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Obsessive Thoughts?

haddockteacher
Posts: 2
Joined: Apr 2010

My husband died 6 months ago after only a short battle with Cancer. He died only 6 months after his diagnosis. He had completed a full round of chemo & radiation. He was admitted to the hospital for low oxygen and blood levels (the first "complication") since his diagnosis. He was in the hospital for 11 days total and expected to recover before things took a decided dramatic turn for the worse and he was gone. He was only in inpatient hospice for 2 days. The doctors were expecting him to be with us longer. We certainly were. At the least we expected him to come home on Hospice. I was with him for so many difficult things... every chemo... every test... horribly painful tests, all of it... I was with him when he took his last breath and he went peacefully and as odd as this sounds it was a beautiful thing... the way he passed... I also stayed with him for the hours afterwards that it took for the doctor to come and "pronounce" and watched as she did it. Perhaps this was only tramatic for me... the actual "pronouncement". I have found that those few minutes of what the doctor did to "pronounce" replays in my mind. The horrible thoughts of the doctor and that few minutes for her to do the things she did, without any visible compassion or humanity return to me over and over no matter how hard I try to keep them away. I don't obsess over them intentionally and they will stay at bay for days at a time but they creep back into my conscious thoughts. How is it that I am fighting to keep from forgetting many of the special moments we shared and concentrate to remember the sound of his voice but can't make some very painful memories go away?
Does anyone else struggle with this?

Cindy Bear
Posts: 566
Joined: Jul 2009

Hello. I am so sorry for your loss and everything you're going through now. I lost my mother to uterine cancer last June. I have a lot of anger and guilt. To try to recap in a nutshell she had symptoms of hip, lower back/side pain. Her GP that she went to faithfully wrote it off as arthritis.. Never sent her for any follow-up. A little nagging cough she devel. 'age related asthma no follow-up. Spotting blood, A "kidney infection" no follow-up. When she was finally diagnosed we were told with recurrence (we took that to mean they thought she had a good chance of remission) she had 15 mos. She lasted 4 months into treatment. We have a lot of anger, and unresolved questions and guilt . That we didn't force her to get a second opnion . Our anger and guilt has resulted in a lot of the obsessive thoughts that you speak of. I am doing better but still dwelling on the wouda, coulda, shoulda. I have found people on this board to be a wonderful source of courage, support and understanding. Perhaps the obsessive thoughts is a way of keeping yourself from remembering the special moments right now because you are vulnerable and his death still very fresh and painful. In time, I believe your thoughts will ease up and the special moments will come back into focus. I have found my anger lessening it's hold on me little by little. At the time, my anger kept me going and it was something to focus on other than my mama's death.
Hugs and prayers for you,
Cindy

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1638
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry that you lost your husband. It will be 6 months since I lost my husband on the 20th of this month. He lived 6 years after his diagnosis. We were very blessed with that time. I understand what you mean about your husband's death being beautiful. Although I wasn't in the room when my husband passed, I felt his last couple of days were very special. I'm sorry your experience with the dr. was so difficult. Hospice alerted our family dr. who signed the death certificate and our county coroner is also the owner of the mortuary. He came to take my husband's body within the hour. Also my two grown sons were with me. I want to assure you that grieving is a process and anger is a part of that process. Grieving is also hard work. We each do it in our own way and time. Six months may seem like a long time to some, but I can tell you that it seems like a very short time to me. I still hurt like it was yesterday. Some days are harder than others. Sometimes little things become hard to deal with. I find rainy, gloomy days make me more gloomy than ever before. I miss the sharing most. Do I remember painful memories at time? Yes. I accept that they were a part of our life together and his death. Neither one of us was perfect. Then I remember one of my husband's favorite sayings: "Let it go, dear. Just let it go." It helps me move forward. Take care. Many of us are in the same boat you are. All we can do is row and try to keep afloat. Fay

mel0891
Posts: 5
Joined: Apr 2010

I lost my dad one month ago today. I took care of him in my home for his last two months. Dad was diagnosed with renal cancer March 2009. His right kidney was removed and we were told he was cancer free, even after July body scans. February 5th we were told his cancer was in his bones in several areas and he had 6 months to live. I took family medical leave from my job April 1st because he could no longer be by himself. Dad was bed bound within three days, unable to stay awake for more than 5 minutes. Anything he said never made sense and he would break down crying saying he was so afraid.......those are the things that play in my mind all day....every day. I had only seen my dad cry maybe once before and it was maybe a tear or two down the cheek. To see my dad curl intot he fetal position and sob like a baby saying he was scared..........haddockteacher, i would like to know when these painful memories will stop too.

Sorry for...the details, but it's like a scary movie playing in my head all the time now

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi
I am so sorry for your loss, I also lost my husband to pancreatic cancer, he was diagnosed and passed all in 3 weeks, he was a strong healthy man, so we thought. but this disease is sneaky and like a monster within. I am also in a fog, I try to remember things about us or picture things from the past and I can not do it, I can not have my memories, people tell me that it is a protection that my mind is protecting itself, because we won't be able to handle memories, it will be to painful right now. But they say that they will come to us later on, that bothers me too. My mind is in a fog, and I know that I am still in shock. I keep calling his cell phone to hear his voice and every time I do it, it feels like a knife going into me, but I have to hear his voice, I don't know what is going to happen, or how we are going to handle this, but we don't have a choice, we can't bring them back. Someday we will be with them again, we just have to wait.
God bless
(((((hugs))))))
Karen

llong's picture
llong
Posts: 4
Joined: Dec 2009

My husband died from Esoph. Cancer last June. I've kept his voice on our answering machine at home, and copied it to my cell phone so I can hear it whenever I need to, without having to call home. I've kept digital photos of him on my cell phone and as a screen saver on my computer at work. I have his bathrobe hung up in his bathroom at home -it still smells like him, even after almost a year later. I take out his favorite colgnes from time to time, just to smell them. Music is a powerful reminder - so many songs that bring memories crashing in - good ones from parties we hosted over the years; bad ones from his song list on his iPod that he used during chemo infusions. I miss his crooked smile, his kind blue eyes, his irreverent sense of humor, his funny laugh, his soft touch, and his love. Before he got sick, he would say to me, "Oh I'll be dead LONG before you are." It always made me mad & I'd tell him that wasn't funny. I wonder if he knew something about getting sick. He fought cancer for 18 months. He had chemo, chemo clinical trial, radiation, & chemo-emolisation. He seemed to be pretty comfortable until the last month. Then things started going downhill quickly. I try so hard to only remember the good, comforting, happy memories. But the ugly, painful ones creep in & take over for awhile. My own questions, fears and doubts - was he scared the day he died? did he know what was happening? I didn't make it to the hospital in time to say goodbye. why did I decide to go in to work that day, of all days?! was I a good wife? did he know how much I truly loved him? All these things we think about and brood over. This is so hard.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1638
Joined: Aug 2009

I think time will help all of us cope a little easier. For some it may take longer than others. I talked with a lady this weekend who just passed 20 years as a widow. She told me that she still grieves for her husband at times. I think our loved ones are always with us and in our hearts. People may think we should get over losing those we love in some kind of time limit, but there really is no time limit for love. We will find ways to move forward, but our lives will be forever changed. Today was another one of those gloomy, rainy days. I never used to mind them, but now I do. This is supposed to be sunny California. I guess I don't have any control over the weather either. Life really isn't fair sometimes, but it does go on and so will we. After all, we are strong, independent women, darn it. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Take care everybody. Fay

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1561
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi llong,
Please accept my sympathies for the recent loss of your husband. I, too, lost a loved one to EC. This past March, my dad passed away. Your memories of your husband are very similar to those of my dad. I have pics of him on my cell phone. I still have "Nan and Pop" on my contact list for my parents home #. I still call his truck, dad's truck. And music oh yes! Good and bad memories there. We played How Great Thou Art and Amazing Grace at his memorial service. The song "My Way" was one of dad's favorites, he would say...that is me..i did it my way. The neat and strange thing that happened at his viewing...it was just immediate family....the funeral home plays soft instrumental music in the background....well...the two songs that played were Elvis' Love Me Tender, and My Way. Dad was a huge Elvis fan. None of us asked them to play those songs! I know that my dad wanted us to know he was ok, he played those songs. Creepy and cool all in the same way. Anyway..just wanted to share my story, and to let you know you are not alone. Of course your husband knew you loved him and that you were a wonderful wife! You told him so didn't you? I do not think they were scared the day they died. I think they were at peace. I think they were happy to be out of pain and suffering, and happy to be going to heaven. And I know they knew what was happening. My dad showed signs of knowing days before it happened. He kept telling us it was time, he would not be here for Easter, I shook his hand the morning of his passing, told him he had a strong handshake, dad told me..."That is what the Lord said".
Now you tell me.....did he know what was happening and where he was going? I think so!! Please keep in touch, you can email me through here too, if you want to. We need to stick together all of us mourners and grievers. Peace to you.
Tina

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

We are all in so much pain, I wish I could make it all go away, but it is impossible, we have to carry this heavy heart forever, how could it go away when we lost the love of our lives, We each lost half of ourselves, how do we go on only half a person, I am trying so hard, some days are a tiny bit better than others, but some days are getting worse, I don't know how much worse i can feel.
So sorry for everyones loss, really am, we each know how the others are hurting, and how lost they are.
Take good care
Karen

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