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What to do when husband will not accept his condition?

lindadanis
Posts: 267
Joined: Nov 2009

As you all know, ed is doing more chemo since his last three rounds did nothing, he has lost about 90 pounds and is seriously depressed. At xmas, he asked if I would buy him a motorcycle (remember he has not driven one iin 35 years) and I said "maybe, after chemo and see if you get stronger and gain weight"., well, the big problem here is he is not speaking to me at all for three days because "I will not buy him a bike"., a big bike. I told him he is still in chemo, has lost alot of weight since xmas and the size he wants he would not be able to ride., in fact, I am very nervous that not only could he not drive it, but that he would hurt himself or someone else on the road, so he is pissed off to say the least.
What am I to do, ignore it, my poor 22 year old daughter is caught up in the middle and does not want to upset her dad but thinks a bike is not the answer.
Please help, I am living under tremdous stress and my body is feeling it.

Linda

tb7
Posts: 57
Joined: Sep 2009

Hi Linda! I don't know where you live, but it is possible to rent a motorcycle. Maybe doing so would satisfy your husband for a day or so . . . might also convince him that it is not such a good idea to purchase one. For that matter, you might consider going shopping for one . . . that might also convince him not to pursue it, due to cost and difficulty of riding. My heart goes out to you. If you want to rent a bike, try an internet search for "motorcycle rentals" and see what you can find. Good luck to you!

K_ann1015's picture
K_ann1015
Posts: 555
Joined: Aug 2009

tb7 might have the idea here Linda! But you had a good point---not only could he hurt himself---but others...so..the other thing I might dd if you "rented" one--is to only use in a vacant parking lot at first "so he could practice" a bit.

But I also have wondered since you first posted this...about how terribly depressed he is...and wanting to get such a big bike...do you think he might want to hurt himself with it? (Reliving old glory days?) That really puts too much stress on YOU---I think you should ask the Dr. or hospital to give you the social workers phone # to help advise & support you... For the health of all of your family---you deserve some guidance in this---then your hubby can't blame it all on you.
I'll keep you & your family in my prayers...
Kim

Lylesmyprince's picture
Lylesmyprince
Posts: 140
Joined: Feb 2010

I don't know if you can rent a motorcycle without having a motorcycle license. Maybe he can work towards getting his license...study, take the test, pass it...that would buy you some time with him, yet, make him feel like he is moving forward. Sorry you are dealing with the depression...hang in there...you are doing a good job!

Susie

lindadanis
Posts: 267
Joined: Nov 2009

no, he does not want to rent, we already spoke about that, we looked at bikes last week and the size he is demanding is way way too big, like I said, he has not been on a bike for over 35 years, he did go up and get his permit to ride a bike., yes, I am very concerned about this subject, not only for him but for others, he is a very very stubborn man and I am really hurt that all his energy is going on this subject, what about me and our daughter? what about finances? we have had no income since he left his job last october, if it were not for my mother, my mortgage would not be getting paid. I am getting to be very very resentful.
I had a visiting nurse come in a few weeks ago and he got so mad, he told me to get rid of her., so I do not know how to get a social worker involved without making matters worse.
should I bring up this subject to the oncologist tomorrow? I feel that with all the sick people that he deals with everyday, this subject is very very small to him. He recently told eddie that he was the worse patient he has ever deal with in his career. I think he meant that he is just so mad, not doing what he should like drink and eat, that he actually got the doctor mad., so bringing up this subject seems very stupid to me. The tension in this house is so thick you could cut it. I feel that after being married almost 25 years, that we should of been talking about much more serious subjects and this is the reason I am resentful. Do I have this right, how do I get around this problem. I hate getting up today knowing that this is another day in my home????
thanks everyone.

K_ann1015's picture
K_ann1015
Posts: 555
Joined: Aug 2009

Linda, I went to sleep thinking of your situation--and I started to get a little mad (but it is not place to do so) but I thought how it seems so selfish that he is so focused on the bike and not caring about you or your daughter's feelings, fears, worries etc. But maybe his anger is the only thin he can grasp at this point...that doesn't make it right. I don't have any wisdom at this point. Normally it seems obvious that you should talk to the doctor---maybe even slip him a note about the situation. But then how would he bring it up without t your husband knowing you told him? And of course YOU have to go home with him and deal with repercussions.

Does he have any make family members that he respects that just take him out--to a movie, or anything to get out of the hose a bit. Maybe if he starts talking about the bike--someone else will tell him what you've tried to tell him?

This is not fair for you to deal with. There has to be something we all can think of to help---we'll have to put our thinking caps on.. But you need a BREAK!!!!
take it hour by hour,
Kim

mumphy's picture
mumphy
Posts: 486
Joined: Jun 2009

Hi Linda,

You are in a sticky situation you want to please your husband but you don't want him to hurt himself or anyone else.

I would ask the Dr. when you are at an appt. what he thinks. Your husband is not thinking clearly at all. He has chemo brain thats what I call it along with the medications. So the
Dr. would say absolutly not.

What I did with Al when he was giving me a hard time is I would call the Dr. a head of time
so he would know whats going on and then the social worker would come up and say she needed to talk to me and that would leave them alone to discuss things alone. It makes the Dr. the bad guy not you or your daughter because he has to sign the papers for him to get his lisence.

Just a thought. Also I do think that everyone is right you need a break. You and your daughter maybe some retail therapy, but you need something.

God Bless,
Kath

Jacque101's picture
Jacque101
Posts: 75
Joined: Dec 2009

Reading all these post...esp from Linda. Have your husband start figuring out the financing on that bike. Who is going to loan him $$ w/out a job. At least that might get the monkey off your back. Be interested in what he wants...but tell him it's his baby while you are figuring the morgage payments. I remember my mom wanting to drive..when she couldn't...and I kept stealing her car keys as soon as they were missing (she thought she was losing them), she was able to have someone come make new keys. In the end, I had about 20 sets of keys to her car. I don't think she would have driven, but she sure needed those keys to feel independent. Once I even told her if she wanted to drive, I had good insurance she could drive my car. Oh no...she said she might wreck my car...I said...but you said you wouldn't have a wreck if you got to drive. That ended the conversation for a long time.

My daughter, a nurse, said "only give a patient, parent, husband, two choices. And those choices need to be something you could live with". Let him make the decision..but make sure they are reachable choices in his mind. Like: You want a bank loan or finance company loan? Knowing yourself that both are impossible. Good Luck.

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