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I can't believe my mom is gone.

Hollyanne
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2010

I am still in total shock. She went so fast. She started complaining of chest pain and sob on 1-2-10. I took her to the ER and they diagnosed her with mets to lungs, liver, adrenal glands, mesenteric tissue, etc etc. She passed away on 1-20-10. Everyday she was a little bit worse. It was so strange because before she started having pain she was totally self sufficient, lived alone, drove etc. Then she started just fading away before my eyes until she was finally gone. She was (is) my best friend, my greatest source of support and my biggest fan. I miss her so much. I used to talk to her everyday. Sometimes the pain is unbearable. This hit me totally out of the blue. She didn't want a funeral but she agreed that a party/memorial dinner would be okay. I was planning on taking her on a cruise this year to celebrate her 70th bday (7-3). I wish I had done it for her 69th bday instead. She raised me by herself and honestly was the nicest, sweetest most devoted person I'll ever meet. I was lucky to have her as long as I did and I know that I'll see her again but WOW do I ever miss her now. It really hurts.

Cindy Bear
Posts: 564
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi Hollyanne. Sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my mom June 09 and it was and still is devastating. Yes she was ill. We found out in Jan. she had a malignancy (uterine cancer) but led to believe a hysterectomy and she'd be "Good as new". In Feb. we found out she was stage iv and in June, 4 mos into treatment that was supposedly working she was gone. She died in the hospital. I can't really give any good advice other than keep putting one foot in front of the other and don't forget to breathe. I remember feeling like a zombie after she died. Going thru the motions, laundry, groceries, cooking, work. It does get easier. I keep coming back to these boards and it is comforting to share my feeling and anger (I have alot of it) with others. You will always miss her. A good friend who lost both parents told me it takes about 2 yrs to come to terms with the loss and grief of losing someone close to you. Give yourself time and permission to grieve. I didn't want to hear people's platitudes either.. you know that stuff about God closing a door and opening a window or how God never gives us more than we can bear. My heart was and is broken. These simple, little sing -songy Pollyanna sayings don't help. You learn to bite your tongue alot. People mean well.
I'll be thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers. I hope we both find healing and peace in 2010.
Cindy

Hollyanne
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2010

Hi Cindy Bear, thanks for the words of support and I am very sorry about your loss as well. I feel like I've suddently joined a club that I never knew about and never would have EVER wanted to be a part of. People mean well but I don't think they really understand. I'm a nurse and my mom was hospitalized (briefly) at my hospital, where she got excellent care. But I still have people coming up to be and asking about her, because she was doing fine while she was there. They sometimes say well meaning but yeah, inane things. They have no idea. I go between heartbroken and disbelief all day every day. She didn't want a funeral so I'm planning a memorial for her. I have no idea what I'm going to say to her friends and former coworkers. I think I'll just be heavily medicated and let my husband do the talking. I don't know why I even thought this was a good idea. It's going to be a really nice champagne brunch by the beach. I originally did it to celebrate her but I don't feel like celebrating anything. It's on Mar 6 and I think I'm just going to be a basket case. I just can't believe this is all happening.

Cindy Bear
Posts: 564
Joined: Jul 2009

I'll be thinking of you on that day. You'll get thru it. In my case, I was not only shell-shocked but very angry. Angry at the disease, God, her doctors, fate you name it. I know anger isn't healthy but it got me thru those first months. I've let go of some of it but not all. Maybe you can put together some pics of her, make a special photo album and if you and your husband aren't up to it, maybe an aunt or uncle or special friend could share some memories or funny stories. Maybe recite a special poem of hers or a poem that conveys your feelings on that day. There's one by Wm Auden that I love. It's called Funeral Blues (I think that's the name) and I can't read it without crying. It describes how I felt on that day and continue to feel.
Just keep moving forward in a straight line. It will get a little easier I promise.

Hollyanne
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2010

Funeral Blues, stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone...I've heard this poem before and it has always been very moving. I always thought it would be about a lover or wife of husband but I know how you feel. My mom was my north and my south, my east and my west. I always loved her (of course) but I never realized how much she meant (means) to me until she passed. Great poem.

LSegovia
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2010

Hello Hollyanne and Cindy Bear -

I am so sorry for your losses as well. I too feel like no one can really relate to what I am going through. I can't seem to stop crying. I miss her so much. I feel very selfish at times because I know she is no longer suffering (10 mo battle with Uterine Cancer). Dalia was (is) actually my mother-in-law...but really the "mom" I never had and my best friend. I met her when I was 18, I am now 42 and she has been my greatest supporter. We have spent time together almost everyday since I married my husband. We have always lived close because we wanted to share our lives together. She was at the birth of both of my kids and has been there primary babysitter their entire lives. My son is 13 and my daughter is 10. In Jan. 2006, my father in law (her Soul Mate) battled 5 mo with Colon cancer (passed in June 06). That was a tragic time for our family. I went part time at my job, to help caregive with her. During that time we grew closer than I thought possible. I was so sad and worried about her surviving such a horrendous loss. My father in law just told her to be strong for the rest of us and she was doing amazingly well (we thought). In March 09, she was diagnosed with stage iv Uterine cancer. I left my job right after her diagnosis to be her full time caregiver. We shared the most precious times together...during drives to/from Loma Linda we would have our best talks about "real" stuff...life and death. I really thought I was prepared for what was happening...going to happen. But I wasn't...I'm not...I went on a job interview and started crying when asked why I have been out of work. (I haven't been called back by the way). I am trying my best to be strong for my husband and kids, but when they are not around I can't seem to get past the sadness. Our birthdays are one day apart...Feb 16 & 17. We celebrated together every year for the past 22 years...this birthday was a tough one. I miss her so much!

Cindy Bear
Posts: 564
Joined: Jul 2009

Hello Lsegovia. Thank you for your kind words and I am sorry for your loss as well. Sounds like she was a treasure. I don't think you can ever really prepare for something like this. Not entirely. In my mom's case (she was 78 at time of diag. and 79 when she passed, four months into "treatment')she was also stage iv uterine cancer. Just hearing Stage IV was like being hit on the head with a sledgehammer. The doctor talked about chemotherapy and remission. He said, with recurrence 15 mos. She never had a remission to speak of and passed 4 mos into treatment. We were told at the chemo midpoint that her ct was "basically good" 5 wks later she was dead. I know what you mean about crying. I still cry alot and it's been 8 mos. I find myself crying at work in front of my computer, at the grocery store. I'll be shopping and see something that she liked to eat. I'll hear a song and know she liked that song. She never missed Wheel of Fortune or Jeopardy. I won't even turn the tv on during that hour, the thought of seeing even a second of one of those shows is more than I can bear.
I have a lot of guilt. Woulda, shoulda, coulda. I believe she knew that we loved her but I feel like I should have done more for her. And now it's too late.

Hollyanne
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2010

Hey Cindy Bear, I think that your mom knows exactly how you feel, your remorse and your guilt. She knows how much you love her and miss her. Try to forgive yourself. If there was anything for you to feel guilty about at all, she's forgiven you. Easy for me to say I guess.

Hollyanne
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2010

I am so sorry for your loss. You two shared a very special bond and you were very lucky to have something that special and precious in your life. I still feel like it's not even real half the time. I'm back at work, which is good for me because at home, alone, it really hits me. But I always start to cry in my car driving home. I don't know what it is but it always starts. My drive is about 25 minutes and it takes me about 5 before I'm totally bawling and my makeup is completely smeared all over the place. I just feel like this absolutely should not have happened. This is just so wrong. I know it hasn't completely hit me yet. I don't know how long this whole process takes but I absolutely dread mother's day and her birthday this year not to mention all the "family holidays" - that's going to be surreal. She was so sweet and special. I don't know how I'm going to go on without her.

Cindy Bear
Posts: 564
Joined: Jul 2009

Holidays are difficult. My mom passed in June so she wasn't there for my bday or my sisters. She always sent the prettiest cards and we'd get a cake and she'd make a special meal for ea. of us. She was a fabulous cook and baker. Thanksgiving and Christmas were both extremely difficult. I used to walk in her house and smell those wonderful smells. She would usually be right there in the kitchen to greet us. She treated my husband and me like royalty. Always at the door or the window waving goodbye when we left. The special little things. She had different table cloths for all the holidays. Easter, xmas. I am dreading her bday this year, March 30th and Mother's day. The first one without her. I have yet to go to the cemetery since the funeral. My sisters have both been there but I just can't go. The thought of seeing her name and date on that stone.. right now I'm in denial. but seeing that will make me realize it's all too real, not a dream. She isn't here anymore and she's not coming back. I've had several people tell me that when they lost a parent it took about 2 yrs to come to terms with this type of loss. You never totally get over the loss but it does get a little easier. In the meantime I guess Breathe in and out and put one foot in front of the other.

Hollyanne
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2010

Can you ever really "get over" something like this? Excuse me if I'm being self indulgent but I don't think so. March 30th is coming up. I'll be thinking of you and your family that day. My mom's bday was July 3rd. Her mother used to tell her that she was so special, the day after she was born they had huge parades and fireworks! Cute. My mom baked the most amazing cakes, cookies, pies, breads, etc. She decorated cakes and used to sell a lot of them. She was really talented and creative with food. She made my wedding cake. Three tiers, each tier a layer of choc cake and a layer of white cake with the most amazing rasberry filling in between. She was amazing. I had to go pick up her mail today (she has a post office box that I'm going to keep up for a little while longer). It's not far from her former apartment. The whole area reminds me of her and things that we did together. Her memorial lunch is in one week. I still have to get a dress, something bright and upbeat. I can't believe I had to finalize the centerpieces for my mom's memorial. It still doesn't seem real. Sometimes I play her ringtone (she had "sunshine") on my phone just to hear it. She used to call me all the time. I wish I just had, like I don't know a week with her. I'd take her on an amazing trip. She was only 69. That's too young. It pisses me off. This is terrible, I know, but sometimes I look at people and I think, why not them? Why didn't they get this horrible dianosis and why aren't they gone? She should still be here, calling me, baking hanging out with her cat and her friends AND ME!

Hollyanne
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2010

I know that's a terrible thing to say, I can't help it.

Hondo's picture
Hondo
Posts: 5927
Joined: Apr 2009

I too lost my Mon but it was 20 years ago now, boy how time fly’s I still miss her not being around to see my children grow up. I realize that as long as she is part of my memory she will always be here with me. What I am amazed by now is that one of my daughter who was only 4 years old when she passed away looks and acts so much like her it is almost unbelievable, your Mother will always be a part of you as long as you remember her.

Hollyanne
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2010

I know. I was really blessed to have such a wonderful mom. She was 1000% behind me every time. Totally supportive and loving. Whether I deserved it or not. I know I'll see her again. I still feel her around me a lot, too. But I miss her so much. She was my best friend.

Cindy Bear
Posts: 564
Joined: Jul 2009

It might seem like a "horrible thing to say" Hollyanne. But I so understand and I think it's just natural to feel that way . I felt and still feel the same way. I hear people at work complain about their mothers and I want to scream. One of the mgrs complains about his 9o yr old mother, another has a 93 yr old MIL .
Another good friend's mother just turned 93. I want to yell no fair, no fair.
I see these little old ladies (often with their husbands) at the grocery store and I ask why. WHy do they get to live and enjoy these long lives and both my parents are gone . My Dad at 69, mom at 79. Why? When we first got my mother's Stage IV diagnosis, she asked "how did I get this" She was always so careful, vigilant about her health. We don't think it was hereditary.. although her father, my grandpa, had prostate cancer and my aunt said a great grandmother had stomach? Cancer. Possibly ovarian or uterine that had spread. We'll never know. To my mother's credit, I never heard her say why me? Never. I did. I said it all the time. I told my husband, "I wish it was anyone else. A friend's mother, one of my aunts, anyone else but her. " I feel ashamed to say that. I know we all have our crosses to bear and cancer isn't something I would wish on anyone. Yet some days I still wake up and thing, why . Why her. Why not anyone else but her. I guess we'll never know the answer to that.
Hugs, Cindy

Hollyanne
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2010

Yeah, that's for sure. Sorry I took so long to respond. I'm finishing up the arrangements for her memorial. Horrible. Paid the restaurant, finalized the flowers and the guestlist, got pictures of mom, got a new dress. Gads, this is horrible. Like I said I'm gonna be super medicated and I think I'll just smile and wave like Miss America (whose mom just died) and let my husband do all the talking. This SUCKS!!!! This really isn't fair at all. Sorry, I know I'm venting. This is so, so unfair. I got my dress, bought some shoes (I'm not even enjoying shopping, I don't care-I don't know why I even bothered) and as I'm leaving the store I started to cry and cry and cry all the way home. It just came out of nowhere. I think the shock is starting to wear off. It's worse now than a couple of weeks ago. Maybe it's because of this memorial coming up. We should be celebrating her 70th birthday, not this. I wish I could talk to her.

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1561
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Hollyanne,
First let me say my sympathies are being sent to you. I am a caregiver for my dad. He just turned 71, and has been fighting esophageal and liver cancer for the past 16 mos. He is coming close to the point of giving up. The chemo is really taking a toll on him. Hopefully he will keep fighting. This is one of the hardest things we have to go through in our lives. It is unfortunate that your mom had to suffer and die like she did. But do know that she is in a much better place now. She is watching over you. She wants you to celebrate her life, not to grieve her death for too long. Celebrate her life in heaven each year. Know that one day you will see her again, and you will be able to talk to her.

God bless you and your family at this time. This is part of life, and we do have to deal with it. You coming to this site will help you very much. Keep in touch.
Tina

Lois_daughter
Posts: 9
Joined: Oct 2009

Hollyanne, Cindybear,

Hollyanne, CindyBear, I am so sorry to hear about your moms. I too lost my mom, my best friend, it will be a year 3/27. She was only 76. I still can't believe she is gone. She had fallen and we went to the ER where they diagnosed her with lung cancer, metastatic to her bone and pneumonia. I still see her face when they told her. It was awful. Mom stayed in the hospital 1 night and we went home with hospice the next day. I thought they would control her pain and she at least would feel better for a while. She didn't need oxygen before but she couldn't make it without after. She needed help sitting up and laying down. She didn't eat & really didn't even talk much. She liked how the hospice nurse moved her, I tried but could never do it very well. It was so hard. She suffered so much, and there is so much I wish I could have done so much better so I know exactly how you feel. I too have coworkers who complain about taking care of their moms who are alot older than mine. I just keep thinking I would give anything to have my mom back no matter how much work involved. Also my mom did not want any funeral services. She had a lot of friends and all of my friends knew and loved her too. I just had a simple gathering at my house (mom lived with me), I put out all of her artwork and quilts and had photoalbums. My friends at work were good enough to bring the food, it was hard but I was glad I did it. Mom had left me a note she had written years earlier. "Remember me with laughter and smiles for that is how I will remember you. If you can only remember me with sadness and tears then don't remember me at all". Almost impossible to do But I do try to remember the good times. I just have so many things I wish I would have done better. I miss her everyday. Hollyanne, I hope your memorial goes better than you think and maybe you will find comfort in how many people your mom touched. She sounds like a special person.

Lois_daughter
Posts: 9
Joined: Oct 2009

Hollyanne, Cindybear,

Hollyanne, CindyBear, I am so sorry to hear about your moms. I too lost my mom, my best friend, it will be a year 3/27. She was only 76. I still can't believe she is gone. She had fallen and we went to the ER where they diagnosed her with lung cancer, metastatic to her bone and pneumonia. I still see her face when they told her. It was awful. Mom stayed in the hospital 1 night and we went home with hospice the next day. I thought they would control her pain and she at least would feel better for a while. She didn't need oxygen before but she couldn't make it without after. She needed help sitting up and laying down. She didn't eat & really didn't even talk much. She liked how the hospice nurse moved her, I tried but could never do it very well. It was so hard. She suffered so much, and there is so much I wish I could have done so much better so I know exactly how you feel. I too have coworkers who complain about taking care of their moms who are alot older than mine. I just keep thinking I would give anything to have my mom back no matter how much work involved. Also my mom did not want any funeral services. She had a lot of friends and all of my friends knew and loved her too. I just had a simple gathering at my house (mom lived with me), I put out all of her artwork and quilts and had photoalbums. My friends at work were good enough to bring the food, it was hard but I was glad I did it. Mom had left me a note she had written years earlier. "Remember me with laughter and smiles for that is how I will remember you. If you can only remember me with sadness and tears then don't remember me at all". Almost impossible to do But I do try to remember the good times. I just have so many things I wish I would have done better. I miss her everyday. Hollyanne, I hope your memorial goes better than you think and maybe you will find comfort in how many people your mom touched. She sounds like a special person.

Hollyanne
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2010

Dear Lois' daughter, I bet if your mom could say anything to you right now, she would say thank you for everything that you did. She knows that everything that you did was done out of love for her and came from your heart. She appreciates everything that you did, exactly the way that you did it. Love Holly

Hollyanne
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2010

Okay, today is her memorial service, say a prayer!

wonderingalice
Posts: 49
Joined: Feb 2010

Hollyanne and everyone else, I cannot imagine your pain although I believe I will be facing the same thing. I found my way here due to the poor prognosis for my mother, who recently had a recurrence of a rare and aggressive uterine cancer (UPSC) stage III. She is so strong, still feeling well considering all she has been through; however, she can't handle second-line chemo at this time and even chemo is palliative at this stage (she has already had radiation and first-line chemo). I am so sad every day, wondering how much time we have and feeling helpless that I am eight hours away. There was so much we had planned to do together, so many places we wanted to travel. I am 33, an only child, my mom has given me everything. She lived a very healthy lifestyle, is only 57...I can relate to the feelings of unfairness. Every morning I wake up feeling okay and it takes a moment or two before I remember "my mom has cancer..." and everything goes dark again. I want to have hope but I also want to be realistic and I am a pragmatic person comforted by facts and a blueprint of the possibility of what is to come.

Please know that my heart hurts for all of you...I don't know who I am without my mother, she is my favorite person in the whole world and I cannot fathom life without her.

~L.

Hollyanne
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2010

Dear wondering alice, your situation sounds a lot like my mom and I. Sometimes I feel like I've lost my twin. We were very close and she meant so much to me. I hate referring to her in the past tense because she still seems alive to me. I feel like I'm dismissing her or something. We also had a lot of plans, places to go. We even had a list. She is irreplacable. Things don't work out the way you plan sometimes. But it's still bs. I knew from the getgo that she was dying. As soon as the ER doctor told us what was on the CTscan. She didn't understand, but I did. It took her a while, and I hated her understanding. I'll be thinking of you. Take care of you while you're taking care of her.
Love Holly

Cindy Bear
Posts: 564
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi Hollyanne. I actually remembered today was the memorial service. Which is very surprising because ever since my mom was first diaganosed I can't seem to remember anything. I don't know if it's stress or depression or the fact that I've aged 20 yrs in the last year.
I hope that everything went okay for you today. I was thinking about you and hope that you were (heavily medicated?) or in my case, I would have tried to stay slightly inebriated all day. LOL A good friend once told me , You don't know how strong you are until you have to be. I think you're a very strong person and you'll get thru this. Hugs, Cindy

Hollyanne
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2010

Well, it actually went really well. See, I can't drink. I have some sort of recurrent pancreatitis so hard liquor is impossible for me but my doctor had given me a prescription for ativan (antianxiety) after mom died. So that took care of that! It was really beautiful and it made me realize how many people knew (like I do) that she was really special and amazing. It was a celebration of her and I know she was there with us. Good food, champagne, lots of happy memories so it was good. Thanks for your support Cindy Bear, it means a lot to me. Love Holly

RichJP
Posts: 1
Joined: Oct 2010

i know how u feel, it hit my mom, so fast, really bad in 1 month but all together went downhill in like 4 months
but just so dam fast, everyone like whoooo what happin, i understand how u feel, is horrible, dont wish that on your worst enemy, totally blows and sux for lack of better words at the moment

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