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I used to have a dream....

pipwe1's picture
pipwe1
Posts: 53
Joined: Oct 2009

I used to have a dream of a life so full of love, a home with a white picket fence and rocking chairs on the porch... God willing a child to raise, a home so full of laugher. Then cancer raised it's ugly head and took my life away. Now all I have are memories and dreams of what could have been. The house is empty and I am alone and the child will never be. My footsteps echo around the house with no one but me to hear. I can't smell you anymore.. I can't remember your voice... I can't remember your smile.... You don't come to me in my dreams.

I lied when I told you it was ok for you to go... All I wanted was for your pain to stop but now the pain is mine. My heart is broken.... I will never be the same, I miss you more than words can say and have cried a million tears. If I could just have one more day with you, a day free from hospitals, medications, pain and tears, a day to just love you and have you love me one more time.... we could sit and hold hands, look into each others eyes and know that we were mean't to be. I would make sure that the day would last forever..... But I have learnt the hard way... dreams never come true.. so until we meet again my love.. I will try to be strong... I will try and carry on living in this empty world. xxx

" Just When The Caterpillar Thought Her Life Was Over........She Became A Butterfly"

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

If you talked with any of those who regularly visit these boards, you would find that they all had dreams of long healthy lives, wonderful marriages, beautiful children, fulfilling careers, that were cut short by the intrusion of cancer. I learned, at the age of 28, that I would never father a child or even experience an ejaculation. I am sure that there are many young women who were also made sterile. Many have gone through hellish treatments only to lose their heroic battle in the end. Like you, many have lost loved ones, either through death or divorce, because cancer proved larger than love. Those of us fortunate enough to survive are permanently changed by cancer. I survived cancer only to endure the deaths of every member of my immediate family.

We understand and share your grief as we travel our own paths. Please visit us often.

Love and Courage!

Rick

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

What can I say? I know there are no words that can help the pain. I remember thinking when we first learned that my husband was stage 4. I just kept hearing in my head, "We aren't going to grow old together." Normal for me has changed as it has for you. We are grieving not only our loved ones, but the life we thought we would have together. It's hard. People tell us that it will get better with time, but we find that hard to believe. Yet I know they are right. Our loved ones will always be a part of our lives and hearts, but the hurt will lessen. Most of us have experienced loss in the past, a parent or friend. Our grief did become less painful with time. I, too, told my soulmate that it was ok to go, that I would be alright. It takes courage to do that. You had that courage. Now you must find the courage to be alright. I'm working on that every day, every hour. We do need to honor those we love by surviving them with the love they entrusted us to carry forward. You can do this. We can do this. Fay

lisaonthenet
Posts: 68
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi. I can relate in some ways to your words. I've done a lot of writing since Kelly's thyroid cancer diagnosis. I think in some ways I miss the way we were before cancer. Kelly is still with me and I'm thankful for that but sometimes what we're missing I think gets in the way of the now, if that makes any sense.

Your heart is broken but I hope you can heal to some degree. You're changed yes. I wish some healing for you.

You sound very strong and I'll keep you in my thoughts,
Lisa

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