Jan 14, 2010 - 4:10 pm
You know, I asked before if it gets any easier and I think I have found that no it will never get easier. You just learn to accept what has happened and you try to move forward. I went and cleaned out my husband's closet today and went through and packed up his clothes. It was very hard to do but I felt that I could not procrastinate any longer. I went to the cemetery yesterday to visit with him and I cried. It was actually the first time that I had seen the engraving on the crypt and it was pure reality. It was not a dream, he is not away on a trip and he is never returning. I talked to him and I felt close to him there and I'm sure that I will be visiting him often weather permitting. I sit here in the evenings second guessing myself if I did the right thing giving him the medications they advised and wondering if it shortened his life instead. Then I find myself blaming hospice and the doctors because I feel that if he were this sick, why was I left to administer the medications and why didn't he have 24 hour nursing. I am not a qualified nurse and was told to administer narcotics! My husband died on 11/24/09 and I just received a condolence card from the hospice agency two days ago!!! Now that shows me just how much they really cared. Yeah, they care because they're not getting any money any more. If I sound angry, I am very angry. I feel that my husband was let down by the whole medical field in the end. Not one time did the doctor call the house to see how he was doing. I did receive a condolence card from his Oncologist but from his primary care physician, not one word!!!!! I know I'm changing doctors. So I have found that it does not get any easier, there is just acceptance of what has occurred and you try to pick up and go on.