Cancer Survivors Network

oh, it is so difficult isn't it? i would suggest that you assert yourself with the oncologist. we had a wonderful oncologist who just said to my husband, you need counseling and we went, together. i know this is hard to believe, but she is taking it out on you because she trust you. crazy! i guess i would take a walk, not too long but long enough for her to rant, cry or what ever she needs to do. just know it is not you, it is what is happening to her and that she has no control over it. don't give up the end result will be worth it.

It sure isn't easy. I can empathize. My partner of 19 years has stage 4 colon cancer as well (dx'd 2 years ago). I think that Sue is right - part of the reason you're bearing the brunt of her anger is because she loves you and trusts you. Not that she's doing it intentionally. Also, depending on what meds she's on, those can have a big effect on personality and mood.

You might check out the colorectal cancer forum here also. There are lots of caregivers on there also and the people are wonderfully supportive. I had always been sort of dismissive of online "communities" but this group is amazing. Also, it gets more traffic than any other forum on this site.

The best I can say is hang in there and try to find a way to let off steam yourself.

Adrian

Both respondents offer great advice, allackey. Sue's suggestion, if I read correctly, that some joint counselling would be helpful is especially worth a look, along with the advice to 'take a walk' on occasion. I also like Adrien's notion that you should be sure to let off steam on occasion. I tend to extend that to the point of saying that a good caregiver is one who takes good care of the giver.

You MUST be sure to get away on occasion, with some hobby or even just for that walk sue suggests, so that you can remain the great caregiver that you appear to be.

That said, I am talking from the other side of the fence, if you will. I am a survivor, twice now, once from head/neck cancer and then from lung cancer.

Among the emotions and attitudes we seem to develop, reasonable or not, among the anger, frustration, denial, fear, and so forth, interestingly, at least I noticed it, was a strange sense of entitlement.

It was as if coming face to face with my mortality (as I did) entitled me to ignore society's mores and even its laws, the ones I chose to ignore (speed limit being among my personal favorites). All of which is to say thata we somehow develop the notion that we are allowed to be asses now.

I speak from personal experience.

Maybe simply sitting down and talking about this with your wife, maybe letting her know that you are completely befuddled about what she expects from you would be a great first step in moving forward. Maybe.

Cancer often takes much more than it is biologically designed to take, regrettably, and it is up to us, as survivors and caregivers, to make sure that it does not.

Best wishes to your wife and her family and loved ones.

Take care,

Joe

Hi
From the other replies you already have several suggestions already and I'd like to add one more - maybe its just a different way of saying what's already been said. My husband was diagnsoed with GBM (stage IV brain tumour) in Mar 09. He was on steroids after his op in Mar for about 3 weeks and was put back on steroids 4 weeks ago but even when he was not on steroids he behaved the way you are describing. Doesn't matter what it was, it would always be my fault. He'd get upset with his mum or his sister or the kids and it would be my fault. I took it passively for the first couple of months but then decided to point out to him that his having cancer did not give him an excuse to use me as a punching bag (verbal abuse only). I also pointed out that through thick and thin I have been around, for every seizure, every operation, every doctor's visit and almost every blood test...that there was noone else spending so much time with him and so it must be easy for him to take it out on me. What kept me and keeps me by his side is the fact that I love him, there is no blood bond that ties me to him. I am here because I want to be. Until I had an open discussion with him about how I felt, he didn't consciously realise what he was doing. Its so easy for everything to become about the cancer but its also about our relationships as we go through this together. And when he tries to pick a fight out of thin air I simply say "Are you trying to pick a fight?" and that normally stops him. I know that we women are probably not so easily stopped but really its all about finding out how to talk this out...keeping communication lines open.
Good luck.

Was out of town for a few days of R&R or I would have responded sooner. I can relate to what you are going through. My husband, George, Stage IV Colorectal, just finished his first six months of chemo. While on chemo he did not start arguments but he was very short and a little harsh with me. If I asked a simple question and did not hear his answer, and asked again, he would snap that he already told me. I found it best to just walk away. When I did that, he soon realized that he was being hurtful and he did not mean it. George does not have a mean bone in his body. I did a little research and found that this is quite common. One of his drugs was Decadron and most likely was to blame. Although you can't say it out loud without people thinking you sound like a jerk keep in mind that although your spouse/partner has the cancer you are living the cancer and sometimes it just is not easy. If you like golf, fishing, working out, anything like that go ahead and do it, you need to take time for yourself and regroup. Take care.