i've never had the chance to talk to anyone about this. my family is the type that pretends everything is ok when it's not. we don't want to be pitied. we want to appear that everything is alright. isn't this the american way? don't show your weakness. but i can't handle it anymore. i need to talk to someone. i've never talked to a psychiatrist but i think i should. but i'm poor and scared to. i don't want to ask my parents because they are already dealing with too much. here is my story. i would appreciate your insight. i value other people's opinions so much more than mine. :[
i am a 19 year old female in college.
my father was diagnosed with cancer in 2001. his cancer has spread from his throat to his back to his hip to his lungs and now to his brain. i found out about that this past summer and i have not been able to pull myself together.
over the past couple of years i think i have been suffering from post tramautic disorder/depression/ and bi polar.... i don't have any close friends at college and sit in my room almost every single night friday and saturday by myself. i don't have a roommate. i don't mind being by myself sometimes. but i get sooooo lonely. no one invites me to dinner and when i do go out with people it's so fake it makes me sick. i'm stressed out constantly mainly because of my dad. he started chemotherapy a few weeks ago and last time i saw him he was losing a lot of hair. whenever i talk to him he asks me when i'm coming home. he goes for chemo treatments near my college and i go and sick with him while the medicine pumps into his veins. he looks awful and feels terrible. he is in stage 4 cancer. and although no one wants to say it i feel that his end is near. i dont know how to cope with this. i think i'm suffering from bipolar disorder because times like this i feel soooooooo sad and depressed and nothing can drag me out. i don't want to see people for days and only feel sorry for myself. i don't go out of my way to talk to people because i know they'll reject me. i'm a beautiful fit girl but even though everything looks alright on the outside it's not on the inside. my family doesn't allow anyone to talk to outsiders about this. my mom told me last time when i was home,,, after i had a crying episode, that i must stay strong for my little sibling who shouldn't see me crying. how the fuck am i supposed to stay strong when i barely have a grip on my life. i am a sophomore and have no idea what my major is, my dad is dying and no one wants to talk to me about it none of my friends know--- i hate going home. i know that i have to because 'it's the right thing to do' but it makes me sick every time i see him. i avoid him so it's easier for me when he does pass away. i've already prepared myself for this. and every time i think about it i BAWL my eyes out. besides this, i have no friends in college and the guy i've been dating broke up with me... i couldn't tell him what was going on.. i just couldn't. i don't know whom to confide in. i talk to my mom a lot about this. she knows everything i'm going through but tells me to be strong. to look good. and push through school. i'm losing my grip on life. no one wants me. no one cares about me and if my dad dies.... i don't know what i will do. all of my other problems seem so miniscule to this. everyone else caring about bf/gf drama. and i just don't care... my dad is dying... and no one knows. no one knows the truth.
the one thing that has kept me going for a while is my favorite band. the lead singer suffers bipolar disorder and all the lyrics are about pushing through and finding the light at the end. but there is no light. there is darkness. and failure. and hurt and heartbreak. i'm scared of being recognized in fear that someone will know. i will have spilled the family secret. but i dont want to hold on to it. but if its out will my life be better?
:[[[[[ being miserable.