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for those who lost you mom/loveones, what do you do during their bday or any special dates?

marc24
Posts: 92
Joined: Mar 2009

im 24, i lost my mom last August which is 6 months ago but its surreal that she has been gone because I still go drive to my dads sometimes thinkingshe is still around. Today was supposed to be her 63rd bday and she is now gone, but i feel compelled to do something for her bday at least in her memory. I am as hurt as anyone, but it is also mostly because of my stepdad. You see, my stepdad lost his mom two years ago, then now my mom is gone too so i feel like he is all by himself now except for me and his other two older stepsons. They both got families, I do not however and eventually i feel like i will get older and older and have my own life and i feel more and more sad for him. Its really terrible when special dates come by like her bday, xmas, thnksgiving, because u are forced to think about it and it hurts even more.

What can do for my stepdad so we can have a better tomorrow about dealing with our loss and what do u normally do to celebrate a lost loveone? I also want to ask if you are around my age, how to do you really deal with everyday because i still feel surreal about not having her around anymore.

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

Man, it hurts, doesn't it?
I remember how raw everyone felt for the first year after my dad died from cancer (now I'm looking after mom). One thing that seemed to help was getting out some happy pics from the past and spending time celebrating the good times. We all had visions in our heads of how bad dad had looked toward the end, and the happy pix helped to heal that damage.

Also, simply planning distractions on what you think will be very sad days is good. I'm not saying to wall off the sadness -- the only way to grieve is to go through it -- but be ready with an activity that will change your mood and move your mind to other places.

Just a suggestion...

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

I'm so sorry for your loss and I myself have lost my Mom a few years back so I know how painful that truly can be.

When she first died and it was coming up to her birthday and Xmas I actually was going to send a gift, not put a return on it and address it to 'heavan' - just would have made me feel better and I could dream it would reach her, couldn't I? I used to send her nice gifts when she was here but also would pick up some little inexpensive scarves that she loved more than the big gifts I think, so I would get one of those knowing it would be lost but that was okay. I never really did this as I was sick myself and just never got around to it but it was a nice thought. I have heard of people actually sending a card off addressed 'heavan' as well with no return address on it of course so it remains out there and in our minds delivered to our loved ones at that destination.

My Mom LOVEEEDDDDD coffee and after that initial shock of losing her and thinking up wild things to do in her memory like sending off the gift to heavan I decided that just sitting down and consciously remembering her on her birthday with a nice cup of coffee, thinking of all the good times we shared, was a wonderful tribute all on it's own.

Just remembering is a powerful statement of someone's positive affect on our lives and one she would smile upon when she looked down over you I'm sure. Some people don't leave such a positive impression on even their children for whatever reason and what an awful thing to have no one care after you have passed and not even remember your birthday at all. Clearly your Mom was a positive influence on your life and others as well no doubt so just remember her, pause for a few moments on the special occassions and maybe have a special beverage she liked or food and send up a prayer for her. That's the greatest gift of all - to be remembered fondly.

Blessings, Bluerose

marc24
Posts: 92
Joined: Mar 2009

yeah imma take my dad to the movies and eat somewhere...he bought her flowers and he seems to take it well, but thanks for your input....i see it like this, we are all gonna go down that road anyways and its just a delayed meeting with our lost loveones so i guess i need to really just enjoy life and later on when we are gone, i'll meet my mom again.

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2059
Joined: Oct 2009

I lost my dad when I was 22 and my mom when I was 36. Never stops hurting, but you will begin to have happier days and will come to actually smile when talking about things your mom did. How about you release a few balloons, in her favorite color or that say happy birthday on them, maybe attach a small note not to weigh down the balloons, and watch them go skyward then take your stepdad out for dinner. Tina

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

a relay for life is an event put on by the American Cancer Society for people that want to help raise money for cancer...It is a walk or run usually between 12-24 hours and is for celebrating the people that have battled cancer as your mom did...It is for survivorship, for loves lost, and for caregivers.....it is for people that have lost loved ones to cancer...You can walk in your moms name as a tribute to her...I will participate in my first this year on may 15th as a survivor and also losing a father to stomach cancer in 1991...I can hardly think about it without tearing up but it is going to be so emotional for me as a survivor and having lost someone to cancer as well....It would be something that you and your stepfather could do for your mom and also to look forward to being a part of a family of people who care...Please you and your stepfather get on the computer and google "Relay for Life" and type in your local zip code and find one around your area. They should be popping up and starting signing up teams so get on one. It will be something that I will never forget. I think you will find that it may be the answer to what do you do on their birthdays and special occasions....Take all the special occasions and celebrate them in her memory at a Relay for Life....in her honor.....that would be something that she will smile down on you both for....I don't think there could be anything better done.....Love Hope and Peace for you my friend, Buzz...

Hollyanne
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2010

I like the balloon and the note idea. That's really nice.

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

and just started doing the things I would have done with her, only by inviting two cousins who also lost their mom. We usually go to my mom's favorite neighborhood restaurant and sit around talking for a few hours. You and your step-dad might consider doing something your mom would have enjoyed.

Love and Courage!

Rick

Hollyanne
Posts: 26
Joined: Jan 2010

I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. You are so young, that's really tough. But I don't know if being older really makes any difference. You miss them and it really really hurts. I just lost my mom about 4 weeks ago. She went so fast. We didn't know she had cancer until about 3 weeks before she passed. It is unbelievably surreal. I was an only child and she was a single mom and we were very close. I think about her most of everyday. It's good to get distracted by work and friends. Hopefully you have a good support system around you. My husband, cousin and my friends have been great. You and your stepdad have a chance to form an even closer bond now. Hopefully he has a good support system around him in addition to you. Thats a big burden for a 24 year old. You have to make sure that you are taking care of yourself and asking people for help. Just try to remember how much she loved you and your stepdad and all of the good times you shared with her. Good luck.

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