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The title of this thread is surviving caregivers?

MichelleP's picture
MichelleP
Posts: 254
Joined: May 2009

My husband passed on Oct 13, 2009. I am dying slowly each and every moment since then, so I wonder about the title of this thread. Do we truly survive the loss of a loved one or so we simply exist until it's "our turn"? I will never call myself a surviving caregiver, I will simply describe myself as someone who is "waiting my turn to leave this awful place".

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

Please, think about something for me if you will....Please take the time to think about helping someone that might need a little affection and a little attention like a grade school kid that may need a mentor or a big sister. Life is to precious to simply let it pass by. I know that you are very depressed and I understand completely but if you were to entertain the thought of getting out and actually getting close to a kid that needs you or any adult that will listen, you may find it very therapeutic for you as well as the child. There are many schools that want mentors and big brother or sister role models for children that are less fortunate than others. I have a boy at school that is 9 years old and has no father and he is a great young man, keeps me on my toes all the time and keeps me smiling with his wit, charm, and simple 9 yr old thinking. This place isn't awful, its just the state that you have wrapped yourself in that makes it very unbearable...Please, for your sake, venture out and regain yourself and find that there is more to this life than simply waiting for my turn to leave this awful place. Its not an awful place, what makes it awful is standing in one place waiting for something to happen, that only you can change, and not even trying. If I seem harsh, I don't try to be, I just wish for you to be able to function again, to smile again if only a little, to take baby steps at getting back some of the goodness in life that you had before. May you find your peace.....Love and Hope......Clift

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

It's not easy, but I am surviving. I have other family members who need me. I have friends who care. My husband's greatest concern was me. He often told me that my role as caregiver and surviving spouse was much harder than his. He even apologized to me the day before he died for "putting you through this." I assured (promised) him that I was a strong, independent woman and that I would be fine. I didn't tell him that I wouldn't hurt or miss him. I didn't even know that I would wake up each morning feeling his loss. He is the first thing I think of each morning, and the last thing I think about each night. But, I am surviving. I feel his presence in so many ways. We were married for 42 years and did a lot of growing up together. We have lived in this house for 34 years. I see him everywhere. He was a very generous and well loved man. I received over 80 sympathy cards and notes. He touched so many lives. I need to carry on where he left off. I have to survive. So do you. Knowing that we are starting a new year without the most important person in our lives is very hard. I won't wish you a happy new year because I understand how empty that makes us feel. I will wish you peace and love. Take care. I know you are a strong woman, too. Many of your posts have helped me. Fay

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1156
Joined: May 2008

The new year is not looking good to me right now i lost a diamond out of my ring news years day it will cost 200 to fix my car needs motor mounts they want to charge me 400 for that i will have to be moving out of our house by the first of march.Since angel died i had to make alot of decisions i am trying my best and thank goodness for this board i know that i am not alone in this journey and we almost have all the same feelings.I do feel like a widow thou. The holidays were tough for me but i have to continue to live the best i can easyer said then done, but its been almost 9 months since angel died. its seems like yesterday to me . Take care

michelle

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Angelsbaby,
Many of your posts have helped me as well. You were one of the first people to reach out to me here. I admired your strength and caring. As I learn more about the financial problems you are struggling with, I admire you more and more. I just wanted to let you know that you are one of my role models. Thank you. My prayers are with you. I hope you also find some peace in the new year. Fay

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1156
Joined: May 2008

you are so kind thank you.

michelle

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

MichellP, How are you today. I know that we both are into taking one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I hope today is a little better. Fay

lbinmsp's picture
lbinmsp
Posts: 266
Joined: Jun 2006

also gave me some pause. Your pain really touched off a storm of emotion in me. I'm a survivor (of my own cancer) and a surviving caregiver. The youngest of my brothers was diagnosed with acute myelogenous leukemia which took the pins out from under me. Then I was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Then my oldest brother was diagnosed with liver cancer. I flew to my youngest brother's side as often as I could (luckily he had a wonderful wife), then took care of my oldest brother through the short time he lived after his diagnosis. I lost both of them in less than a year and didn't know which way to run. I didn't know how to grieve or what to grieve for but most of all I felt guilty that I was the one to survive. They've both been gone for almost five years and I still find myself picking up the phone to call - or think 'I've got to tell Joe about that'. I don't have any wise advise for you. I can only tell you that it does get better over time. If you've got someone who will listen (not talk to you but listen!) - use them.

God bless!

simplylacy08's picture
simplylacy08
Posts: 8
Joined: Apr 2010

Ibinmsp,

I am also a caregiver, and undergoing cancer treatments myself. My older brother was diagnosed almost 5 years ago with Mesothelioma, and last may I was diagnosed with the same thing, almost unheard of for a 19 yr old female. I also lost my twin brother to cancer, and I completely understand your feeling of guilt for still being here while others have passed on. I also didn't know how to grieve, but instead but all my power into my older brothers illness, only then to find out I was sick too. I can't tell you how many times I think to myself that I need to tell Miles (my twin) something or walk into his room to see if he wants to go shoot some hoops, and he has been gone for almost 2 years.

I agree with finding a friend or someone who will listen to you. I have taken comfort in some of my friends here (I am a college student). I don't like the attention that being sick brings, but sometimes there's no choice but to rely on the strength of others when you feel weak.

I wish you the best!
-Lacy

lbinmsp's picture
lbinmsp
Posts: 266
Joined: Jun 2006

Hey Lacy - WOW! You've been through it too. You are too young to be going through this. I am so sorry! Mesothelioma? Isn't that asbestos related? I was born and raised in homes full of asbestos insulation but surprisingly none of us got meso. I hope you've got good doctors and it sounds like you've got some good support. I fully understand your feelings about the 'attention that being sick brings'. Some people are almost like vultures the way they almost demand every tiny piece of information from you - others treat you as though you're contagious! God bless you!

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I am very sorry to hear of all your troubles at such a young age. It's ok to lean on friends when you need to. That is what friends are for! I lost an uncle to meso. Have you checked into the financial help that is out their for victims of this disease? I am sure you have seen the ads on tv. I know my uncle got something. Take care of yourself, come here when you need support, and lean on family and friends. Fay

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