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Not sure if this numbness is healthy

onlyhuman
Posts: 102
Joined: Sep 2009

Hi all
I lost my husband 6 weeks ago and I know they say that shock is an udnerstandable initial reaction but I am not in shock...just numb. I have not made any conscious effort to block things out but it sort of feels like I have stopped feeling. Last year was a massive year and the last 4 weeks of his life were very intense but surely six weeks is long enough for the shock if any to wear off. His sisters tell me that they cry everyday. I may tear up but the tears dont come (I cried at his funeral but not since). I am conscious of the need to have my daughters (aged 9 and 3) see me grieve and see that its ok to grieve but my body just won't. Did anyone else find themselves feeling numb the first few months after?
Sangeeta

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1154
Joined: May 2008

About numbness, but i felt like my heart was riped out and i cried alot at first and i still cry everyday and it has been 9 months since my husband died, We are all different but we do go on it takes time alot of time. take care

michelle

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

I still have moments of numbness. I don't believe that there is a time limit for any form of grieving. We each have a right to grieve however long it takes in whatever way we can. Gee, I sound a little militant about it, don't I? I guess I am. I just think we are all entitled to our feelings. We lost one of the most important people in our world. Now we have to rebuild a world without him where we can find peace. That's not going to happen in weeks or months or maybe even years. I'm just going to keep doing the best I can, when I can, however I can,and wherever I can. That was my own little pep talk to me. Thanks for tuning in. Fay

SamsWife
Posts: 51
Joined: Sep 2007

Hi,

I have a sneaking suspision that you are exhausted! You've been through one of the most traumatic experiences in life and you have two small children - I think it sounds very reasonable for you to feel numb right now. You have gone and are going through an emotionally, spiritually and physically draining period of time - I think you should just go with it and not worry about it. I'll bet this is your mind, body and spirit's way of protecting you. The fact that you're aware enough to worry about your own well-being and the well-being of your children is a good sign. I'm not a doctor but I don't think this sounds unusual. I believe in time you will start feeling again - maybe bit by bit or maybe all at once - I hope bit by bit. I wouldn't worry right now - maybe in time if you're still not feeling anything that would be cause for worry. I think you should just let yourself off the hook and just be for a while - take care of you and the babies and all will be well. I was in therapy for a while and my therapist asked what I was going to do for myself that day - I had no answer - I was so used to tending to everyone else that I really didn't even know what I enjoyed doing any more. She gave me "homework". She said I had to pick something to do - take a candlelit bath with soft music - take my dog for a walk, etc. Just one thing each day just for me. I have to tell you that was huge for me. I had to slowly reteach myself how to find happiness or at least a place of peace for myself. I hope this helps you.

Good luck and take care!

fudgemudge
Posts: 2
Joined: Feb 2010

I just lost my husband last night to pancreatic cancer last night. It had metastisized to his liver. They had done several palliative procedures on him and he was comfortable and pain free when he passed. The numbness is so over whelming and the tears are streaming like someone opened the flood gates. We had so little time after they diagnosed him. He was diagnosed in December and we spent Christmas in the hospital and he was in ICU for New Years. He wanted to come home and be at home, so I brought him home a week ago and now he's gone. I feel so lost and although everyone tells me it will get better it is so hard to believe. I have a friend, who means well, that told me last night to get rid of his things right away. That I should just keep a few of his things and get rid of everything else. I am sorry I am rambling. Thank you for letting me share some of my grief.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in Oct, 2009. Numbness is a good description of my first few days after his death. I was functioning, doing everything that needed to be done, but much of those first few days are a blur. I don't think that is a bad thing. Our feelings of loss and hurt are so deep, the numbness helps us. Don't let anyone tell you how you should grieve, or what you should do. I still haven't dealt with all of my husband's stuff. He had a lot of stuff, collections, etc. I will deal with them when I am ready, in my own time. I did go through his clothes a couple of weeks ago. Even then, I decided to keep some. Sometimes I take the advice of "well meaning" friends, sometimes I don't. For now, embrace the numbness. Take care of yourself and give yourself permission to grieve in your way and in your time. Fay

fudgemudge
Posts: 2
Joined: Feb 2010

I, too, am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your insight to the numbess. Although he had given me some insight to the fact he was passing, and medical professionals had told me cancer patients seem to have an insight to the coming of their death, there wasn't anything that had me prepared for the numbness. I have spoken with one of his doctors since his passing and he told me to be proud of what I did for him to the very end. I gave him the passing he wanted by having him home, keeping him as pain free as possible and by having his loved ones with him when he went. All those that were involved in his care could see the special love and relationship we had. He worried about me until the end and I was worried about him until the end. We each put the other one before ourself, and he said that is rare to find in todays world. He never wanted to become a burden on me and I wanted to be there and take care of him until the end.

It is a comfort to be able to talk with others that have been where I am and can understand how I feel.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

Sadly, many of us here have shared in the sadness of losing a loved one to cancer. Sharing with each other is really a help. After the numbness, comes all those other feelings. Sometimes we have to take it hour by hour and minute by minute. Often, it's the little things that hit us hard. Take care, Fay

FlDino
Posts: 11
Joined: Nov 2009

My wife died 3 weeks ago and I still cry 3-4 times a day. 23 and a half years and there wasn't much we did apart. Even though I knew she was going we both though we had more time. Hospice kept her comfortable but at the end it seems they kept her too far out of it. The last week she was almost comatose.

That said, I go through her stuff every other day it seems. Only 15 minutes at a time however before I lose it again. Some things get thrown out...underwear and stuff like that no one would want anyway. Things that were HER memories. So far anything that were between us is staying. Doesn't hurt anything. just will deal as I can.

The pain and emptiness will never leave for me and I am just going through the motions. Maybe it will get "easier"....maybe I won't let it.

You do what's best for you. No one knows that better than you.

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