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My Beloved Wife is Gone

sierrareef
Posts: 13
Joined: Jun 2006

My 55 year old wife of 11 years passed away 2 weeks ago, on 10-21-09. She was diagnosed with Stage IV non-small cell lung cancer in 01/2006, after having the disease misdiagnosed for most of 2005. We were told it was an uncurable form of lung cancer and we didn't know how much time we had left together - as it turns out it was a good amount of time compared to so many others. Still, it wasn't enough.

Cancer afforded us many blessings, just not the blessing of her continured life. I miss her so much and I find these days to be much harder than I expected. Between her death and her memorial service I had little time to grieve. Now our families have gone home, my friends have returned to their lives and I feel the profound emptiness that her passing has left in my life.

I'm not looking for answers....

I'm just venting to those people who know how I feel - I'm just trying to release and share these deepest emotions. For the most part I cry alone - here in my house, when I'm driving, when I'm in the shower or walking to the mailbox....

I look too goofy for others to see me cry - and I sound ridiculous when I try to talk while I'm crying. But I'm crying alot.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my story. During my wife's illness we learned you can love more people than just your family and closest friends. I love you all and I pray for your emotional well-being. Metta to all life and thanks for this opportunity.

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1161
Joined: May 2008

sorry for you loss. my husband just passed 6 months ago but it seems like yesterday. I do the same thing i cry at home in my car at the cemetary its hard to go home to an empty house that is the hardest. We are on a different journey but they will always be by are side . My husband was 53 and died of colon cancer in april so i do know how you are feeling and i am sorry for both of us

take care

michelle

MichelleP's picture
MichelleP
Posts: 254
Joined: May 2009

I lost my husband on 10-13-09 and this is the most painful time of my life, so I also know how you feel. I can't eat...sleep...and barely function. The house is so quiet and empty now and everywhere I look I have memories of him. And yes, I cry all the time as well. No need for makeup anymore because I look awful no matter what and I just don't care. I'm in a really dark place and am considering therapy because I can't go on like this much longer.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

MichelleP, If you are considering therapy, please go. If you think you need help, you probably do. It can't hurt. If you go and decide it's not for you, that's ok, too. Fay

watergun
Posts: 2
Joined: Jun 2010

Hi Michelle (Angel's Baby). My name is Marybeth. My soulmate took his last breath May 14th, 2010. I've read everybody's comments,and I identify with everyone's personal story. I'm doing all the same things everyone else is doing....going from room to room calling his name,talking out loud to him, constantly forgetting he's gone and then suddenly remembering, Oh no, he's not home, he's not off fishing, I can't call his cell phone, nothing...then all the pain returns. I could go on and on, but that's not why I'm writing to you. Anyway, I'm touched by your picture with Angel. You two have motorcycle jackets on, and I can see a red motorcycle on the right. I bet you guys had lots of fun riding around. The vibes I get while looking at your picture make me feel warm inside. I clearly see the love and strong bond between you two. If the Hindus have it right about past lives, then I'd say you and Angel had many many past lives together and that's why you married sooo young. It was love at first site I bet. Also, I'm imagining that the banter between you guys was a joy to listen too. I can just tell that Angel was funny and a blast to be with....very handsome too. You compliment each other in every way. Yes, I can tell he definitely is your soulmate, and I wish Bruce and I could have hung out with you. You see, my Bruce was also so much fun to be with. He made me laugh my head off for 23 years. I wish you'd share your story on how you first met and what made you fall in love with him. Everyone likes a good love story. Please tell us.

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1161
Joined: May 2008

in the 8th grade never had a boyfriend so i would walk to the corner of the school where there was a nursery school and a little hamburger joint next to the nursery school my mother did not drive so i would wait at the bus stop and we would go pick up my brother from the nursery school and then stop and eat at that hamburger place you could only sit outside anyway there was a good looking guy that worked there now i was kind of shy we would just look at each other then look away so this went on for about a month but i would tell my mom ( he is so cute i like him) everyday on the way home i would say that to my mom . well i guess my mom thought she needed to tell him how much i like him and she did i was so mad at her but i did talk alittle to him after that he was just seventeen going on 18 he had a very small motor bike he would pick me up on and i did not know how to kiss and he really wanted to kiss so he waited about 2 months before i gave the tongue kiss but he did love me and my mom and did anything we needed. then he went to the army as soon as he graduated from high school . we were boyfriend and girlfriend by then he said he wanted to marry me i was 16 my mom had to give permission so he came home on leave and got the measels and his stay was extented and we got married. Had two kids 1 at eighteen 1 at twenty and i was done . I have loved him most of my life and still do. just the last 4 yrs we were riding the harley and the red one is his brothers the black one was ours then he got sick and he died i miss him . I hope you enjoyed my story i enjoyed telling it.Thank god for my mother.

michelle

007Ross
Posts: 1
Joined: Jun 2010

My sole mate Angeli, is in Hospice care and I feel like I am waiting for her to die at the same time praying for a miricle. She has brain cancer and it has left her unable to communicate with us. We entered the Hospital for a treatment expecting to be home in a week. Instead she has faded in and out. For the last three days she does not communicate with us. The three or four days prior she would nod to us yes or no. It is so hard to imagine my life with out her. Angeli is what I lived for. I am putting my trust in the Lord to help me make it though this very difficult time. Were we suppose to grow gray together and pass away together. I read a story the other day in Readers Digest where an elderly couple were in an accident. When the husband had herd his wife had passes away in the accident, he lost his will to live and passed away a few days later even though he had no serious injuries. I know how he felt. I keep telling myself I need to carry on to make my Angeli proud and to be there for or adult kids. It is just so hard to even imagine that i can return to our home. I know I need help and am hoping I can gain solace by sharing my feeling with others. I Pray for all of you and your families.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

I am sorry that you are struggling. I am also glad you have hospice. Remember that they are there for the whole family. Ask them to help you, too.I can understand the feelings you are having now. It is hard to accept that someone you love is dying. We all have mixed emotions then. Toward the very end, I did pray for a quick, peaceful passing, but hope for a miracle is hard to give up. Just keep in mind that healing and curing are two different things. My husband was healed, just not the way I might have wanted. As one of our pastors said, we really are not in charge. My prayers will be with you. Take care, Fay

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

I, too, have lost a spouse recently (10/20/09). I find that it's the little things that make me cry. I can handle the big stuff. I miss sharing ideas, family news, and humor. We just had a squirrel with a huge walnut run across our deck. I miss sharing that experience. I'm glad we have this board so we can vent and share our stories. This new normal is hard to adjust to. My husband used to tease me about talking to myself, the dog, and the cat. Well, there's a lot of that going on now. The dog is the best listener, but he also wants a treat for it. His feedback isn't very good either. I hope no one takes offense at this. A little humor helps me get through the day. Fay

sierrareef
Posts: 13
Joined: Jun 2006

for your kind words. I'm sure that for all of us, the one person we came home to and shared everything with, all the good and all the bad stuff, is gone. Now the moat traumatic thing in my life occurs and the person I always turne to is gone.

That's a huge part of this empty feeling I'm having. I can still talk to Valinda but I can't hear her respond to my pain. I can still love Valinda but I can't hold her and be comforted by her embrace. And I know I have friends and family that want to help, and they do help in their way. They keep me distracted - they make me appreciate all the wonderful things they have done for my wife and I. But everything in the world that they do does not have the same meaning as one hug had for me from my wife. I have to face my deepest sorrows without my best friend, without my most trusted companion, without my lover, without my soulmate.

I'm confident that I'll be okay. I'm embracing this grieving process because it is needed to heal. I accept that my grieving process will be different than yours. I glad to have memories that sustain me and I know I was blessed to have had this love. I'm grateful for our time together on this planet.

I know everything is working as it should. But I still miss her. I still can't predict from one minute to the next whether I'll be laughing, or crying, whether I'll be numb or whether I'll be overjoyed from a love well lived. I believe I have the will to survive this and become a better person for it. I've told many people - Valinda and I had a love story....not a love story with a tragic ending but a love story without an ending. I believe that to be true.

And once again, I grateful for this simple site. I'm grateful I have you to share my grief with as you share yours.

hansie
Posts: 37
Joined: Jul 2008

seems october was rough on all of us... i lost my wife barbara to sclc on 10/14.Things are just starting to set in now...the kids have had me runnin,constantly needing me, guidance and help,but now as their needs taper off i am slowly becoming aware of my own needs,too.Theyre something i havent really thought about in two years,and still feel guilty thinking of taking a night off for myself,forget doing it.It all takes time,i pray for all of us...ch

MichelleP's picture
MichelleP
Posts: 254
Joined: May 2009

I too lost my husband on 10-13 and it's been beyond words for me since then. I can't sleep...can't eat....I just look for him and talk to him all the time. I have indeed had "signs" from him that he's still with me in spirit I guess you might say. I'm just devastated without his physical presence. There are so many things that need to be done when your loved one passes and it's so darn painful. Just hearing the "D" word is too much for me. Taking care of all the financial things and his personal items, which are numerous, is so hard. I have his pictures placed all over the house just so I can look at his silly smile...he loved having his picture taken.

My heart too is broken.....I just pray to God that as soon as I have things in order that the Lord will come for me too...I want to be with my husband again.

sierrareef
Posts: 13
Joined: Jun 2006

First, thanks to all of you once again for your heartfelt words.

Hansie - It seems there are more women here sharing feelings about their lost husbands and mothers. There aren't too many men sharing their thoughts - thank you for your words.

MichelleP - Your last words sadden me but I can relate to your despair. I hope for an eternal future with my wife as well but I don't wish to say when.

Time is confusing to me right now. My sister-in-law said she felt the world should have stopped when her mother died and that's how I feel. The love of my life was alive one second, but then came the next second. And that second, as well as all the rest, were seconds wherein my wife was no longer breathing, where she no longer had a pulse. It those seconds just kept coming and coming, and then the minutes, the hours, the days...now the weeks...next the months and years.

And I wanted the world to STOP! I'm not ready to just keep going. I don't want the gap between now and when my wife was last alive to just keep on growing. I want it to stop growing. I want to cling to what we had. I want to go back in time and return to being able to hold her.

But time keeps going, widening the gap and dragging me along with it.

I want to honor my wife by continuing to live my life filled with the radiance of our love. I'll try to love my neighbors, my colleagues, my friends, strangers and even enemies. All beings - all creatures. Love is all there is - at least it's all that there should be. Do we all share that now that we've been rocked with the loss of our loved ones?

When I see her next I want her to be proud of the life I lived.

But until then I'll cry, then I'll laugh, then I'll veg-out...I'll sleep, then cry some more. I'll talk to her and hope she can hear me. I'll cry more and tell her how much I miss and love her. I'll work - I'll be storng for her kids. I'll be jovial with the grandkids and answer their questions about where "Nana" has gone.

I liked being Valinda's husband. I don't want to have to stop liking being Valinda's husband.

Forgive me. It's late and I tend to ramble. I'll send some thoughts your way MichelleP - I hope you can find peace here on earth while your husband rests in peace.

sierrareef
Posts: 13
Joined: Jun 2006

I thought I'd come back and visit with others who can understand the loss I'm dealing with. I've been surprised by recent feelings of acute grief, although I shouldn't be. My emotions have been like a small roller coaster ride, but inevitably the depth of my loss rocks me.

It's been almost 11 months since my wife passed away. I try to stay aware of my emotions as they roll back and forth - I try and bring attention to my thought process while my tears are flowing freely and the foreverness of her absence fills me with pain and longing. I don't want to be a prisoner to my grief for the rest of my life so I try to understand it.

She's been gone less than a year, and it's been the most difficult time of my life.

I suffered from pretty severe lonliness before I met Valinda but the lonliness I suffer now is different. I once felt isolated in this world and confused about why I was unable to find the love of my life - with so many people on earth - how could I be alone? I don't feel that anymore, Valinda cured me of that. I met her, lost my lonliness and found a healthy love. So I'm not lonely now - in fact I rather enjoy my many quiet moments. But I do miss her - I am lonely for her and I struggle with knowing that I might have many more years of life in front of me without her. I'm also not a person with a firm conviction on what will happen to me when I die. Will I be reborn? Will I go to heaven and be with her for eternity (that was Valinda's belief). Or is this it and when it's over, it's over? If I only I for sure, maybe it would help...maybe it wouldn't.

My spiritual path requires me to keep searching for my answers through meditation and training. Maybe someday I'll find the enlightenment I seek - until then......?

Peace and well being to you all.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

It was good to hear from you. This is a lonely time for us. I have a faith that brings me a great deal of peace, but it doesn't take away the hurt. I agree that the idea of living without our loved one for many years is a tough one. After all, we were suppose to grow old together. I try not to think too far ahead. We lost our spouse at about the same time. At times, it feels like just a short time ago. I hate being alone but I am dealing. Fay

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

???????

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

Opps

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grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

Triple post

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grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

Double post

sierrareef
Posts: 13
Joined: Jun 2006

Thanks for your reply. I also have a path that sustains me and has been a great comfort during the past few years - even before I lost Valinda. Still, there are those moments of despair when I allow myself to wonder if it all is worthwhile - they don't last long ans they don't occur frequently but they remind me of how everlastng the death of a loved one can be. I walked outside this evening and had an odd thought when I looked in my backyard - almost a feeling like my yard misses her, my home misses her, my car misses her.... What a powerful organ our brain is, one moment saving us, one moment playing with us, one moment bringing us pain. My memories can lead to mournful moments, and then to extreme joy. So, I just allow myself to feel whatever I'm feeling while trying to mindful so I can grow from the experience. I wish I knew where it was all going.....

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

I can relate to the lonliness you feel. My beloved husband died 6 months ago today. I still cry if I hear a sad song, or go someplace where we used to go together. Trying to keep busy helps, but when you come home to an empty house the pain starts all over again. We were married 46 years and had known each other since 1st grade, so it's like part of my life is gone. We had a great marriage, 3 wonderful kids & 3 grandsons who miss him terribly. Memories are good to remember, but like you said some lead to sad moments. Guess all we can do is take one day at a time, and if you feel like crying just do it and hopefully some day the tears will dry up. God Bless You!

prince99
Posts: 1
Joined: Oct 2012

My wife was just 33 yrs when she left me. She was diagnosed with Anaplastic Astrocytoma Grade III in 2007. But it got operated and she was fully recovered... But this year.. it got recurred again.. and spread faster before we could do anything (rather.. god did not allow us to do anything as if she was destined to go) She left us this 16th. Our kids are just 9 yrs and 6 yrs.. I do not know what to do... she was my everything.. God has snatched her from me... killing all the happiness...

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry. I know words don't help, but I want you to know that I'm thinking of you and your children. Right now all you can do is take each day, hour, or minute at a time and put one foot in front of the other. Please consider a grief group or counseling. Hospice and/or the American Cancer Society and help you find a group. Those first few weeks are hard. Time has helped me. I hope it will help you, too. Your children may also need some support. I know there are some good programs out there,for children who have lost a parent to cancer. I hope you have some support. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Prayers and hugs, Fay

higain
Posts: 1
Joined: Dec 2012

I feel your pain, its all to real. Mine just passed on 12/13/12 from Lung Cancer, after being diagnosed just in Sept, her tumors actually grew thru 5 weeks of Chemo & Radiation. I'm still numb but afraid the worst is yet to come as reality begins to set in. We spent almost all our time everyday together for years and she was the love of my life and very best friend. How do we do it? I guess simply keep taking breaths because there is no other choice. I miss her so so much.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so very sorry for your loss. I forget this board at times and it doesn't get much traffic. So, I am also sorry that I didn't answer you sooner. I know words,don't help, but I remember coming here those first few days after my husband died. Knowing that there were people here who understood what I was going through did help. I remember reading posts through my tears. It was an important part of my grieving process. I hope you also find some comfort here. Right now just concentrate on taking care of yourself now. Each of us finds our own way in our own time. I can offer that three years out I am doing better. I still miss him each and every day, but my grief has mellowed. He will always be a part of me. I wouldn't want it any other way. The Grief and Bereavement board here gets more traffic and you will find others dealing with loss. You might also want to check the dates. Older posts get fewer amswers. Again, I am sorry for your loss. I know that is probably a phrase you hate because you have heard it way too many times. I haven't found a better one, though. Take care, Fay

GeorgeJungle
Posts: 2
Joined: Jan 2013

you and your family are in my prayers

GeorgeJungle
Posts: 2
Joined: Jan 2013

I'm new here, wife has stage 4 breast cancer, it's spread to limp nodes and possible thyroid. We're just getting started, my heart goes out to all who has loss a loved one, ours lives has been turned upside down and sideways. I just felt a need to introduce myself and say a 1000 things but just cannot.....I'm loss ......

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

I am sorry that you are now in the club none of us wanted to be a part of. Those first few days, weeks and months as you try to wrap your head around your loved one's dx cancer are hard. I hope you have lots of support. These boards are very helpful. I wish I had found them earlier in our fight. Right now I am sure that you are both a little scared. That's pretty normal.  Coming here helps us see that others share many of our feelings and frustrations. it isn't that misery loves company. It is just nice to know that we are not alone. One hint is to check the dates on the posts. Some of the posters no longer post so you get fewer responses to those. I highly recommend the caregivers board. There are more newbies there, too. Take care. Cancer is a family affair. Fay

jy
Posts: 2
Joined: Mar 2013

I am so sorry to hear of the losses expressed on this discussion board.  I did want to pass along a new online resource for those fathers whose spouses have died from cancer and who are raising children in the home: http://singlefathersduetocancer.org  If this fits your situation, I welcome you to visit the site, particularly a series of short videos we just uploaded featuring fathers from our support group.

 

I hope you find our website helpful and I wish you all the best moving forward.

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