The Post Panic Stage

mimivac said:

Afraid to be happy
J, this is so common as you know. It's like you don't want to be disappointed again, so you are afraid to really commit to life and be happy. What if it all goes to hell again? I had the exact same feelings. I was afraid to start my hobbies again, afraid to get really absorbed in life, because I was deathly afraid of that awful jolt -- the one where you are again questioning if you will make it through. What to do? You know, I don't really think there's much you can do, except to live despite your fear. There's no need to fight against that feeling of vulnerability. It's there. You are mortal and you'll die someday. I think it gives you a different bittersweet perspective on things. Your joys can be sweeter and your sorrows more nuanced. You know more now. I try to sit with the feeling, really feel it and see where it goes. Eventually, it fades and I get absorbed in other things. I don't force it away -- just feel it and let it dissolve.

Practically, I think getting involved in life, even with the fear, is exactly the right thing to do. Acknowlege what you feel and then get out there and go to the gym, or knit stockings. Don't wait to feel 100% great to do these things. Pain is healed through living, I think. But the pain is real, I know. It's something we all struggle with now. But the struggle can be quite interesting, too.

Mimi

Wise words, Mimi. Although
Wise words, Mimi. Although not all of us fall into a post-treatment panic pit, many of us do. It was very helpful for me to find an anti-depressant that works for me and to find a wonderful counselor who helped me learn how to "sit with the feeling," as Mimi says. It is good to cry. Yoga and meditation have also helped me. We need to go through the grief and it is a tough part of cancer. It does get better. xoxoxoxo Lynn

Me too
I could have written this same post, except my hair isn't coming in curly...I'm mad about that, it was the one thing I was looking forward to after having straight hair my whole life!! I thought it was just me. Nobody around me "gets it."

Thank you for writing this, it helps to know I'm not alone.

Patti

padee6339 said:

Me also too
Now that I've been declared cancer free, those same feelings hit me. Am I lucky to still be here? What will the next year bring? I think having the second scare this month hit me to the core. I was blind-sided and scared. After it was diagnosed as a hematoma, I felt relief. I have not gotten over that relieved feeling. Of course we are all afraid it will come back, but the fear of the unknown is gone. If we have to face it, we will face it head on. We all deal with it diferently I guess. I didn't go on anti-depressents, I don't know if I needed them or not, but I'm doing ok without them. Take enough damn pills anyhow - LOL.

BTW - my hair is coming back quickly now, and I don't think it knows what it wants to do. There are waves, there are curls, but it is baby fine, just like before. Now the decision - the BIG one - to Dye or not to Dye!!!!!

Pat

I keep myself from being upset
I am not afraid of being happy, instead I am avoiding stress.
I am so afraid that stress is bad for me that sometimes have to shout down my emotions too.
I do teach myself live differently and it is weird too.

tommaseena said:

Me too
Same with me. My hair is coming in and about 2 inches long but I think it is straight on the top and wavy on the sides and back.

My new permanent boobs are coming in on 11/10 and these hard as rock ones are coming out.

Margo

Oh Dear!
My hair came in straight, Grey and Old looking, after 2 inches it found its' way to curly as all hell...And I coloured it immediately... Looks great now. BUT, I am on an antidepressant and I'm always waiting for the 'Other shoe to drop'... I met with my therapist this morning and she is a BC survivor also...She said she over-examines herself all the time and feels this will always be lurking in the background, the fear, the waiting...To lesser degrees sometimes... I hope not (but it is so)
Hugs to all you warriors........Jxxxxxxxxxxx

We've all been there
What you are feeling, I believe is quite normal......I am just about finished my radiation after surgery and chemo........and I keep thinking, "now what?" Just discussed this yesterday with my oncologist......we have been "fighting" for months....now that we have done all we can do to fight the beast, we ask NOW WHAT? I believe it's a matter, at least for me, of finding a new normal......my life, that I had before BC is over.......now I have to find a new one.........I know it's not going to be easy, I have struggled with this for a few weeks now.....But I believe I will find it in time........I think, what do I do now.........sit and wait for it to return? But that's not how I want to live......So I have to just soldier on and make the best of it.........I think we all find what works for us, eventually. It may take some of us longer than others....my sister in law is a 20 year survivor of a very rare bc.....she said it took her about a year.......so I'm going to go by that and hopefully this time next year, I'll be there.....and you too!
Prayers and hugs

Victoria1566 said:

Facing cancer this past
Facing cancer this past summer was the second time I felt the "I'm going to die!" Panic. The first time was after a near fatal car accident in 1987. At that time, when I realized I wasn't going to die immediately, all I wanted to do was have children because that was the first thing I thought when I woke up, "I can't die. I haven't had any kids yet." Since then, I've had two baby girls.

This time when I finished my cancer treatment and I realized that I wasn't going to die immediately, all I wanted to do was simplify my life so I could spend more time with the people I love and who love me. I immediately wanted to sell my house so I could buy a little one with no mortage, so I've got a contractor coming on Friday to do repairs in preparation for listing the house this month. I also quit my job within weeks of returning to work, but that one, friends have talked me out of because of insurance issues and my boss was happy to destroy my resignation. However, he knows that when my contract is up in May 2011 I am not signing a new one. Planning and making these and other life changes helps me keep the panic at bay. Maybe it's just "keeping busy" that is helping me, but it makes me feel empowered about my life. Yes, I could die on the road going home from work today.....or not. I choose to focus on living at least long enough to see my grandchildren. I'll be Granny who lives in the little house by the river and works at the book store. The image makes me smile.

Vicky

Wow Victoria..
What a great outlook. Setting goals, making changes, and living our lives is what matters. You are an inspiration.

Roseann

mimivac said:

Good for you, Victoria
I am inspired by your outlook and motivation, too. Many of us make plans to do things differently when we are diagnosed. A lot of times those plans fall by the wayside. Sometimes because we didn't really think things through the first time, but sometimes because we just can't seem to get started. You are really getting things done. Maybe you should write a book, "how to change your life after a disaster."

Thanks for the
Thanks for the encouragement.

All the changes I have initiated sound good on paper but there are times when I wonder if I am doing too much too fast. Meditation has been a great help for me to self-evaluate whether my plans are taking me to a simpler future or just complicating my present so I don't have time to think. In some situations, I've taken two steps forward only to take three steps back since my treatment, but it does feel great to be planning for the future!

Have a great day.

mimivac said:

Distractions
I know just what you mean. Sometimes I think all the things I am doing are just a distraction from issues of grief, sadness, and fear I have over my diagnosis. I know this is true for some things b/c when I not doing those things, I get this feeling of emptiness. That's my test. I want to make meaningful changes, like pursuing the arts again and not pushing away feelings. Slowly getting there. I like your meditation and self-evaluation plans. Should do those myself.

Mimi

My gage for determining if I
My gage for determining if I am going in the right direction is if it feels like I belong where I am going. Cancer has made me realize that I have stayed with groups where I never felt that I belonged and I have left groups where I felt very much at home. I need to correct this. I was raised on a farm but left to pursue a high paying job and big house. When I got those things I always felt out of place and annoyed by the conversations of the people around me. Now, I want to reconnect with the rural community and step back from the high stress job with it's political players. Although the family farm is sold and my parents are dead, the path I am now taking feels like going home. :-)

Victoria1566 said:

My gage for determining if I
My gage for determining if I am going in the right direction is if it feels like I belong where I am going. Cancer has made me realize that I have stayed with groups where I never felt that I belonged and I have left groups where I felt very much at home. I need to correct this. I was raised on a farm but left to pursue a high paying job and big house. When I got those things I always felt out of place and annoyed by the conversations of the people around me. Now, I want to reconnect with the rural community and step back from the high stress job with it's political players. Although the family farm is sold and my parents are dead, the path I am now taking feels like going home. :-)

pursuing what we think is right
Yes, I did that, too, to an extent. I pursued law because my immigrant parents told me that my life would not be "decent" without money. The assumption was that I would not make enough money in the arts. I wish I hadn't made that assumption. Many of my arts classmates stuggled for a bit, but most are now doing great, and some phenomenal. I do something that I am not passionate about (quite the opposite), but make a good living. I'm grateful for that, really I am, but sometimes I think of what it might have been. Whenever I told people what I wanted to do as a high school and college student, I would get stern warnings that my choosen field was "very competitive" or scolded that I should do that only as a hobby. So, I listened to people who really had no idea what they were talking about, or had their own axes to grind. So what if it's competitive? Should I find something that no one wants to do? I went for my dreams even up to graduate school, but froze when I got my degree. I tried again last year, and was hit with cancer within six months and had to drop out of my program. I am really thinking about how to have another go at it.

Anyway, I am just rambling. I think you have a great point about the feeling of belonging. I have always felt very out of place at work. When I started film school, it was like going home, as you say. I felt energized and as though I had something real to contribute.

Good luck with getting back to your roots. I think you'll do it.

Mimi

Eil4186 said:

I know what you mean. I'm
I know what you mean. I'm probably not the best person to give advice on this subject. I am over 3 years out and still fearful. I do think it is starting to improve slowly though. I recently started taking an antidepressant and am seeing a therapist.

Nothing can ever remove our fears but there are things we can do to improve our quality of life. Life is short and I am determined to enjoy it as much as possible. It is what it is, cancer happened to us, but now we must not let it take away our peace and happiness. It already made our lives miserable during the diagnosis/treatment months. That is enough---I plan on fighting to prevent cancer from ruining anymore of my days.

taking care of myself
This may sound stupid or silly ... but ...

I had my lumpectomy 1/21 ... finished chemo the end of May and then did the 6-7 weeks of radiation. Now all I have is daily tamoxifin pills ... and herceptin infusions every 3 weeks until March. Then what? I can't say that I'm afraid or paranoid of what might be going on in my body ... because I've gone through is whole thing with the belief that "It is what it is." My "problem" ... is that I miss the attention. I know that sounds totally stupid ... but ... all of the professionals I've been dealing with are wonderful and I feel as though I am their only patient. I guess I'm suffering from some strange withdrawal of attention ... and feeling special. I know that sounds silly ... but it's like ... now there's nothing anyone is doing to "help" me ... and it's all up to me now ... or a big crap shoot. I just feel like I should be DOING more than I am doing. After the past few months ... taking a pill just seems so easy. My chemo was taxol/herceptin ... and NEVER felt sick or had any nausea. All of my side effects were doable ... and maybe I'm just having the feeling that I haven't "suffered" enough. I know I should be thankful ... but .....



hugs.
teena