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Tired of being angry

JAW19's picture
JAW19
Posts: 6
Joined: Dec 2009

My name is Josh,

I am going on 27, and my mom has been gone since March 25, 2003. She was my best friend, the person who instilled everything good about me, and my favorite person to talk to because she understood better than anyone else. I buried all the pain for 5 years only for it to surface when drunk. Once moving to Southern California it all started to come out and I did counseling through my school. I am in a reallly good position compared to where I have been. The one thing that I struggle with moving past though is the anger. Anger towards this disease that I could do nothing to fight, and anger for such a beautiful person to go through that pain. I am tired of being angry, but it runs so deep, and strong. I think I am finally ready to fully let go of her and the anger.

I don't know how to move on at this point. I think getting on here is a good step. I would like to find others to relate to, help even. It is taking its toll on me. I do not want my moms death to become my cancer though.

ttamng
Posts: 10
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Josh,
I feel your pain. I'm very sad now.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1625
Joined: Aug 2009

Don't ever let go of your mother. She will always be a part of your life. But..try to look beyond the anger and remember the good memories. As a mother I can tell you, your mother would not have wanted you to be eaten up by anger. Can you turn the anger to action by finding ways to fight cancer? Volunteer to help. Check with you local cancer society and find out where help is needed. My husband died from cancer in Oct. 2009. I have already signed up for our Relay for Life here. I'm working with another lady to put together a team at our church. There are other volunteer opportunities out there, too. I'm glad you are getting counseling. Take care, Fay

JAW19's picture
JAW19
Posts: 6
Joined: Dec 2009

You are right Fay. I am looking into the local branch near me, and hope to go soon. I have too many good memories to let them be lost. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I wish I could have found something like this after my loss. I admire your ability to be on here helping others so soon after your loss. Also it is comforting to hear from a mother. If I have learned one thing with this trauma is you need to face the pain and feel it, not bury it away.

Take care,

Josh

pipwe1's picture
pipwe1
Posts: 53
Joined: Oct 2009

Hi Josh... this is a good place for you to start.. Im just sorry that you didn't find it before so you didn't have to endure 5 years of pain. My parent died August 4th 2009... so my pain and anger are still very fresh. Being here will help... As Fay said... never let go of your mother... just the pain... someone said to me once on here.... cancer has already taken something precious from you... don't let it take anymore, don't let it destroy you. Your mother is now at peace and pain free...

I will keep you in my thoughts

Wendy

JAW19's picture
JAW19
Posts: 6
Joined: Dec 2009

Wendy,

You are very right. Getting on here and sharing so soon after your loss is a testament to your strength. It it funny you mention that point about not letting the cancer consume me. I have finally come to that conclusion. My mom's death has been a cancer to me and I want to be rid of that cancer. She is better off then the suffering in her last days. Yet It tears at me this thing I can't see, touch, or interact with brought all her suffering and death. This sends me into a rage that is so contradictive to the person I am. It has come out too many times under the influence of alcohol. Then I can't feel it to move past it. I try now each day to bring it up to dispel it the right way, but have no idea now to find it. It is there though ruining my life. My mom would want none of his, in a way I think I have accepted her death, and let go of her. Yet the anger towards cancer is the last bit which I can't let go of. Hopefully you can know even right now with the intensity of all your feelings you must share, you must feel, and deal with it. I do feel lucky I am here at 27 and not 57. Still time has been lost, and my life is being affected. I can tell you that in dealing with all the pain, anger, etc.... In a year I have made huge strides, where in 5 years of ignoring it, making no progress. Time will make the healing better, you are in a great place though to deal as well. Please continue to share, and your in my thoughts as well.

Take care,

Josh

DCD1028
Posts: 11
Joined: Jun 2010

My name is Deanna. My mother died of this horrible disease in 2002 and my youngest daughter died of it also in 2001. After reading your entry i can fully understand how the anger can consume you. My brother actually shared with me a book that was extremely helpful and i have finally released the anger and starting to enjoy life again as they would want me too. I hope you get this and it helps the name of the book is "THE SHACK" you can get it at Wal-Mart or on-line. Hope to hear from you.
Deanna

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