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losing mom, i feel lost without her

membermeg's picture
membermeg
Posts: 25
Joined: Oct 2009

I am new to this site. I hope to gain friends here that actually understand and feel the pain and agony I do. I also hope to help one another through our pain and share stories of our loved ones that will make us laugh and even some that will make us cry and yet honor those who have moved on to Heaven.

(this may be very long, writing helps me to get out my feelings)

My story begins when I was a 7 year old innocent girl. We had an all american family. It was my mom, dad, and 2 brothers, one older and one younger. My mother had 6 sisters and it we had huge family outings weekly. We were actually at the beach with everyone when we foud out my mom has breast cancer at age 32.

After that it is rather blurry, She went through chemo and radiation for a long time. She had a full mastectomy and then reconstruction which she said was the worst part!! So after a few years of treatment the doctor said she was cancer free. Wow, I remember feeling so happy and like a rock had been lifted off my shoulders even though I was around 10.

She was cancer free for 10 years PRAISE GOD.

We were always such a close knit family that I decided to go to college near by so I could come home alot and spend time with my parents and siblings and cousins. I believe I was a freshman when she found another lump in her reconstruced breast in her chest wall. It came back as cancer. A different type of cancer than what she has before. So, once again she begain treatments and continued them for years. At one point I guess they thought it was in remission so she was again cancer free.

Then about 5 years ago she began getting headaches really bad. At the pit of my stomach I knew it was not good but I did not let myself go there. After many MRI's they finally found a tumor at the base of her skull. It was assumed to be cancer and she had the gamma knife procedure. After finding that the oncologists put her on chemo indefinately. Chemo takes such a toll on the body and spirit. But my mom never said anything negative. Her attitude was amazing and she was the biggest fighter in so many ways. She will forever be my hero. She was on chemo on and off for the rest of her short life. Unfortunately this cancer did not respond to any of the 10 chemos they tried. A month before she passed the oncologists still had hope, they said it wasnt time to plan any last trips. Unfortunatly they were wrong. She was gone a month later. The cancer got into the liver and at the end the liver swelled to atleast twice the size.

My mom meant the world to me. I got married in March and she helped with the whole thing. She was such a fighter, she did not let chemo or the cancer ruin her life. She never gave up. NEVER. I got married and a few months later she was gone. I miss her so much. Words cannot express the emptiness I have. My dad is also my hero. He was by her side the whole time. He never complained, just like my mom. She never complained about the horrible side effects she experienced on chemo. She had such a strong faith in God and she never doubted or asked why her. She helped everyone she could. She always had time to listen to everyones problems and give wonderful advice. I miss her so much.........I am just so lost.

sierrareef
Posts: 13
Joined: Jun 2006

Wow. What a blessing. That's what I take from your story. Not the cancer but the privelege to have such a strong mom and dad. What a blessing to know that you have her DNA in you - that you'll be able to be inspired by her strength when you need some inspiration. I'm happy that you had such a strong mom.

I'm also sorry for your loss. All the greatest memories can't take the sting away from knowing she is gone. I hope you find the strength to remember the blessing of being her daughter - I hope you can balance your days by remembering the blassings and acknowledging the her painful loss.

ManyWheat
Posts: 6
Joined: Nov 2009

I lost my Mom today-November 7 2009. She was diagnosed in December 2008. She was only cancer free from the time she had her initial surgery in December til August. I dont know what to do. I am a grad student in Tennessee and my Mom lives in Texas. The only time I have seen her since her diagnosis was when she was sick and in the hospital...except for 10 days in May when I came home for Mother's Day. I was busy all summer with summer internships in the Northeast and was unable to come home. I came home 6 weeks ago when she was told that it had spread. I have been by her side since. I slept at the hospital with her for weeks and was terrified to leave her side. I was told earlier this week that I had to return to school or I would have to return next Fall to repeat this whole year. She made the decision with me for me to go back...I mean Thanksgiving is only 2 weeks away and I would be home for that. Well, her oncologist told me last week that her CA 125 had increased again and that the chemo was completely ineffective. He wasnt ready to give up though. He wanted to try a 4th type. However, 2 1/2 weeks ago she suffered a stroke caused by vasculitis in both occipital lobes in her brain. That left her without knowing how to walk. The past 6 weeks have been such a roller coaster of events. It starts with her cancer spreading to lymph nodes in her abdomen, small intestines and lungs. Then pneumonia. Then a trip tp ICU due to her becoming hypoxic. Then MRSA in her port. Then a stroke from the vasculitis. Then kidney failure...finally her passing.

Anywho, I was returning to school tomorrow. I spent the day with her at the hospital where she was awake, alert and talking. She had her second round of dialysis today...her labs had returned much better from the first round!! It was going to be a good day. We watched TV and chit chatted a bit. I felt guilty for leaving and going back to school, but I knew she wanted me to and her oncologist said he didnt see her going in the next few weeks....that was before we found out she had kidney failure, so maybe had he known that when I asked him he would have responded differently. Anyway, I said goodbye and that I would see her in 2 weeks. I told her how much I loved her. She responded with "okay's" and "I love you to" and I went on my way. Crying in my car for a few minutes in the parking lot, then I headed home to gather my clothes and back for the drive back to TN. About 15 minutes into the drive back to her house the hospital was calling asking me to come back because the were working on her. When I got to the hospital she was already gone. She must have gone right after I left the room. They worked on her for over 30 minutes...and I was gone for maybe a total of 40min from the time I left til the phone call. They wouldnt let me back there for a few minutes. The doctor came while I was sitting on the floor and asked if I was the family of Mrs. Allen. and I just broke down. All I heard was 30 minutes, 3x shocked, adrenaline, intubation, and we tried. Thankfully my brother in law and a family friend was with me. I have no idea what to do now. I have a younger sister in college 8hours away and a pregnant older sister that is due anyday with the first grand baby. I miss her so much. We were so close. I cant believe that I left her...and she died alone. Thats what I didnt want to happen. I dont know what to do. I know its just the first day, but I just dont know how to cope. I will be unable to return to school now....my boyfriend lives 2000 miles away and her parents live on the west coast. If you have any tips on how to move on and not feel guilty please share. I am so scared and I am lost just like you. I wish I could have done more...wish I could have been there longer....wish I wouldnt have left.

sierrareef
Posts: 13
Joined: Jun 2006

I'm so sorry for both of your losses. ManyWheat - I don't have any answers for you. It seems clear your mom wanted you to live your life and not allow her cancer to hold you back. I'm amazed at the strength these cancer victims have - who are the caregivers, us or them? My wife minimized her illness to her children during her battle because she didn't want them getting wrapped up in her struggles. Thankfully, with less than a week left in her life we decided it was time to let them know her battle was likely coming to an end. We didn't know it was coming so soon but I'm grateful we prepared them as best we could.

I think the only thing you can do is allow yourself to experience any emotion you feel, any time you feel it. There is no preparation for the loss of someone so dear to you and there is no formula that should be followed. I cry when I cry - even at work at my desk. I laugh sometimes. I'm confused, numb and still shake my head no thinking this can't have happened.

My sister-in-law lost her mom recently and said she felt the world should just stop. It's how I felt. How can I go on when the love of my life has gone away? It doesn't seem fair to her that the world keeps going. But it does and it's dragging me with it. And since I'm being dragged along for the ride I'll try my best to give myself a good life. But until I get there I'll go through my grievance process and be grateful for it.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1627
Joined: Aug 2009

ManyWheat,
My husband died while I was out of the room. Our sons are convinced that he chose that time because he thought it would be easier om me. Who knows? They may be right. Please don't feel guilt about leaving. You were doing what your mother wanted you to do. Life does go on. That doesn't make it any easier. Your mother wanted the best for you. Don't give up your dreams, but figure out what they are. Now you have to decide what to do. Now you have a new normal. That's hard. I didn't even realize what that meant, how much everyday things have changed. Hang in there. Do what you need to do for you and for your mother. I'm sure she was very proud of you and your accomplishments. Fay

membermeg's picture
membermeg
Posts: 25
Joined: Oct 2009

My mother was in hospice for a week. She was fine and we were going in for pain management. I knew my mom and I knew that she would go to her God when no one was there. Every night we did not leave her side, during the day there was tons of family. My dad and I said "you know mom will not leave this earth during the day" She never liked to draw attention to herself and she wanted to save some of them from what they "thought" they could handle. Sometimes our loved ones in some way control or hang on until they have said their I love yous. I can guareentee your mother wanted it that way. She did not want you there for a reason. Your mother did not die alone. You were with her saying I love you's and Miss you's and I bet as soon as your mother knew you were out of the building she felt she could let go. I am at work right now, and I will write to you very very soon. I just have a pt. I need to take care of....please do not feel guilty, your mother loved you so much that she would hate to know that you were feeling guilty for not being there. Please

allison731's picture
allison731
Posts: 21
Joined: Oct 2009

Hi everyone,

It breaks my heart hearing all of your stories, so similar to mine, adn to think I was so lonely in this world where nobody knew how I felt.. boy was I wrong! Just some words from someone who knows what it's like.. I was 15 when I found out my mom was diagnosed with an unknown source of cancer. I didn't even know what to think at my age, all I knew was that I would become her caregiver. With no father present, my two older siblings were off at college, and nobody else was living at home with the two of us. Cancer changed our whole lifestyle. She quit her job, began chemo and radiation, and I did whatever I could to ease the pain and let her live as long as she could. She was given about 5 months. But she didn't pass until 2 years and a month later. July 18, 2009 will stay in my heart forever because it was truly the last time I told my mom I loved her. She passed away 2 weeks before my 17th birthday, and am still so deeply lost without her. I was there when God took her.. and even though it was sad to say the least, it was beautiful. We all got our one on one time with her. But I will never, for the rest of my life, forget the words she spoke to me. I know she is watching over me everyday, just like your mothers and fathers and wives and husbands. And if your loved one is still alive, cherish those memories that you both have together. Tell them you love them multiple times a day because once it is taken from you, you will never get those moments back.

It hurts, it really does knowing my mom won't be at my high school graduation, nor my college, my wedding, or my kids wont be able to know their grandma, or any other holidays or family get togethers. Everywhere I drive, I wish my mom was in the passenger seat.. or everytime I am watching t.v. I wish she was on the other couch all bundled up because she was always so cold.. or everytime I come home from school or go to bed, I wish I could tell her how good my day was or I love you. With all the sadness that I had and still have with my mom's passing, I am so thankful for the time I did have with her, for the independent time we spent together, and the friendship and mother-daughter relationship we grew.

With all the sadness your heart is experincing, remeber that they love you, I know my mom did!

ttiny2
Posts: 1
Joined: Sep 2010

My Mom (Step-Mom) passed away oct 24, 2009 of cancer. It was horrible and took her really fast. I always thought that loosing my dad was the hardest thing ever boy was I wrong. Although she was not my biological MOM i could not have loved her anymore if she was. We were so close. She lived in North Carolina. She taught me so much. I talked to her all the time. We would spend hours on the phone talking about everything. When my dad died she was all I had. He passed away on my 29th birthday and she passed just a few weeks after my 39th birthday. We grived together for him. In some strange way together we kept him alive together. So when she passed now I grive for them both. I like I am stuck and dont know how to move on.

Now I feel very lost with out her. People say that she wasnt my mom. But in my heart she was and always will be. I cant pick up the phone to call her and hear her on the other end saying "I was just thinking about you". I really miss that. She was the one person that I could talk to about anything not matter what it was. We were told in June that she had cancer and by the end of october she was gone. So fast just not enough time. The one thing that I am really thankful for is we left nothing unsaid. She knew how I felt about her even although she did not come into my life until I was 14. She was an amazing woman. So strong, independent and just really knew who she was. Right now I just wish that I had an ounce of her strength. I never came to terms with my dad's death. He died at 58 of congestive heart failure and now her. I do not think I will ever come to terms with the both of them passing. It's like when he died I burried a part of me and then when she died another part. There is really not much left of me anymore. My live is forever changed. How do i do this I really wish I knew.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Ttiny,
I can relate to how you feel. I lost my mom in 1989 after she was diagnosed with pancreatic. She died on Dec. 17th. She was sick only 2 months. I still miss her so much, cause like you, I talked to her every day. Well on Dec. 28th 1990 my dad passed away. He had bladder cancer & lung cancer, but had been sick for quite a long time. He missed mom so much that I think he just gave up. I have hated Christmas ever since and can't wait for the holidays to be over.
Now I lost my husband this past March, so Christmas is going to suck again! We were married 46 years & he was the best husband anyone could want.
You sound like a wonderful person and loved your mom so much. It's hard when you've lost someone like that. Everyone says "life goes on" but it sure is hard to move ahead when you've lost so much. Carole

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1627
Joined: Aug 2009

I think we do lose a part of ourselves every time we lose someone we love. We grieve and move on, but a piece of us feels like it is missing. Your mom sounds like a wonderful person. Even though she was not your bio. mom, the love between you made her your mom. I am sure that she loved you and was proud of you, too. I lost my husband on October 20 of last year. I am still grieving. Each time we are touched by a new death, the ones we have lost before become just a little raw again. I lost my grandfather when I was 9, a long time ago, but I still miss him. Our love for the person never dies. As long as you are here both your mom and your dad will be a part of you. You are their legacy, and I am sure you will do them proud. Don't be afraid to see a grief counselor or talk to you dr. about antidepressants if you need help dealing with your grief. They can be very helpful. Hang in there. Fay

mandifred
Posts: 4
Joined: Sep 2010

My mom was put into hospice care on Tuesday July 13th and she passed away Friday July 16th that same week. She went to the ER for severe stomach pain.. turns out her cancer had spread from her lung all over & she had a hole in her bowel that she wouldn't survive the surgery to fix. She wanted to eat. She wanted oatmeal & popsicles, & we weren't allowed to give her any food. She was so sad, that was all she wanted. It would make her mad and when she would get fussy, in came the nurse with more pain medicine. If she caused any kind of fuss they just put her out with pain meds. It was horrifying to watch. Once she was in hospice, we had one good nite. She was awake, looking at me, talking (mostly jibberish, she was difficult to understand) and laughing. She told me that her dad was with us (he passed away before I was born, I'm 26). She spelled out the name of the subdivision that two of her brothers live in. She told my dad she saw an orange elephant. She was just having a good time, she kept saying that everything was so wonderful! My dad & I & slept in the hospital with her every nite. On Thursday morning, I woke up in a chair and looked over at her. Her eyes were open, so I ran over to her! She said "I love you" and I told her that I loved her, too. She looked at me for awhile, dozing off and then waking back up. I just sat there and held her hand. That was the last thing she ever said to me. Friday evening, I left the hospital as there was alot of family there. I went with my fiancee to sleep at his sister's house. As soon as I walked in the door at her house, my phone rang. She was gone. My dad was in her hospital room sleeping, my sister & niece were in the lounge watching tv. My aunt, my mom's sister, was the only one awake and holding her hand when she took her last breaths. My mom & her sister were buddies and I can't help but wonder if she waited until that moment since her sister was the only one awake. I hated myself for leaving. I still do. I should have been there with her. If I would have waited just 20 minutes.. I could have been there when she left this world. It eats away at me inside whenever I think about it, it makes me physically sick.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1627
Joined: Aug 2009

My husband died at home while I was out of the room. Our sons are convinced that he waited until I was not there. I don't know if that is true or not, but I do know that he was at peace. Your mother told you she loved you. Cherish that moment. Don't beat yourself up for leaving. It is very possible that she chose to let go at that moment; it was her timing. My husband held on for so long, fighting cancer for six years. One of the last things I told him was that it was ok to go to the light now. I know he loved me, and I was there for him. It is very possible his last act of love was to pass on when I was out of the room. Take care, Fay

tammy31269
Posts: 22
Joined: Jul 2010

we all suffer from guilt thinking i should of done this and said that,and the missing down deep in your soul that just crushes your every being. im a 9yr.colonrectal cancer survivor at age 30, well my mom fell sick with lung cancer and we only had each other, she went through hell, while i was not feeling so great myself.i was still healing up from my 2nd resite of my stoma/colostomy. i was her caregiver 24/7. on nov.30.2007 at 7am she called me to help her, and i done my best she just couldnt get her breath back.the cancer spread up her throut. she died in my arms eye to eye and i atleast got to say real quick i loved her and she was gone i just layed with her in the bed at home in her bedroom.my world went away,but i was happy that god had her finally no more pain. and i knew it was ok, see in the months following as she was getting worse she got saved and from knowing that yall, im happy.. bu tyeah i miss that woman and the best mom that was for me.. then i sold house in north carolina and moved here in richmond,v.a so everyone who lost there moms its going to get better in time.keep praying thanking god,, god bless

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