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i'm good at pretending

lisaonthenet
Posts: 68
Joined: Nov 2009

i'm getting good at pretending i'm ok
at telling you i'm fine
that Kelly's pain is getting better
i'm good at masking reality
at hiding in the shadows and teardrops

Lisa

marywest's picture
marywest
Posts: 135
Joined: Sep 2009

Even in the deepest part of your heart, a place no one else knows besides you, your still not alone, God only looks at the heart and in the heart and what goes on is between you and God. Stay sweet.

lisaonthenet
Posts: 68
Joined: Nov 2009

i guess i forgot how radiation makes one feel
the fatigue and not feeling good
seems odd i'd forget
but i think my mind chose to forget and wished you'd never have to go through it again

marywest's picture
marywest
Posts: 135
Joined: Sep 2009

Is it a close friend or relative going through radiation or are you going through it again?

lisaonthenet
Posts: 68
Joined: Nov 2009

My partner has mets thyroid cancer and it is her and our experience I write about...

Lisa

marywest's picture
marywest
Posts: 135
Joined: Sep 2009

Your awesome to stand by her side. Where she goes, you go. She is blessed to have to you. It has to be very difficult for you at times, a person going through cancer has so many ups and downs and we re-act to them and half the time not knowing what to do and feeling helpless. My daughter left her job and life in Hawaii to come stay with me when I was diagnosed with cancer. she hated feeling like she was helpless. I confirmed with her, having her in the same room was my comfort. I didn't need words i needed companionship. I could cry when I wanted to, I could laugh when i wanted to and she gave me all the freedom in the world to have a triple personality. No one said life is easy, and it isnt' easy by any means for you, but your there and loving her. When it all boils down, the one thing we need to receive and the one thing we need to give is love. My heart is with you, you are more important to her than you will ever know. Stay sweet.

lisaonthenet
Posts: 68
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi marywest,

Thanks for your kind words. I feel blessed to be part of Kelly's life as well. It has been difficult on both of us and our relationship but we're stronger for it I think. I tell myself that anyway. You and your daughter sound like remarkable people. I think I know what you mean. Sometimes just having someone there, even in silence, speaks volumes.

Take care,
Lisa

marywest's picture
marywest
Posts: 135
Joined: Sep 2009

Lisa I bet this whole thing is harder on you than her. You must be having mixted emotions, many times I felt guilty for my daughter being with me, crap she gave up her life, dating, working, school all of that. I am so thankful she stayed that I dont' have the words for it, and she is still her but now going back to school and starting to get her life back. I dont' know how strong your relationship is, I know it really is a day by day walk. She isn't the same person as she was dealing with cancer, it ruins your body and your mind, and it puts a strain on any relationship, its easy to get frustrated over nothing, then you get a guilt trip for getting frustrated, then there's times you get scared. It must be difficult for you to because you almost have to hide alot of thoughts and feelings inside so you don't hurt her feelings and yet you would be screaming in the inside for needing someone to talk to. I am learning some of this because my daughter is able now to tell me how she felt being around me. It was lonely for her at times and she wished many times that neither of us had to go through it. Lisa, I am praying for you, serious, I dont' say that cause it sounds good, I am not religous I just love God. I am thanking him for your strength, and that you get your needs met and more than anything having a peaceful heart and sweet sleeps. God Bless

lisaonthenet
Posts: 68
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi. I won't say this is harder on me than Kelly but it's the hardest thing I've ever been through so far. Mixed emotions are a daily, if not hourly, event...yes. I can understand you feeling guilty for your daughter making changes in her life to be there for you but it was her decision and it sounds like you respected and appreciated that.

You mentioned your daughter not being the same? Why is that?

Yes, all of this does put a strain on relationships but we're stronger for it and will never give up, on her fight, each other or our relationship. Sometimes in the heat of things it's so hard but I feel like I always have that to hang on to and hope Kelly feels the same.

Yes I do keep some things inside but we're trying to get to a point where we share everything. Not sure there's a need to keep it in. In a way I feel like it's not fair and we're not being honest. We have the same fears.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. It means a lot.

How are you doing this weekend?

Lisa

marywest's picture
marywest
Posts: 135
Joined: Sep 2009

You may or may not want to do this but, while she is alive and fighting all of this. Have you ever thought about making a journal together for the both of you. Maybe have. The poems you write, print them off, the thoughts that she has or something that touched her heart, print it off and save them in a journal. It is something you two can do together, a life journal for both of you. Pictures of you two, put them in it and write what was going on that day. You can take some very funny pictures, or gather some. It can become a very wonderful book made by both of you. Collecting her thoughts and putting them into written form and adding them. When a month goes by you can look back and read what she had to say or what you had to say. There are some really touching stickers to add around the poems or pictures. Each page can be different. Its an idea of something to do now for the both of you. Its also a great christmas gift, you could try to get a bunch of baby pictures of her growing up and add them. You could call it a book of love.

lisaonthenet
Posts: 68
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi marywest,

Thanks so much for sharing your suggestion. Part of me has a hard time considering doing this while Kelly's alive but I'll think about it. I'm afraid she'll think I'm afraid I'm going to lose her. I do share everything I write with her. To me, it's one way of involving her in what I'm feeling. I think it works well.

Thanks again for the wonderful idea and sharing it,
Lisa

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