Feb 15, 2010 - 3:33 pm
I was wondering how many of you were able to get back to work after this ordeal? I have not been able to go back to my job. I was a manager of a shoe store. My job was very physical, and long hours. I had to work 48hrs a week, and had to close the store 3 nights per week. I would do two 12.5 hr days a week. There is no way at 92lbs, with the pain I am in, and not being able to eat and drink much, i can work like that. My neck still hurts daily from the dissection, and I have limmited range of motion dispite excercising my neck. I am still in pain with my mouth, and I am on 50 mcgs of Fentanyl daily.
I am still collecting on my insurance policy, but I know that is coming to an end soon. They think that I should apply for disability. I have been feeling inappropriate guilt about my lack of work this past year. Probably because of my insane work ethic. I am the type that crawls to work when sick. I worked until the day before my neck dissection. The job before this I worked 60 to 65 hrs a week. I have no college degree and I am afraid because even if I could work part time, it is not enough income. And also what about insurance? My COBRA will be running out soon too?
The woman who handles my disability insurance says I should apply for disability, I don't know how I feel about this. I am so scared that I will be unable to work and support myself. Thank God I bought and paid for insurance in case I got sick.
I realize this is sort of personal stuff, but my friends do not seem to understand the amount of pain I am still in, and that there is no way I can do the job I used to do. As a matter of fact one friend just called to let me know that the census is looking for people to hire, and drive around. I don't think that is a plan since I am still on a pain patch. :( Most people I know are amazed that I have not gone back to work.
I don't know why I feel guilty applying for disability. Not like I am faking all this crap. I think maybe I also expected my recovery to be much faster than this. I thought I would be back to work by last August latest when I started this journey. I never counted on so much pain, and the side effects of radiation lasting so long.
I am a perfectionist, I think. Also, being a manager for so long it's a control thing. I don't like not being in control. That was one thing God and I worked on this past year. I think I am closer to getting the whole, "Thy will be done." and not MY will. Maybe I am just too hard on myself. I am still struggling with some things.