well - what a day

I know the feeling
My nerves would get the best of me too. My doctor put me on adivan, worked for me!

Hang Tough, Marianne

PET SCAN ? MRI?
If you are referring to one of the above tests I have the same problem and have had several of these tests done, they just give me two valium 30 prior to the procedure and it all goes bean.

RE

I'm so sorry
I'm so very sorry you are going through this. I can relate to what you are feeling. I am 43 and was diagnosed in February- 6 weeks after the death of my father who was so precious to me. I thought losing him would kill me and then I found myself laying on a table with a radiologist telling he was almost positive my lump was cancer. The one thing that my surgeon always stresses to me is that the mental part of this is very hard- the "what ifs" and the not knowing and the waiting. I think so far this has been worse than the physical stuff. I have not had my MRI yet but I know the time is coming and I dread it because I am so claustraphobic. Let me tell you, you are not alone. I work for a physician and we have alot of people who pretty much freak out in the MRI. For some people- alot of people, its just normal. We always give them a prescription for xanax or something to calm them. Also, take a washcloth with you to lay over your eyes. These things seem to work for most. I will be praying for you because I understand your fear and it is a bad thing. It makes you feel so hopeless and alone. But you are not alone. You have us sisters on this board who will help you. We may have to drag each other along through this but we are going to be survivors. Just remember, you don't know anything definite yet, it may be nothing. If its nothing, we will celebrate with you. If it is something, we will help you get through it.

jackbro35 said:

to everyone
Thank you again for your kind words.....my poor husband was with me yesterday...I worry for him the most. Yesterday afternoon we had a long talk...he is afraid that I will not fight hard enough...that I will just give up....my dad died of lung cancer 8 years ago and at the time my biggest frusteration with him was that he just waited to die...and then did. My husband said that since they discovered my lump that I have (to him) checked out...meaning I do what has to be done & then I just lay down. I do feel numb...because I dont understand...I just think the whole process is so painfully slow to diagnose. I am trying to stay focused and positive but I could do better. My primary doctor wasnt very happy with me yesterday either...I cant explain what I felt sliding into that tiny tube...yes its open on both ends....but how can you stay still and calm while inside you there could be a volcano...and I wasnt ready to know - yet I needed to know. If that makes any sense. He hasnt reached for me...we havent been intimate at all and I asked him if he was afraid of my boob..laughing...he said the stress is killing him and he cant explain why but just hasnt thought about it. Already there is so much to this...and its not even real yet. I also started a new job...and I will tell you that trying to focus on so much is very overwhelming. I am trying hard to do the right thing...and be the right person....but? I do feel so alone & foolish & selfish....give me strength.

OK, take a deep breath
First of all, know that all you are feeling and doing is perfectly normal given the situation. I remember getting into the MRI machine early on when I was just diagnosed. I'd already had other MRIs and thought I would be fine. Wrong. Couldn't do it. Had to be pulled out. It happens to all of us. Absolutely no need to feel bad. Are you supposed to be a pro at getting scanned?! Let's hope not. This is a new and scary time for you and you are entitled to freak out. It seems to me that you're putting too much pressure on yourself to be positive, to be the perfect patient, the perfect wife. Of course you feel numb. This is not "checking out" -- it's our body's response to trauma. I was numb for months after diagnosis because I needed to put my emotions aside to get through the process of diagnosis and decision-making about treatment. Believe me, you will have time to deal with your emotions later. However you choose to deal with this is fine -- emotional, numb, combination. And I understand that you're worried for your husband and that he feels enormous stress over this, but this is a time when he needs to support you and be there for you no matter his own fears. Right now, those fears are secondary to what you're going through. Tell him how he can support you and realize that anything you feel is OK. Hugs.

Mimi

jackbro35 said:

to everyone
Thank you again for your kind words.....my poor husband was with me yesterday...I worry for him the most. Yesterday afternoon we had a long talk...he is afraid that I will not fight hard enough...that I will just give up....my dad died of lung cancer 8 years ago and at the time my biggest frusteration with him was that he just waited to die...and then did. My husband said that since they discovered my lump that I have (to him) checked out...meaning I do what has to be done & then I just lay down. I do feel numb...because I dont understand...I just think the whole process is so painfully slow to diagnose. I am trying to stay focused and positive but I could do better. My primary doctor wasnt very happy with me yesterday either...I cant explain what I felt sliding into that tiny tube...yes its open on both ends....but how can you stay still and calm while inside you there could be a volcano...and I wasnt ready to know - yet I needed to know. If that makes any sense. He hasnt reached for me...we havent been intimate at all and I asked him if he was afraid of my boob..laughing...he said the stress is killing him and he cant explain why but just hasnt thought about it. Already there is so much to this...and its not even real yet. I also started a new job...and I will tell you that trying to focus on so much is very overwhelming. I am trying hard to do the right thing...and be the right person....but? I do feel so alone & foolish & selfish....give me strength.

You're not alone here!
I am sorry for what you are going through. The waiting is many times the hardest part of all this. For you and your family. I found that it was best to have open communication with my husband, letting him know how I felt and making sure to ask him how he was doing. It sounds like you've done some of that. My husband read a book called Breast Cancer Husband and found it very helpful. I don't recall the author, but it was written by a man whose wife was going through breast cancer.

I remember feeling numb about the whole situation when first diagnosed and through all the different tests. It is so surreal. I understand what you mean about being the right person. Sometimes we have to worry about how others are feeling and in turn feel selfish if we take care of ourselves. People expect us to act a certain way. With having the cancer and all that goes with it to deal with, you also have the new job. I'm sure you worry about that as well. If you are comfortable doing so, let your manager know what you are going through and get his/her assurance of how this will affect your position. Or your HR department. Most states have the FMLA laws to protect them as well.

I made a list of all the things that came to mind that I worried about or needed to take care of. I prioritized them, dealt with them and put them to rest so I knew I no longer needed to deal with them. One thing I put on there often was making time to be with my husband and kids. Even if it was just a few minutes at a time. Or to just get/give a hug. I didn't necessarily need to be intimate with my husband, just being with him helped so much.

The main thing is to take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise and get the rest you need. The stress alone can cause fatigue. Talk with your husband about your feelings, fears, uncertainty, etc so he knows where you are at, and you him. Arm yourself with knowledge about breast cancer in general. No question is a foolish question; you're just gaining knowledge. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. You will make it through this. Come back here any time. This is a great group of people who offer support and guidance.

You're in my prayers.

Barb