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Just my thoughts and feelings.....

Glenna M's picture
Glenna M
Posts: 1580
Joined: May 2009

I am trying to put my thoughts and feeling in print so please bear with me as I am not always good at expressing myself.
I am a Christian, as a child I went to church every Sunday and Bible School every summer. As I grew older I strayed from the church as I got too caught up in life - married, had a daughter, worked full time, you know – the usual excuses for being too busy to go to church. I still don’t go to church but I have never felt I had to just to talk to God, I believe he listens to my prayers and conversation wherever I am. I’ve always believed in God, although I can’t explain why, I just believe. I don’t know if I believe in Heaven and He!!, I think I do but I have never really spent much time thinking about it.
When my friends and family learned about my cancer diagnosis I had many people, even friends I haven’t heard from in years, who said they would keep me in their thoughts and prayers. I think this is when I realized I hadn’t been keeping God in my life and hoped it wasn’t too late for me to reaffirm my faith. I have always talked to God, not necessarily prayers, but I would talk to him when things got tough and ask him to help me find the right answer or do the right thing but I would neglect to thank Him for everything I had.
I wouldn’t say I’m a born again Christian but I now pray each day for others and to give my thanks for everything I have. These past 2 years have been tough for me and my family, we lost my brother to cancer, I lost my job and health insurance, my husband and I are facing bankruptcy due to my job loss, my daughter attempted suicide because of marital problems, I was diagnosed with 2 types of cancer and my husband is undergoing treatment to slow the growth of macular degeneration. I think I’m amazed that all of these hardships have reaffirmed my faith and brought me closer to God.
I don’t believe the typical sayings, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” or “it’s all in God’s plan”. I think it’s just the hand we have been dealt and we have to deal with it the best we can. I don’t believe I got cancer because I’m a bad person or did anything to deserve it (other than being a smoker).
I don’t try to force my beliefs on others and I certainly don’t preach to them about how they should live their lives or tell them they must believe in order to be saved. I know praying is not going to cure me of my cancers, my doctors and the on going research for cures may prolong my life but nothing will cure me. When I respond to a post on any of the cancer forums I usually do not tell the person who has posted that I will pray for them unless they mention prayers in their post as I feel that I am pushing religion by doing this. I try not to get upset with others for what they say as I now more than ever feel life is too short to waste my time being upset or thinking ill thoughts.
Cancer has definitely changed me in ways that I never thought possible, I am more patient and tolerant of others, I am kinder and more giving of myself and I try to find good in others and what they say. Would I change it if I could – YES!!! – but I have come to realize that all the prayers in the world are not going to change anything so I just deal with it day to day and try to enjoy the time I have left.
I’m sorry that this post is so long but I really felt the need to put this in print. Before I finally stop writing I would like to share an experience I had last night. I had gone to bed and was having my nightly discussion with God and suddenly had the strongest feeling of calmness that I have ever experienced, I can’t explain it but I suddenly felt completely relaxed and at peace, almost as if I were floating and didn’t have anymore worries. It was an incredible feeling of safeness and serenity, I like to believe that God was telling me to stop worrying and that everything would work out for the people I had prayed for.
Again, I’m sorry for making this such a long post and I hope some of you can understand my thoughts and feelings. And YES, I will be praying for everyone on this site – even those who do not ask for my prayers - LOL
Stay strong and keep smiling!!
Glenna

papajedi's picture
papajedi
Posts: 110
Joined: Oct 2009

I want to reply but it would be a long note :) Could you email me at sailorsubvet@yahoo.com and we'll talk ? I've had similar experience:)

Glenna M's picture
Glenna M
Posts: 1580
Joined: May 2009

Hi papajedi, I will send you a quick PM and you can respond if you would like to tell me about your experience.

Stay strong and keep smiling,
Glenna

Marcia527's picture
Marcia527
Posts: 2731
Joined: Jul 2006

papajedi: Just want to let you know that it is a bad idea to post your email address on a public message board. You don't know who is viewing and they could spam your email address. A better choice is to private message (PM) someone from this site. Go to 'home' and under communicate is your email options. All you need to send to any member is their user name. I didn't reply to your post because once replied to, you can't change the message. You can go back and edit your post and remove your email address if you wish. FYI.

papajedi's picture
papajedi
Posts: 110
Joined: Oct 2009

Will do.

DennisR
Posts: 148
Joined: Sep 2009

Nice post, Glenna
I don't think you have any problems expressing yourself or articulating your feelings whatsoever, your post was very well written, sincere, and heartfelt, beyond any doubt.

For many believers, and many have posted on this forum, (as well as famous philosphers whose writings have reflected exactly your words), have posted or written that their so called "Faith" based beliefs are actually based and personally confirmed on much more than simple Faith.
Like you, I have experienced the undeniable fact that a higher power does indeed exist through several experiences in which GOD intervened in my life in a way that left absolutely no doubt in my mind that HE does indeed exist.
I will not attempt to explain, or describe, or attempt to persuade anyone else to believe in the spiritual awakening and enlightenment I experienced. They would never understand it if they are non-believers, or even if they are faithful believers, but have never had such an experience. On the other hand, those that have experienced such a personally undeniable manifestation of the power of the Lord require no explanation whatsoever. They simply KNOW, and knowing requires no belief or faith whatsoever. There is a quantum leap between knowing something exists as opposed to simply believing something exists that they've never seen and cannot be scientifically proven.

DennisR

papajedi's picture
papajedi
Posts: 110
Joined: Oct 2009

What a great post.....we should share experiences, I've had a number of times when God showed himself and intervened in my life :)

DennisR
Posts: 148
Joined: Sep 2009

Perhaps, someday, papa...but while I probably could describe the basics of the interventions and messages I recieved and their profound effects on my life..there is no way I can put the actual experiences into mere words. There are no words to adequately describe the infinite Power of the Lord....and when he chooses to intervene in one's life, it is so up close and personal as to make it a near impossibility, and leaves those so chosen to recieve them completely overwhelmed with wonderment and awe.
I did have numerous consultations with some psychologists and attempted to communicate with them, with very supportive feedback, I might add, I was assured that these interventions are rare, seem to happen to certain people without any obvious reason, and are indeed both curative, powerful, and seem to immediately solve issues that defy psychologists mortal abilities to do so... and....great news here...I was not crazy.
I've more or less decided that these spiritual interventions were meant for me, and me alone...and that to openly discuss them with strangers, would in a sense be flirting with defying His devine will. I suspect that, until I recieve an indication that I should do differently, I will simply live out my life in the way He compelled me to live it, without fanfare and with as much humility as I possibly can. I did attempt to find a meaning to it all for awhile, why me, what should be my purpose now, should I be doing something different, is there a hidden calling I'm too proud to recognize etc etc....I recieved no sudden enlightenment in this regard and today simply accept His infinite wisdom without question, doubt, or fear.
DennisR

Glenna M's picture
Glenna M
Posts: 1580
Joined: May 2009

Thanks Dennis for your kind response. I usually have everything well thought out in my head but when I try to put it into words I never feel as though I have explained myself clearly. I can never explain my experience in a way that others could truly realize the amazing feeling I had and the peace that was in my heart, it was such a comforting feeling and I felt safer than I ever have in my life. I know it's silly because I am no where near the end of my life but I couldn't help but wonder if this is the feeling you get just before you pass. If it is then I will never fear dying.

Stay strong and keep smiling,
Glenna

Trew
Posts: 891
Joined: Jan 2010

First, cancer does affect us deeply. I am a grown man and I was crying myself last night, nice big heavy sobs type crying. Cancer is overwhelming enough with insurance and an income. In your case, you are carrying a heavy load, sister.

Second, there is a God and this world is not the final end. So seek HIm with all your heart and see where He leads.

Its like sitting in the radiation waiting room with other patients- we all sympathize with one another. A lady I never met before treatment whose name is Tammy gave me a big hug on a day I must have looked a little discouraged. Her hair was gone, she was in her hospital gown, and we shared a hug. Amazing stuff this cancer. Anyway, if I could I would share that hug with you.

Glenna M's picture
Glenna M
Posts: 1580
Joined: May 2009

Thank you for you beautiful response. I'm sending you a cyber hug ((hug))

Take care,
Glenna

Trew
Posts: 891
Joined: Jan 2010

I need a hug, too, sometimes.

Cancer! how can anything be so cold and warm at the same time?

papajedi's picture
papajedi
Posts: 110
Joined: Oct 2009

I have cried a lot also, in my quiet time of worship tho I know him and he knows me ..:)

RE's picture
RE
Posts: 4606
Joined: Feb 2004

Glenna what a genuine post, thank you for sharing with us. I am very sorry for all the hardships that have crossed your path this year, sometimes we can be so overwhelmed and yet we fight our way back to sanity. My condolences for the loss of your brother, I lost a sister a few years back and I know the pain. I do hope your husband and your health are improving and that your daughter has gotten the help she needs to aide her as she deals with such a difficult time.

As one who believes in the Lord I think we all tend to put him on the back burner at times when our lives get busy or when we are just having too much fun, I will admit in times of trouble he is who I call on, he is who I turn to (yes of course I turn to my husband too) but the Lord has always been my strong hold in any storm and my life has had many a storm.
It sounds to be as though you have a relationship with God, I am one who considers myself born again but you know if at 16 I had not knowingly made that decision to be born again and had died I believe I would still have gone to heaven as I still think I was born again I just didn’t know I was. I like you have always felt the presence of the Lord and even as a child I have chatted with him in a casual way throughout my day, (I can hear folks saying “oh now she is a nut case” trust me I am not) God has pretty much always been in my life. When folks speak of being born again they always quote John 3:16, however the passage in the bible that actually uses the words “born again” is in John 3:3, I looked it up once for a good friend who needed to know if the term “born again” was actually biblical. I think when we casually chat with God it is a form of prayer, you are communing with God during your chat.

I agree that God did not smite you with cancer; it is what it is if we did not have cancer we would have something else none of us get out alive so I have heard. I like that you pray for folks weather they ask me to or not probably cause I do the same thing.
Again thank you for the beautiful from the heart post, I will be praying for you and yours I truly wish you all the best.

RE

Glenna M's picture
Glenna M
Posts: 1580
Joined: May 2009

Thank you for your beautiful and kind response. It's meeting warm and caring people like you on this site that makes the cancer journey easier.

I think the reason I don't consider myself born again is because I never stopped believing, I got too busy and side tracked occasionally but I never stopped feeling that God was in my life. I must really be a "nut case" as I talk to God quite often during the day, sometimes when I am looking out the picture window in my dining room while I am having my morning coffee I will see a sunrise, the snow falling or a bird feeding and I will thank him for all the beautiful things he created. I don't always say these things out loud as I don't feel I have to in order for him to hear me. I think I notice the beautiful things in life more often since my diagnosis - maybe I am finally taking the time to "stop and smell the roses". I could go on and on about the short discussions I have with God during the course of my day but I don't want everyone to know just how crazy I really am - LOL

Yes, it does seem as though I have had more than my share of drama and pain over the past two years but it has only made me a stronger person. This year everything in my life seems to be getting better and we have been able to relax and enjoy life more. My daughter is getting stronger emotionally, she became a grandmother in December and I think she now realizes how much she has to live for. My husband and I both think that 2010 will be a much better year for all of us, it has to get better as we both feel we hit rock bottom last year and the only way to go is up.

As usual I hadn't meant for this to be a long post but it seems as though I get started and can't stop :-)

Again RE, thank you for your caring response. I will be praying for you and your family as well as everyone who has been affected by this horrible disease.

Stay strong and keep smiling,
Glenna

papajedi's picture
papajedi
Posts: 110
Joined: Oct 2009

Our loving father knows the beginning and the end, we are his and he is ours. I am so awed by his loving kindness toward us:)

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

Great Post first off...........I think that whether we go to church or not has no bearing on our faithfullness to the Lord. I think the church only gives us a place to "gather" with other Christians to worship the Lord but if we choose not to gather as long as we hold Him on high we are still His children. So my thinking is because of your faith you will always be a child of God whether you attend church or not. Yes we have tendencies to drift away for a bit but there is always reason to return, a child of God knows the reason also. I also think that He doesn't inflict pain and suffering although He could if He wanted to. I do think though that He is with us when we are at our worse and is still with us when we are at our greatest...He did give us free will and that is where we learn by mistakes about our walk of life and take what we learn from it to do His works and worship Him for forgiving us all of our sins and failures as long as we follow His teachings...

Glenna M's picture
Glenna M
Posts: 1580
Joined: May 2009

Thank you Buzzard for your sincere response. I feel I have my own beautiful "church" at home. I often pray while looking out my picture window at the mountains and blue sky, I'm fortunate to live in the country surrounded by mountains that are so beautiful when they are snow covered in the winter so I get to see some of God's most beautiful work everyday. There is never a day that I don't thank him for all of this beauty. I've never felt that He wasn't watching over me simply because I chose not to worship him in a church.

Stay strong and keep smiling.

Glenna

Hondo's picture
Hondo
Posts: 5648
Joined: Apr 2009

Very beautifully put; none of understand the reason why we go though trials & affliction in our life. Who’s to say if Jesus sometime don’t sit on the side of our bed at night crying when he sees all that sin has done to his children.

In the end Religion will not save anyone for we are not saved by Church we are saved by grace through Faith in Jesus.

God be with you

Glenna M's picture
Glenna M
Posts: 1580
Joined: May 2009

You're right, none of us can understand how He works or why some people have to go through more trials during their life than others. I've never tried to understand, I would drive myself crazy trying to understand why others seem to be blessed with all of the good things in life (health and happiness, not material things) while others suffer and struggle everyday. I feel it is the life we have been dealt and you just have to find your own way of dealing with it.

Stay strong and keep smiling.

Glenna

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