Will it ever get easier? It still hurts…

New Flower
New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I went to genetic counseling today. Even my hospital and cancer center have electronic records, every time when I see a new doctor, I have to tell my story about cancer. Why doctors don’t read? I know I have a very big file. Today’s geneticist was not exception, so told how and when I discovered my tumor, the size, the surgeries, and biopsies, treatments, doctors, prognosis, and all details. I got emotional again. I was surprised and that is still so painful and not ready to being upset. It feels like time has stopped and I was brought back to the day when I was diagnosed. I forgot that I had plans after doctor’s visit and long “to do” list. I came home and could not do anything today, even did not make a dinner. Sometimes it seems so surreal, but still hurts.

How do you overcome your memories and emotions? I know healing is a long process and time will help.
Thank you for listening,
New Flower

Comments

  • lizzie17
    lizzie17 Member Posts: 548
    #2
    still hurts
    I am sorry that your visit wasn't pleasant and brought back memories. Through time, I have discovered that my ability to handle it comes and goes. When I need to address it, and can be more general---I can get away with, "I am also a cancer patient." But, having to go through all the details again and again, is heartbreaking. I pray for strength for you as you journey on.
  • jk1952
    jk1952 Member Posts: 613
    #3
    lizzie17 said:

    still hurts
    I am sorry that your visit wasn't pleasant and brought back memories. Through time, I have discovered that my ability to handle it comes and goes. When I need to address it, and can be more general---I can get away with, "I am also a cancer patient." But, having to go through all the details again and again, is heartbreaking. I pray for strength for you as you journey on.

    New Flower, I'm sorry that

    New Flower, I'm sorry that it is still so painful for you. I think that you'll find that emotions will come and go over time, but it does get better.

    When I read your post about your visit, it reminded me of my recent appointment with a new surgeon (the breast surgeon that I had been seeing for over 15 years retired). I was so impressed that she had read my file and knew everything about my 10-year breast cancer journey. I immediately liked her, and now I know why. She did the unexpected: she wanted to know all about her patient before she met with me, and that was such a blessing. I hope that you are also able to find someone like this who really wants to make things less painful for her patients.

    Joyce
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #4
    jk1952 said:

    New Flower, I'm sorry that

    New Flower, I'm sorry that it is still so painful for you. I think that you'll find that emotions will come and go over time, but it does get better.

    When I read your post about your visit, it reminded me of my recent appointment with a new surgeon (the breast surgeon that I had been seeing for over 15 years retired). I was so impressed that she had read my file and knew everything about my 10-year breast cancer journey. I immediately liked her, and now I know why. She did the unexpected: she wanted to know all about her patient before she met with me, and that was such a blessing. I hope that you are also able to find someone like this who really wants to make things less painful for her patients.

    Joyce

    Joyce, Lizzie
    Thank you for your support and help. I am much better today.
    New Flower
  • Mama G
    Mama G Member Posts: 762
    #5
    New Flower said:

    Joyce, Lizzie
    Thank you for your support and help. I am much better today.
    New Flower

    Boy you hit the nail on the head
    "Sometimes it seems so surreal, but still hurts." No truer words were ever spoken.
    I sometimes wonder if it will ever be REAL in my brain. and how do you know when that happens....
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #6
    Mama G said:

    Boy you hit the nail on the head
    "Sometimes it seems so surreal, but still hurts." No truer words were ever spoken.
    I sometimes wonder if it will ever be REAL in my brain. and how do you know when that happens....

    Mama G
    Thanks for your support. I guess the moment when we cry and grief about it becomes real.
    Wishing you the best!
    New Flower
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143
    #7
    Hi New Flower,
    I completely understand and sympathize. Telling your cancer story is a bit like reliving the experience all over again. I think what helps is time, really. Time and addressing the emotions that you do have. The suggestion to keep a journal is a really good one, I think. Talking to a counselor can really help, too. I just started seeing a therapist for similar issues last week. Just one session has really helped.

    And talking about doctors not reading your file or not remembering: I am still asked by both my surgeon and oncologist whom I have been with from the beginning: what side was your cancer on?!! Sometimes I wonder...

    Hugs,

    Mimi
  • 24242
    24242 Member Posts: 1,398
    #8
    Time
    I too am sorry for your pain,

    I too have been having to relive it all now that I am dealing more lumps. It has been 14 years since I last visited with oncologist and no electronic filing back then. I had a doctor get rid of the big file so have to wonder too if they think this helps with our confidence level.
    More of my emotions are stirred because they minimize it all as they did all those years ago. My chances were slim, but all I know is how I feel and another fast growing lump is a red flagger for me. Last time I listened to them this time I am fighting for what I need and I will tell that story till the cows come home. Tears come from feeling like they don't listen. Tears come back because I am feeling the pain and nausea I felt all those years ago, that should be enough to diagnostically test.
    I try to remember this.

    "When Native American medicine men talk to the sick, they ask these questions:
    When was the last time you sang?
    When was the last time you danced?
    When was the last time you told your story?
    When was the last time you rested in silence?"

    This is from the book The Art of Living
    Living life by the essentials of the heart
    Candy Paull
  • Different Ballgame
    Different Ballgame Member Posts: 868
    #9
    Time Heals
    Dear New Flower:

    I think the fact that you have to keep repeating your story keeps the memories and emotions more alive. Time is what heals and we all have a different time clock.

    What helps me is documenting what I feel and what I have done. When I write, I have to be very specific as to what I am feeling at that moment. Compare my computer to that of being a physcologist. Maybe writing will help you heal faster.

    I documented a brief record of everything that has happened to me and keep it updated. Documentation includes date, doctor's name, procedure, outcome. (Example: July 24, 2006, Dr. Bethke, 0 Stage DCIS, Margins not clear Double Mastectomy, Lymph nodes and breast - no further cancer cells present. July 2, 2010 Dr. O'Riodan Colonscopy - 2 polys - Next visit in 5 years. Annual Physical - Dr. Starr - October 2010. Julyu 7 2010 Annual Pap - Dr. Smooth, Pap - perfect. --- etc. etc. etc.) If the new doctor wants more depth information, he can contact the doctor who did the procedure or look into the electronic file for the information. This way, when I see a new doctor I give him/her my brief (condensed) record. If the doctor is a caring doctor, like Joyce's doctor, the doctor appreciates the condensed version (but accurate version). I even described what kind of person I am and what I see for the future. Surprisingly the two new doctors (female) really like the personal touch. This way you don't have to verbalize all that has happened to you. You can now concentrate on why you there for the visit. OH... EVERY DOCTOR VISIT - I also come in with a list of typed questions - one copy for the doctor and one copy for me.

    I also found 2 support live breat cancer support groups that meet monthly. This site is excellent but sometimes you need to express verbally what you are feeling - a give and take that is immediate. the second time around I found it is more important to talk to other women who have breast cancer (or any other cancer) than to talk to the civilian. If you ever want to talk on the telphone, send me a private message and I will give you my phne number or you can give me your phone number.

    When we post, we have to wait for a response. Some posts appeal to more sisters than other posts. That's why, I sometimes want to talk and not write.

    I am always here to listen to you.

    Lots of Hugs,
    Janelle
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #10
    24242 said:

    Time
    I too am sorry for your pain,

    I too have been having to relive it all now that I am dealing more lumps. It has been 14 years since I last visited with oncologist and no electronic filing back then. I had a doctor get rid of the big file so have to wonder too if they think this helps with our confidence level.
    More of my emotions are stirred because they minimize it all as they did all those years ago. My chances were slim, but all I know is how I feel and another fast growing lump is a red flagger for me. Last time I listened to them this time I am fighting for what I need and I will tell that story till the cows come home. Tears come from feeling like they don't listen. Tears come back because I am feeling the pain and nausea I felt all those years ago, that should be enough to diagnostically test.
    I try to remember this.

    "When Native American medicine men talk to the sick, they ask these questions:
    When was the last time you sang?
    When was the last time you danced?
    When was the last time you told your story?
    When was the last time you rested in silence?"

    This is from the book The Art of Living
    Living life by the essentials of the heart
    Candy Paull

    Thank you ladies for your support
    " Time will help" have been telling myself, but to my surprise I feel opposite. I was much stronger at the time of my diagnosis and during invasive treatment, than I feel now. Probably because 20 moths after my diagnosis I still have to deal with side effects of treatments or being on Tamoxifen ... Yes, I have had a dairy and had intensions of writing a book about my journey, but recently I realize that it is hard, almost impossible to go back and live through BC again.
    What strike me the most after the doctor's visit on Tuesday that for several hours the world of normal live has disappeared I was returned back in time to the world breast cancer. These two worlds like parallel dimensions and they are separate from each other.
    I told my story many times and several time on this board (see my page). Last time I sang several months ago and should do it more often I danced on New Year eve.
    I appreciate each day and always have positive attitude and I wish every doctor's appointment will not remind me about my medical history.

    Thank you for listening again,
    I love you all,
    New Flower
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #11
    Different Ballgame said:

    Time Heals
    Dear New Flower:

    I think the fact that you have to keep repeating your story keeps the memories and emotions more alive. Time is what heals and we all have a different time clock.

    What helps me is documenting what I feel and what I have done. When I write, I have to be very specific as to what I am feeling at that moment. Compare my computer to that of being a physcologist. Maybe writing will help you heal faster.

    I documented a brief record of everything that has happened to me and keep it updated. Documentation includes date, doctor's name, procedure, outcome. (Example: July 24, 2006, Dr. Bethke, 0 Stage DCIS, Margins not clear Double Mastectomy, Lymph nodes and breast - no further cancer cells present. July 2, 2010 Dr. O'Riodan Colonscopy - 2 polys - Next visit in 5 years. Annual Physical - Dr. Starr - October 2010. Julyu 7 2010 Annual Pap - Dr. Smooth, Pap - perfect. --- etc. etc. etc.) If the new doctor wants more depth information, he can contact the doctor who did the procedure or look into the electronic file for the information. This way, when I see a new doctor I give him/her my brief (condensed) record. If the doctor is a caring doctor, like Joyce's doctor, the doctor appreciates the condensed version (but accurate version). I even described what kind of person I am and what I see for the future. Surprisingly the two new doctors (female) really like the personal touch. This way you don't have to verbalize all that has happened to you. You can now concentrate on why you there for the visit. OH... EVERY DOCTOR VISIT - I also come in with a list of typed questions - one copy for the doctor and one copy for me.

    I also found 2 support live breat cancer support groups that meet monthly. This site is excellent but sometimes you need to express verbally what you are feeling - a give and take that is immediate. the second time around I found it is more important to talk to other women who have breast cancer (or any other cancer) than to talk to the civilian. If you ever want to talk on the telphone, send me a private message and I will give you my phne number or you can give me your phone number.

    When we post, we have to wait for a response. Some posts appeal to more sisters than other posts. That's why, I sometimes want to talk and not write.

    I am always here to listen to you.

    Lots of Hugs,
    Janelle

    Janelle
    Thank you for your offer to call you. I agree meet pink sisters in person very beneficial. Talking is different than writing.
    Sending Big hug back
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #12
    mimivac said:

    Hi New Flower,
    I completely understand and sympathize. Telling your cancer story is a bit like reliving the experience all over again. I think what helps is time, really. Time and addressing the emotions that you do have. The suggestion to keep a journal is a really good one, I think. Talking to a counselor can really help, too. I just started seeing a therapist for similar issues last week. Just one session has really helped.

    And talking about doctors not reading your file or not remembering: I am still asked by both my surgeon and oncologist whom I have been with from the beginning: what side was your cancer on?!! Sometimes I wonder...

    Hugs,

    Mimi

    Hi Mimi
    Thanks. I am wonder too. They do not ask on what side because it is obvious in my case what side, but they ask me :how many years since your surgery? I saw two different phycologist who are suppose to help cancer patients, They were useless and made me cry insisting that crying is good for me.
    I wish you luck with your therapist and who knows maybe fly to Washington DC to a specialist.
    Thank you for your support.
    Hugs back,
    New
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #13
    24242 said:

    Time
    I too am sorry for your pain,

    I too have been having to relive it all now that I am dealing more lumps. It has been 14 years since I last visited with oncologist and no electronic filing back then. I had a doctor get rid of the big file so have to wonder too if they think this helps with our confidence level.
    More of my emotions are stirred because they minimize it all as they did all those years ago. My chances were slim, but all I know is how I feel and another fast growing lump is a red flagger for me. Last time I listened to them this time I am fighting for what I need and I will tell that story till the cows come home. Tears come from feeling like they don't listen. Tears come back because I am feeling the pain and nausea I felt all those years ago, that should be enough to diagnostically test.
    I try to remember this.

    "When Native American medicine men talk to the sick, they ask these questions:
    When was the last time you sang?
    When was the last time you danced?
    When was the last time you told your story?
    When was the last time you rested in silence?"

    This is from the book The Art of Living
    Living life by the essentials of the heart
    Candy Paull

    24242
    Thank you for your support and words of encouragement. I you I have discovered an underarm lump myself at the age of 46 in 2008. I was diagnosed with stage IIIC. It took me almost a year to overcome a fear of self-examination. While I still experience after treatment fatigue and having lymphedema and pain in my affected arm, I am doing well. Your story is inspiration to all of us and I wishing you that your new lumps has nothing to with cancer.
    I will be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts to your way.
    New flower

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