friends and co-worker issues

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jphilpo

Posts: 163
Joined: Mar 2010

March 20, 2010 - 4:51pm

I am really new to this site & so grateful for it! I have finished my treatments for stage 2 cancer ,chemo & rads. I am now in discussion about reconstruction.

I work in the front office of an elementary school and am surrounded by caring parents and co-workers who ask all the time how I am. My problem is my office mate. We are friends, but I have noticed a change in her behavior towards me. When the topic comes up about how I look,(my hair is growing in), she becomes quiet. If I get flowers or even a gift card from Starbucks, she makes a comment. She recently had her gallbladder removed & commented that she didn't get any notice because of it. I have had some"chemo brain" issues which are really hard for me. I have to repeatedly remind her that I am doing the best I can.

I also had a very close friend who called me a few times after my diagnosis. She cried each time & was very much a downer. Now, she doesn't call at all. It's been months. She wasn't there for me at all during chemo or anything. I know that some people just can't handle friends with cancer, but I just don't know how to handle my friend at work or the loss of a "dear" friend. Anyone have the same issues?

TraciInLA

Posts: 1505
Joined: Jul 2009

March 20, 2010 - 5:16pm

We've all had similar experiences

Welcome, and thank you for jumping in and sharing your experiences.

One of the wisest things I read throughout my experience was by Idelle Davidson in the book Your Brain After Chemo -- A Practical Guide to Lifting the Fog and Getting Back Your Focus:

"Cancer doesn't define you. It defines your friends and family."

Can I get an AMEN?!?

I think most of us here have had at least one close friend or family member just "drop off the planet," as I call it, at some point during our treatment. There are so many reasons: It's just too difficult to be around someone with cancer, it scares them to think it could be them next, "compassion fatigue" when we're still in treatment after months and months....I didn't say they were *good* reasons! :-)

In my case, I had two friends who dropped off the planet shortly after my surgery, and were completely absent during chemo and radiation. I've had to look at each friendship individually, and decide whether or not the relationship is worth it to me to sit down and have an honest talk with them about why they pulled away and how it made me feel. I decided that one of the friendships is worth it, but the other isn't.

The most important thing is to keep reminding yourself that IT'S THEIR PROBLEM, it's nothing you've done or didn't do, and it's much more about THEIR hangups and fears and ego than it is about you or your friendship.

As for your co-worker -- she just sounds really petty for being "jealous" that you get all the attention, while her poor gallbladder didn't get any love! Any chance you're within driving distance of Los Angeles? I'd be glad to come slap her for you!

Traci

aztec45

Posts: 759
Joined: Jul 2009

March 20, 2010 - 5:36pm

Amen, Sister.

dyaneb123

Posts: 964
Joined: May 2009

March 20, 2010 - 6:05pm

I love that line Traci Think

I love that line Traci
Think I'll steal it for my FB page! I just went through my own friend trauma when I had to go for outpatient surgery to have my expander removed and the implant put in. All those "friends" who just keep repeating the " just tell me what I can do" mantra...wow!
How quickly they disappear when you actually need something!One canceled on me for work, one was going out of town, one was doing training to be a Cencus Taker, all legit reasons to bail ...but don't ask me what I need if you don't want to help when I need it! Anyway, the census taker friend came through in the end and all was well, but boy did I guilt the hell out of the others!Now every acquaintance in our circle is calling and asking what they an bring me.LOL! Anyway back to the initial discussion..your coworker is
really being insensitive and selfish. I've had my gall bladder removed and I've had cancer.
They are not comparable conditions. But since she is obviously feeling unappreciated, take the next opportunity(birthday, anniver.) and get all the coworkers to go in on a little gift for her if you really consider her a friend you want to keep.

Different Ballgame

Posts: 733
Joined: Jan 2010

March 23, 2010 - 10:27am

Made Me Laugh

Traci,

Your last paragraph made me laugh. We are so protective of our sisters!!!!!!

Hugs,
janelle

Wolfi

Posts: 423
Joined: Aug 2009

March 30, 2010 - 11:36pm

Slap her for you.....

Traci,

Your post made me laugh. The line about cancer defining your friends and family is so true. I ended up with a few very good friends after they found out I had cancer. Many family members and "old" friends dropped off the face of the earth before, during or after treatment, but I still have the few who stuck with me the whole time (my husband being one of them).

I don't live anywhere near Los Angeles, but I may be persuaded to fly there just to see you slap the gallbladder co-worker. (Just kidding - but it is a funny image in my mind).

Aortus

Posts: 968
Joined: Jan 2009

March 20, 2010 - 5:24pm

GALL BLADDER?

I had my gall bladder removed four years ago. Yes, it had been causing me a lot of pain from time to time. But one December morning I walked into the hospital - and about mid afternoon I was wheeled out minus my gall bladder. In maybe three days I was my old bad self again. A mere drop in the bucket - hell, a mere drop in the oil tanker - compared with what my beloved Moopy went through with her mastectomy, chemo, and radiation.

I wish I could offer you some helpful advice - but I can tell you from my personal experience as a gall bladder patient, your coworker has NOTHING to whine about.

TraciInLA

Posts: 1505
Joined: Jul 2009

March 20, 2010 - 5:31pm

Aortus,

I've always known how valuable your knowledge and experience and perspective is to us on this board....but who knew that even your gallbladder would come in handy? Truly a Renaissance Man, you are!

:-) Traci

m_azingrace

Posts: 408
Joined: Jul 2009

March 20, 2010 - 5:37pm

Rant

How old is your co-worker? She sounds very immature to me, even if she might be chronologically an "adult". She should be counting her blessings that all she had was gall bladder surgery. And she should look on the bright side, that she doesn't have to be monitored for 5 years before she's declared "cured". And she should be happy that no matter what else happens in her life, she doesn't have to live with the constant fear of recurrance. Her gall bladder is gone forever, and good riddance. It's not like it's something she would miss...like a normal breast for instance.
So, okay, maybe she's having some "attention deficit disorder". It's not your fault. And I dare say, wouldn't any one of us offer to trade places with her if we could? She can have my stage IV diagnosis, and all that goes with it, and I'll take the little 1" scar in my navel. Sound good to me.

susanleeann

Posts: 58
Joined: Feb 2010

March 21, 2010 - 11:05pm

i wonder how sad her life is

i wonder how sad her life is that she sounds jealous of someone with cancer. sad and immature. sad, immature and unaware of her blessings.

aztec45

Posts: 759
Joined: Jul 2009

March 20, 2010 - 5:37pm

Aortus

Aortus. I love ya. You always tell it like it is.

CarrWilson

Posts: 113
Joined: Feb 2010

March 20, 2010 - 5:43pm

Gallbladder

Your post made me chuckle. I have repeatedly said if it "was just my gallbladder, take it out." The decision would be so easy. Not to minimize your surgery, but it is so frustrating to have to make so many decisions and not know if you are making the right one!

In my case, I think it is very interesting to see who has rallied and supported me, and who has backed away. You can only control your own reactions, and everyone else has the option of how they will react. Your coworkers may come back once they feel you are "normal" again, everyone feels different about illness, some feel jealous of the attention you are getting and some just don't know what to do. I know I feel differently now about some friends, and some people that I thought were my friends.

Best of Luck, gather your supporters close. - Carrie

jphilpo

Posts: 163
Joined: Mar 2010

March 20, 2010 - 5:44pm

WOW!

Thanks to you all for responding. I am sitting here smiling, which feels SO GOOD! I try everyday to put a smile on my face and be as upbeat as possible about things.. It's been a hard year & it just feels good to know that these thoughts of mine are not selfish. Thank you all.

e_hope

Posts: 372
Joined: Sep 2009

March 21, 2010 - 7:04pm

AORTUS... that was the

AORTUS... that was the funnest post.. that totally made my day..

susanleeann

Posts: 58
Joined: Feb 2010

March 21, 2010 - 11:02pm

two days before my scheduled

two days before my scheduled lumpectomy, i had an very acute gall bladder attack. my oncologist and my surgeon both recommended gall bladder out before cancer. what if i had another attack during chemo. at that point infected gall bladder much more threatening than my cancer. got over gb surgery easy, lumpectomy went ok too, now in chemo. nothing is ever simple. gotta wonder what else life has waiting for me.

cats_toy

Posts: 1471
Joined: Feb 2009

March 24, 2010 - 4:26pm

GallBladder

funny Joe, and yes, the co-worker sounds like a jealous twit because she doesn't get as much attention.
I had my gallbladder removed 20 years ago, and believe me, it wasn't easy. I was in so much pain the doc gave me morphine,and set me up for surgery the same day.Cut me open from sternum to the bottom of my ribcage. The gallbladder was so infected, it was attacking my liver and the doc came into recovery scolding me for how long it took me to get looked at, with the pain I had to be in....but, that is not how most people get them removed is it... dummy me...
Cat.

aztec45

Posts: 759
Joined: Jul 2009

March 20, 2010 - 5:41pm

It's Hard

You know it is hard. This is probably the hardest thing for me about cancer other than losing my hair - the change in family and friends. Some can't deal with it; some try to act like it is as common as the cold; some are jeolous of the attention you get; some try to help but can't go the distance; some are supportive until you interfere with their schedules and on and on. It hurts. But I try to think about the people who have been there for me from the beginning. To me, these people will always stay in my heart and to hell with the rest.

Welcome and hang in there.

KayNYC

Posts: 499
Joined: Mar 2010

March 20, 2010 - 6:44pm

beginning to have similar experiences with friends and family

Earlier this month, when I learned of my diagnosis and I disclosed it to family and friends, I found a range of differences in the way those close to me reacted. My only sibling compared my condition to her having cervical spine problems that were cured 20 years ago by surgery.She remarked that "no one made a big deal" or appeared to "care" back when she could have used more attention. She called back to ask what this "meant" in terms of her own health and likelihood of getting cancer asking if perhaps this was in some way my own fault, taking HRT years ago for menopausal symptoms.
Coworkers were varied in their responses and now that I am home on medical leave for another week, following my surgery, some have been my biggest supporters while others are clearly absent.
Several very old and dear friends that I have had limited regular contact with since we worked together years ago, have been calling and emailing daily. We are renewing our friendships and we have planned meetings and visits this week.One of those former coworkers, never mentioned before her own health crisis and treatment for breast cancer two years ago until she called me after hearing about my surgery this week. I have to confess, I felt terrible that she never told me about her own health challenge.
A cancer diagnosis clearly makes people uncomfortable. Some don't know what to say or do and they feel helpless and try to avoid the situation. This is just acceptance of what is and not necessarily, approval or judgement of the rightfulness or wrongness of their behaviors. I am new on this journey and right now, I am accepting the support from those that can provide it and accepting too that some just don't have the readiness or the resources to do so.
K

sbmly53

Posts: 1221
Joined: Jan 2010

March 20, 2010 - 6:04pm

I've had my gallbladder

I've had my gallbladder removed and had bc. In a million years (pre BC) I never would have been so petty as to begrudge or compare my illness to someone elses. Heck, even now having had a lumpectomy and radiation, I am in AWE of the wonderful, wise and warm sisters (& brothers) on this site who have gone thru (and still going thru) so very much more.

Your co-worker is a very small person. As for your friends, I'm ashamed to say that I have been a person who wasn't there for others at times, mostly because I just didn't know what to say or do. Now I know it only takes a minute to make a call or drop a note, email and maybe a meal or treat, no matter how simple, is so very much appreciated. I have learned alot - don't give up on them yet.

Sue

chenheart

Posts: 5171
Joined: Apr 2003

March 20, 2010 - 6:49pm

Your experience is not uncommon.....

Your experience is not ( sadly) uncommon at all...I will bump up a post entitled "Welcome To Hogwarts" which might just give you some needed insight !

Hang in there sister!

Hugs,
Chen♥

Skeezie

Posts: 574
Joined: Aug 2009

March 20, 2010 - 7:16pm

Hooray for Traci!

If I didn't live in Michigan, I'd come along and hold her while you slapped her!

I love your definition tho. How true. I'm retired so didn't have to deal with day to day co-workers who sometimes at best can be trying. I feel very blessed that I didn't experience any pulling away of friends or family, maybe because I'm older and many of my freinds are mid 40's to 70's and have already experienced tragedy in their lives and have already been "tested" or maybe because my illness didn't get in the way of their lives. My hubby, Ralph, took care of me in everyway so no one had to actually "do" anything. I was able to hold it together (thanks to Ativan) when I spoke with anyone and although I was very serious about it, I was able to be positive. All the tears fell to poor Ralph to deal with. I wasn't acting, I always felt up and postiive around people. When I felt fragile, I didn't go out. But I did have one niece who had just been thru bc, and went thru much more than me, kind of fade out. But I think she is still trying to get back to her normal and couldn't face dealing with this so close up just a few months out of her treatment and big time depression. So it's more than ok.

Gallbladder?!?!? Are you kidding me? I had an infected gallbladder and was in the hosp for 5 days after surgery on iv antibiotics and it was no big deal. This girl is very immature to be jealous. But to keep the peace, I would do something nice for her, it's no skin off your teeth and will probably make you feel good to see her immature ridiculous little face lite up. If most of your friends and co-workers weren't so caring about you, she wouldn't feel so left out, so you have some pretty good buds, the others will either come back when it's "safe" and if not, they weren't freinds anyway so good riddance.

I hope you feel better and can get some encouragement from all your sister's here on this board.

Hugs, Judy :-)

aisling8

Posts: 944
Joined: Feb 2010

March 20, 2010 - 9:26pm

Hmmm...

It's a two-hour drive from San Diego to Los Angeles, but hey, Traci, I'm in a slapping mood...

I hear all of you -- people come out of the woodwork to support you and they also disappear into said woodwork. I went through this years ago when my son had a brain tumor and I took it oh so personally back then -- could be cause I'm a mom and felt protective. I'm older now, hopefully wiser, and I accept what's given and let people have their fears and foibles.

Thanks for starting this thread cause it's all too common.

Love to you all,
Victoria

Cairmaid

Posts: 64
Joined: Feb 2010

March 20, 2010 - 11:43pm

m_azing grace's good idea

If it were me, I would ask that co-worker if she would like to trade places, and tell her I'd gladly trade places with her. But, that's just me. Maybe her gallbladder surgery is the most serious illness she's ever faced and she doesn't have a clue.

My co-workers have been great. The ones who were never friends are still not friends, but they haven't changed, at least. The ones who are friends brought me food, a basket of goodies, chocolate...heck, even the temp worker who took my place for the month I was off gave me a Pink fleece hoodie (Victoria's Secret, no less). I suppose it's because all of them have had someone in their lives with a serious illness or injury, and they know how it can turn your world upside down.

e_hope

Posts: 372
Joined: Sep 2009

March 21, 2010 - 7:01pm

i was once told by a fellow

i was once told by a fellow sister... you will find out who your real friends are at the end of this.... They are the few who when you look to the right and left are still by your side. I found everyone is there in the beginning and as time wore on the numbers dropped over the months of treatment.

As for your co-worker.... OMG.... get real, ask her next time if she'd like to TRADE, then she can have the attention!!!! I know i would gladly give up My breast cancer for a little gall bladder issue, in a heartbeat!

I think we have ALL had our issues with those people who don't know how to handle what we're going through.. and yes, even the ones a little jealous of the attention we're getting.

I personally, just don't really bother with the "friends" who couldn't stand by my side, but at the end of the day. If you really miss your friend, reach out to her and see what kind of response you get. Maybe she is just scared of what's happening to you...

carkris

Posts: 4057
Joined: Aug 2009

March 21, 2010 - 7:37pm

I have had both and trust me

I have had both and trust me BC is way worse for reasons I dont need to elaborate. Like preaching to the choir. I have had a couple of people drop off, my best freind since I was 16 and my next door neighbor. I am too tired to wonder why. and i dont know what I will do. I know my neighbor feels quilty because she hasnt been around and that makes it worse, the more quilty they feel the more they stay away. I told her that I was to sick to have people around, but whatever. the funniest thing is a relative is JEALOUS of my significant weight loss. (from being too sick to eat) my husband was like "jealous of your cancer?" I just done get it, I'm not sad to lose the weight because I needed to, but how weak I am is not fun. oh well, people are weird.

Different Ballgame

Posts: 733
Joined: Jan 2010

March 23, 2010 - 10:52am

Different Tactic

After reading all the responses to this post, I am thinking that (1) yes, she is jealous that you have received all the attention and she has not (2) you are co-workers and it is a more pleasant atmosphere to be amicable (3) be the bigger person. Why don't you do something nice for her - like give her a card or plant or flowers with a note stating that you wanted to brighten her day - then see how she reacts (4) if she still reacts negatively, write her off but be polite and businesslike when communicating with her. You don't have to give her your warmth. (5)however, if that one act of kindness from you works and made her feel special and she is warmer/nicer to you, then your days at the office are going to be much more pleasant.

There is a saying by Joe Pollaro that I sometimes repeat, "Don't confuse my kindness for weakness." You can be kind and strong, but that does not mean that you are a pushover.

Let us know what you do.

Hugs,
Janelle

natly15

Posts: 1860
Joined: Sep 2009

March 24, 2010 - 10:21pm

Your work mate seems to be a

Your work mate seems to be a very needy person. As so many suggested reach out to her with some random act of kindness. You are dealing with BC and she is dealing with the lack of attention and affirmation, poor soul that she is.

I like so many things Traci said. I particularly like that "compassion fatigue" comment. We are not dealing with an operation simple or complicated. You have the surgery, you heal, and your good to go again. Cancer is so different. It is a series of treatments over a period of time. Unfortunately, it doesnt work like surgery for gall bladder, hip replacement, knee surgery etc. People dont understand what we are going thru or have gone thru for treatment. They quit calling because our answers are usually the same. We are still in treatment, either having reactions, or fatigued. We'll be better when we are better and that can be a while. We only wish we could say we are healed after our first treatment. I think thats what some people want to hear.

Any complaints I have are limited to sharing with my husband or these boards. Frankly, I'm really tired of hearing about everyone else's problems. People are so darn needy and I dont have the energy to listen to them anymore. My true friends are very few I have learned thru this cancer process. This is my fault but I have been a sounding board for others' for a very long time. They could care less about me and what I'm going thru. I'm tired of hearing about their backaches, sore ankles and broken marriages. I've allowed it thru the years and now I can see what it has done for me-- not much. I'm grateful for those very few who are true and really do care. I'd like to tell some of those others exactly what I think but I will not.

fauxma

Posts: 3292
Joined: Dec 2008

March 24, 2010 - 11:23pm

Sometimes I can come up with

Sometimes I can come up with a snappy retort for these people, always too late and I actually never really could reply that way (although it would be nice). In this case, my imaginary conversation would be to tell that coworker how hard you know it must be for her to see you with all the attention and that you would gladly trade places so that she can be the "center of attention". Gosh, that made me feel better, how about you? But because you have to continue working with her and a hostile work environment is not at all pleasant, perhaps you could simply say that you are sorry she had surgery and you know how tough that is and hope she is mending and doing better. Perhaps that is all she really wants anyone to say. It isn't the same, of course, and the life long ramifications from having cancer leave us with that little cancer voice in the back of our heads but she would never understand that. Perhaps she is only feeling that no one cares that she had surgery or how she is doing. Immature, yes, childish, certainly, justified, not at all. She may feel that people like you more or care more about you because they show concern for you and they didn't for her. She can't really see the difference between a surgery that fixes a problem and it's done and over and a surgery that involves other treatment with side effects and the lifeline possibility of recurrence. I would simply be courteous and cordial. If she has further surgery, give her flowers and kind words. If she has a birthday, a nice card and good wishes. I, personally, would not buy into her poor me attitude. There are other good suggestions here and hopefully you will find one that works for you.
My prayers are for your continued healing and if you receive good wishes, cards, and gifts then so much the better. Anything that lifts the spirit is good.
Stef

fauxma

Posts: 3292
Joined: Dec 2008

March 31, 2010 - 12:43pm

It is appalling that they

It is appalling that they are so insensitive. It is bad enough that they have not shown any care when you had cancer or when you had surgery but to say such ignorant things is just inexcusable. I totally understand why you did this surgery. I have had several cancers and after testing have found that I have a syndrome that contributed to most of them. I have an increased chance (60 to 80%) for colon cancer and had given thought to having my colon removed (it is a viable option). I would hate to make the descision to do this and have people question my choice or call me stupid. They have never had cancer. They don't walk in my shoes. So I say that you made a courageous choice that was right for you and they need to shut the H E L L up. You did was was right for you.
Stef

jphilpo

Posts: 163
Joined: Mar 2010

March 31, 2010 - 6:30pm

M-star

My heart just breaks for you! When I started this thread , I thought I was the only one& maybe it was something I was doing. Thank God for all the wonderful ladies & men who support us. It so hurts when people we know let us down. Hopefully, you will find a new place to work. Your picture is beautiful! They don't deserve you!

heidijez

Posts: 446
Joined: Mar 2010

March 31, 2010 - 1:42pm

This is such a wonderful

This is such a wonderful place to be! Just when I think I am the only one dealing with certain issues (friend and coworker and family), here I know I am not alone! Not one of my siblings has come to visit me, or driven my mom down to see me, or sent a get well card. One of my nieces decided I was lying to my mother about having cancer and posted some really nasty stuff on facebook! Good Grief!!!

I had friends who when I was first diagnosed were all over me - not a peep out of them for the past three months when I could have really used them!

I also work in an elementary school - my assistant does not have one pinch of understanding or compassion in her - and gets extremely annoyed when school families stop to talk to me, asking how I am doing, and what can they do for me.

My mother thinks we are the only dysfunctional family - I reassure her that we are not - there are plenty of others out there.

I am going for my sixth chemo tomorrow - and my family thinks that means I am done. My journey has just started - more chemo, radiation and mastectomy are in my future - but they think I will be back to normal after tomorrow and am holding a pity party for myself since I will not be able to have Easter at my house like I always do! Sheesh!!!!

MyTurnNow

Posts: 2642
Joined: Aug 2009

March 31, 2010 - 1:49pm

Heidi, maybe you could

Heidi, maybe you could suggest that one of them sit in for you tomorrow for chemo while you get things ready for Easter at your house. That may work to shut them up!! LOL. I have met some wonderful individuals as I have been through my journey with this dreaded disease and I have also met some not so desirable folks along with way. Luckily, the good far outway the bad. Take care.

jayjune

Posts: 6
Joined: Apr 2010

April 15, 2010 - 4:21pm

good friends stay

hi jphilpo i know how u feel. but the truth remains your true friends never leave u. i am going to be 25 in june i had a boyfriend since i was almost 20 but guess what i asked him to let his parents know i got diagnosed with breast cancer the second time. just so his family is aware and not feel like i trapped their son cos him and i were talking about getting married this year. when i got diagnosed at 22 had a mastectomy he said he was ok with it but when i had a recurrence at 24 thats when i asked him to tell his parents but they told him not to even think about it. so my boyfriend of 5 yrs broke up with me and in 2 weeks was with someone else this is someone that wanted to marry me the betrayal was shocking but all am trying to say is it hurts to see ur friends do that but in the end it shows u who r interested in ur warefare truely. so dont let anyone get u down keep fighting cos u r a winner sister. lots of hugs!

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friends and co-worker issues