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Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

We had some friends out today and one of my friends said that since all of my treatments are over now, I can just go back to being the old me again. I just smiled and said yea, sure. Why can't people understand that I don't think I can go back to the old me, that I have changed, and probably not in a good way for now. I finished rads just a few months ago and I still feel lost. I still feel like I am kind of in a queary as to how do I forget about a recurrence, how do I just not think of my bc everyday. How do I not look at her or any of my other girlfriends and just say why, why me. Guess I am just feeling a little down and like others on here, needed to write this down. I will get past this, it just upset me that she thought I can go back to how I was before my bc, because I can't, no matter how hard I try. Thanks for reading this.

Megan

Balentine's picture
Balentine
Posts: 393
Joined: Feb 2010

I am overwhelmed by this one post how many have flocked here and this one post of Grrrrrrrrrrrr! is why we are all here......for comfort, strength, support and most of all UNDERSTANDING....no one and I mean no one who has not walked this road with us can fathom in their minds or hearts what this feels like....no one but God. He understands us and it altogether and is aquainted with all of our infirmities. It seems like most days now all I can do is go from my bible to this network and then back to my bible because my heart and mind and my health need a constant source of replenishing healing flow. That flow can only come from the sources of strength that only begin with having the experience themselves or someone who is omnipotent...all knowing which is God. Remember that God's word says that even the hairs on our head are numbered...He knows every single hair that everyone of us has lost and knows our deepest sorrows throughout our journeys. He has promised to carry us through this and bring us to a stronger place in our lives...a place where we can help the next victim of this horrible disease. So here we are....her for one another and I thank God for every one of you. May God bless each of you with His peace...a peace that passes all understanding. Speaking of source of replenishing healing flow...I extend to you the scripture from Revelations 21:6...I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts. He who overcomes shall inherit all things and I will be his God and he shall be My son.
Love and hugs,
Lorrie Balentine

Flakey_Flake's picture
Flakey_Flake
Posts: 130
Joined: Jan 2010

Balentine

This is my first reading of this thread. Thank you so much for bringing God into the picture. He has brought me through so very many trials, and after each one, I have been changed. It is God's way.

I have just finished chemo and rads. My hair isn't quite ready for public display, but have a tendancy to pop off the head cover when one of those hot flashes come. I am between here and there.

When friends hear that I have passed a few milestones in this journey, the also say "Aren't you glad to get back to normal?" I have no problem saying to them "Yes, but it is a new normal." and then go on to explain that one never is the same after something like this. It isn't hard to find correlations - childbirth, divorce, death of parents, defeating an addiction, so many things bring us to a new existance. It is all a part of growth, and change is a part of life. I will never be ashamed of my changes. And they hae been many and profound. But they are all a part of me, and a part of me that God loves. Does the many plants and animals God created complain about the changes they go through? They stand with confidence in how they are, and never apologize for bearing fruit, or growing taller, or going from co**** to beautiful butterfly. Change is how we grow and become better. (well, hopefully better) People try to bring us up by saying that our lives are "back to normal." They don't understand, and I didn't understand this whole cancer thing until I went through it. Now I do. I have changed, and it is all for the better. I have experienced something that I can use to help others. Change is a difficult thing for us. But it is a neccesary thing or else we would become nothing more than stagnant pond scum. I now embrace life as never before. I have more confidence in myself and know better how to help others. This journey is good for something in each of our lives. We just need to see how. And God's guidence will always light our paths.

Okay - I'm sure I've offended someone out there. Too bad. This is how I am. God made me this way, and I will never be ashamed of God's works. May not always understand, but never ashamed of a tough battle, and God's guidance. If others say something that I feel is wrong, I will do my best to explain how things are, and without judgement. Most people are genuinely affectionate in their reactions, just a little misguided. We all are in some way or another. But we can't do anything about it without change, now can we?

Okay - off my soap box now. Peace and Happy Mother's Day!

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

You are all so amazing and so wonderful! I love you all! I felt so good after talking to my girlfriends and telling them how I felt. And, after reading all of your posts to me, I even felt better! Thank you my sisters in pink!

Love, Megan

susie09's picture
susie09
Posts: 2933
Joined: Jul 2009

Really proud of what you did Megan. I think more of us should do that. It took guts to talk to all of them especially at once. LOL Hope everything goes better for you now.

Angie2U's picture
Angie2U
Posts: 2993
Joined: Sep 2009

I love what you wrote too Lorrie! Thank you for it!

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

All of you helped me so much to get thru how I felt. I thought maybe this thread might help someone else too. Thank you all of you!

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

I really miss you Lorrie and your scriptures! Praying that you are doing well.

Hugs,Megan

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

I really miss you Lorrie and your scriptures! Praying that you are doing well.

Hugs,Megan

JJDS
Posts: 259
Joined: Apr 2013

Thanks Megan for this post and Lorrie for the scripture and your very wise words.

JJ

Bella Luna's picture
Bella Luna
Posts: 1575
Joined: Aug 2009

Yeah, I get what your saying too. It's an ongoing kind of thing. Living life to the fullest without being consumed with nagging thoughts of recurrence. Tough act to juggle.
BL

Jeanne D's picture
Jeanne D
Posts: 1867
Joined: Mar 2009

Megan, what you did in telling your girlfriends how what they said made you feel was very brave of you, and, so very necessary. It is so hard for anyone that hasn't been down our road with bc to totally understand. I truly think that most try to, but, it next to impossible. That is why your honesty in showing them how they made you feel was so very important. I hope that by your doing so, it has taken a load off of your mind. Praying for continued health and a better understanding from your friends for you!

Love, Jeanne ♥

Scotch Freckles's picture
Scotch Freckles
Posts: 273
Joined: Apr 2010

Megan

Just think of I am myself and no one else. We all changed and hopefully for the better. I still joke around and keep folks around me laughing. Inside I wonder if and when will the cancer return. It is a daily struggle but having been introduced to this web site and knowing I am not the only one struggleing helps. Those who have not been down our path are not being insenitive it is just they are not familuar with this unknown struggle all those who have had cancer go through daily. Go lightly, smile, and know we all feel your struggle.

susie09's picture
susie09
Posts: 2933
Joined: Jul 2009

I love what you wrote Scotch Freckles - I am myself and no one else! And, you are so right, it is a daily struggle, but, you just have to put it in the back of your head and enjoy this beautiful life we have!

chenheart's picture
chenheart
Posts: 5182
Joined: Apr 2003

Between your original GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR post in February and your latest post about how you handled it; I think it is fair to say that you put the GRRRRRRRRRRR in Girl-Power!

I am proud to know you!

Hugs,
Chen♥

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

Ronda, this is the post that might help you some. I hope so.

Hugs, Megan

2Floridiansisters's picture
2Floridiansisters
Posts: 362
Joined: May 2010

Thanks for bumping this thread up, I just got on the computer so I'm going to read this now, I appreciate your doing so. Looks like I am not the only one who feels as I do.

Love Ronda

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

No Ronda you aren't! Glad you liked this thread and I hope it helped.

Hugs, Megan

missrenee's picture
missrenee
Posts: 2137
Joined: Apr 2010

As you can see by the number of posts--we all needed this. It's pretty much how we all feel at one time or another. After reading all the posts, I feel as if I've just been to a therapy session. Thank you my pink sisters. There are so many times when well-meaning friends make a senseless (to me) comment and I just want to smack them. I want to say, "I'm going through @%$# here, and no, it's not almost over--it'll never be over--so don't minimize my crappy situation!" Like most of you other ladies, I'm upbeat, positive, hopeful and prayerful, but there will be bad days--we're all human.

I have a "support group" here that meets once a month, but I get FAR more comfort and support right here. Thank you all!

Many hugs to each one of you, Renee

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

Thank you Renee for such a great post too! I love where you said it was like a therapy session! How true!

sea60's picture
sea60
Posts: 2601
Joined: May 2010

I read from the many books and articles on breast cancer (and it might have been reiterated here) something so true.

You have 2 lives, one before breast cancer and one after. I might not have worded it exactly but, you get the picture.

Who can be the same after this? As was mentioned, only God knows and all of us who are living through it.

Pray your doing well,

Syl

sal314
Posts: 633
Joined: Jul 2010

It's totally OK to have a bad day. Or in the case of dealing with BC several bad days! :)

Just know that there will come a time that you won't be all consumed with BC. That the scare of recurrence will lesson over time. You just have to give yourself a little time.

As far as your girlfriend is concerned, try to cut her some slack. The poor girls know NOTHING of what you've experienced. I'm sure she means well, but unless you've traveled our road, you can't possibly ever understand. When people say things like that, I just say to
myself "poor thing, you just don't understand. It's ok. I'll give you some grace" and then I just move forward.

It's easy to slip into the "why me" mode, and it's OK for a while. But you can't live in it! It's just not productive or helpful in anyway. When I use to go there I'd just try to stop and readjust my thinking. I'd tell myself "why not me?". For whatever reason, it happened and I can chose to learn from it and move on, or dwell in the misery of it all. I don't know...I use to talk to myself a lot! LOL.

You will work through it. It just takes time. And KNOW that there will be a day where life will not always be about having BC!!

Blessings,
Sally

P.S.- A very wise friend once told me "it's OK to go visit the past. But it's NOT OK to live there"! Boy...is that ever true. I've always remember that when I start to "live" in the past and it's helped me so much! :)

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

Thank you Sally for your words of wisdom! I loved what you wrote and I will certainly use what you say.

I love what your friend told you!

Thank you so very much!

Hugs, Megan

carkris's picture
carkris
Posts: 4529
Joined: Aug 2009

yes Sally that is a great thought to keep in my head! thanks!

Angie2U's picture
Angie2U
Posts: 2993
Joined: Sep 2009

Love what you wrote too Sally! I will remember that always!

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

Since there seem to be a lot of newbies on here, and, some have expressed exactly what this original post was about, I thought it would be great for them to read it too and to add any comments they might have.

All of you pink sisters really helped me in dealing with my girlfriends.

Love you all,

Megan

cinnamonsmile
Posts: 1052
Joined: Dec 2010

my mom is an excellent Certified Nursing Assistant, very caring, very understanding with her elderly patients. her best friend and i got cancer at the same time. she was talking to me about her friend, commenting that shes not the same person,doesnt talk like she used to (not physically, but what she says.) i dont think if you have had cancer and cant emphathize with it, its very difficult to relate. i had to explain to my mom that she might not be the same person, cancer i think changes some people. she didnt realize how tired and fatigued her friends radiation can make her. the stress of having cancer, etc. she started to understand a little but dont think she quite gets it but at least she tried. my boyfriends mom was great. after my lumpectomy i went to visit. she said she was sorry for not calling but didnt know what to say. i thought, wow, i like that response. i am a litle more bold and would have simply as i could and politely explained a little that cancer changes you. not sure how much i am changed yet, except for having a deeper distrust of people in the medical field and sick of dr. appts. my case is a little different, i have had numerous incompetent, unprofessional medical personnel, but i am pretty happy with what i have now.

Curlz's picture
Curlz
Posts: 42
Joined: Aug 2010

This is SO timely for me; I'm 4 months post-treatment and some days I'm still finding my way--and that frustrates and surprises me. As someone who was already comfortable and confident in who she was, getting breast cancer was a bit of a wrench in that department. I just had a convo this week that gave me a lot of insight...a friend who has been in recovery for 20+ years said "Sometimes you just need to be in a room of other people who totally get it--without explanation." He then suggested that although I feel that I have insight via this board that I find a support group that's a good fit for me and see what it's like to literally walk in to a room full of folks who understand. I know we don't all have that option and that's where these boards are incredibly helpful, but I'm going to give it a shot.

No matter how close and wonderful our family and friends may be, they just can't fully understand--and WE have to recognize that.

Thank you all for sharing--it really does help!
Curlz

Alexis F's picture
Alexis F
Posts: 3604
Joined: May 2009

This was one of my favorite posts of all time on here.  It's good to see it again and to read the answers and to see some sisters that we haven't seen in such a long time.

I am not glad that you Megan or any of us have ever felt this way, but, the answers from everyone, I think, pretty much could fit all of us.

 

CypressCynthia's picture
CypressCynthia
Posts: 4017
Joined: Oct 2009

Megan, I often feel that way--especially converning my husband's family. They rarely ask me how I am doing and because I am not on chemo, they think I am fine and should be "over it." But you don't ever get over it, do you? And I have bone mets that is manageable but not curable and, like all of us, have good days and bad days. Most of the time, I take it as a compliment that I must be doing well, but sometimes, when I am tired and scared, it confuses me.

The wonderful thing about this MB is we really do understand. And we love you just the way you are!

Jennifer1961
Posts: 137
Joined: May 2010

I am so with you on this. I finished chemo Oct 1st, then had bilaterial mastectomy in Nov. The doctors tell me everything thing is great, that I should do fine (I'm stage 2a, 3cm, no lymphnodes, grade 3). No cancer left in breast tissue (had lumpetcomy in May), clean PET/CT scans. SO WHY AM I SO DEPRESSED! WHY CAN'T I GET THE THOUGHTS OF RECURRANCE OUT OF MY HEAD! I actually ran into an old friend and we got to talking. She suggested that perhaps when we're going through something, we just put out heads down and do what we have to do and then later, after the initial crisis in dealt with, the reality sinks in. We all have been through so much and we have so much to go through, even if there is no recurrance, there's still the worry, the drs appts, the tests. I think people want us to "go back to the old me" because that means we will be okay and they don't have to worry about us anymore. But then again what do I know. I feel your frustration and pain Megan, hang in there. Jennifer

Megan M's picture
Megan M
Posts: 3001
Joined: Dec 2009

So many pink sisters related totally to this post, and, I see that em-h wrote a post that this is exactly about, so, I hope it helps her and anyone else that feels this way.

Hugs, Megan

JJDS
Posts: 259
Joined: Apr 2013

Megan, this is such a good post and from the replies, it looks like we all feel the same way.  I hope that you're feeling better now and are coping with how some might "think" we should be after we finish treatment.  Most, if any that haven't been touched by bc, will never understand.  All we can do is try and explain it to them, if we feel we want to.  I wouldn't want them to ever really understand as I pray that none of my friends or family ever go through bc. 

Oddly enough, I think some good things come out of being diagnosed.  You get closer to some friends and even family members as their fear in losing us is finally apparent and they appreciate us more.

Hoping that your life is full and happy Megan.

 

laughs_a_lot's picture
laughs_a_lot
Posts: 1368
Joined: Mar 2011

Ask them if life will ever be the same after having a baby. No it never is. It is the same with cancer

Lynn Smith
Posts: 1265
Joined: Mar 2011

No one knows how it feels to have a life threatening disease/illness till it hits Them. I never ask why "me" but why "anyone". What your friend said wasn't understanding.I would also be upset.

I was fortunate not to need chemo or radiation.BUT I am still going through AlOT.I take tamoxifin.I saw my surgeon, oncologist and family doctor every 3 months in the beginning.Now it is every 6 months.Then I've had 4 mammograms and 1 ultrasound in less than 2 years.I wont hit the 2 year mark till Aug.Then mammos every year.I will keep up my self exams and if anything doesn't feel right I'm calling my doctor. It's never ending for us bc survivors.

As years go on we MIGHT feel just a bit more comfortable but most of us were dx just a few years ago. Not long enough to be confident.When I hit the 25 year mark I will feel much better.I will be 87 by then.

Life is now unpredictable,We don't know??? Our true friends and relatives should understand.Why would they think it is all going to be the same?

Lynn Smith

Pink Rose
Posts: 495
Joined: Nov 2012

 

thanks for this

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