Cancer Survivors Network

I am still in treatment so not qualified to answer this. I think you ask a very key question which I ponder from time to time. I wonder if I can ever find peace in my life again? It will be interesting to see what some of the old salts around here respond as this is a major philosophical question. Hoping to learn from this thread.

Define peace and you will find peace. Really. If you truly take it upon yourself to go on that expedition to discover what peace is for you, you will find peace.

Cancer has little to do with it, in that regard.

But I do not think that this is what you are asking, RF, even though the answers are probably not so different.

I like to say, as you must know by now, that cancer is predisposed biologically to take something from us, physically, maybe even our very lives. But it is not designed to take away our mental faculties, our emotions, our inner strengths. Those traits we use to wrestle with the news and with the treatments and with the consequences of the treatments, and it is really up to us not to let cancer have more than biology has entitled it to have.

Some folks let cancer destroy their lives, destroy their marriages, destroy their careers. This is understandable, really. Some folks defy cancer to the point that they grow from it, become stronger, more assertive people than they were before, as if the cancer altered their egos in a positive way (although it didn't: that was always there, I believe, if untapped).

Some people defy cancer simply to the point that they go on with their lives and quit worrying about it. Or so it seems.

As for happiness specifically, I know that some folks take on new meaning from their survival. They recognize the reality of their mortality and, like butterflies emerging from co****s, they become beautiful and articulate individuals involved in the betterment of their personal lives, their communities and the world.

Some, like me, find personal fulfillment, at least in part, by becoming involved with sites like this, where I can share my own experiences and feel useful to some extent.

Regrettably, some folks also plunge into darkness from which they never recover completely if at all.

Peace is something, RF, that you discover for yourself. Cancer, it seems, can be an impetus for it, but, really, it is all about you and how you decide to live with it and beyond it.

My thoughts.

Take care,

Joe

I long for the naïve way I lived prior to cancer. The assumption of a long life. No (real) fear of death.

You never get that back

Every time you start adding up the "costs", start counting your blessings INSTEAD!

After it rains

Soccerfreaks....I still just can't believe what a wonderful person you seem to be:) I still have faith in truly beautiful people. Kind, yet imformative. I am not trying to stroke your ego either lol!!! But you know what so funny...everytime i see your picture, you remind me of Vanilla Ice. That rap singer for quite a while ago. lol!!!

Fishingirl (Cindy)

Soccerfreaks....I still just can't believe what a wonderful person you seem to be:) I still have faith in truly beautiful people. Kind, yet imformative. I am not trying to stroke your ego either lol!!! But you know what so funny...everytime i see your picture, you remind me of Vanilla Ice. That rap singer for quite a while ago. lol!!!

Fishingirl (Cindy)

Soccerfreaks....I still just can't believe what a wonderful person you seem to be:) I still have faith in truly beautiful people. Kind, yet imformative. I am not trying to stroke your ego either lol!!! But you know what so funny...everytime i see your picture, you remind me of Vanilla Ice. That rap singer for quite a while ago. lol!!!

Fishingirl (Cindy)

And I'm Soccer's inspiration. I force him to tell people that. LOL

Apparently I should have considered the internet when I got that restraining order :).

Take care, my good friend,

Joe

Vanilla Ice? Vanilla Ice?

Now I'M depressed!

Hope and humor!

Take care,

Joe

Oh my gosh Jim! Thank you for sharing your cousins letter. I was quite moved by her powerful words, and will print it and carry it with me so I may read it over and over again when I find myself sinking into despair. God bless you both for helping so many on this forum. My prayers are with you both! Patty

Hey I am a base of the tongue cancer survivor. Stage 4. did all of the treatments of chemo and radiation. In February of 2010 it will be three years since diagnosis. It wasn't until I started reading on this forum that I really came to admit that I am depressed. For the longest time all I did was wait to get better. Waited and waited. In fact I am still waiting to get better.

Writing on the forum threads at least got me to thinking about getting help from a psychologist. My GP has me lined up with his cohort starting in December. I will attend. Not that I am crazy but because I am depressed. Fighting to stay alive from the treatments of cancer left me unable to cope with life's situations. It seems the harder I try to get back to normal the more it tells me that I am not normal. I am a cancer survivor. That is my new normal. the best word that I have heard in a long time. It explains,at least for me, that I need to get to work on getting used to the new me. The old me is not coming back. What you see is what you get. Up until recently I did not like what I was seeing in the mirror. Who was this man in the mirror? Nearly a third of my body gone from weight loss. Strength was all but non existant. There were times that I was so weak that I often found it difficult to keep my head upright when sitting in a chair. Fatigue that caused me to believe that I was lazy and not doing what was needed. I am glad that Lance Armstrong's word in a book were and are inspiring to other cancer patients but for me hearing and seeing this super man fight and over come his cancer actually kept me in emotional turmoil. Why is it that he can get over his treatment and thrive? In fact he became a world class competitor. I, on the other hand, think it is an accomplishment to stay awake during the day light hours. To be able to sit and to be able to hold my head erect and not have it feel as if it is work.

The old healthy guy in me would never admit that he was weak, afraid or tired. The new me is all of those. Don't like it at all. Just what I can do about it remains to be seen. I told my son and wife three years ago that I would do what ever it takes to stay alive and beat my cancer. I guess that means I need to get some mental work done. I am depressed. Everyone says it is common. Getting over being depressed may be my biggest hurdle to date. I do not want to go to a doctor that will ask me how I feel. I hate stupid questions. I feel alive,grateful, and terrible. I want to know how to deal with those feelings.

My wife says that I need to get over these feelings. she is correct. There are a lot of things that I need to do. I am going to seek mental help on this one. The treatments left me cancer free. But the person left after the treatments is not the same and I need help to accept the new normal me.

Please don't wait to seek help as I did. Depression can hold one's recovery back. I feel, when I look back on the last two years, that depression certainly has held me back on the road to recovery.

cwcad, encouraging to hear you are almost three years from diagnosis. Congrats. Thanks for your advice. I think you hit the nail on the head. I do think my husband is dealing with some depression. I don't know how you could go through this and not have some degree of it. We both could use some professional advice on how to accept the changes. We have had the conversation about accepting the "new normal" many times. I don't think he has grieved for his old self yet and without doing that I don't know how he can accept his new self. Do you have taste and salivary problems? Eating has become very mechanical for him and it has become a chore. I have read posts on here where people have had some salivary function or taste return many months or even years after treatment so we still have hope.

Sitting here in my living room, watching it snow, a beautiful Christmas tree lighting up the room, soft Christmas music playing, I realize how blessed we are. In so many ways, but mostly because even though he is different than before his treatment, he is still with us and our family is together. Thanks again for your advice and I hope you and your family have a peaceful holiday season and that 2010 is a healthy (mind &body) and happy year.

Mine started to come back somewhat just recently from rads. I still carry a bottle of water with me, but find I don't have to drink as often. I also can sleep longer without having to get a sip during the night.

It isn't perfect but it is getting better. This is after almost 10 years post radiation. In my opinion this is a small price to pay for being alive.

I will be getting a pet ct scan in January of 2010 for my three year check up. I look forward to seeing the results.

Taste is pretty good for me. I have false teeth so taste does not mean so much to me unless it can be eaten without my teeth. Something that I have been doing more and more of late. White ground pepper is my favorite seasoning. It is not so much the immediate taste but the lingering effect that it has.

One remnant of the treatments has been my throat closing involuntarily when swallowing liguids. It stymies my ability to breath until I become fully relaxed. The first few times that it happened I really thought that I was going to die from lack of air. Luckily my wife talked me through the first few times that it happened. Telling me to relax. Not to be so tense and make it easy to breathe. Good thing that I trusted her because it is hard to relax when you don't know if you will get another breath. Now I tend to be more relaxed when it happens and it stops quicker now than at first.

Loss of physical energy has been a bane for me as well. I tend to think now that it is because of my depression that it has lingered so long. I am working on getting some therapy to work (although belatedly) on my bouts with depression.

Acknowledgment is a great start, dcsecs! Hopefully hub is with you in this regard, with respect to seeking some professional assistance. Typically, us men are reticent to seek such help for reasons both cultural and genetic, I am fairly sure.

I was particularly intrigued by your comment regarding grieving for 'his old self'. I have much respect for someone who can recognize that from outside of the actual experience and suspect you are a woman of sensitivity and intellect.

This is not meant as self-promotion (I have nothing to gain from it) but I wrote something while still in the hospital recovering from surgery (and still on excellent drugs) that I posted here that may speak to what your husband is experiencing with respect to that 'old self' grieving. I am largely self-critical to a fault, but still enjoy reading this from time to time, although it has its faults.

It is called Part of My Soul, and the link (which, again, is in this very site) is http://csn.cancer.org/node/160283. Not sure if you can get there from here :), but it is on my Expressions pages as well.

In any event, if hub or you find encouragement from lengthy success stories, the humble SASH is a nearly 10 year survivor of Head/Neck cancer, and I am now beyond four years, although I have had a bump along the way (no pun intended) that SASH avoided.

There are many, many, examples of folks herein who have and are surviving and living life large.

Best wishes to hub and to all of his loved ones.

Take care,

Joe

since there is so much posted everywhere with similiar answers, i thought i would just ask one more time instead of looking thru so many pages.
Ok, today makes 6 weeks since my boyfriend finished his treatment of 6 weeks of radiation and chemo once a week. We knew once he was done, he would go back home (alone, as I live 8 hours away)and would continue to "cook" for the next 3-4 weeks at least. Is it common that he still be in pain (the soft pallet) still lots of mucous, very fatigued, still only feeding 3x a day (had to get the tube 2 weeks after treatment ended, kept losing weight)naseous as well.
Today was such a rotten day, as he could barely even get out of bed. Just to the bathroom, dont even know if he ate since he was so nauseous. Is this common or normal? Its really messing with his mind alot as he knew he had to give some time as you all told me. But its now been as long out of treatment as the actual treatment, and he still feels so awful.
only change was that his GP found a throat infection from a culture so he should now be finishing the antibiotics. He goes to all cancer related drs on Tues. I know he will tell them everything, but pls tell me this can be common. I dont want to think that there is something else wrong.

please, words of wisdom and comfort for us both?

Could be there's another issue in play- and not the cancer. Because of what the treatment does to the immune system, and the time it takes to get back up to snuff, so to speak, he couldn've been vulnerable to pick-up a virus, or some such, and that's what he's dealing with now. Primary Care physician might be the one to see- to get blood, etc., analysis.

On the last day of rad- that evening the sniffles started, and lead to a Cold that lasted the better part of a month. Was good afterwards- until I came down with another Cold of recent (8 months, now, post-treatment), but am recovering okay from that with the help of Cephalexin.

kcass

As for the black cloud syndrome- I'm 13-months post-diagnosis, and 8-months post-treatment.
During treatment I was taking two 1/2-tablets of Xanax/day, and it helped to keep the dark thoughts and clouds away. But that prescrip is long gone, along with the Vicodin and Morphine, so I don't have the attitude-helpers I had when the going was more physically rough than mental. But now, for me, is the time when the rougher going is mental...
I'll be danged if I'll go to a psychiatrist, and let him have any control over my mental well-being. I don't figure I'm different from anyone who is reading this- I can see the Reaper hovering there in the shadows of the periphery, and I now have a clue as to what the hardships of another round of treatment might bring (I salute you, Hondo, for the strength of your Spirit, which is inspiration to us all), especially in light of the somewhat-radical post-treatment condition of my mouth, and whether or not I would even be able to go thru another round of chemo/rad. And I have evaluated the ways I could die, other than what would be classified as "natural causes," and know the way I would choose- such dark thoughts I reckon have crossed all our minds, to varying degrees...The dark clouds will always be with us, as we have stared the Reaper straight in the face. Those clouds may linger close to us, or may be so far away that we just don't see them at all, but will still be there. To my way of thinking- the fact those clouds are now distant is a major victory for me, and I'll be danged if they're gonna darken my day, or night. What time I have left, or what anyone has left, is time that should be, and is, appreciated to the fullest, and witnessed with exceeding happiness. Yes, those clouds are, and always will be, there, but so long as I still breathe- I can keep those clouds in their rightful place, which is at a distance away from me, and I'll be danged if they're gonna threaten my hardfought right to enjoy the time I have left, no matter how short or long. I am still alive; and, so, those clouds are only as close to me as I let them be. As I write this, dcsecs, those clouds have grown closer to me over the past three weeks. But the fact I see this is so, and recognize such for what it is, will always keep those clouds at a distance. Yes, there is a difference between those clouds taking partial-control of one's mind, and the results of letting the dark thoughts do what they would have one do. No matter what, dcsecs, the clouds should never darken one's day. It only does if one let's it. All our days can be filled with sunshine and beauty. They truly can be.

Believe.

Regrettably, Kent, your response is a direct confirmation of the suggestion in my first post herein that men are genetically and/or culturally disinclined to seek professional help for depression.

Without knowing the religious disposition of the person I responded to (and more importantly, that of her husband), let me suggest to you that not all of us are believers. We do not have prophets, either Jesus or Mohammed (or whomever else is running around out there without my knowledge). Some of us are on our own and even if we ARE believers, we are perhaps not so certain as you and some others are.

I do not disparage your belief. I envy it. But I do not have it.

The reason to bring that up is to say that belief does, I know, fill some large spaces in people if given a chance. But when it is not there for us, we have to find other ways. And even some of us who HAVE faith find it useful to seek help here on earth. I think one of your religion's most useful doctrines (right after Do unto others as you would have them do unto you) is the one that says God helps those who help themselves.

If that means getting therapy, then so be it.

Some people, a LOT of people, find it useful to talk to someone other than those they know best. They find it useful somehow to talk to someone to whom, as a friend of mine put it, they can tell the truth knowing they will not be faulted for it. At least for an hour.

I could offer, as Shakespeare might, that 'methinks thou doth protest too much", but I won't. If you are good without therapy, then all the power to you, Kent.

Most of us, many of us, get by without therapy and that is good. I still insist that a psychologist, at the very least, ought to be part of every cancer team. Some day that will be true, I am convinced, as the doctors and scientists and researchers now become more and more convinced that we are sometimes casualties, if you will, of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or something similar, among other issues that we confront.

Therapy is not for everyone, I agree, but neither is religion.

And sometimes a dose of both is the best solution.

Take care,

Joe

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts on this subject. I really has helped me sort through some of these feelings. I guess I was looking for "the answer" on how to deal with all of this, and like a lot of things in life, there is no straight answer. We all have to feel our way through and figure out what works best for us. Life is a day to day struggle. Whether it is an illness or some other problem. If you find your strength from a faith in God, or faith in humanity, or simply from having faith in yourself, we have to draw on it during these times. I think there is a black cloud lurking in the distance for everyone. Life can change in an instant and we need to help ourselves accept those changes and if we are unable to do that on our own, we need to look for some assistance. I thinks soccerfreaks thoughts about a psychologist being a part of all cancer teams is a great idea. I think we would have benefited from that since my husband really doesn't know how to reach out to a mental health professional. I think he sees it as a sign of weakness. Oh well, I could go on, and on about this.

Peace and good health to all.

I was only talking about me, personally, Joe. And I DO AGREE that Psychologists can play an important part in someone's treatment, if the black clouds get too close. I re-read what I wrote last night, and do realize I am wrong about it- very wrong. And Lord knows how large the burden can be for us, especially at the start- SO, YES, I WOULD ENCOURAGE ANYONE WHO IS STRUGGLING WITH THEIR SITUTATION TO NOT HESITATE TO SEEK HELP FROM A PSYCHOLOGIST. Cancer brings with it a need to be strong, but a significant part of our strength is the support group who are part of our lives, which should include anyone who helps to keep the dark clouds and thoughts so far away from us that they don't bring more negatives into these trying times of our lives. And I give my deepest apology to anyone who read what I wrote, and was hurt by it- I was wrong.

I've been struggling, myself, Joe, and perhaps what I wrote is evidence of it. Just not the best of post-treatment times for me. Please understand.

kcass