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pain and alone

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

Hi all, I feel bad for posting this, because I know everyone is going through their own things. I am having a really tough time handling things. I am in a lot of pain to where I can't even lie still. I am very depressed, and I don't know what to do about it. I want help but I want it on my terms, and I don't know how to get that. :( I go through days where I feel like there isn't anyone that cares about me. What should I do? Is there someone I could call just for anonymous advice or something?

sue Siwek
Posts: 281
Joined: Jun 2009

please talk to you dr. they can help. they have seen everything that you can possibly imagine and will not judge you. think about this, they know more than you want anyone to know about you so why not ask your drs. to help? please call them they know how to help. thinking about you, let this site know....call now.

SonSon's picture
SonSon
Posts: 186
Joined: Jul 2009

Please come here and talk to us.
For me, anyway, hearing what others are going through at least helps distract from what I am going through.
And it makes me feel good if I can give a good word or some small bit of advice.
I think a lot of have felt very alone in this struggle, just as you've expressed.
Fatima

sue Siwek
Posts: 281
Joined: Jun 2009

not suggesting that anyone give up this site but, we are not capable of dealing with everything that one is confronted with dealing with the big C. we must look to every avenue open to us.

coloCan
Posts: 1835
Joined: Oct 2009

Perhaps a talk with a psychiatrist or psychologist or social worker or even a sympathetic doctor or nurse. Seeking professional help for feelings beyond your control is a sign of strength as you want to help yourself. Going thru depression is common among us diagnosed with cancer-I was in zombieland for a while, in a total daze,paralyzed,unable to do anything.

Also ask about painkillers, pills/shots/patches.
My brother and sister deserted me upon diagnosis (and other matters) but at least I have my girlfriend-without her I could not live independently nor would I have survived treatment and surgery so far.I hope you do not live alone without any support line.To beat cancer you must be strong and positive because you're gonna go thru hell. Its normal to at times want to give up but then YOU have to overcome that and get back in the battle. Never give up, please( I know this is easier said than done as I am not in your shoes. I wish you the best in any event) Steve

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

"Wounded healers" can really help each other "make it through the rain". I know they did for me, more than once. I also had the chance to "pay it forward" by helping others. Your place of worship, hospital, public library, or community center may have a list of area support groups to meet you needs.

Love and Courage!

Rick

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

You said you wanted to ask for help but wanted it "on my terms." What are your terms? Just curious. Are your terms interfering with you getting the help you need? I hope you find your way. Do what you need to do. This is a scary journey. Try to find some support. Don't be afraid to post even if you are feeling down. Fay

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

PM me and let me know what you need...we talked before and then you stopped, I would like to help but it seems that its not me that you want help from. Simply tell us what it is you want and we will try and satisfy that need for you. We are all in this together. I already know what the situation with you is , just let me help you if you will. You don't have to do this alone, but you do have to start trusting others ....Clift

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1154
Joined: May 2008

Is right, Please let us know what we can do for you.

please take care

michelle

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

Really, I can't thank you enough. It means so much when people reply. I don't have a lot of people that I communicate with about my illness. I have been suffering from a deep depression, and, dare I say this...I think the depression has been harder to deal with. I've been avoiding certain tests, I've had panic attacks, I've freaked out a little, but my life is literally on the line-I don't have time to have a nervous breakdown; although, I do believe I'm having one. I wish I felt like I were going to survive this. I am not strong enough to handle all of these major decisions. My odds suck.
I hope you are doing ok Michelle. Please keep keeping in touch.

L

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

Clift, thank you for your words. I'm sorry I never replied to your last PM. As of late, the only way I've been getting on this website has been through my blackberry phone. It's super easy to lay around in bed and use my phone-dont even have to sit up ;) but my blackberry doesn't get to the PM screen very well. I appreciate all the support from everyone. I am just making it through. I don't think there's anything anyone can do, but I really appreciate you all letting me know that there are people that care. I feel very alone here sometimes, so it's good to know that there's at least online support.

I hope everyone else is doing okay.

L

Buzzard's picture
Buzzard
Posts: 3073
Joined: Aug 2008

There isn't anything anyone can do, unless you allow them to. It is your decision but I don't take no for an answer. I am more than willing to get you to your parents for the necessary care that you need, I am more than willing to buy you a non-stop plane ticket to your parents so that they can get you the help you so desperately need. I don't take no for an answer, if you are adamant that you will go I will have the ticket by Monday. Your choice, but there is the help you need and no its not on your terms but to be honest you don't have many options and your life is more important to more people than you know. You giving up on it simply shows me that I am failing, and I do not take defeat easily. Please, as a near,dear friend, let me do this one thing for you...You have nothing at all to lose...just change your terms, thats all it takes. We all have to step out of our comfort zone at one time or another. Please , just this once, take a walk on the wild side and go see the folks......we love ya, {{{hugs}}}, Clift

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

I think about going home all of the time. I really miss my family. It looks like I'm scheduled to be hospitalized the Monday before Thanksgiving here in my state. If I were to move back home with my parents, I would,t have health insurance. The sad thing is-my parents won't come here-they're way too afraid to fly. My mom still doesn't know.
Having a lot of pain today in my head and back-hurts a lot. Does anyone have some coping techniques for pain? I'm trying very hard not to take a lot of pain pills. I am extremely worn out.
I was writing emails to a friend, but she dropped me-couldn't take it anymore. I need someone that can deal with my stubborness, but will listen to me sometimes when I'm not feeling well. I need someone that won't make me feel like I'm a bother-I don't have that currently at all except a few online friends. :(
L

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1154
Joined: May 2008

I am giving you a big hug. why are you going into the hospital? I think you are so brave to try this all alone, My thoughts are with you and you have a restful day,

michelle

mr steve
Posts: 286
Joined: Sep 2009

L,

There are a lot of people here. most of us are pretty stubborn too. you can always talk here.

Steve

marywest's picture
marywest
Posts: 135
Joined: Sep 2009

I just have to comment on you for being so giving and going above and beyond to help someone. Putting people first is an act of love, kindess and giving. There are truly some awsome people and nothing blesses me more than to see it written where people are ready to take action for another person. Your awsome.

kathrynlib
Posts: 8
Joined: Nov 2009

Dear Minnie, I am alone and with cancer also. I feel often as you do.All my friends have gone away and I guess it's my looks or they think they will get it.I pray you get this today Sat. November 14,09. Your not alone because now I know your out there. We can be buddies if you like. I am female, and in Florida. Family far away and can't help. I look forward to talking with you. We can encourage each other.
Hug enclosed, Kathrynlib

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

It's Saturday November 14th, and I just happened to look at this site. I'm alone in a hotel room, and I can barely walk and get around. I have been so scared lately, and everyday there seems to be something that gets worse, or something new to deal with. I knew things were going to happen this way, but I didn't expect to be as scared as I am. My family is far away too. I'm not home where I live because my roommate was having a get together with friends and family, and I wanted quiet and alone time-plus I've been in so much pain lately. I would welcome the chance to have someine to talk to. I'm female too and in Minnesota-pretty far way from you. What are you suffering from? I have a tumor in my brain and they believe there are growths or lesions or something in my spine, which is causing most of the escalating pain. All of the words start getting jumbled together after a while, don't they? I'm going to go into a very good hospital in a week, hopefully they can at least do something about the pain. I'm sort of scared to tell them how depressed I am, I sort of wish I had a therapist, but I guess what can they do at this point. I'm terminal, and so most of my friends have distanced themselves from me except for my best friends. I miss my family, I just wish I knew what to do at this point.

I hope that everyone is doing well tonight and are as pain free as possible.

L

coloCan
Posts: 1835
Joined: Oct 2009

ask your doctor(s) to refer you to social worker, psychiatrist pr psychologist-they can help IF you let them, or at least provide a professional ear. This web site can be helpful to. I too am stubborn and not used to depending on others but chemo and surgery left me helpless for awhile. I rely on my girlfriend, doctors/nurses/staff and the kindness of strangers here, Let people help you, you can't do this by yourself. Do not give up.....Steve

Greg48
Posts: 6
Joined: Nov 2008

I will pray for your healing and for every person who comes
in contact with you is uplifting and positive in your time of
need.

newbornbunny
Posts: 15
Joined: Nov 2009

So sorry for everyone. I am in pain and am totally alone--no family. Friends all work.
I tried to attend a support meeting, but I couldn't find the people. Now I must work--have used all of my sick leave up and even more--and cannot attend a support meeting. The counselor whom I talked with really had nothing to say beyond yoga breathing tricks and "How does it make you feel?" type of questions, with no ideas or suggestions. I called cancer association help line. Person said, "How does it make you feel?" and nothing more. Just silence. After a few minutes, I said, "Thank you. Good-bye."

One doctor told me that all of her other patients were happy that surgery had saved their lives. All of her other patients have family. I have done everything, gone to every appointment, alone. I am 60 years old.

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

I am in so much pain and depression right now I feel like I am going out of my mind. I'll be heading to the hospital this Sunday for an early appointment Monday. :( :-( I'm scared. I knwo I am a baby, but i am scared. i woudl give anyhrthing for family or somet\one to talk to or someone to actually give ma hug.

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi Minnie. I am sorry for your situation and am in a similar one myself with being on my own and experiencing many days when being on my own with pain and other physical and emotional challenges can be overwhelming. On top of everything else I deal with after cancet treatment years back (late effects from it all) I hurt my hip and back yesterday and can hardly walk today at all. How to change my cat's litter, make my meals, get up and down from my bed on my own - small things people don't think twice about I know how it is when you are alone and in pain. I hear you loud and clear.

You asked about anonymous advice from someone when you need it and other than on this board which I am sure you are finding helpful I have a couple of suggestions. First of all there is a site that is a good one for spiritual and emotional support. It is The Hour of Power site, it's a tv church program and it isn't what you might think - not a ram it down your throat type of religion - it's more spiritual and very helpful. You go to hourofpower.org and click on New Hope which is their one on one counselling chat. You wait a minute, after filling out a small form, and a live counsellor will come on in type to help you with whatever is bothering you. They are up and running 24/7 for the most part but if it is closed try back in an hour or so and I'm sure they will be there for you. It's live chat, not a board so you get instant feedback - they are very good I found.

Also if you feel quite upset and really need good counselling from counsellors who work with more traumatic situations you probably could find a Crisis Line in your area. Just call your local city hall for their number and many times these crisis lines are also found in the front of your local phone book. If all that fails then your nearest clinic or hospital or police station should have a number for a crisis line. Too there is a cancer information line with all kinds of information on cancer and it's effects on a person. I don't have their address but if you email CSN and ask for the phone number for the cancer information centre I know they have it. They might have good resource numbers there too.

There is ALWAYS someone to talk to, you don't have to be totally alone. Of course you can also try going into the chatroom on this site too, I know that the night time is active and in the daytime you can often find people in there to talk with as well.

All the best, hope today is a better day for you. Blessings, Bluerose

newbornbunny
Posts: 15
Joined: Nov 2009

I did call the Crisis Line in my city. After I told the counselor what was happening to me, she said the usual line: "How does that make you feel?" I couldn't speak because I was so upset. She said nothing for five minutes. Another "Thank you and good bye" from me. Why do counselors do that? Where can I get help that does not require me to go into a long description of my feelings? I am calling for help. These feelings are hurting me. Talking about them does not help. I want to change them by doing something besides Yoga breathing. Are counselors and social workers trained to say only that sentence? Any counselors out there? Are all counselors alike, or do I just get the New Age ones?

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

I know what you mean about 'that' kind of counsellor but that is a pretty standard psychological response from mental health care professionals when they don't know the patient well and want to find out what makes them tick. If they know how you are feeling about a certain thing then they know better where you are going with that particular thought process but I know what you mean, it's frustrating for sure.

I am not a counsellor by any means but have had counsellor's like that and the only thing that I do in cases like that, if it's a call in situation, is try again another night at another time and try to get someone else you can link with better. Just like in any field there are those who are better at counselling than others, picking up on what to say with any given comment that is thrown at them by a caller.

Don't give up on crisis lines though, I have had some good counsellors back years ago when I called them now and again.

The best thing is to get a psychologist/psychiatrist or other prof. counsellor who sees you on a regular basis and thereby will get to know you better and avoid these cookie cutter responses. Still when you are in real crisis the crisis lines are usually pretty good.

Blessings, Bluerose

SonSon's picture
SonSon
Posts: 186
Joined: Jul 2009

This question you keep getting when calling for help is a knee-jerk response intended to get you to elaborate a bit more so that they can offer something thoughtful.
More than that, it helps to "name" your feelings...For example, in grieving my mother-in-law passing it is helpful for me to say to myself that at this moment I am feeling resentful (for example)...then think of why I feel resentful and try to think it out. It does not remove the grief, but understanding helps me to be patient with the process and to work it out.
I am sure that many of your feelings are very compact and complicated. Not easy to describe in a word or even a sentence.
I have been to counselors/social workers/psychologists many times in my life and found it soooo frustrating that I had to repeat "my story" every time...But I needed the assistance so I patiently told them enough to get started.
I hope you can find it in yourself to keep calling the crisis line or to walk into an office and get the help you need.
Fatima

spoonchek's picture
spoonchek
Posts: 30
Joined: Nov 2009

I can completely relate to MinnieMN and NewBornbunny in terms of being alone. My Mom who I lived with passed away in March and my only other family member, my sister has completely deserted me even though she lives in a nearby suburb. I do have friends and they try hard to be available to me but they are married and have families and so its different from having family members around. I was rediagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer in early June which devastated me. I too have been severely depressed and frightened of the future and although I see a psychiatrist from time to time and am on anti-depressants, it just doesn't seem to change my despair, loneliness and fear.

Coming here to this website certainly helps to not feel so isolated and is sort of like a lifeline. I just wanted to let others know that I understand their pain of going through this without family. I send my love and support and friendship and please feel free to communicate with me at any time.

Teri

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

Hi Teri,

Thank you so much for posting. I just read your post, and it hit a cord and made me cry. I'm not sure what it was you said, but you hit something in me. That's what I'm looking for-a lifeline-plain and simple. Everything seems so deppressing. I deal with despair everytime my eyes are open, which I suppose would explain my tendency to keep them closed. I want so badly to find something to excite me and make me happy-something to get me going-something to help me ENJOY the time I have left on this Earth. I believe I have a limited time. It keeps hitting me in the face that my "functional" time is getting less and less. However, I have sunk into such a depressed state that I think that I want things to move on, because what's left will be pain. But I don't want to be that way. I'm not suicidal, don't think that. It's just that...I've been thinking about heaven and things like that, and this seems better than what I'm going through right now. But I know I need to fight hard, which I am...fighting. The hardest thing that I'm fighting is the sadness-the fear of what's going to happen next and what it will feel like. I don't want to be like this. I am going to see a bunch of doctors next week-I will be at the hospital on Monday morning. I'm going to tell them how I feel and that I want a therapist, someone to help me deal emotionally. I have a fear of mental health doctors-I don't want the men in white jackets to come get me-and I like having control-I don't like any decision making abilities to be taken away from me. I believe I have deserved that- to decide what treatment I want and don't want. Anyways, let me reiterate that I am not suicidal nor a danger to anyone, so don't nobody call anybody. What I'm trying to say is that I'm just depressed, and I'm dying literally with an illness, and it's hard. It's just hard and scary. I think I'm greiving my own life. Does that make sense? I need a friend, someone that doesn't mind reading depressing emails like this-I have to get it out and need someone to listen. I'm like Teri, my friends have families and care, but it's not like a family member. I have family, but they have been abusive, and they wouldn't be supportive. I love my parents, but there's history. Long story. Would anyone care to be an e-mail buddy? I can take my blackberry into the hospital :)

spoonchek's picture
spoonchek
Posts: 30
Joined: Nov 2009

Read your post and can very much relate to your thoughts. If you want to, go and read my blog on which I've added my new diary entries. It explains in more detail about my feelings. Again, the words you wrote above REALLY make sense to me and I can DEFINITELY relate to your feelings of fear and how difficult it is. I feel the same way and find myself praying every morning to find the strength to get through another day. So yes, please do email me at any time and I will respond. I know how difficult it is to feel like someone accepts you, depression and all....it makes me reluctant to communicate at times as I feel so often that I have to present a "good" mood when inside I'm crying with confusion and fear. God Bless you on your hospital trip and yes, do tell them how you are feeling. We've got to try to keep communicating.... Teri

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1154
Joined: May 2008

I hope you are ok and that they can help you at the hospital, You are in my thoughts, Happy thanksgiving.

michelle

MinnieMN
Posts: 47
Joined: Aug 2009

Here I am, I'm still here woohoo. Been a really rough week for me and Thanksgiving was quite lonely, but it's over. I can relax the next couple of days now, and then next week will probably be just as rough if not more so. But I'm getting good care-the best for what 0i have. I hope everyone is well. 0i hope you had a wonderful holiday with family.
L

ERIC 60
Posts: 4
Joined: Nov 2009

25 years ago I came down with cancer and thought my life was over. I was 35 and had a very positive attitude about beating it and I did.
25 years later ( 8 weeks ago) I have relapsed. It was a big surprize. Seems like it had been with me for years. My wife of 4 years walked away and friends said let me know if you need anything, that is till you call. It now sucks at age 60 I am so sick and have no desire to do anything. Depression does come with cancer at least for me. I know you need support but after a while your afraid to call some one, you become frozen.
Its hard and lonely but the next day comes.
It is true that to do this alone is Hell.

spoonchek's picture
spoonchek
Posts: 30
Joined: Nov 2009

I can relate to your post especially the part about depression and feeling "frozen" as I feel the same way. Friends mean well but its difficult since I can't tell them that things have improved or I'm "okay" now. I'm so sorry to hear about what happened with your wife--that is awful and so hurtful. This site is helpful so stay tuned, but know that others understand your feelings.

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