Apr 11, 2010 - 12:41 am
My husband died 6 months ago after only a short battle with Cancer. He died only 6 months after his diagnosis. He had completed a full round of chemo & radiation. He was admitted to the hospital for low oxygen and blood levels (the first "complication") since his diagnosis. He was in the hospital for 11 days total and expected to recover before things took a decided dramatic turn for the worse and he was gone. He was only in inpatient hospice for 2 days. The doctors were expecting him to be with us longer. We certainly were. At the least we expected him to come home on Hospice. I was with him for so many difficult things... every chemo... every test... horribly painful tests, all of it... I was with him when he took his last breath and he went peacefully and as odd as this sounds it was a beautiful thing... the way he passed... I also stayed with him for the hours afterwards that it took for the doctor to come and "pronounce" and watched as she did it. Perhaps this was only tramatic for me... the actual "pronouncement". I have found that those few minutes of what the doctor did to "pronounce" replays in my mind. The horrible thoughts of the doctor and that few minutes for her to do the things she did, without any visible compassion or humanity return to me over and over no matter how hard I try to keep them away. I don't obsess over them intentionally and they will stay at bay for days at a time but they creep back into my conscious thoughts. How is it that I am fighting to keep from forgetting many of the special moments we shared and concentrate to remember the sound of his voice but can't make some very painful memories go away?