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This is so hard

CherylMike
Posts: 118
Joined: Oct 2009

My husband passed away of head and neck cancer on October 31. He had fought for 2 years - went through chemos, radiations, a test trial . . . Mike died at home surrounded by his family. When he passed, my 21 year old and I bathed and dressed him, which was one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. I am having such a hard time. We would have been married for 25 years on December 27. I am trying like crazy to have a "merry" holiday for my kids (my 13 year old and 21 year old live at home - the 23 year old is on her own). I found out today that we cannot live in our house anymore/financial reasons (we have lived here for over 7 years). My 13 year old is really have a hard time with this as it is a pile on. I am just overwhelmed and incredibly sad. I miss my husband so much, he was my best friend. I had taken a leave of absence to care for Mike. When I tried to return, the company had gone out of business. So, I do not have a job. I guess today was just a bad day and I am more upset then usual. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this crushing loneliness and pain. I talk to my sister-in-law and mom, but it really doesn't help. I also need some advice on how to get through leaving my home and all it's memories - my family has had some very good times here. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you~Cheryl

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1161
Joined: May 2008

I am sorry about the passing of your husband. My husband died april 16 2009 from colon cancer he was 53 and we were married 35 yrs. Now i am going threw the same as you can't afford the mortage with out angel so its up for a short sale we lived there 13 yrs.angel's harley road king was repoed that was really hard for me, the dryer took a crap my 30 yr old son who was staying with me was using meth so he is out of the house.Everything that was our life with our husbands are no more. I am so alone in the house i am in bed by 6.30 is that wierd or what . I have 2 grankids anthony is 7 and haley is 8 i see them on the weekends sometimes they miss thier grandpa. I am taking one day at a time and have joined a berevment group threw hospice. Maybe that will help you and your youngest. We are on our own to make the best decisions take it slow We just lost the love of our life then we have to deal with such hard things. But i am doing ok I am scared about moving but i have no other choice. And any funding you can get being a widow with children you get it soon. Please take care and no that you are not alone .

michelle

sassy1
Posts: 54
Joined: Oct 2009

I lost my husband on November 24, 2009 to lung cancer after a seven year battle. He was on hospice since August and we just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary on 6/22/09 while he was in the hospital. He had been extremely ill and it was ongoing since May and I took Family Leave from my job to care for him. Unfortunately, after the funeral on the 28th of November my employer came over to pay his condolences on the 29th and at that time I asked when I could return to work and was told that there was no longer a position available for me. It took me by surprise but on 12/2 I went on line and filed for unemployment and will start receiving it next week. My husband was 21 years older than I but we were perfect soul mates. We were existing on his social security so when he passed away, that stopped immediately. Thank goodness that I will start to get the unemployment because otherwise, I don't know what I would do. All I can say is, just take it a moment at a time and sometimes things have a way of working out one way or another. When the Chaplin came to see me from hospice prior to the service for my husband, he asked if I was financially able to handle things but he did say that if I had a problem of any kind to contact them and they would do whatever they could to help. Just know you are not alone.
Shirley

MyTurnNow's picture
MyTurnNow
Posts: 2694
Joined: Aug 2009

Cheryl, I am so very sorry for your loss. I, too, lost my husband many years ago. We were both young at the time and also had a daughter that was only 2 years old. You are eligible for social security benefits for your 13 year old and also widow's benefits for you as long as you are not working. You will need to call them, if you haven't already. I know the sadness you are going through and wish you comfort. Just take it one day at a time and enjoy the company of your children and the memories you have. Take care.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on Oct 20, 2009. We had been married for 42 years. As you can see there are a number of us here. I am one of the lucky few that doesn't have any serious financial problems. I also have a strong support system with family, friends, and church. Believe me, I know how fortunate I am. That said, I understand the sadness, pain, and loneliness. I know that Christmas is going to be very difficult for all of us. I got through Thanksgiving with a good cry the day after. The thing I have found helpful is giving myself permission to grieve. I think all too often we try to be strong and don't allow ourselves to grieve. I have been told by several of the older women in our church who have been where we are, that it's ok to cry and that I may find myself doing that for unknown reasons and without warning for months to come. I have also read that there is something called "the fog of grief." I was glad to read that others lose things, have trouble focusing, and don't always finish what they started. I left my cat's litter box standing on end one day. Boy, was he upset with me. Please remember that you need to take care of yourself first. A support group is a good idea. Also check with the cancer society, I think they have some programs for teens who have lost a parent to cancer. Thirteen is a tough age only made tougher by everything else you are dealing with. You are in my thoughts. Fay

CherylMike
Posts: 118
Joined: Oct 2009

Thank you all for your caring words. Today I found out that social security just adjudicated my application and it will be any where from 24 to 60 days (depending on who you talk to) before kicking in. I am going to start applying for jobs tomorrow. My 21 year old (who lives at home) lost his job due to downsizing and has responded to at least 50 different help wanted ads. So far, nothing. I hope that someone hires him and I can find a job. I find that I am very forgetful now. Multi-tasking use to be my speciality. Now, I can only do one thing at a time and usually do not do well at that. My concentration level is zero. I read books and could not even tell you the name of the characters when I finish. Pretty sad. I had planned on going to my sister-in-laws for Christmas, but am not sure that I will be up to it. Things are so difficult. I miss Mike more than ever and am just coming to terms with the fact that he will not be "coming home". It is really, really hard. I still have everything the way he left it (I gave some of his clothing to his family and my kids) - even his electric toothbrush is still plugged in. I just can not, not have his things around me (hope that makes sense). Once again, thank you for your insights and listening to me. I will say a prayer for everyone. ~Cheryl

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1161
Joined: May 2008

jobs are hard to find here in az too, I am sure something will pop up for you and your son.I have left angels things alone too his combs are where he left them i smell them often,some of his clothes i gave to relatives. all his colonges are in the same place i just don't feel i need to do anything with them but leave them alone.It seems to me that sometimes i think angel is in the hospital and will be coming home but as time goes on i know that he will never come home again, and like you i miss him so much these holidays have made me sad and not want to be around anyone but i push my self to buy presents for the grandkids but my heart is not in it,Our minds are clouded with grief and sadness i really can't remember things to well myself but i hope it will get better and i think it has for me time does heal some.It will be 8 months that i have not seen angel and for some reason it feels like yesterday. I do wish you and your family happy holidays I know that things have to work out for you i am sending good vibes for that to happen.
take care

michelle n

CherylMike
Posts: 118
Joined: Oct 2009

Michelle~ I have Mike's cologne bottle by my bed. I like to smell the fragrance when I am down, it makes me feel better. I also live in AZ. It seems like the weather has mirrored my mood (rainy and cold). It was really bad today. I still have not showered or brushed my teeth. I think the week caught up with me. Tonight I feel better, but am still in a funk. I am hoping tomorrow will be better. I am taking my 13 year old to get a pair of jeans. He has outgrown all his old jeans, only 1 fits. He is at the age where he outgrows things faster then he can wear them out. I am glad that you went shopping for your grandkids. I have not done any Christmas shopping. I need to (especially for the 13 year old). We did get a tree and put it up. It makes the house smell good. Thank you for sending good vibes my way. I need it. I hope your Christmas will bring you some joy - your grandkids will help. You are in my prayers~Cheryl

marywest's picture
marywest
Posts: 135
Joined: Sep 2009

I have read your post and the other two ladies posts over and over again, I felt so speechless and wanted despartely to hold you and make everything ok for you, and for them. You have such a broken heart and a loss in your life. It has to be very hard on your children and bless your heart for wanting to make christmas cheerful for them. I have a suggestion, perhaps you have done this, I dont' know, but when we were faced with a crisis like this in our family, what I did was sit down with my kids and had a heartfelt family meeting. I had a pen and paper for each of us. I said at this time in our life, things are changing fast, we're hurt, confused, money problems, jobs etc. but we can't lose site of each others needs, we can't lose site of needing and loving each other and we cant lose site of our future together. I said we are each going to make a list of the things we want. doesn't matter what it is, anything you can think of whatever it is you want, write it down. My list was huge, I wanted my kids to be comforted, healthy, laughing again, I wanted money, a friend, etc etc. We all wrote and made our list together. When we were done I read them these three scriptures. John 14;13 And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the father may be glorified in the Son, v;14 if ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it. Mark 11;24 Therefore I say unto you, what things soever ye desire, when you pray believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them. Ephesians 3;20 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think according to the power that worketh in us. I said we are going to give God our list, God either told the truth or he was lying. He wasn't lying. This allowed our family to come together and be like minded, it was a beginning for us to see our own individual needs and wants in life. I kept those lists, and one by one I was crossing them off. My kids were crossing them off. It gave us a direction as a family on where to go. Don't worry about when and where or how these requests will get answered, thats Gods business, your business is to not worry, and as much as possible be at peace, because if God says it, then he will do it. The words shall in the bible, means absolutley without a shadow of a doubt, it will happen. Cheryl there is nothing to hard for God. I am praying and beleiving for your finances to get met and more, for your kids to laugh again and be blessed, for your heart healing. I thank God for your new place to live in. It will work out, dont' trust what you see or feel, trust God. If I could hug you right now I would, I know God has his arms held tightly around you, he will provide. God bless

CherylMike
Posts: 118
Joined: Oct 2009

Thank you for your caring words. I will definitly sit down with the kids and make up lists. My husband and I use to do that. We had our short term goals and long term goals (when we retired we wanted to buy a sailboat and sail the Carribean). I think it will help all of us. My 13 year old went to the counselor last night. He told me that I did not need to schedule another appointment, that my son will let me know when he needs to talk. I took this as a good sign. I, on the other hand, had a really bad day today. It was hard just to get out of bed (I have had a very stressful week and think it just all caught up with me today). I feel better this evening. I have been reading a book my mom gave me years ago - WORDS OF WISDOM. I found a passage Psalms 40:1&2 I waited patiently for God to help me; then He listened and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out from the bog and the mire, and set my feet on a hard, firm path and steadied me as I walked along. I read this every night and pray for God to lift me up and set me down on firm ground. I know it will happen, I am just having such a hard time getting there. Thank you once again for your words of support~Cheryl

marywest's picture
marywest
Posts: 135
Joined: Sep 2009

Its ok having a hard time, you have every right to cry, sometimes it is so hard you can't speak, God doesnt expect you to get cheerful, he doesn't expect you nor would he dare ask you to change your heart and get positive during a time like this. The great thing is, while we cry and feel so desparate and sad, he is working making things happen, he is lining things up right now for you while I am typing. Trusting God doesnt' mean to become happy. He is our strength, cause we dont' have any! He causes us to have victory, because we are in a battle and cannot fight it, he fights our battles and causes us to win. If you can not get out of bed, dont', if all you can do is cry, then cry, continue to give yourself the freedom to grieve. sometimes people think that to trust and love God means you have to have a positive attitude, you dont'! I am very blessed to hear that about your 13yr old, kids have a way of healing up faster, that in itself is an answer from God. You will have many more stressful days, so make sure you have your bed ready with soft pillows to cry on, books or tapes, or cds to listen to, have the phone un-plugged. let your kids know that those times are for you
to greive and remind them you will be ok so they dont' get scared of losing you. When its time for mommie to go lay down then they are aware you need but your still there for them. I have that book, Words of Wisdom, was given to me about 20 years ago. I will not stop praying for you, and remember at all times, God has his arms wrapped tightly around you and is protecting you and your kids, he will fight and defend you, so you cry all you want, he is our dad with a more tender heart than any one on this planet. If you would like some gifts sent for your kids for christmas I would love to buy them something and have it mailed by the company. You wouldnt' have to go shopping and be around hoards of people. I could have something sweet mailed to them, it would bless me to do that. If you would let me do that here is my email and you can let me know. marywest8888@yahoo.com now go hug your kids and hug your pillow

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

I read your posts and those of the rest of us who seem to be in the same place emotionally. I read about your dogs on another post. My lab is probably in the wild child category. He makes me laugh, too. It's good to hear that your son is coping for now. I'm sure he will have some rough patches as time goes on. We all will. I understand days when you just want to curl up at home. I've done a lot of reading escapism books like mysteries. Then sometimes I feel like I'm over scheduled because so many are "looking after me" and inviting me places. Today I'm having lunch with my kids and grandkids about an hour and 1/2 away. Tomorrow I'm going to a Christmas Concert. I have made a point now of taking time to myself.

The weather affects me, too. I live in CA and we got snow a few days ago. Our house is at about 2000 foot elevation in the foothills of the Sierra. We only get snow a couple of times a year and it doesn't stay long. Now it is rainy and gloomy. At least the snow was pretty. Take care, Fay

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