Jan 03, 2010 - 12:18 pm
I am 24 years old. My father died when I was 5. I am now about to lose my mother. She went into the hospital with shortness of breath on October 15th 2009. She has not been home since. Turns out she had lung cancer, stage 3b. They tried chemo with bad results and about a month of radiation. Now she is in hospice and everyday shes worse. Yesterday, she was calling me "mommy" and asking me to take off her sneakers. Today she told me she was in a popular local mall. When I asked if she was on something to make her this way, the nurse said she refused medicine that morning and that this is the natural progression of the cancer. I don't know what to do. A part of me doesnt want her to give in, but more of me feels like I want her suffering to end. But I feel guilty thinking I want her to die. This is not the way my mom would want the end to be. Seeing her like this and knowing how she was, tears me apart. I also want to be there for her, and most days I visit. But when Im there I cant control my emotions, I get physically ill and cant handle it. I know she is in good hands, I just hate all of this. I feel guilt for not persisting she quit smoking, feel guilt for not having her go to a doctor sooner and overall grief for what her life has become. She is 51 years old and is skin and bones and wearing a diaper. I saw this website and thought I could get support from people who have been down my road before. Does anyone have advice for me? I need it. Thank you all.