was very uplifting. I felt that I was doing something positive in the fight against cancer. Our church put together a team largely because of Doug as well as others we have lost to cancer. One granddaughter and I spent the night. I drove our motorhome there. It was my first solo drive. Even though it was only about ten miles, I felt like that was a real accomplishment . a year ago Doug walked the survivors' lap using a walker, and I would never have imagined myself driving a 26 ft. Motorhome. Life does go on, and we do need to go on with it. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed with grief. I have found that I just have to accept that. I hate being alone. I am very lucky to have the strong support of family and friends, but they have all gone back to their lives. Yes, they miss Doug. Our children and grandchildren all feel the hole in their lives, but I am the one who has lost my other half. Yes, I am surviving and rebuilding my life. It is getting easier, but it will never be the same. Take care of yourself. Grieve in your own way and your own time and know that you are not alone as you can see from the many replies you have gotten here. Fay

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Fay, Thanks for the encouraging words. You were so right when you said everyone misses your husband "but you are the one that lost your other half."It is different for us just to have to sleep alone still bugs me most of the time. Just to get through the night I have to take my favorite cologne Sonny use to wear and put it on my pillows. This helps makes me relax to a certain degree and then I can finally fall asleep. My youngest son thought I was nuts buying a large bottle of very expensive cologne just to sleep with. Nuts or not it has helped a little and the way I feel most of the time if I can find something that calms me down I will do it. Funny you should mention Rely for Life. We are all doing the 24 hours in our town this weekend. My sons, step son and daughter and two sisters are all walking in memory of Sonny and of course to help raise money for hopefully a cure to the dreaded C word. We are even getting T shirts made with Sonny's picture and in memory of him on the back of the shirts. You are right when you said Life goes on and that is so true it just seems so much more lonely without our guys.

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Today was tough, I look at his car in the driveway, and see him in it, I miss him so much at night especially, I sleep hugging his hat like it is a teddy bear, it smells of him. I have his pictures all around my bedroom, I feel like someone ripped my heart out, I feel empty inside, I hope that gets a little better, I sleep on his side of the bed and his ashes are on his nightstand, I don't know how else to be near him.
Like you said my sons, and grandchildren miss him but it is different for them, I am alone, I feel lost
Good Night
Karen

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Karen I have done the same things you are doing. I still take my favorite cologne he use to wear and put it every night on my pillow and his so I can smell him and then I seem to be able to sleep a little bit of the time. I have to force myself and kids to talk about him, keep lots of pics around the house of him with all of us. My 10 year old daughter seems to not like all the pics of her daddy all over. I feel torn because for me to go on each day I need to have these pics around me. I promise it does get a little easier to sleep and deal with the day to day things. My husband's car was hard at first but because my excursion blew a motor I was forced to use his car. I now feel a little better about driving the car. The boys still tell me its dads car not mine so I am always being reminded its not my car. We are all here dealing with the same horrible reality that things will never be the same. Just remember we are here.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

Take each day, each hour, and sometimes each minute one at a time. I wish I could just hug both of you here. I won't tell you that it gets better, but it does get easier. For me the first week was just a fog. It was the later weeks when everything really set in. I had one of the older widows in the church tell me that she was fine until the third month. Then she couldn't stop crying. Cut yourselves a little slack. Grieving is hard work and it takes time. Also, I'm convinced that "staying strong" is over rated. We can't be strong all the time. Sometimes we really do need to let go. It's ok to fall apart now and then. We've earned that right. This wasn't in our plans and our new normal will take time to get used to. Even now, six months later, I sometimes feel like I am just putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes the little things just throw me for a loop. Hang in there and take care. Your world will never be the same, but you will find a way forward. Part of you is missing but still in your heart. The good memories will begin to give you some comfort. Fay

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Fay,
You give me some hope, I don't want to give up, I am just so scared of being alone. I am going to a bereavement group on Monday, I hope that it will help me figure things out, I don't even know what that means, figure things out, what is there to figure out?
I am going to try to go back to work tomorrow, I am trying so hard, I still feel like it is all fake and I am in a whirlwind, but I am functioning, I take care of the dogs, and I am forcing myself to eat, but my head feels like I am not in reality, weird. Hope I am not cracking.
Thanks for listening and thanks for the good advice
Karen

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

I may have mentioned before that one book I read had a chapter about what they called the fog of grief. I was glad to have a name for feeling that I was just going through the motions of living for the first few weeks. I'm retired so I didn't have to worry about work. I don't know if that is good or bad. At times I thought I would have liked to have something to go back to. I hope going back to work proves to be a good thing for you. Eating was and continues to be a problem for me. I have a hard time fixing an actual meal for myself. I do try to do that at least once a day. There are so many things that we are not used to doing alone. Since both Doug and I were retired we did most things together. Each time I face one more thing alone it does get a little easier. Take care, Fay

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Do you know the name of that book, I am glad to hear that other people also experience this fog, It is hard to prepare a meal for yourself, when I do eat it is anything, we only used to eat very healthy, now when i do eat it is junk. Work was hard today, seeing everyone for the first time after the funeral, it was a hard day, but I stood until the end of the day, I surprised myself, I didn't think I would be able to., Monday night is my first group counseling, I hope that it is good for me, I haven't driven in years, have a license, but Johnny always drove, this is something I will have to do, I can't be dependent on everyone to go places. I hope I will get my confidence back, and be able to do it. So many life changes, I have to go on the train to get to the support group, haven't been on the train in years, i have so many changes to face.
Hugs, Karen

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

I'm sorry, I don't remember the name of the book. It was one given to me by Stephen ministry at church. That's a one one one lay ministry we have. Doug and I had actually trained for that before he got sick so I had it. I read through it and put it away some place safe. You know, that place I can never remember where it is? I have a lot of those these days, and it drives me crazy. I know that there are a number of good books out there. I'm sure hospice could recommend one. Hope you have as good a weekend as is possible. Take care, Fay

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halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

You are so right I do need to cut myself some slack. I think at work and at home with my kids I try to be so strong and don't want to break down in front of anyone. Especially in front of my 10 year old. Everytime I cried she would jump up and run over and try to comfort me. I felt so bad here my 10 year old should be upset and I should be conforting her. The hospice counseler said it is not really good for her to comfort me all the time that she should be dealing with her own grief. I kind of agree with her so I try very hard not to break down in front of the kids. I like what you said about " maybe not getting better but it does get easier." I hope it gets easier for the kids they are all taking it very differently but very hard. I have put a call into the counseling group for my 10year old. She is still having panic attacks and bad dreams where her dad comes back and tries to hurt all of us. Kind of worried about that but like I said before I don't know what normal is with this. Thanks for giving me somethings to think about. You hang in there too. Haley

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grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so glad you are going to get grief counseling for your daughter. Sometimes adults forget that children need to grieve, too. I can see the hospice counselors point, but I don't see a problem with you both comforting each other. If you are honest with your daughter with your grief and encourage her to share her grief, I would think it would help her. She needs to know that it's ok to cry, be angry, or whatever. One thing I used to tell the parents of my students was that they are the ones who know their children best. Getting help with grief counseling for yourself and your daughter is good. I know that you will do what is best for all of you. I really believe that we each grieve in our own way and time. There is no one right way. Take care, Fay

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Your daughter would benefit from counseling, she is at an age where she understands, and she must find it so hard when she sees you upset, she probably wants to be strong for you, but she is only a little girl and needs comfort too. I hope the counseling helps.
Hugs Karen

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halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Thanks Karen I am working on counseling for my daughter and my 17 year old son so far. I will look for some for me after I get the kids taken care of. I would have thought that after three months this would start getting better but after talking with the hospice counslor she said this has just begun. I guess things are starting to wind down and now is when reality is starting to hit the kids and even with me. This is all new to me. Thanks Haley

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halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Thanks Fay, I do think I know my daughter pretty well, at least better than the school counselor. I know she seems so much stronger than I am most of the time. I do need to let her know it is ok to cry it is just very hard for me to show my emotions with the kids right now. I know they are going through so much right now and with me being upset I think this might upset them more. When we have my daughter talk with the hospice counselor I ususally participate by being there if she needs me that is about it. I know I should get some counseling of my own at least that is what the psycholigist told me last week when I took my 17 son who is now starting to have problems sleeping and depression. I was so upset to see the kids falling apart I just needed to get them help first. I know each of us grieve in different ways it is just hard for me to do it with anyone else around. I guess I am weird. What can I say. Haley

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grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

No, you are not weird. You are human. On second thought, maybe all of us humans are a little weird. I tend to keep a lot of my grieving to myself, too, but then I am by myself a lot. I agree that three months is not a long time grieving wise. Historically, women used to wear black for at least a year. Queen Victoria wore black for many years. In our modern world, we expect everything to happen quickly. Maybe grieving is something we can't hurry. You have many responsibilities that you now have to face alone. That's tough. I'm glad you are getting help for the son and daughter. Remember, though, that the number one rule of caregiving is taking care of yourself. I'm glad you are thinking along those lines as well. I read on another post that you are walking in a Relay for Life this weekend. I did that last weekend. Ours was very upbeat and well supported by the community. It helped me feel like I was doing something positive. One granddaughter (16) did it with me, and I think it was good for her, too. Several people had bought luminaria for Doug. Our granddaughter decorated most of them and both of us lit them during the evening ceremony. Then we gave each other a big hug. It was good. Take care, Fay

anthonya
Posts: 11
Joined: Jun 2010

I recently lost my mother, whom I was extremely close too,to cancer. She was 75 years old. It was detected too late. If she had gone to the doctor more often, it might have been a different story.

The feeling of lose is horrible. The worst feeling I've ever experienced. I can imagine the horrible pain you are experiencing now.

What made your husband most happy in life? What can you do to keep his essence alive? It helps my pain to become involved in things my mother wanted to do or would have wanted to do. Perhaps this is something that can bring you some comfort as well.

Look into grief counseling. It really helps.

a

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi A
Thanks for your support, I am trying so hard, I am going to grief counseling, nothing seems to help, I will be feeling a drop better for a day or so, and then boom. Right now I am angry, I wish it would pass, i hate this feeling, don't know what to do, I have no patience, and don't really want to see anyone. I keep myself busy, I work, I write in my journal, I don't know what else to do, We were together 44 years, he was only 60, and it was totaly unexpected. so I don't know if I will ever recover.
Take care
Karen

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

I am in the same boat with you Karen when you said you don't know if you will ever recover. I think this same thought most of the time. I too do pretty good for a couple of days and then cruddy the next couple of days. I am angry and yell at my kids which I know they are going through grief with loosing their dad. I am dealing with my daughter who is 10 and she is having a really hard time with the loss of her dad. I have no patience and feel I want to yell at her when I try to get her to eat and after the 10 thing I make or suggest she won't eat it. I have had to walk away just about everyday so I won't explode. I hate this feeling but I don't know what to do. I have started some antidepressants but I don't think they are working very good. I have to make myself get out of bed in the morning but once I get to work I seem to do ok because there is so much for me to do it keeps my mind focused and I don't think of my loss and feelings. It is when I go home and everone is in bed then it really hits me. So I think or I am told it will get a little easier but I really don't know when it will this week it will be 5 months that my best friend and husband died. So hang in there and I will also. Haley

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Haley
I can't even imagine having to help a child feeling like I do, it must be so very hard for you, you have to give the antidepressents a chance, they can take up to 6 weeks to start taking effect, and if they don't help they have different kinds that will help, it is hard to deal with the anger when you are alone, Is your daughter talking to anyone, any counselors or friends that she can let it out to. Work is good, I never thought I would hear myself say those words, but I am happy that I am working, I almost retired a few months before Johnny got sick, it is a good thing that I didn't, it helps keep your mind busy for a couple hours a day. This is so hard for us, they left us here to deal with this pain, I just don't know why. I was with some of our friends today, I was worried that it would be to much for me, his best friend since they were teens, but once we sat and talked I was happy that I went. One day at a time, when I don't want to face or do something and I push myself I am usually happy that I did, I am finding that out.
Hope you have a good day today
Peace in our hearts and minds
Karen

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

Double post.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

Hi, just wanted you to know that I am still here and still reading. I still don't have any words of wisdom. Just feelings to share Fay

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi
good to hear from you, Having a lot of ups and downs today, yesterday was with Johns friends and did ok, but i think it came out today in my emotions, I woke up in a o k mood, had to make some phone calls to his union and social security, got a little frustrated with the wait, and got a full blown anxiety attack, had to take med, and relax for a while. then tonight I my son called and I broke down, and he got upset, I was so sorry that i upset him. I really hope that i wake up tomorrow in a better way, because today was awful.
Take care
Karen

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

I hope today is a better day. Sometimes I have those bad days and don't know why. Other days I'll get part way through the day and it will suddenly hit me why I feel so down. It is usually the little things that upset me. I think many of us here on these boards are going to have good days and bad days for some time. Our sons worry about us. Mine have always been a little protective. They are really good about sharing their feelings and don't get upset when I am down. They also seem to anticipate some of the hard days, like the 20th of each month, and give me a call or email. They don't totally understand what it is like for me to be alone after 42 years, but at least they try. I really appreciate that. It is also great that they both seem to be looking forward to our trip. Both have somewhat stressful jobs, so it will be good for them to get away. Blessings, Fay

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi
Thank goodness I woke up feeling much better today, you are like me married a long time, like you say my sons are very good, and there for me, but they don't really understand what it means for me to be without him. I think it is wonderful that you are going on a trip with them, my husbands birthday is sunday, so we are all going to be together at my sons house, with the grandchildren, I hope that it is not going to be to emotional for all of us. I have to work tomorrow so that is good, I won't be home until 7 by the time I eat and take care of the dogs it is bedtime. I wish you all peace in your heart, and hope tomorrow will be a good day for all of us.
God Bless
Hugs
Karen

nempark
Posts: 579
Joined: Apr 2010

Karen, I too was married for 43 years. My husband is still with me. Karen your husband is at peace the Bible says that when a person dies he is concious of nothing, no pain. So I do hope this will be of some comfort to you. Also there is a promise that we will see our dead loved ones again. So my dear Karen, This is a part of life we have to deal with and althoug it may take some time, and its okay to grieve, you will be surprised how well you will be able to cope. Karen life goes on and I know you are going to miss him terrible, but you will also have to carry on. Take care of your self and keep in touch with us. I feel your pain and send you comfort and hugs. June

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi June
Thanks for the comforting words, I do know that he is with me, I feel his presence all the time. I just miss him so much, I see that each day is passing, one into the other. I pray that we will be together again, I just wish I could hug him.
Take care
Karen

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