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Grief Therapy

SonSon's picture
SonSon
Posts: 186
Joined: Jul 2009

Ok, y'all... I need your feedback here...

My husband is having a horrible time dealing with the loss of his mother. Not eating well, not sleeping well, crying a LOT, not being motivated to necessary things (works in sales) incredibly indecisive...

It has been a month and I called the social worker from hospice and she said she could come out and sit with us an hour.

I mentioned it to my husband and he said he does not want to think about her and remember all the bad stuff. (then says he wants to go the the cemetery to visit her grave on Friday - the same day I suggested having a visit by the social worker).

I am thinking of just having her come and talk to me and if he happens to want to sit down with us then it would be good.

What do you all think?

Fatima Thank you in advance.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1617
Joined: Aug 2009

It sounds like your husband does need help coping with his mother's death. Sometimes our strong men have trouble accepting not only help but even the idea that they may need some help. I would probably go ahead and meet with the social worker by myself or with him present. I'd let him know that I am not going against his wishes as much as I am seeking help for myself in understanding ways to help both of you grieve. I know losing a parent is hard no matter how old we are. Grieving is important, but there are more productive ways to grieve. I wish you both the best. I am making every effort to care for myself now. I know that my husband expected me to carry on. That helps me move forward. Fay

SonSon's picture
SonSon
Posts: 186
Joined: Jul 2009

Thanks, Fay...
I sometimes mention a happy memory that made her, and us, smile when talking to my hubby on the phone (he travels extensively). It is hard for him - but I tell him that I think his mom would want him to keep smiling and learn how to go on in life. He is not there, yet, but hopefully if I keep saying these things it will help encourage him.
Yes, I really believe that our loved ones want the best for us - part of which is learning how to adapt to the new life after they are gone. Keep on taking care of yourself, Fay - you are a wonderful addition to this world.
Fatima

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

I think that's a great idea to have the worker over to just speak with you if he doesn't want to talk to her but make sure you tell him she is coming over to speak to you so he doesn't feel like he is being railroaded. Maybe she can come on a day when he will be home though so that if he feels like joining in he can. Just a thought.

Hope all goes well, let us know. Blessings, Bluerose

tiny one
Posts: 467
Joined: Jan 2009

People deal with grief in many ways. It can get easier over time or harder. A month to your husband probably feels to him like she just passed away. The only way to truly heal is to feel the pain. This isn't easy. Sometimes there is unfinished business that hasn't been taken care of. Don't push him to talk to someone if he's not ready. Grief feels like an empty place in our body that cannot be filled, a rage that needs to come out. Tears that will not stop. Pain so bad it is paralizing. It is a slow process within oneself to heal.

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

A few weeks after my father died, I hit a place where I couldn't stop crying. I had taken care of him at the end, and I learned in grief therapy that mental pictures of those last weeks were a big part of my problem. The therapist had me find favorite photos of my dad when he was happy and healthy. When the pictures I didn't want popped into my brain, I learned to "click" to one of the images I loved, like you'd do with a carousel slide projector. I know this sounds simple but it really works, and actually creates smiles in the face of despair.

tasha_111's picture
tasha_111
Posts: 2048
Joined: Oct 2008

PLEASE MAKE HIM DO THIS! before it ruins his (and your) life. My husband lost his Mum 3 years ago and became 'Mr Angry!'... He made my life HELL whilst I was going through cancer dx and treatments and I sat back, supported him and thought it would all get better soon..............IT DID NOT! .. It got worse until the relationship was almost over.

Women externalise feelings, they cry on a friends shoulder and get upset when they talk about things. Men internalise........They get mad at others and guard their grief .. they are not allowed to show their feelings right from childhood..........it's weak, wussy, being a woman.........etc etc etc. I wouldn't want to deal with the burden of being a Man, they have it hard.

Help him to take action before it takes over your lives, I know this can be damned near impossible, I tried it...

Huge Hugs to you Jxxxxxxxxx

SonSon's picture
SonSon
Posts: 186
Joined: Jul 2009

Thanks all for your feedback - all useful.

I did have the social worker come out. My husband did actually come out of the spare room in his bathrobe after brushing his hair (thanks!)...
He sat with us most of the time. He got up and walked out a couple times (he was hiding his tears).

The social worker was really good at directing the discussion to help us focus on important points related to this whole grief process.

In this conversation I found out that my husband has refused to take any of the anti-depressant medicine that the doctor had prescribed him about a month before his mother died. While I did expect him to be very sad after his mother died this will explain what seems to me excessive sadness. I was very worried about him traveling and crying about what seemed nothing - at least we were not talking about his mother and he'd start crying.

The social worker helped me to decide to go to a group grief therapy program and maybe some one on one. I am dealing with lots of issues that are compounded or highlighted by my grief after my mother-in-law died.

So - it was good for both of us and I would encourage anyone else to access the services of hospice social worker to help with the whole grieving process.

Tasha - I like your reggae-dog :)

Fatima

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