Advice needed on finances and family

ruthelizabeth
ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
Don deserves better kids. Period.

He has four kids.

The oldest is genuinely nice (40), hard-working and rarely asks him for anything.

Her brother (38) is charming, helpful and a leech if he can find blood. He's not greedy, exactly; he simply finds good excuses for not working, grows roots on people's couches and, I think, truly believes he's their helpful savior so it's all right.

Don has two daughters from his second marriage. His ex is manipulative to the extreme. Her daughters can be sweet, charming, etc. if it benefits them or if it's doesn't cost them anything. The 28-yr-old has a temper that would make Vesuvius look like a society lady breaking wind. Over Christmas because she wasn't in control and the center of attention (Don couldn't eat her dessert because the oatmeal hurt his throat), she screamed for about 30 minutes, ignoring him when he said it might be his last Christmas and she was spoiling it.

Her 22-yr-old sister has never had a bill she personally had to pay. She lives in her mother's house rent-free, has finally gotten a part-time job which she's held since Sept., partly because Don makes sure she gets up and then drives her to and from work. She has excuses for everything. She's bi-polar and has been stable for almost four years. When she goes off her meds, she beats people up. She isn't sorry about it, either. The only apology I've ever had was, Well, I'm sorry I beat you up, but you annoyed me. Unfortunately the last time she tried to attack Don, me and her brother and threatened to kill us, she was on her meds. That time she didn't have all HER things. She says that she's a material girl (so it's all right.).

Don has given most of what he has, okay, just about all he has, to his kids (except the oldest). After his diagnosis he clearly wanted to fix his kids, if he could. That was understandable. It took four and a half months and five figures to let him see that his son would take all he could get, but not get a job and support himself. Over the years the other two girls have gotten trips, cars, gas money, spending money, phones, car insurance..... He still pays half his youngest's health insurance, her cell phone is on his contract, she and her sister are on his AAA. He recently put the youngest on his checking acct. and says that it's okay for her to inherit it. Now she's pushing him to give her his car.

This is the situation I need advice on. Don has nothing except that car that is of any value. I'm sorry to sound like a ghoul, but if he dies, that car comes to me and I can sell it to pay his funeral expenses, etc. I knew I would be under pressure to give it to the youngest and I had planned to say that if her mother paid for it, she could pay her mother back and I would use the money for Don's bills. Without that.... well, I'll be in debt for a year or two, paying the bills off. I don't make a lot of money and have minimal savings.

And all this doesn't cover the reaction of the other kids. I think most of them believe Don has a large amount of money which they will share when he dies. The truth of his financial situation would be bad enough (I have no doubt that at least the younger two will say I somehow robbed them.) Add to that Jennifer getting all that's left and the car and it will be get out your helmets and run for the bunker.

When I told Don how upset I was that Jennifer would ask him for the car because he's dying, he said he was used to how she and her sister and mother were. He was sad, but he hasn't said no to her. I did tell him as nicely as I could that if anything ever did happen to him, the car could be sold to take care of expenses and we left it at that.

However, I couldn't sleep last night and now he's upset that I'm upset.

As far as I can see, all I can do is keep my mouth shut and love him a lot and trust that God will straighten the situation out. I don't see how I can suggest prearrangements or indeed anything that would make things easier for me. Okay, that sounds really terrible.

Help! Am I being horrible? And is there ANYTHING I can do about anything?

Awwwww. Where's the aspirin?

Ruth Elizabeth

Comments

  • CherylMike
    CherylMike Member Posts: 118
    #2
    Ruth~
    Ruth~ My husband passed away three months ago from head and neck cancer. He fought for over 2 years. I am going through the financial and legal end of things now. I would advise that you do some "internet" searching for laws in your state. My husband did not have a will. (We honestly thought we had time - we had a simple one drafted, but he had not signed it) Fortunately, my in-laws and kids did not dispute anything. I just received the title for my husband's car. It is in his name only. I called the DMV and they asked if his estate was in probate. Since it is not, I just need to bring the death certificate and title to fill out paperwork. I do not know your circumstances, but you may want to look into preparing a simple will - can print one off the internet for around $25 (also a living will). My husband had told me what he wanted the kids to have, funeral arangements etc. For things that he could not verbalize, I bought him a journal and asked that he please write anything he wanted in it. I would not look at it until it was time. This may help. I had difficulties with the monetary end of his cremation. Social Services (through Hospice) helped me. They had a fund which they contributed to, to use in cases such as mine. When I could, I paid them back (did not have to, just wanted someone else to be able to get help). I have also found that by calling and speaking to the companies that we have debt with, some are working with me, some have even forgiven the debt. Some will not budge :( I am sorry that you have to deal with difficult family members. Try to keep the peace for your husband and vent through this board, to friends, exercise "out the stress" . . Take care of yourself, your husband needs you.
    ~Cheryl
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #3
    I want to repeat, as I have
    I want to repeat, as I have here other times, don't feel guilty about thinking ahead. I know that's easier said than done, but it is normal to need to have some idea about financial and other arrangements. You will have the responsibility of taking care of things when Don is gone. I think the idea of getting a simple will is a good one. That way you will have a legal document that might settle some arguments. It is amazing what people will argue about. I am sorry that this time is being made more difficult by these concerns. Once you have hospice involved, they may be able to help you with prearrangement.It would be helpful to have Don's wishes in writing so you don't have to argue about the services. That, too, can be a real source of disagreement. Fay
  • ruthelizabeth
    ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138
    #4
    grandmafay said:

    I want to repeat, as I have
    I want to repeat, as I have here other times, don't feel guilty about thinking ahead. I know that's easier said than done, but it is normal to need to have some idea about financial and other arrangements. You will have the responsibility of taking care of things when Don is gone. I think the idea of getting a simple will is a good one. That way you will have a legal document that might settle some arguments. It is amazing what people will argue about. I am sorry that this time is being made more difficult by these concerns. Once you have hospice involved, they may be able to help you with prearrangement.It would be helpful to have Don's wishes in writing so you don't have to argue about the services. That, too, can be a real source of disagreement. Fay

    Thanks
    Don and I made wills, living wills, power of att., medical p of a. etc. five years ago. I have the copies home. I know that will help us.

    I think that eventually there will be a chance to talk to DOn about prearrangement. If I tell him that it will make things kinder for his kids and me, he will be fine with doing that. It's just awkward doing it now.

    I feel beaten down and sad. He deserves so much more than he is getting from his family. And I can't do anything about all that. He feels terrible and is suffering from the cancer and I can't do anything about that either.

    Thanks.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #5
    ruthelizabeth said:

    Thanks
    Don and I made wills, living wills, power of att., medical p of a. etc. five years ago. I have the copies home. I know that will help us.

    I think that eventually there will be a chance to talk to DOn about prearrangement. If I tell him that it will make things kinder for his kids and me, he will be fine with doing that. It's just awkward doing it now.

    I feel beaten down and sad. He deserves so much more than he is getting from his family. And I can't do anything about all that. He feels terrible and is suffering from the cancer and I can't do anything about that either.

    Thanks.

    Good Planning
    It sounds like you have planned well. Doug never wanted to talk much about burial arrangements, etc. We knew what each other wanted and he trusted me to follow through. We did have a trust, wills, and all the rest. Once we made sure everything was in order, we just put it aside. He would occasionally make a passing remark about wanting a certain hymn in his service., or some other thing. I just sort of logged that away. He also said that he wanted a certain cartoon character on his grave marker. I don't know if that was a joke or not, but it is now set in stone nevertheless. There are so many things that we don't have control over, but we can control, to an extent, how we respond to those things. You will always know that you did your best. Fay
  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111 Member
    #6
    Ruth
    Gosh, I don't really know what to tell you. If these young adults (lets face it, they are not kids) do not live with you but are around a little too much, change the locks and don't issue keys. If they want to come over too much, tell them Dad is not feeling well and tomorrow might be better. The car is yours not theirs, let them get a job and buy their own, they are old enough. Have Don put your name on the title. If they are asking for a little too much money, just say you don't have it (whether you do or not). Cancel the cell phone contract. If they protest, tell them you just can't afford it all the while getting a separate phone for yourself with the bill in your name. As far as the kid on the checking account, that is ridiculous, she will rob you blind. Open a checking account in your name and put any money in there, they can't touch it then. There is no reason for you to be penniless because of greedy and what appears to be ungrateful "Adult" kids. One other thing, if any of these kids raise a hand to you call the police, and let them know you will do it without hesitation and will ask for a restraining order. Enough is enough. You and your husband deserve peace at this delicate time, you deserve it and demand it from them. Take care - Tina

Discussion Boards