Dec 14, 2009 - 9:46 am
After a glorious 5-month remission where I actually felt GOOD and had hair and eyebrows and a LIFE, my cancer has recurred and I am back in chemo. It's hard enough to know that now my cancer is considered uncurable and my treatment 'palliative'. But having it happen at Christmas makes it particularly hurtful a blow.
Christmas 2008 was the hardest period of my initial treatment protocol, isolated from my grandchildren because my immunity was so compromised, no Christmas parties or pageants at church or school, no shopping trips to the mall, no making gingerbread houses, .. instead needle sticks and long days at the clinic. And Christmas 2009 looks to be the same. I guess I'm in a self-Pity Party funk today. I need to be getting dressed to leave for my weekly chemo infusion, but am putting it off because my new port is so sore and I know how painful it will be to wiggle out of this robe.
I've been so very blessed in my life. I keep reminding myself of the decades of perfect health I enjoyed before cancer caught me. I see the pain in my family's eyes, and I know it is reflective of the love I have been so blessed to receive in such abundance. But I hate being the cause of their pain and tears. I can see the defeat in my poor husband's eyes, spending his days carting me back and forth to the doctor's and sitting there witnessing the multiple indignities and assaults on my poor body. The exhausting routine has gotten 'old' I'm sure and I know that he already mourns the losing the rowdy fun strong sexy woman he married, replaced by this haunted scarred old woman.
Wow. I really AM in a Pity Party! Yikes. The photo I use now was taken in October (just 2 months ago!) on our wonderful "Remission Celebration" trip to Greece, Turkey and Italy. We thought I was cured; I was my old self again, able to hike up hundreds of steps to monastaries and archeological ruins with ease. You can see how blessed I am, to be financially and physically able to do this just 2 months ago. Maybe I can get back into remission again and steal little chunks of the good life between treatment regimes! Okay. I've vented. I'm given myself a pep talk. I better go get dressed for chemo.