Nov 05, 2009 - 12:07 pm
First time thread starter on this forum. In February of 07 I was diagnosed with stage IV base of the tongue cancer. All treatment were successful. Seven weeks of radiation and four weeks of chemo. The whole radical nine yards. Everyone who has tongue cancer knows what I am talking about.
It has been almost three years and all is well as far as the cancer is concerned. Thank God!! I had been reading the discussion board threads an came upon a thread about the mask that most everyone is required to wear during treatment. It is hard for me to even think about that time of my life. What is even harder is for me to think, to do, or to be. I am lost in this healthy body and do not know what to do. I have every reason to be happy, healthy, and productive since recovery. Yet almost two years since completion of treatments I am lost in a sea of doubt about my ability to concentrate and do any physical activity that requires a duration of more than a few minutes.
Food is easily digested but there isn't any enjoyment to food as it once was. I find that taste is most likely the reason because nothing tastes bad but nothing tastes all that good either. I have lots of ideas to do things but somehow when it comes time to do it I find something else to not do. I never thought of my self as lazy but I am fast becoming a believer that my latent lazy tendencies are showing through. I despise myself for even thinking it but I don't do anything about it.
I know what to do..."Get Over It" whatever "It" is. Yet all that seems to do is make it even harder for me to do it. I have lost a lot of weight during this all. I started at 340, went down to 180 after six months and now am about 195. I feel listless, displaced, and lost all the while surrounded by good family, friends, and home. I know I am feeling sorry for myself. Yet even as I know... I continue downward in a spiral of confusion and apathy. My doctors all say to not worry about it. All things will work out. I don't think it is working out.
This journey was marked the first day that I was diagnosed in February of 07. I was getting ready to go to work in Alaska in a construction camp. I told the doctor. He was a colonel in the Army and he said, "Well you can go...you won't come back." I took a big gulp. Then next thing he said was, "Are you ready to embark in the fight of your life?" I immediately said, Yes." But I know now it had little conviction. Now that I am cancer free I seem to have just enough energy to complain but not enough to get off the pity pot.
Is there anyone out there that can relate or am I really crazy/lazy?