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"why aren't you over her yet, why do you still get upset? its been 3 months"....HELP

membermeg's picture
membermeg
Posts: 25
Joined: Oct 2009

I am new to this website and hope to gain friends and strength.

The subject of this discussion is one that I have been experiencing in my workplace. I am going to write my story when I get a chance, but right now I need to vent. People who have not been through what we have been through have no idea or concept of the word "grief"

"Grief" to us a real emotion, an emotion that is with us at every second of every day. I work in the health field and am 27 years old. I lost my mom 3 months ago and am grieving every day. It is like a rollar coaster and when people tell me they are "sick of the drama" referring to me having to cry or take a walk bc I miss my mother, I get very angry. When you lose someone sooo close to you, it takes years to work through.

My co-workers get upset if I get "an extra" break bc I am crying and need to take a walk and call my dad. They don't think it is fair. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I get attitude if I am not my happy, bubbly self. I get attitudes if I need to step out bc it HIT me like a ton of bricks. They don't understand and they dont care. I am just so sick of it.......HELP

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1635
Joined: Aug 2009

People grieve in different ways. It's sad that people in the health field don't know that. Your co-workers are being very insensitive. Their lives go on as before. You are having to adjust to a new normal. You are grieving a huge loss in your life. That doesn't go away. Fairness has nothing to do with it. Losing your mother wasn't fair. Go ahead and vent! If you are in the health field, ask for help dealing with your grief. Maybe there is a grief group you can join. Take care and come here as often as you need to vent. Many of us feel the pain of grief. Fay

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2082
Joined: Oct 2009

I'm so sorry you are getting such a hard time from your co-workers. Have you talked to your supervisor (only if you can do so with complete confidentiality) to help you out at this time. The co-workers, ignore them. Don't reply to their criticism. This may be hard but you will be the bigger person doing this. Don't let them get to you, they are morons. (Sorry if that sounds harsh) Also, might I suggest a visit with your doctor. You may need to talk to someone regarding grief and your depression. You have my condolences.

membermeg's picture
membermeg
Posts: 25
Joined: Oct 2009

I have talked to my supervisor and I feel like I am getting no where. So, today is a new day and I am at work and I will do my job, care for my patients like they were family and go home. I realized when only 1 of them came to my moms viewing that they were not my friends. You realize a lot when you lose someone. Those who I thought were close friends were no where around and those who I only knew socially were my greatest supporters....I am currently seeing my doctor and many others to help me through my grief

sierrareef
Posts: 13
Joined: Jun 2006

to overcome their grief after such a short time? It pains me to hear that. I would think the most moralistic and helpful thing for you to do is to try and forgive their ignorance and insensitivity and to embrace the fact that you have every right to grieve for as long as is neccessary. I also think it's important that you fight the temptation to be angry and resentful toward them - I beleive that harboring such ill-will can interfere with your own healing process.

Simply put - listen to those you love and who love you - you'll recognize them by what they say and do. Ignore anyone who doesn't put your best interest at the forefront of their thoughts and deeds.

membermeg's picture
membermeg
Posts: 25
Joined: Oct 2009

That is exactly what my mother would have said to me. Thank you! I have released my anger towards them and am working through my grief with my family and all of my true friends who love and trully care about me. My mother was my best friend and I will never forget her or force myself not to grieve bc others think I should be someone further along the grief path. That is only ignorance and frankly I have no room in my life for ignorance. My mother would tell me to keep my head up high and forgive those who are judging me, for I am not the ultimate judge and it will only hurt myself. Thank you very much for you words and encouragement

DCD1028
Posts: 11
Joined: Jun 2010

Hello,
My name is Deanna and I can relate, I am 43 and I also am in the medical field. You would think your co-workers would understand but the kind of job a person has does not mean they have compassion for or could even remotely begin to understand how it feels to lose someone from this or any disease for that matter. I lost my mother 9 years ago and my daughter 10 years ago to Cancer, and after they died I thought "why should i have to teach people how to speak to or how to treat someone after a loss?" I finally realized it was because (1) they can not deal with death themselves (2) people are ignorant to things unless it is happening to them at that moment. So, I had to forgive them and I became pro-active and began to teach people how to treat and speak to me. When a person would say "God only puts on our plate as much as we can handle" I would make humor and reply "I think i'm ready to go to the dessert table if you don't mind. They began to understand my feelings because i made it easier for them to talk to me I guess. I am sorry for your loss and if there is anything i can do please let me know.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

membermeg,
I'm glad you're seeing your doctor to help you get through this. I lost my mom in Dec. 1989 and my dad in Dec. 1990. I wish I would've gone for help then, cause I still miss both of them so much and hate Christmas ever since. Now I lost my husband & love of my life this past March. I guess it's hard for people to understand what it's like if they've never gone through it. They say things like " how long is it going to take you to get over this", or you have to start doing things>' I wasn't ready, but am now doing more. It's going to be 6 months this month since I lost my husband and it's starting to get easier. I'll never forget but am realizing that life goes on. So be strong and remember all the memories you've had with your mom. Carole

barnlady571
Posts: 1
Joined: Jun 2010

Hurting: I lost a daughter 30 years ago hurt doesn't go away it moves inward and you can feel there presence near you. I'm also hurting my husband just last week found he has brain tumor and they can't remove it. So here I go on a new journey.
Bonnie

Noellesmom
Posts: 1321
Joined: Aug 2010

Bonnie,

I don't know how these threads get so tangled that I didn't see yours until just now.

I don't know where you are now with your husband's illness but wanted to let you know I just read it and am thinking about you.

Hugs.

micgrace
Posts: 131
Joined: May 2011

Sorry to hear about the brain tumor. it is a most unpleasant journey, oner can't avoid it, one can't get around it, but one must go through it. And eventually everything resolves, but not the grief. It is there for keeps ready and waiting no matter how long ago the event happened. I lost a son 20 years ago also so know what happens long term as well as losing my wife to a brain tumor (GBM)as well recently.

caregiverT
Posts: 1
Joined: Aug 2011

my mom has been gone for 18 years I know what you are going threw I'll tell you one thing though it never gets easier I get people that still come up to me or see me on facebook and ask me how I am I pull out my pictures and see my mom and cry. it's really hard for me is I look just like her and so does my daughter. all i can say is keep your chin up and rember she is in a better place looking down on you.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi,
Don't let anyone tell you to get over it. Your mom only died 3 months ago and you will always remember her. My mom died in "89" and I still miss her every day. I also lost my dad in "90" and there's still an empty spot in my heart. How can we forget someone we loved in 3 months? They haven't gone through it if they think you should be over it. I also lost my husband 1& 1/2 years ago this month and the pain is still there like it was yesterday. So please take your time & grieve as long as you want. "Carole"

micgrace
Posts: 131
Joined: May 2011

Grieve however long you must. Some people get stuck at various stages and only the most insensitive fool will say "get over it". There are quite a few stages and no particular time limit to them. Denial, anger, sadness, depression, acceptance, recovery and finally moving on. And one can alternate between them. I lost my wife in June and only now am I beginning to return to a new "normal". Anger was the biggest surprise to me, I would have thought incredible sadness is expected, yes, but anger is what got me. Very intense anger at anything or anyone. Inside of me though, not physically expressed. Then intense crying. It is normal.

Wangari
Posts: 19
Joined: Apr 2011

hi,

I understand all too well what you are oging through. i lost my mum April 2011. I took time off work coz there were so many things I had to deal with. At one time, one of my workmates called to tell me that it had been 2 months already and I should be over it by now. To say that it hurt to hear that would be an understatement.!! I couldn't believe that people could be so insensitive. Through the years, i've learnt that not many people have the tact or knowledge on how to deal with grief. 

Thank goodness for my wonderful friends and family because i wouldn't have made it through.

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